A question for the ladies

[Jeava]

Ok I realize this question will but into doubts my....manliness..in the bedroom, but I really need to know. First a bit of history that I feel needs to be shared.

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 years now. In that time she and I have had a monogomous relationship, which I've honestly enjoyed. I was her first (to be honest, I wasn't the best first she could have had. It was...painful for her; well beyond the normal pain that is.) I however have had several other partners (four not including her) so the issue she and I in bed is new to me.

Ok heres the issue.

During intercourse (not foreplay or postplay - but actual penetration). She will have a minor orgasm (a shudder at best) and she looses all interest. On top of that she physically dries up. (I will have a dry flacky residue left on my penis). One of the hardest parts to this is that during which I still want to continue! She normally will let me go on, but I will usually fall short of orgasm out of guilt and also I really don't have any interest in such one sided sex. SHe and I have discussed this numorus times, and for her, sex is somthing of a guilty pleasure. (she was raised VERY catholic. I was raised Episcopalian).

I know the first and most obvious answer is to use KY or other lubracants. We have tried this, for me though I mentally disengage during the "Time out" and also the smell is pretty bad after we use it.

I also know that another undercurrent is that it sounds like (and could likly be) a "compititon to finish (read:achieve orgasm) instead of letting sex be the wonderful experience it is just for the sake of the sex.

I really love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But I dont know if I can do that with the...Victorian age sex life we have together.

Please help!

[Lilith]

When she has this orgasm during penetration, are you stimulating her clit in some way????? If you are not it is entirely possible she is not having and orgasm at all. She may be having a great time and coming close even but most women with out clittoral stimulation can not climax during penetration. She may finally "fake it" to give you permisssion to finish up. I may be wrong but it sounds kind of familiar from the days before I was so....so.......so well the me I am now. My suggestion is to slide into her and then hold still... then tickle her button... till she begins to move... let her set the pace. When you begin to move just follow her lead.... Let her fuck herself using you...if that makes any sense at all:o once she starts to come then go for it......

[Jeava]

Wow Thanks Lilth

I can only go by what she has told me and that is she feels like she has a small "yet satisfing" orgasm.

I don't know if the idea of clitoral stimilation is going to work (don't worry, I'll give it a try though! hehe) Usually her clit becomes hyper sensitive. The interesting thing here is that she is very sensitive and stimulated through a grinding motion to the lower front of her pelvic bone. (Just at the top of her vaginal lips and ....under.)

I really like your idea on giving her the control over speed. I definatly will try that. Its funny, now that I stop and think about it, as of late, she seems to be getting closer and closer every time. The funny part is that the closer she gets the faster she goes, to the point I can't even keep up anymore!! hehehe Oh well, practice makes perfect! :)|
Thanks again Lilith :)

[six]

I agree with what lilith said. It is entirely possible that your girlfriend IS having orgasms, but that doesn't mean she can't learn to have a more satisfying sexual interaction. Let her take the lead, but don't go all passive or anything. I think if she is going so fast you can't keep up, that means she hasn't mastered the art of slowly building up the passion. Learning how she orgasms *best* the way things are now is a start - then you can both work together to find ways to slow it down, find other "patterns" of getting pleasure from the experience.

I went through a similar experience where I would just get into this frantic pelvic thrusting - it would get to an orgasm, but it wasn't the best sex ever, if you know what I mean... My boyfriend would put his hands on my hips and gently slow me down, but guide my movements in the same pattern I had been going already. Just slower... then he'd work his own movements to compliment mine. Had to use lots of lubricant at first, until I got the hang of learning what would feel good and getting turned on by the anticipation alone...

Good luck!

[!LuciDarkstar!]

Hi, Jeava,

I think you should go down on your GF before you have penetrative intercourse. If she's a little dry during sex, then what better lubricant is there in the world than the saliva of a loving partner? (God, I wish there was a nicer word meaning "saliva".) In fact, why don't you try & help her to cum with your tongue before you even enter her? Some of us like to be penetrated just after we've climaxed (the feeling as it fills you up when the contractions are still flowing like waves through your body is just incredible).

