Truly Twisted Sex Jokes

[gekkogecko]

How many can we collectively come up with? I'll start the thread with this offering:

Man: Do you smoke after sex?

Woman: Only if I don't lubricate properly.

[Oldfart]

That's not twisted.

Little girl walks up to an old lady in the park and asks

"Little old lady, have you seen my dog Porky?

He's got a twisty little tail and floppy ears."

Little old lady says that she hasn't.

Lady asks if the dog is called Porky because of his twisty tail.

"No, old lady."

Lady asks if the dog is called Porky because of his floppy ears.

"No old lady."

"Why is he called Porky then?"

"He fucks pigs, Lady"


That's twisted.

[Oldfart]

Q Why did the pervert cross the road?

A Because he was stuck in the chicken.

[Clint]

Q. What does an 800 lb. woman and a mo-ped have in common?

A. They're both fun to ride until your friends catch you on them :)

[BigDanRTW]

whats the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne waits until a boy is thirteen before it comes on his face

[m45]

What is the worst part about eating a Vegetable?

You have to put them back in the wheel chair when yor done...

[Mytaru]

omg!! now that was just bad...(i didn't actually think any of the other ones were that bad...wonder whats wrong with me)

[Clint]

I completely agree with Mytaru about your joke M45. It was tasteless, wrong, immoral, condensending, untactful, rude, and obnoxious...............in other words, I loved it :D :D :D


FYI........We have a jokes section in Gen. Sex Talk, but I think that this will make for a fun and fresh thread in the games section.


Q. What's the difference between a woman and mashed-potatoes?

A. A woman can make her own gravy.


Pretty, tasteless, huh? ;)

[heatluvintxn]

There was a man in a bar speaking with his son of peoples titles...He tells his son, "Over there is banker john...they call him that because he is a banker."

The son nods in agreement.

The father says, "and look...there is brewer mike...they call him that since he brews the beer we drink.

The son looks at his dad and asks, "what do they call you father?"

The man says "well i built my own house and barn but they do not call me builder, and i have you as my son but they do not call me father...but fuck a sheep once..."

[vampeyes]

ok ok bad but I chuckle just the same :D

What do you give an 80 yr old woman for her birthday?
Mikey - he'll eat anything !!

What does and 80 yr old woman taste like?
Depends!!

[Clint]

Here's one I think you all may enjoy:


One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an mouse passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The mouse asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

So the mouse gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".

The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little mouse gonna do anyways?" The mouse climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.

"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the mouse responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."

[heatluvintxn]

Two women were talking:

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!"

[PantyFanatic]

What’s the difference between woman and sheep?:confused:


Sheep don’t do windows.;)

[Clint]

This one is just plain tasteless and disgusting *LOL*


A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."




Told ya so ;)

[PantyFanatic]

Young boy sheepishly approaches his dad and asks if he would tell him something. :)

Sure son. “What is it?”:rolleyes:

Knowing it was something, but not what, he says, “I heard some of the big kids talking and I want to know what is a pussy”?:confused:

The father gets some of his PlayBoy mags from the top of his closet and shows his son.

The boy then asks, “Then what is a cunt?”.

“That’s who owns the pussy!”:eek:

[Clint]

Two nuns are riding bicycles through the old back roads of Italy to reach the Vatican. One nun looks to the other and says,
"I've never come this way before."
The other nun responds,
"It must be the cobblestones sweetie."

:D I love that joke :D

[Clint]

Q. What do you call a heard of masturbating bulls?

A. Beef Strokinoff

[lixnlix69]

Why did God give women foreheads?

So you have some place to kiss after you cum in their mouth!

Tasteless.....and I like it!

Mrs. Lix

[Clint]

That was a great one Mrs. Lix :)

Q. What kind of sex does a priest get?

A. Nun

[m45]

How do you get 4 guy gays on a bar stool??

Ture it up side down..

[GermanSteve]

Q: What is the difference between eating oysters and oral sex?

A: The lemon juice!

(Ahmm, you can laugh about it, but I guess, finally it is not really a joke :D )

[heatluvintxn]

Two gay men are hitchhiking on this highway....They are walking along when a semi stops and offers them a ride.

