When the minister agreed to marry the young couple in his church, he stipulated that tehy remain abstinent during their engagement. One week before the wedding, he met with them and asked, "Have you remained chaste, as I counseled you?"
"I'm afraid not Reverend."
"Oh dear, what happened?"
"Well, last week my fiancee was reaching for a box of light bulbs on a high shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and--suffice it to say--we lost all control right there."
"Well, I'm sorry, my son, but I can't marry you in this church."
"Yeah, that's what we figured,"
the young man sighed. We're not welcome at the Home Depot anymore, either."

:D

Investment Advice~(almost not funny:D:D:p)

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one
year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the
beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer,
then turned in the cans for the 10 cent
deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is
to drink heavily and recycle.

Lilith---Can I use that as an excuse to start drinking again? Irish
P.S.My wife will now hate you;even tho she knows nothing about
you!

Irish,

Trust Lilith to keep leading us astray.

You keep it up, girl!!

I wonder, what if you had invested in condoms instead of beer? would ya make more money from recycling those?

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Smooth Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

Place your bets.

And they're off...!

Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Smooth Thighs and Big
Johnson
in a very tight spot.

At the halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top.

Smooth Thighs open up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Smooth Thighs are working hard on Bare
Belly

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's got
and
Passionate Lady taking everything Big Johnson has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through
and
wins by a head.

Heavy Bosom weakens and Smooth Thighs pulls-up the rear.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.

An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping floors in a
pizzeria, and after 15 years works his way up to owning a small chain of
pizzerias.

He decides to have his own house designed and built for him. And it is
going to have everything!

One day he is talking to the contractor and says, "Makea you sure you puta
plenty da halo statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo statues.
One inna every room, even da bathroom."

The contractor, realizing his client must be a very religious person,
carefully plans a niche in every room, and personally searches for the
perfect statue for each niche.

Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his new home
for the first time. The contractor points out all the features, and finally
the Italian man says, "But wherea are alluh my halo statues? I wanna lotsa
halo statues!"

And the contractor points to the niches and says, "I put a statue in every
room, like you asked."

The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea da Saintas. I
wanna da Halo Statues! You knowa da Halo Statues es? Deya ring anda you
picka dem up, anna you say, halo 'stat you?"

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills!

one year a bird decided not to fly south for the winter. it got real cold and he froze half to death. a cow comes by and dumps on him. the heat revives the bird and happy to be alive starts singing. a cat hearing the singing removes the bird from the pile and eats it.
three morals to this story, not everyone who shits on you is your enemy, not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend, and if you're in shit and happy keep your mouth shut.

Recently sent to me,

Subject: FW: Join the cause - similar to the turning your head lights on....

Mindful that the anniversary of the WTC terrorist attack is approaching, all
Australians are asked to assist in identifying any terrorists amongst us.
Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked
woman that is not a wife, this Saturday afternoon at 2:00 pm Eastern
Standard Time, all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house
completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to
prove they think it's okay to see other women in the nude.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, an Esky containing a
cold slab is to be at your side as further proof of your anti-Taliban
sentiment.

Australia appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your
participation.
God Bless Australia! Come on all Aussie men, get out there and support the
girls as they weed out the terrorists hiding in YOUR neighbourhood!!

Yours truly.

John Howard Prime Minister.

Some cute limericks:

Limericks

There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair,
Or that's what I thought
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air!

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd 'just take a chance'.
She let herself go
For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts!

Said the trader, "I'm not pleased one bit,
In our dealings, that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe -
I just won't accept that sheep chit!"

The guy who invented the vibrator had a vision, and in that vision he heard voices:

"If you build it they will come." :D

Field of Dreams?

A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he was having no luck at all. Then he heard a voice, "If you build it they will come."

He thought nothing of it at first but then he heard it again, "If you build it they will come." So the farmer thought and thought, prayed and prayed, until finally, he knew what to do.

A few months later he completed construction of his new strip club!

;)

Brucie came home from work only to see his lover Sydney in a worried state.
"What's wrong, Syd?" Brucie asked.
"I think I've got something stuck in my ass. Can you take a real close look?"
Bruce told Sydney to bend over and gazed into his lover's asshole.
"I don't see anything up there, Syd."
"But there is! I know there is!" Sydney insisted.
"Stick your finger up there and maybe you can feel something."
Brucie complied but came up with air.
"I don't feel anything, Syd."
"I know something's up there. Stick another finger in!"
Brucie did as he was told.
"I still don't feel anything, Syd."
"Then try putting your hand up there!" Syd cried.
Brucie shoved his hand up to his in Sydney's asshole. When he pulled it out, there was a thousand-dollar watch on his wrist.
"What the hell-" Bruce said. "Whats this about?"
Sydney sings, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." :D :D

