Where Have You Been?
 

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their mates...

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women!" she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve

Oops!
 

Always wear clean underwear in public...especially when working under your vehicle. From newspaper reports comes this story of a couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people staring at the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although he was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into quite public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, needed three stitches in his forehead.

Oh To Be 6 Again
 

OH TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day. "I'd love to be six again," was her reply.

On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you d--- a --!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong

Mafia
 

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

Buta grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howa about you leava me your Rolex watch instead."

"You lissina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then......pointa to your watch and say, Times Up?"

Blonde Joke 397,392,422,973,162,098
 

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening, looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon"?

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?"...

Snappy Answers
 

Snappy Answer #1

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #2

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #3

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that read slow bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #4 - Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

BONUS Snappy Answer

A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Can't get enough? The BEST is LAST!

A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

*SNAP*

You're Getting Old When...

~You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have
to go along.

~Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

~Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

~Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have
begun to grow in the middle.

~A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.

~Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.

What did the Zero say to the Eight?

Nice Belt.


:D

Ow ^^^^


Did you hear the giant has the runs?


It's all over town.

I was just thinking ...
 

A friend sent me these and I thought they were cute ... hmmm ... and maybe true too.

1. I was thinking about how the status symbol of today are those cell phones that everyone has clipped on their belts. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

2. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

3. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

4. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

5. I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"

6. I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease....that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

7. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!" :D

8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

9. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good Doctor! (Not a bad idea!)

10. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

11. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

A young man was preparing to take a cart full of groceries to the parking lot for a beautiful young lady. As they exited the store the lady looking at the fine young man whispered to him: " i have an itchy ****y". To which he replied: " Maam, you'll have to point it out, because all foreign cars look the same to me.

WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female. .
. . . Any part under a car's hood.

Male...
. . . The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female...
. . . Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male. . . . .
... . Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female. . . . .
The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male. . . .
. . . Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4.COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female. . . . .
... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male. . .
. . . Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. v.
Female.. .
. . . . A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male. . . . .
. . Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female. . . . .
. . . An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

Male. . . .
. . . A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.

7.MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female. . . .
. . .. The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male. . .
. . . . Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female. . .
. . . A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male. . .
. . . . . A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

One day, a rabbit is bounding along when he sees a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit says to the giraffe "Put that down, come running through the forest with me, it's much more fun!" The giraffe puts the joint aside and follows the rabbit into the forest.

Later, the rabbit sees an elephant chopping a line of coke. The rabbit says "Oh elephant, think of your health! Come running through the forest with me!" The elephant puts down his razor and mirror and dutifully follows the rabbit as best he can.

This time, the rabbit sees a lion about to shoot up. He asks the lion to come running through the forest with him, but the lion attacks the rabbit and savagely kills him, tearing the poor rabbit to shreds. A tiger asks the lion "What did you do that for?" and the lion responds "Every time that little fucking rabbit takes ecstasy he makes me run after him through the forest like an arsehole".

:D

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news, " says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man.

"My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant. " "Go for it doc" says the man. "Just as long as I can play golf again. " The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved. " "That's great, " said the surgeon.

"Not only that, " continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours. " "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem, " said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache. "

Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens.

The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her.

Well what happened?
She replied, It was the best sex I ever had!
Why? asked Farmer Brown.
Well when he took off his pants it wasn'r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.
Farmer Brown said, Well shit, no wonder that bitch was trying to rip my ears off!! .

This one is for our Aussie friends


A koala walks into a whorehouse. Not being able to talk he flips through a dictionary till he finds what he is looking for. The koala goes to a woman at the bar and shows her a word in the dictionary: prostitute - does sexual favors for money. The woman nods and they go into a room.

When they are about to get to it the koala insists on giving head to the hooker. Well, she doesn't mind it and the koala turns out to be very good in it. The koala does his stuff and takes off.
When he is getting out of the door he is stopped by the hooker. Not so fast fellow you didn't pay yet, says the hooker.

The koala gets the dictionary again and points a word: koala - eats bushes and leaves.

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world would you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat .

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices,
out of the corner of his eye, a sign that reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought. Soon he sees another sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.
Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small
sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this
door"

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup, answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the
cup,
then go
through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway"

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the nun's cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:


GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
SERVES YOU RIGHT SINNER!

Life is all about ass; you're either covering it,
laughing it off, kicking it,
kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like one.

