advice needed

[Vixenoir]

This is kinda long sorry ..

I met my husband when he was 19 and I was 24, he was VERY inexperienced which didn't bother me. After about 2 months together he had to go away to work and we spent time talking on the phone, the problem was after a week it seemed the only reason he wanted to talk to me was so he could get himself off (which really pissed me off .. you see I arent a prude at all but it was a case of hi.. lets talk about fucking ok gotta go.. bye..) .. when he got back I told him how much it pissed me off to be used like a 1900 number. He told me he assumed I was doing the same, and didn't understand why I was upset.

Things got better after we got back to where we were and we got married 2 years ago. He learned a lot and had a lot of stamina up until about 8 months ago. Now hes always tired, when I initiate he tells me no (its wrecked my self esteem, I had finally got to a point (after a previous abusive relationship of 7 years) of accepting myself and thinking that I may be ogle worthy.) and now has sex with me every 3-4 days when he wants it and when we do its over in 5 minutes.. no exagerration unfortunately. I'm toying with the idea of cheating which I have never done before. I really don't know what to do, the last time we had sex he jerked himself off into my mouth which he had never done before but I enjoyed alot, then immediatley turned around said I had forced him to do it (not true) he was going to sleep and was not gonna do anything for me , even though I'd been sucking his cock for a good 30 minutes. Now he won't talk to me, has told me I only want him for his dick and he may want to split up..

What is your advice oh knowledgable ones??? :)
Sorry this message is so long....

[Steph]

Wow, Vixenoir . . . sounds like a complicated place to be right now. Surely, his bedroom ways spill over into other areas of the relationship? Would he go for counselling?

He doesn't sound like someone I'd be able to be with . . . it almost sounds like he's got serious self-esteem issues or even mental health problems. Is he stressed about work?

[Nice Guy]

Man not to sound like a complete jerk but it sounds like your hubby may be cheating on you already. Obviously I don't know the whole situation, but the quick turn around of how he is behaving seems very odd indeed. Firstly though I'd say that it probably has very little to do with you. The problem looks to be laying in him and not in you.

[kleclere]

I would have to go with Nice Guy's thoughts. Don't lose your self esteem. You've gone thru so much and come out on top, ask him what his problem is and don't let him dump it on you. It sounds life you are doing your part. If you need to talk there are plenty of shoulders and ears here. Ken

[katekate42]

I agree with all the above statements. I'm not sure that he's cheating on you, but his actions certainly don't have anything to do with you-- after all, he's the one that's changed- you haven't. I can see how it would hurt your self-esteem and make you feel rejected when you initiate... My first thoughts go towards anything different in his work environment or in his life outside of your relationship that might be more stressful than usual? Also, have you just talked to him about it? A lot of men don't seem to realize how closely related sex and emotions are, and his past actions with the phone calls make me think that perhaps he just doesn't see things on that level. Perhaps you guys should go and see a counselor, especially since it seems to have really hurt you. Until then, we're all pulling for you and here to listen anytime :) Best of luck!

[Vixenoir]

Thank you all for your replies, its nice to know there are people I can talk to who won't judge me. I have tried to get him to go to counselling but he doesn't want to go, he has changed jobs recently so you may be onto something there. If things don't get better after a while in his new job then I'll have to look deeper into the problem.
Thanks again :)

[Steph]

You're quite welcome, Vixenoir. Does he hate his new job? Are things good everywhere else but the bedroom?

[Lilith]

He mentions splitting up andd you wanna cheat... sounds like it's already decided.

[osuche]

You guys need to sit down and talk this one out together. Sex is absolutely essential in a relationship -- and you DESERVE better. Don't feel guilty or demanding...there are big issues here you need to sort out.

And don't make the mistake of thinking it's your fault! Everyone has days where they aren't "on" and don't really want to have sex...but when this state of mind becomes a trend then you need to communicate with each other.

If you can't find common ground, then you need to re-evaluate the relationship. Cheating may be an option -- depending on your morality -- or it may be better to break up and find someone new.

Personally, the lack of communication would concern me more than the lack of sex. Libido issues can be caused by a variety of facors (sickness, stress, new job, mental outlook) and anything can be solved by effective communication.

BTW, I think you're great and gutsy for posting to get advice. Cheers and good luck!!

[Vixenoir]

The lack of communication has been worrying me also, hes very hard to talk to (he takes everything as a personal attack) and loses interest in conversations very quickly. I have tried a variety of ways to approach him, God I even found myself taking Dr. Phil's advice once (you understand my frame of mind better now :) ) and nothing seems to work..
he does like his new job better and other than the said problems things are good. He tells me I'm miserable a lot but as I told him if he was taking care of business in the bedroom (or any other room) then I'd be happy as a pig in muck. I'm a relatively easy person to get along with I just need daily attention.
All your advice has and is greatly appreciated
Thanks

[dave's girl]

You said he's hard to talk to because he takes everything as a personal attack. This worries me because that's the way my husband is and also my soon to be ex son-in-law. (I guess you could say my daughter is a much faster learner than I am!) Speaking from quite a few years experience with someone like this, I don't think there's much hope. There's probably not much chance of getting through to him. You deserve to be fulfilled sexually and emotionally too. I would try communicating to him what you want and need and if he doesn't get it, or makes it seem like it's all your problem, I'd show him the door.

[Wildeye]

This is complicated.

I would suggest counselling - either one each or together. It sounds like he resents you and you need to explore why, with a safety net, it should not be about blame. You need to look after yourself - increase your self-esteem. The sex you describe sounds very one-sided and almost aggressive, 30 minutes of oral, followed by facial cum...and then "tough luck.." Does this guy love you? I think it is a question to ask, someone who loves you should not do this to you.

Good luck, and keep posting, we all support you here

wildeye