Diving is a noble art. If you get good at it (and so long as she's not ashamed or embarrassed to have you down there) you're going to make her a very happy bunny indeed. You don't need a degree to do it. All you need's a lot of enthusiasm, a steel-reinforced jaw and a tongue as long as this little fella:

:fly:

Don't think of cunnilingus as just "foreplay", 'cause for a lot of us girls its more like the main course than a mere starter. What Lilith says is true: surprisingly few women cum from penetration alone. (In the words of Frank Zappa: "There's a spot that gets me hot, & you ain't been to it...") Some don't even like to be penetrated vaginally at all when they're about to cum.

Take your time licking your girlfriend - carressing gently around her labia with the tip of your tongue to begin with; just tickling really; avoiding her clit at the beginning (its often too sensitive if you go "straight for the button" this early); just sweeping your tongue around it in wide circles, teasing open her pussy lips; exploring; getting more adventurous and cocky the more her fingers tighten their grasp in your hair, until your lapping at her like a thirsty dog at its water bowl. Your hands stroking over her thighs, belly, up to her breasts, slipping inside her if that's what she likes. Once you get your girlfriend kinda wet with your tongue her vagina's going to automatically lubricate itself. The more aroused she becomes, the more her clit is going to engorge and swell out of its little hood. That's when you can start directly touching it: tentatively to begin with - test the water before you go diving right in. Once she's really getting into it, you need to keep a strong steady rhythm, flicking the tip of your tongue up and down and round about. (Some say you should write all the letters of the alphabet on her clit with your tongue.)

A lot of guys make the mistake of getting their girl aroused with their tongue but not having the stamina (or decency) to keep it going till she actually cums. There's nothing in the world more frustrating than almost being there. You just lay there seething silently, all this energy bubbling up in you and no release.

So, in conclusion, my advice is to lick her till she cums and then fuck like wild animals. :D You'll be amazed how different things are when she's naturally wet (rather than from a tube).

Hope this helps.

[RandyGal]

Just a short note here....

there shouldn't be any odor associated with using KY jelly. KY has no taste or smell and it's one of the least expensive and helpful sex tools I've ever used (besides my toys, of course LOL).
A womans dryness has absolutely NOTHING to do with how aroused she is...so don't think that either of you are doing something wrong. Some people are just more moist than others.

Also, some or rather MANY women and men out there are conservative in everything they do in life and often it isn't possible to change how they feel about things like sex.
I would seriously use caution before marrying someone who's sexual appetite or ability to have fun in the bedroom doesn't closely match mine.

I like to be noisy, I like to have fun, I like to try different things.

My husband likes straight missionary sex...and he's SILENT while doing so.

25++ years is WAY too long to be mismatched in an area as important as this is.

Oh.
Sorry.
I was gonna keep this short! LOL

Have fun whatever you do try...it isn't life or death, so play around and see what works for you both. :)

[Nuelaan]

I'm kind of in the same boat as you Jeava. My GF is also very embaressed by all thing sexual. She is also not experienced. I really look foreward to the day she opens up to the thought that sex isn't dirty, but until she does, if she ever does, I will encourage her when I can, but mostly be there. The truth, at least for me, is that sex is nice, fun, enjoyable, and a nice expression, but it doesn't make a relationship

[!LuciDarkstar!]

It doesn't make a relationship, but it does keep it fresh and exciting. Remember, too, that women (and I guess guys) can sometimes go through periods in their lives where they have a low libido - especially if they're stressed, exhausted (by work) or depressed. If a woman's feeling like that, there's not a lot someone else can do to "get her moist". She needs a little tender loving care and time to relax back into a sexy mood.

Let us know how you get on in your quests, Jeava & Nuelaan.

[Oldfart]

Jeava

You have a mountain of mutual exploration to climb yet before

you start erecting fences.

You mention "not foreplay, or postplay", how much of this are

you getting up to?

Explore single and mutual play so that she'll be more accepting

(hopefully) of her own pleasure and ready to drag you to the edge as well.

If the handbrake stays on, it may speak volumes about the relationship.

Have fun.

[Summer]

Also I am going to interject one more thing ....
Are you using a latex condom? If so she could be having an allergic reaction to it. I know I am personally allergic to them and didn't find out to much later in life.
-Summer

[pepsigirl]

I agree Lucidarkstar.....you could go down on her when she dries up, and lubricate her with your saliva. Plus, it will probably get her going again. Works well for me.