A Very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who immediately comes over to her. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard,

"Are you the Manager?" she asks softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no ..." the bartender replies.

"Can you get him for me?" she asks, "I need to speak with him," she says running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is, I need you to give him a message" she continued huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to gently suck them.

"What should I tell him?" he manages to say while not missing a finger.

"Tell Him," She Whispers, "There is No Toilet Paper, Paper Towels, OR Hand Soap In The Ladies Room"...

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and
is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your
rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

THREE BEARS

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is
just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating
my
porridge?!?" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
Porridge?"
he roars.

Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For Heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this?"---
"It was Mama Bear, who got up first,"
"It was Mama Bear, who woke up everyone in the house."
"It was Mama Bear who made the coffee,"
"It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and
put everything away."
"It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper."'
"It was Mama Bear who set the table"
"It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and
filled the cat's water and food dish."
"And, now that you've decided to drag your behinds downstairs and
grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence... Listen good,
'cause
I'm only going to say this one more time ... ... ...

"I haven't made the #@$%^&*###@!!!! porridge yet!!"

Good one, Sprinkles

anyway,


A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son. As the proud father was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and sickly looking by comparison.
Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a moment. "What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He seems awfully puny and underweight."
"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the nurse, and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."
"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.
"What's that?" asked the nurse.
Replied the man with a smile., ... "Spare the rod and spoil the child,"

This is really tacky.

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But


She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
She uses industrial strength douche.
Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.
She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for
the Holland Tunnel.

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its
sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and
the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry,
no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled
in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor
again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The
man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You
were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's
not rigged -- my wife won twice last week".

A Woman married and had 13 children. Her husband
died. She soon married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time
had 5 more children. At last, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the
Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman
who fulfilled His commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're
finally together."
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."

****WARNING - The Following Is A Blonde Joke It It Posted In Humor And Not To Offend Any Of the Female Readers****

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectal
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
they don't sell rectal deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde
assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store
on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" "YES!", said the blonde,
"I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to
the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a
normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

How to identify where a driver is from
 

I hope this joke can cross borders but I sure found it funny!

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, cradling cellphone, balancing Tim Horton's coffee on knee, foot solidly on accelerator: CALGARY

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator, gun on lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON,....... but driving in TORONTO

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY

8. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mittscraper in hand out front window scrapng frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window:RED DEER

10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA

12. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER

Q: What is the difference between OOOOO and AAAAaa?
A: About 3 inches.. :whiteghos

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. :D

Mistress
 

>
> > A husband and wife were fine dining at their
> exclusive country club when this stunning young
> woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a
> kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
> >
> > His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"
> >
> > "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
> >
> > "Well that's the last straw," says the wife.
> "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to
> hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I
> can find and make your life miserable."
> >
> > "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but
> remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more
> wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more
> summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the
> garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to
> sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller
> homes, but the decision is yours."
> >
> > Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant
> with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> >
> > "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
> >
> > "That's his mistress," says her husband.
> >
> > "Ours is prettier," she replies.
~:D:D:D:D:D:D:D~

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $4 a minute. :D

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a dove is the bird of peace, is a swallow the bird of love?

sorry if this is a repeat
 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while wewere making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best timeto do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

The 5 Stages of drunkenness
 

Stage 1
- SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.




Stage 2
- GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.



Stage 3
- RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.



Stage 4
- BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!



Stage 5
- INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
 

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.



2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Ugly: She's a lawyer.



3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.



4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them.



5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.



6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than you.



7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your

daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.



8. Good: The postman's early.

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.



9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.

Bad: It's another man.

Ugly: He's your best friend.



10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.

Bad: As a hooker.

Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.

Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Just Go With The Flow
 

Ok, very very very tacky, but I can't help myself...

Top 15 Euphemisms for Women "Getting their Period"

15. Miss Scarlet's Come Home to Tara

14. Trolling for Vampires

13. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy

12. Saddlin' Ole' Rusty

11. Feelin' Mestru-riffic

10. Clean-up in Aisle One

9. Massacre at the Y

8. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding

7. Game Day for the Crimson Tide

6. "Pantie Shields Up, Captain"

5. Taking Carrie to the Prom

4. Playing the Banjo in St. Zygote's Ragtime Band

3. Ordering le'Omelette Rouge

2. Arts and Crafts Week at Pantie Camp

1. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

Funny but very tacky but usually the best jokes are

Satan

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you’re still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years".

:D :D :D

This is really true but worth putting it here anyway :)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now you know:

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8-1/2 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did they use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8-1/2 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses!

Now the "rest of the story"

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through the tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only a pair of underwear made of Saran™ Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts"!




