CATALOG ORDER:

Dear Madam:

Thank you for your recent order from our sex toys web site.

You've requested the Large Red Vibrator as featured on our wall display.

Please select another item. That's our fire extinguisher.

Thank you.

*snicker*

No, that's smaller and less rounded.

This one is especially for Soda and Booger ... :)

Norman and his wife live in Michigan. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes o ut, and Norman's wife is very upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Gentle thoughts for today
 

Birds of a feather flock together and shit on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the
roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. But it's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

25 Ways to tell if you're grown up.
 

1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the refrigerator.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up ... not when you go to bed.
5 You hear your favorite song on the elevator.
6 You watch the Weather Channel. :yikes:
7 Your friends "Marry" and "Divorce" ... not "Hook Up" and "Break Up."
8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9 Jeans and a sweater are no longer considered being dressed up.
10 ou're the one calling the police because those %#@$ kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11 Older relatives now feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance payments go down while your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet rather than McDonald's scraps.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps. :boink:
17. Dinner and a movie are the whole date, and not just the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3:00 AM would upset your stomach, not settle it.
19. You go the the drug store for IBUPROFEN and Antacid and not for condoms and pregancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before you go to a bar.
25. When you find your friend is pregnant you congratulate then instead of asking, "Oh, shit, what the hell happened?"

I keep telling my kids that it's like MTV for old folks...

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:
"Well, that's great....that's just great....some asshole's got my pen!"

A woman meets a man in a bar.



They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.







They get back to his place,







and as he shows her around his
apartment.




She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is






completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.






There are three shelves in the
bedroom,





with hundreds and hundreds of cute,





cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!





It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them





and she was immediately touched





by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.






There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,






medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,





and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy





to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,





She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.





but doesn't mention this to him.




They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,





after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,





'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!





Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'




She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips






He responds warmly.





They continue to kiss, the passion
builds,




and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom





where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.




She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,




more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.




After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,




they are lying there together in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,




'Well,how was it?'




The guy gently smiles at her,





strokes her cheek,




looks deeply into her eyes,




and says:








'Help yourself to any prize




from the middle shelf"

:nuts:

Can you pick the blonde?

The answer?

Check the legs.

Apartment Rental


A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and
Agrees to spend the night with her for$500.

He spends the night with her but before he leaves,
He tells her that he does not have any cash with him,
But he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
Calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a check for$250 and enclosed the following typed note:






Dear Madam::

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of$250 for rent of your
Apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
Rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
That there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large

Upon receipt of the note,

The girl immediately returned the check for $250

With the following note:


Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
If you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
But if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
Please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
Contact your present landlady

Politically correct ... nonpartisan joke. :)
 

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity ."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......
Today you voted."

Questions to Ponder
 

Can you cry under water?

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" ? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window INTO THE WIND ?