They get in and introduce themselves.

The drive along pleasantly when all of a sudden one of the gay guys fart. It wasnt the usual loud type but a silent puff of air.

No one says anything and the go along for a while longer.

The second gay guy also lets out a fart....and again its a silent puff of air.

The two guys do this repeatedly until the truck driver says, "Thats not how you fart...this is a real fart!"
And he lets it rip with the sound echoing inside of the trucks cabin.

The two gay guys look at each other and say "Virgin."

[Clint]

ROTFLMAO @ Heatluvintxn.........that was awful. ;) Ewwwww :D

*Clint

[me_carl]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".

"No," she replies........."

"You just happened to catch my eye."

[me_carl]

A Woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like
bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some
grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines. "It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of
homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" She
inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my
desire for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything
to eat. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a
pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple
of minutes? He declines. "Naw, still not hungry." "Well," she
says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!!"

[me_carl]

One evening, a female police officer pulled a man over for DUI, and said,
"You are under arrest. Anything you say, can and will be held against you.
Do you want to say anything?"

The drunk replied, "Nice b00bs."

[Clint]

This isn't exactly a sex joke, but it's twisted nonetheless ;)

Jesus walks into a hotel, goes up to the check-in counter and throws three nails down on the counter. He looks at the clerk and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Bad Clint

[biggun]

Q. What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?


A. You push them both aside and keep on eating.

[scotzoidman]

What's the difference between parsley & pussy?


People actually eat pussy

[SamanthaC]

Little girl asks her mother "Where do babies come from Mommy?"

The mother figures she is old enough for the Birds and Bees talk, so she explains the differences between a man's body and a woman's, and how he will put his penis in the woman's vagina and that is where babies come from.

The little girl looks at her mother wide-eyed and says "Mommy, I am confused. The other night I was walking past your bedroom and Daddy's penis was in your mouth. Why?"

And her mother replied "Oh honey, that is how we get expensive jewelry."

[dicksbro]

Not a joke but a cute limerick:

There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
On her knees every day
To God she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.

:whiteghos

[dicksbro]

Okay, here's a joke:

A farmer in Montana was driving along a country road when he came across a hitchhiker. Stopping and picking up the young man he asked where he was from.

“San Francisco,” replied the young guy in a somewhat feminine sounding voice.

A little way down the road the farmer saw a ewe with it’s head caught in the forked posts of a fence. “Ever had one of those before,” asked the farmer?

“No,” replied the young man.

Stopping the truck the farmer went over behind the ewe and had his way with the poor beast. When he got back to the truck he asked if the young man wanted to try that.

“Okay,” said the young man walking over and putting his head in the forked posts of the fence.

[kitwalker]

There was a young man of the Cape,
On a maiden committed a rape.
Said she, "You are a damned shit,
You can't fuck a bit,
And you're knocking my quim out of shape."

The Pearl, selections of Victorian erotica

[Oldfart]

Gay couple went to the Zoo, one of them falling enamoured of a

large, hairy, very well endowed gorilla.

He climbed over the wall and fronted the ape.

The ape picked him up and carried him into the cave.

Screams and groans for a few hours as the ape has his wicked way.

Rescued, the victim sat for weeks, silent.

Finally, his partner asked if he was hurt.

"Hurt, Hurt? Of course I'm hurt! He doesn't ring, he doesn't write, he......"

[FussyPucker]

Couple more funnies for you all

There was a young lady from Leith
Who would circumcise men with her teeth
It wasn't for fame
Or love of the game
But to get at the cheese underneath.

There was a young actress from Crewe
Who remarked as the vicar withdrew
The Bishop was quicker
And thicker and slicker
And two inches longer than you.

There was a young plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing his girl with great glee
She said stop your plumbing
I think someone's coming
Said the plumber still plumbing "its me"!

There was a young fella from Harrow
Who had one as big as a marrow
He said to his tart
Try this for a start.
My balls are outside on a barrow.

and finaly

There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a whore from her grave
She was mouldy as shit and missing a tit
But think of the money he saved.

[Clint]

OMG FussyPucker...Those are great *ROTFLMAO* TY for sharing them :D

*Clint

[me_carl]

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."
The Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. The Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

[misomo]

Do you know what a Yankee is?


