Trust?? and another question
 

Hi all, I have a quick couple questions for you all..

I have a problem with trust..I know it, i can identify were it comes from *last few gfs really just lied to me all the time* So now Im so damn cautious that it feels like I can't trust anyone anymore. Has anyone ever been in this position? Its gotten so bad that I don't even wanna bother with any relationship anymore.. :nuts: Its been like this close to a year now since my last relationship and its worst now then ever b4.

The other question and the other reason I feel like this is, doesn't anyone like subtly and passion anymore? *Thanks Robert Lamm for the song :lol: * I mean it just seems like all ppl what to do anymore is fuck and move on...they dont wanna get close and tease and have fun. Sex to me is an extension of love, not something you share with a stranger on the street or at the bar, doesnt it seem like everything about good old fashion love is dead??

Is it possible that people withdraw and become secretive because of your inherent distrust?

Anything is possible Irish.

The catch 22 is that because of the problems b4, it has made me like this lol Feel like im trying to fly a lead ballon here. :)

Perhaps your trust issue is not one to with other people....perhaps the person you trust least is yourself.

You've made some poor judgements/choices when it comes to past relationships, so now, you don't feel you can trust your own instincts enough to choose a partner who is going to be reliable.

Being alone is a good way to re-examine your past relationships and see where it went wrong. Did you just choose the wrong type of person? If these girls were cheating on you (which by the tone of your post I'm guessing they did) were they trying to communicate that they needed more from the relationship than they were getting and you just didn't 'hear' what they were asking for? Were there warning signs that this was happening/going to happen that you ignored?

These are the questions you need to address in order to heal, so that you can then get out there and start afresh without the baggage of the failed relationships you've experienced before.

As for the question of sex vs love: love is out there, but the time has to be right, the person has to be right and YOU have to be right - that'll come when the other issues are sorted.

Not everyone wants sudden love and commitment.

Pick your mark.

I've totally been there. With me, it was my significant other cheating on me for three months. I was constantly catching him in lies, calling him at work and he wasn't there--that whole bit. This was 4 years ago. We've worked it all out, gone to counselling, etc, etc. But there is still that little voice of doubt that questions him occasionally. And I don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone 100% ever again.

Over time, it will get easier--you'll become less neurotic and paranoid in your relationships. But you will always remain a bit guarded. Always on your toes, wondering if the other person is completely faithful. But maybe that is not such a bad thing. We never truly really know anyone, and to think otherwise is just asking for trouble.

mara

I agree Mara - having blind faith in someone, never questioning anything they say and trusting them no matter what is called naivety. I also think that a healthy recognition of the fact that your partner COULD look elsewhere, helps to remind you to keep working on the relationship and not rest on your laurels.

Only a lady can rest on her Laurels.












Guys rest on their Hardys. :p

One of the worst things that ever happened to me was when my first boyfriend cheated on me. I was only 18 and we'd been together a few months. He slept with my best friend - and the worst bit was that I actually caught them doing it. At the time I *thought* I loved him. The reason he gave for sleeping with my best friend was that I wouldn't sleep with him right away...he had urges and he needed to sort them out, seeing as I wasn't forthcoming, he found someone who was. No matter it was the person I'd been closest to since I was 8 years old.

So trust is a huge issue for me and has been ever since. It took me a further 6 years to be able to trust a man again - I had dates, I met people but I could never allow them to get close to me in case the same thing happened. But things changed when I met my current OH - and we've been together just over 2 years now. I can't explain it, we clicked, it felt right, I instinctively knew that this man was someone who I could trust. We've had a few rocky patches and some issues with another woman causing us problems but we've always come through them.

Mara is completely right though - you never ever truly know someone 100%.

But the right person will present themself to you, just like they did to me - and it always happens when you least expect it.

cavegirl

It was the trust between you and your best friend is more the point.

I guess it was another issue too. I never really spoke to her much after that, and have never ever forgiven her.

I can't honestly say that I don't have some trust issues with women. A long time ago I walked in on the only woman I've ever been engaged to cheating on me. That left a mark I can't deny that. I do my best, however, not to allow what she did to taint my views of other women.

Hey, I'm 39 and still single, I obviously have some sort of committment problem but I am always honest about it with any woman I date. I do not sleep with someone just for the sake of getting laid. As much as I'd like to think I could do it, I know I can't. I've had one one-night stand in my life and I knew I was doing it for all the wrong reasons at the time but I let myself go ahead with it. That was back in '94 and it still sickens me to this day that I let myself use somebody like I did. I may go to my grave without ever "being" with another woman but I have to feel something for a woman before I can allow myself to "be" with her. Not even sure if that's part of what was being asked but there you have it. :p

I cant bring myself to have a one night stand with anyone either..When I was in Florida scuba diving I had a few chances the 2 weeks I was there, but they were mostly women that were drunk at the bar...God I hate when a women gets whiney when you tell them there to damn drunk for there on good LOL *one of them had the tightest body Ive ever seen in NJ and Fla combined, but I still couldnt*..Never the less...like Iowaman I have to feel something strong for the women before I can even start thinking of sleeping with them..

And that's how it should be.

I can't stand slutty men, and nothing puts me off a guy more than knowing he's had loads of one-night stands.

If you want a quality woman, you need to be a quality man.

*snicker* Iowman said "taint"