TY, TY.........Don't applaud...just throw money!......LOL..............Mrs. Lix

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
i love this joke
tho i would want to take kevin home and get into the habit;)

A crusty old Marine Corps colonel found himself at a gala event that
was hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time or is something bothering you?"
"Negative," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said.
"You know, you should lighten up a little -- relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex ?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well there you go -- you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously -- I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?
"The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Don't know. It's only 2130..."

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her

reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell

me now.

Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."


The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy,

and I admire that. But you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot
attend

church for three months. Be off with you now."


Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"


"Three month's vacation and five good leads!" says Tommy.

sorry ive got to post this one which a friend sent me

The lost Dr Seuss Poem

I Love My Job!

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love the office and it's location
I hate to have to go on vacation
I love the furniture, drab and grey,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell,
There is nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software.
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each programme and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the firm, I am.
I love this work,
I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to

and another one hope you enjoy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
> the one in charge.
> "I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's
> systems, so without me nothing would happen".
>
> I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
> over, so without me you'd all waste away."
>
> "I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I process food and
> give all of you energy."
>
> "I should be in charge," said the legs, " because I carry the body
> wherever it needs to go."
>
> "I should be in charge," said the eyes, " because I allow the body to see
> where it goes."
>
> "I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for
> waste removal."
>
> All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
> huff, he shut down tight.
>
> Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
> bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.
> They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
>
> The Moral of the story? Assholes are usually in charge ..

good one scorpi... also a good moral to the story is:
You don't have to be a brain to be the boss...
Just an asshole....

MARRIAGE

I don't think it's that bad, do you? You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." W.W.Renwick
-
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
-
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
-
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
-
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
-
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
-
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
-
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
-
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
-
Young Son: Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
-
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
-
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire. " "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
-
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second Marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
-
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Darwin Awards
 

It's that time again . . . . . They are finally out. You know about The Darwin Awards: the annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And this years nominees are:

Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER IS.....
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.

It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet AssistedTake Off - actually a solid fuel rocket that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields). He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes and
completely melted them - blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the face of the cliff at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.

Oh my! That almost makes me not want to post my little joke here. But here goes. I hope i dont offend anyone by this.


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do

Wabbit Hunting

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit.

Three old men were sitting around complaining about
how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when
I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake
so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced
all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing.
My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday,
I came three times." :D:D:D

a man walk into a shrinks office wearing only saran wrap around his waist. the shrink took one look at him and said. "I can surely see your nuts"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Husband shopping center

A “Husband Shopping Center” was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and say: “Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?”
So up they go.
Second floor says: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking”. “Hmmm”, say the girls, “But, I wonder what’s further up?”.
Third floor: “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” “Wow!” say the women. “Very tempting, BUT, there’s more further up!” And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!”
So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: “This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!”

Where do you live?
 

You live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in upstate New York when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in the Midwest when... .
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

three hookers a grandmother hooker a mother hooker and a daughter hooker were discussing prices.The daughter hooker complained that in these times she could barely get 40 dollars for giving a blow job.The mother hooker told her she was lucky in her day she was lucky to get 20 dollars.The grandmother piped up You think you have it bad.In my day we were happy to have something warm in our bellies>

Scotz---The scary thing is that everything in your joke;is true!
Irish

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply..."Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics." :D :D

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ARKANSAS IF:
submitted by Skeeter & Bubba thanx

"Vacation" means goin' through Harrison on the way to Branson.
*
You've seen all the biggest bands...ten years after their last hit.
*
You measure distance in minutes.
*
Down South, to you, means Louisiana.
*
You have no problem spelling or pronouncin' "Ouachita" or "Possum
Grape." (OUACHITA IS PRONOUNCED' WASH-A TAW'..FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY NOT BE FAMILIAR
*
You know what "Toad Suck" and "Booger Holler" are. (towns)
*
Your school classes were cancelled because of cold, heat, a tornado.
*
You've rode the school bus for an hour...each way. ...........(BOY, HAVE I BEEN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)..ONE+
*
You've ever had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
*
You think ethanol makes your truck run a lot better.
*
Stores don't have bags or carts...they have sacks and buggys.
*
You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
*
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it,
no matter what time of the year.
*
You end your sentences with a preposition, for example,"Where's my coat
at?".... "What's that made out of?"
*
All the festivals around the state are named after a food, bricks, or
lumber.
*
Priming was your first job...and you know what it means.
*
You say catty-wampus and tumped over.
*
You know the difference between a deer dog, a duck dog and a coon dog by
the way they bark.
*
You put security lights on your house and your garage and leave both of
them unlocked.
*
Pulaski County is considered a foreign or exotic place.
*
You consider being a "Beef Queen" an honour.
*
You carry jumper cables in your car.
*
You faithfully drink Pepsi, Mt. Dew, or Dr. Pepper everyday of your
life.
*
You know what a"cow drop" is.
*
You have your own secret bbq sauce.
*
You or your neighbours have more dogs than you have family
members.