Same thing as a quicky, but a man can do it by himself

[DildoDiva]

7 year old, little Johnnie, confronts his girlfriend, Julie's, father. Little Johhny tells the man, "Mr. Smith, Julie and I are in love and we want to get married."

Julies father, Mr. Smith thinks this is the most adorable thing so he humors the little boy and tells him, "Getting married is a very big step Little Johnnie. Where do you and Julie plan to live?"

Little Johnnie answers, without hesitation, "Well, Julies room is bigger than mine so I can move in with her and we will have plenty of room."

Mr. Smith's smile broadens even more thinking how adorable this is, "Well, then how will you live? You don't have a job to support her."

Johnnie quicky spouts out, "Well, Julie's allowance is 4 dollars a week and mine is 6. That is 40 dollars a month and I think that will do nicely."

Thinking that the little boy has thought this out very carefully, he decides he will stump him with a question, "Well, what do you plan to do when you have babies?"

Little Johnnie says, "Well, so far, we've been lucky."

[nitedreamer]

Young David was sitting in class one day when his teacher asked him a question. "If a farmer has 12 cows and shoots 5, how many cows are left?"

David responded, "None, teacher." "No, David, there would be seven." "No mam, if you shoot one cow, all of the other cows get scared away, so you would have none left."

" Well, that's not exactly right, but I like the way you're thinking."

Then David says,"Ok, I have a question for you. Three women are eating pops. One is licking her pop, one is biting it, and the other is sucking it. Which woman is married?"

His teacher replies, " Well, it is the one sucking the pop."

"No, it's the one with a ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

[markkk]

two boys are standing outside a whorehouse and they watch the men going in with long faces and $20 dollar bills in their hand,when the men come back out they are all happy and smiling.The one boy says to the other, man whatever is in their must be good lets go in and see. Once inside the one boy says to the maddam I want whatever the last guy got. She looks down at the boy and says how much money do you have, well I have a dollar. So she thinks for a moment and takes his dollar, then she runs her finger up and down her pussy for a minute and puts it to his nose. When they leave the other boy says well how is it. Well the little boy says I don't think I could handle $20 dollars of that

[dv847]

At a hill country wedding everyone is stunned when the grooms father storms to the front of the church and calls off the wedding.When asked the reason why,it seems that the groom was very nervous about his wedding night and how to behave.When he confided to his father that the soon to be bride was a virgin,at the ripe old age of 12,that ended the festivities.The reason?"Well,if she ain't good enough for kinfolk then By God she ain't good enough for my son!"

[Hollywood]

There was an old man from Netuckit
Whos dick was so long he could suck it
As he wiped his chin
He said with a grin
If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.

Over the hill came Piss Pot Pete
with 40 pounds of hangin meat
As he laid her down in the deep dark grass
he started fucking her in the ass
The she blew a great big fart
and blew his balls wide apart
Back over the hill came Piss Pot Pete
With 40 pounds of Shreaded Meat.

[BIBI]

Arriving late in the evening a newlywed couple checked into a fishing resort for the honeymoon.
Tired they went to bed and the groom was up and out at five to go fishing.
He comes back at night for dinner at 5 and eats alone in the dining room, has a few drinks and goes to bed at closing.
Day two the same things happen...up and out at 5, back at 5, dining room till closing and then off to bed.
The owner notices this and he feels it is a puzzling way to spend a honeymoon.
Day three arrives and the groom goes once again fishing at 5 in the morning and returns at 5 in the evening. The owner follows him into the dining room to see if his bride is going to join him. Needless to say she doesnt and so at closing the owner ventures over to the young man and says " Arent you on your honeymoon?" The man replies "yes sir, why?"
The owner goes on to explain that he found it odd that his new wife never leaves the room and all he does is fish...The owner says that he should be up in the room fucking his new bride.
The young man replies...she can't fuck for she has syphillis. The owner says...then have her give you blow jobs, to which the young man replies...She cant sir, she has pyrreha...Frustrated the owner says then for gods sake man fuck her in the ass.!!!! The young man shakes his head and tells him that he cant do that either for she has piles...Completely frustrated the owner of the resort yells at him...THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU MARRY THE WOMAN THEN??????