The Fairy
A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married >couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish"
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime.
So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.
The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!...Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.
Men might be bastards. But Fairies are....................Female.

A Tazer Gun Story.....................
>>
>>
>>Dear Friends,
>>
>>My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
>>something akin to, hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
>>outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
>>chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
>>
>>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
>>fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
>>something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and
>>I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
>>across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For
>>those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
>>less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
>>an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
>>you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
>>long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate
>>time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
>>tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
>>google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've
>>never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing
>>out--way too cool!
>>
>>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>>triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>>so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
>>directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
>>not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire
>>for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
>>against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
>>back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
>>so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,
>>and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your
>>information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
>>the face of her microwave.
>>
>>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
>>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>>little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
>>thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
>>target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and
>>thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
>>going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I
>>did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was
>>I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time?
>>
>>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
>>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
>>in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
>>disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
>>spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly
>>make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the
>>while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less
>>than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
>>itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
>>Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>>
>>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>>followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
>>to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second
>>burst from such
>>a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
>>under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
>>one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision
>>is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a
>>bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.
>>Don't ya hate that?)
>>
>>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran
>>in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body
>>slammed me on the
>>carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
>>fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking
>>wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie
>>was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
>>licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
>>again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer,
>>one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
>>zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
>>dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then,
>>if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your
>>thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be
>>sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
>>(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
>>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My
>>triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt
>>like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>>give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>>
>>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
>>offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome
>>if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

Women and Men
 

Just got this from my brother-in-law and thought it was cute. Hope it hasn't already been posted ...

----

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover
of the Wheaties box.Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause its sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

Bear in a Bar
 

Here's another I received ...

----

BEAR IN A BAR

A BEAR WALKS INTO A BAR IN BILLINGS, MONTANA AND SITS DOWN. HE BANGS ON THE BAR WITH HIS PAW AND
DEMANDS A BEER.

THE BARTENDER APPROACHES AND SAYS, "WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BEARS IN BARS IN BILLINGS."

THE BEAR, BECOMING ANGRY, DEMANDS AGAIN THAT HE BE SERVED A BEER.

THE BARTENDER TELLS HIM AGAIN, MORE FORCEFULLY, "WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BELLIGERENT BEARS IN BARS
IN BILLINGS."

THE BEAR, VERY ANGRY NOW, SAYS, "IF YOU DON'T SERVE ME A BEER, I'M GOING TO EAT THAT LADY SITTING AT
THE END OF THE BAR"

THE BARTENDER SAYS, "SORRY, WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BELLIGERENT, BULLY BEARS IN BARS IN BILLINGS."

THE BEAR GOES TO THE END OF THE BAR, AND, AS PROMISED, EATS THE WOMAN. HE COMES BACK TO HIS SEAT
AND AGAIN DEMANDS A BEER.

THE BARTENDER STATES, "SORRY, WE DON'T SERVE BEER TO BELLIGERENT, BULLY BEARS IN BAR IN BILLINGS WHO
ARE ON DRUGS"

THE BEAR SAYS, "I'M NOT ON DRUGS."

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS..........)
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
THE BARTENDER SAYS, "YOU ARE NOW. THAT WAS A BARBITCHYOUATE."

Seven Reasons Not to Mess With a Child
 

7 reasons not to mess with a child


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

-----

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

-----

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

-----

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then aid, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

-----

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, she's dead. "

-----

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

-----

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want - God is watching the apples.

Thanks for the laugh.

nearly peed myself readin the tazer one , will most def HAVE to show that to jeeping!!!

~nikki

After having their 11th child, a Tn. Mountain couple decided 11 was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him
that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
bomb (fireworks are legal in the Tn. Mountains), light it, put
it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the
world,but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, " said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it
in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Louisiana,
Arkansas, Alabama and parts of Mississippi.

So, you wanna be HEALTHY, huh?
 