Dicksbro---You mean thers a limerick;that doesn't start with---
"There was a young lady;from Nantucket"? Irish

Surprised, aren't you, Irish? :)

Just remember that old saying, "I don't care if it's funny ... as long as it's dirty!" :D :D

Dicksbro---It's funny;but;I have heard that so many times;thru my
life;that it just pops ;into my head;when someone mentions;the
word;Limerick.When;I first;heard that;I was just a young impressionable teenager;that anything;gave a hard-on to.I haven't changed with age.Now;I am;an older person;who gets
horny over anything. Irish

Fertilizer Club
 

This letter is being sent to you because we know you are critically
interested in your front lawn, and this summer season will soon be upon
us.
This is a fertilizer club and will not cost you a cent to join.
Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of this list
and shit on their front lawn. You won't be the only one there, so
don't
be embarrassed. Then make five copies of this letter and send it to
five
of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will not get any money
or
checks, but within one week if this chain is not broken, there will be
9,216
people shitting on your front lawn Your reward will come next summer
when you
will have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood.
Mrs. Lucy Bowel 19 Bedpan Cover Wemouth, Mass.
Mrs. Paula Crapp 222 Enema Drive Quincy, Mass
Mrs. Charles Syringe 109 Suppository Drive Fink, Texas
Mrs. Smelly B. Hind 416 Diarrhea Way Kansas City, Missouri
Mrs.O Howie Farts 896 Rectum Road Washington, DC
Mrs. A. Bigger Movement 276 Fertilizer Way Melton, Mass.
If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbors.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man didn't give a shit and lost his
entire lawn.

White Trash Barbie
 

Introducing White Trash Barbie!

She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up,
think-they're-better'n-you Barbies!
Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with
her special trailer-park friend.


Every White Trash Barbie comes complete with:

* Two packs of Newport 100's for Barbie's smoking pleasure!
* A six-pack of cheap beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie
during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.
* Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter-top and sandals.
Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama.
* Miracle-o'-procreation button! Press button on Barbie's back and
she's pregnant -- again!
* Action bitch pull string! Barbie can say 11 phrases including:
"I tol' jew gd#@! kids to git the hell outa my yard!", "Git me anuther beer,baybee.", "Whur's my f-#!*-n cigarettes?", and more!!
Also Available:
* Barbie Double-wide Dream Trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus also included.
*Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset (sold
separately)
* Barbie dream car. 1986 Chevy Chevette in mix-n'- match colors
and smokin' chokin' exhaust. Coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two White Trash Barbies.
* Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickn' leg action and Pimp Slap
backhand. With cowboy boots and Mad Dog 20/20 bottle. Curses, mumbles when string is pulled.
* Married-Life Ken with Beer-bustin' Expanding Waist. Molded to
recliner. With TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up woman." and "Git me a beer."
(NOTE: Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)

A friend of mine just sent me this one today ...

Okay you Texan guys, stand proud :)

----

Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the
other from Texas, are sitting around a campfire, out on the lone-some prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins.

The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the
corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by
the horns, with my bare hands."

The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15-foot-long rattler slid
out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that
snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the
poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.

Re: White Trash Barbie
 

This set is not complete unless it includes a big honkin' satelite dish out side lol

Re: Re: White Trash Barbie
 

Works for me, Scotz.....LOL

Scotz---Also;multiple vehicles;on blocks;not wheels;in the overgrown yard!Also;multiple dogs;that live;under the trailer!
Irish

Shouldn't there be a Shrimp on the Barbie?

hey thats no way to talk about ken:D

Q: Whats brown and sticky?

A: A stick


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Jed the game keeper is out early one morning shooting rabbits, to make them easier to carry he guts thenm in the field and threads them on a pole slung over his shoulder, the guts he puts into a bucket for disposal later.
He looks over the hedgerow and see's Father O'Malley hurrying up the lane towards the vicarage, jed heads over to greet the Father but just as he gets to the hedgerow the Father ducks down into the hedge and drops his pants - Jed is a bit taken aback by this, its not everyday you see a clergyman taking a dump in a hedge, but has a chuckle and creeps over to where the Fathers bare backside is and scoops a few handfuls of rabbit guts out of his bucket and droped it onto what the father had excreted. He snuck away softly chuckling to himself.

A few days later Jed bumps into the Father and asks if everything is OK as he had looked pale these last few days?
"well Jed" replied the father "A few days ago I was taken short and, well, when you gotta go, you gotta go - so I dropped my pants and went in the hedge. I stood up and as I was pulling up my pants I noticed I had accidently passed my own intestines."
Jed could barely contain himself
"But with few shots of medicinal whisky, my middle finger and gods grace I think I managed to get most of them back up there"

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME PLAYING ON THE COMPUTER WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.


HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I
HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. ~~~~ I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.~~~~ HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
All I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? ~~~
I DON'T THINK SO!!!!!!

This is old fashioned but cute.....................A travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he
called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on
the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him
apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that
should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate
machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening,
at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever
received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that
read, "Manicures--25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled
them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine
Provides What Men Need Most When Away From Their Wives." (Cost--
50 cents) The salesman was embarassed and looked both ways.
Seeing nobody around he put his fifty cents in the machine, then
unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening--with
great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two
weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of
agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling
hands, the salesman was able to with draw his penis, which now had
a button sewed on the tip.

Tina Turner is going to the doctor: "Doctor, I have a problem. But I cannot talk about it, I need ABSOLUTE discretion." The doctor says it is ok and he will not talk about it. "Doctor, my pussy lips are too big. I want them reduced." The doctor says he can do it, oganizes a place in the hospital for her and promises discretion.
...
The day of the operation Tina wakes up in her room. It is full of flowers. Very angry she rings for the doctor. "Doctor, what happened, didn´t I ask you for discretion???"
"Yes, yes, but this case is really an exception. Have a look at the greeting card!"
She takes the card and reads: >>Many thanks for the ears. Nicki Lauda<<

:D

Just had this sent to me.

It's too true.

Contemporary Wisdom
*
Every teenager should get a high school education.
Even if they already know everything.
*
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
*
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
*
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.
*
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days
No one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
*
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
*
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
*
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
*
I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
*
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
*
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
*
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
*
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment,
and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
*
You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-12 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.

>After living in the remote wilderness of
> Kentucky all his life, an
> old
> > > > >codger decided it was time to visit the big
> city. In one of the
> stores
> > > he
> > > > >picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not
> knowing what it was, he
> > > remarked,
> > > > >"How about that! Here's a picture of my
> daddy." He bought the
> > > 'picture',
> > > > >but on the way home he remembered his wife,
> Lizzy, didn't like his
> > > father.
> > > > >So he hung it in the barn, and every morning
> before leaving for the
> > > > >fields, he would go there and look at it.
> > > > >
> > > > >Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many
> trips to the barn. One
> day
> > > > >after her husband left, she searched the barn
> and found the mirror.
> As
> > > she
> > > > >looked into the glass, she fumed,"So that's
> the ugly bitch he's
> runnin'
> > > > >around with."

Dogs' Letters to God

Dear God:
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God:
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God:
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God:
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God:
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God:
Can you undo what that doctor did ... ?

CAT'S LETTER TO GOD

Dear God:
Do you exist? I'm just curious .... I don't really care.

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in
desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then,
suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt
the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said I believe
I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely
remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do
everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour".
Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask
the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, but the
bird continued..."May I ask what the chicken did?"

Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their great hits
with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:
* Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
* The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
* Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
* Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
* The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
* The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
* Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
* The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
* Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
* Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
* The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
* ABBA: "Denture Queen"
* Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
* Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
* Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

A guy walks into a Cadillac dealership and strolls around the showroom, looking at the cars on hand. One of the salesmen spots him and walks up to him to see if he can help.

"Are you thinking about buying a Cadillac today?" the salesman asks.

The guy answers "No, I'm GOING to buy a Cadillac. I'm THINKING about women!."

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. While
shopping they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani
accent say Come in! Come into my humble shop." Once
inside The shopkeeper said, "I have some special
sandals I think you would be interested in."
"Dey make you wild at sex.
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after hearing what the man claimed, but her
husband felt he really didn't need them.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make
you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib."
After much badgering from his wife, he agreed to try
them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes; something his wife
hadn't seen in many years... raw sexual power.
With a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked
down his pants.

The Pakistani began screaming: "YOU HAVE DEM ON THE
WRONG FEET !!! "YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG
FEET!!!"

ROTFLMFAO~ in fact PMPL!!!!!!! :D:D:p

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday
morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach". Whatever single word I say, I want you to
sing
whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started
singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross".


The pastor hollered out "Grace".
The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "Power".
The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".

The Pastor said "Sex."
The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say
anything.
Then all of a sudden from way in the back of the church a little 87
year old grandmother stood up and began to sing ..... "Precious
Memories."

Q: What kind of meat does a priest eat?






























A: Nun

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out "Pa! You need to
go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with
the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There
ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"


Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin
my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to
see what to fix."


So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now
take your head out of the hole!"


Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"


To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

PAY ATTENTION!!

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.


The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you
not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the
Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the
corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same
thing, "he told his students.



The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."