To which the young man calmly replies, "Well sir, it's like this. I love fishing and she's got worms!"

[Nikki]

OMGGGGGGG.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..........LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[elwood]

why do women have 2 holes so close together?

so you can carry them about like a six pack of beer.


a man goes to the doctor with a lump on his forehead the doctor examines it and says "i'm afraid you have penisitus your lump will soon grow into a fully formed penis"

the man replies "you will need to operate to remove it"

doctor "i'm afraid surgery is not an option it is rooted deep in your brain"

man "you mean i will have to look at a full grown penis sticking out of my forehead for the rest of my life?"

doctor "no you wont be able to see it you will have 2 balls hanging down over your eyes"

[elwood]

what does oral sex and and espionage have in common?

one slip of the tongue and your in the shit

an old couple in their 80's are sitting drinking in a bar the man says "do you remember the first time we made love?". "of course" replies his wife " 65 years ago we were sitting in this same pub and you suggested we go outside for some fun and you took me from behind over the fence it was so exciting"
"do you fancy doing it again for old times sake" asked the man
"sure" says the wife
so they head outside, a man who was sitting at a nearby table and overheard the conversation think this should be something and follows the old couple out and hides in the bushes.
the old couple approach the fence she lifts her skirt and lowers her nickers the man again enters her from behind as she leans on the fence, immediately the man begins thrusting forcefull and very energetically. they are at it for an hour and the pace doesnt let up at all, the man watching is amazed at their stamina and when they finally finish and lay on the grass to rest he goes over and explains that he overheard their conversation and had watched their romp and was amazed that after 65yrs together and at their age they could still have such great sex
to which the couple replied "65 years ago that fence wasnt electric"

[lorri]

I saw this in a magazine the other day and it made me laugh for ages .. hope you enjoy

Dear Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep
One who's handsome, smart and strong, one who's cock is thick and long
One who thinks before he speaks .. when he promises to call he won't wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed, when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed
A man who pulls out my chair and opens my door, massages my back and begs to do more
Oh, send me a man who'll make love to my mind, one who knows what to say when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin' - in the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen
I pray this man will love me no end, and he'll never ever attempt to shag my best friend
And as I kneel and pray by my bed
I despair at the loser you sent me, Lord, instead.

[dzbuster]

two truckers sitting eating in a diner. lady at the next table starts choking. one trucker gets up grabs her bends her ver the table and yanks up her skirt. he runs his tongue from her ankle to her back. the lady gasping spits up the piece of food. when the trucker sits back down his bud tells him "i've heard of but never seen that hienie lick manuver"

guy buys his gf a t shirt and a vibrator for valentines day. tells her if she doesn't like the shirt she can fuck herself.

guy tells the bartender send those two ladies drinks on me. they wave him over. thank you nobody ever buys us drinks because we're lesbians. he says no matter i was raised that ladies don't buy their drinks. wow how chivalrous you deserve a treat want to see our tits? sure. thank you. couple of drinks later you want to smell some pussy? sure. she blows in his face.

[Vintage Vixen]

Originally posted by dzbuster
Hmm t-shirt and vibrator?? isn't that what i got for valentines day lol:)




two truckers sitting eating in a diner. lady at the next table starts choking. one trucker gets up grabs her bends her ver the table and yanks up her skirt. he runs his tongue from her ankle to her back. the lady gasping spits up the piece of food. when the trucker sits back down his bud tells him "i've heard of but never seen that hienie lick manuver"

guy buys his gf a t shirt and a vibrator for valentines day. tells her if she doesn't like the shirt she can fuck herself.

guy tells the bartender send those two ladies drinks on me. they wave him over. thank you nobody ever buys us drinks because we're lesbians. he says no matter i was raised that ladies don't buy their drinks. wow how chivalrous you deserve a treat want to see our tits? sure. thank you. couple of drinks later you want to smell some pussy? sure. she blows in his face.

[dzbuster]

a teacher, a lawyer and a priest on a sinking ship.
teacher: save the children
lawyer: fuck the children
priest: do we have time?

[dzbuster]

then there's the hooker who didn't know she was raped until the check bounced :p