Health & Fitness: The Facts.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans, another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets, and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

a guy boards a plane to find he has a row of seats to himself,but just before the door closes another guy with a dog gets on,and take the two seats,the dog owner then say's i'm an airline employee and the dog is a snifer,after take off i'll show you how he works,once in the air the dog is set to work,he walks up the aisle for a few rows then returns and sits by the handler and taps the handlers leg twice,the handler takes out a note pad and begins to write,the passenger ask's what it's all about and the handler replies there is a lady two rows back with crack in her purse,the handler set's the dog off again,after a while the dog is back,sit's be side the handler and yaps five times,the handler makes a note and explains there is a passenger five rows back with cocaine,again a note is made and the dog set's off a third time,soon the dog comes rushing back,jumps up onto the seat and procedes
to crap all over it,the passenger is not impressed,what made him do that he ask's the handler,who replies with a white face 'He smelt a BOMB"

Night out with the girls....
> >
> > The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my
> > husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
> >
> > Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3
> > a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
> >
> > Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
> > cuckooed 3 times. Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly
> > cuckooed another 9 times.
> > I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
> > solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible
> > conflict with him.
> >
> > The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
> > "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that
> > one!
> >
> > Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
> >
> > When I asked him why? he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
> > times, then said, "Oh shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat,
> > cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped
> > over the coffee table and farted."

Popular Brands Of Condoms


Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Blockbuster condoms: Go home happy.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Subway condoms: The way a sandwich should be.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing
Maxwell House condoms: Good to the last drop.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
America Online Condoms: No wonder it's number one!
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms: For friends and family.
Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, your fun!
Big Red condoms: Make it last a little longer.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Southwestern Airlines condoms: Friends fly free.
Verizon Wireless: We never stop working for you.

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good

Tricky Mother
>
> "Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who
> lives with a female roommate Vikki...
>
> During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but
notice
> how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
> relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
>
> Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
> she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his
roommate
> than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I
> know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just
> roommates."
>
> About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since
your
> mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
> You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
>
> "Well, I ! doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So
he
> sat down and wrote:
>
> (This is cute)..........
> Dear Mama,
>
> I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my
house,
> I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that
it
> has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
>
> Love,
> Anthony
>
> Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his
> Mama, which read:
>
> Dear Son,
>
> I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying
> that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she
were
> sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
>
> Love,
> Mama
>
> Lesson of the day:
>
> Don't Lie to Your Mother
>

Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much.
But being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school
when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first
couple of days. But at the end of the week, he came home from
school and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to
school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys," he protested
loudly!

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs.
Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings,
staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler
anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as
well.........so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set
out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another
neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's
little friend noticed the same lady was following them, as she
seemed to do every day all week.

Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us
to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The friend asked, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter
Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following
us?"

"Well", Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me
say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so
much. And in the psalm, it says 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall
follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get
used to it!"

Night Out
 

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car..

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small

>tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
>first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind
>this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
>
>"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "how about taking
>a
>stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
>
>"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she
>answers.
>
>There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
>this,
>having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two
>old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so

>there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
>
>They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
>walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
>their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her
>knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and
>as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
>
>Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
>policeman
>has ever seen.
>
>They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for
>about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her

>hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
>
>Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
>
>The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life
>that
>he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering,
>the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The
>policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing -- that old
man
>was going like a train-I've got to ask him what his secret is."
>
>As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had
>sex
>for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a
>fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
>
>The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Aussie humor
 

Guy's a bit lonely... goes into a pet shop and buys a budgie in a fairly large cage.

Two weeks later... budgie is showing signs of stress and the guy decides it needs a companion - returns to pet shop.... buys another budgie and sticks it in the cage. next morning.... new budgie... on its back legs in the air - dead.

Guy complains to pet shop, owner sells him an owl. Goes home, sticks it in the cage - next morning... Owl on the floor... feet in the air - dead.

Guy complains to pet shop, owner sells him a Falcon. Goes home, sticks it in the cage - next morning... Falcon on the floor... feet in the air - dead.

"Can't you supply me with a feathered friend for my budgie that it can't kill?" asked the guy.

Pet shop owner sells the guy an aviary and the biggest Emu he had.... "Stick the little bastard in with him, that'll cure him," he said.

Next morning.... Emu on its back... legs in the air - dead.

Returning to the petshop the next day... the petshop owner sells the guy a Wedge-tailed Eagle, the deadliest of all Australian raptors. A beak so powerful it could crunch a kangaroos thigh bone, talons so sharp they'd pierce elephant hide....

"That'll fix the little shit!!" he said.

Next morning.... eagle on its back... feet in the air - dead.

Strangest thing though... is the budgie never had a feather left on its body... it was completely bald. He looked at his owner, cocked his head and said,

"Fuck.... I had to take my coat off for that one."

Lmfao!!!!!