Winter's comin'
 

Now THIS is cold!!!

Any golfers?
 

Only tried golf a few times.......


....... this woulda helped a LOT!! :)

Huh?
 

You know those signs you see, that don't seem to relate to anything?

Have you EVER.....
 

......wished you could do this?

For Fla. folks!!
 

Eat your heart out, Cleopatra!!!

Last for today!
 

This is when you KNOW you're having a good time!! :D









Hope you liked these!

DM

ROTFLMAO. Dm, where did you find those, they're terrific!

Glad you like 'em, dicksbro! :D

Some I get sent, others CA gets and she forward them to me. I post well under HALF of what is sent..... my own form of censorship, I guess! ;)

DM

Sorry to those of you North of the border but I just couldn't resist

An Mexican in Phoenix has his car stolen. He doesn't report it for 7 days. When he finally goes to the police station to report, the officer in charge says that since the loss accured over 7 days ago the vehicle is probably over the border and stripped for parts. The Mexican was heard to mutter as he left the station... "Damned Canadians!"

I thought this was funny

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up
Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they
got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry,"
Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather
breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men
found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got
an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to
figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney
of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember
that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday
up North about 9 months ago?""Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen
to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a
visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my
name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and
he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you
ask?" "She just died and left me everything."









(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Now keep
that smile for the rest of the day!! :)

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the boy what he had.

The boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The boy replied, "That ain't nothin'. You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband?" asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.

"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um... equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Too funny Bardog!! :D


An old gentleman was walking along the road one day, when he happened to see little Johnny sitting on the kerb crying his eyes out!
"What's the matter Johnny, why are you crying?" he asked.
"I'm cry(sniff)ing cos I ca-han't do what the (sniff) BIG boys do!" replied Johnny.
At that, the old gentleman sat on the kerb next to Johnny, and started crying HIS eyes out!!