Jokes

[Sharni]

Q : How many animals can you fit into a pair of stockings?

A : 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find

:D:D

[Sharni]

A farm boy gets up early one morning and finds himself very hungry. So he rushes downstairs to get his breakfast.

When he reaches the kitchen, he finds his Mum already there. "Not so fast young man" She says "You won't get breakfast until you've done your chores!!"

Perturbed, the boy stomps out of the house to do his chores. On the way to the barn, he shoves the cow out of his way. Then he kicks the rooster in his frustration. At the pig, he pulls the sows ears.

Finally he finishes his chores and returns to the kitchen to get his breakfast.

His Mum says "I saw you shove the cow, and for that you won't have any milk for breakfast. I also saw you kick the rooster, for that, no eggs. And I saw you pull the sows ears, for that, no bacon.

At that very moment, the little boy's Dad walks through the door and trips over the cat. Pissed off, he kicks the cat across the room.

The little boy looks up at his Mum and says " Are you going to tell him or am I"

[desmond_25]

Bob goes into the public toilet and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
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A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it."

She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier."

He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier.

"Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?"

"Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the fucking scabs..."
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A guy walks into a brothel and tells one of the girls that he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds to suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.

He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into the bucket.

The guy asks, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"

She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."

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killer vices

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself.

His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
*****************************************************************

The Chastity Belt
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"Why this is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" exclaimed the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way.

All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.

What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

****************************************************
Initiation ceremony
A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing -- until people saw the pastor.

As the room quieted down, he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there... She's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!"

The bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again!

The pastor went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"

***************************************************

[mindboxer505]

Just saying that it is hard to read these jokes and eat ice cream..........you guys and gals just crack me up!!!
Sharni.....thanks for explaining All the rules to me!!!!!!!!!!lmao

[legend]

Sharni - regarding the cat and buttered toast thing, what you can do is make an engine out of it.....an eternal non-combustion engine :)

[Oldfart]

What do you give a paedophile who has everything?




















A new Scout Troop.

[Lilith]

OF~ that is just WRONG!!!!!!!!!:D :D :D LMAO

[Irish]

O.F.---I think that it is funny!The subject may be wrong but you
can't take everything in life;seriously.You'll soon go crazy if you take;all of the things;that happen in life; seriously;and don't joke
around about things. Irish

[Sharni]

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!

[scotzoidman]

Here is a riddle for the "intellectually" minded. The answer is at the end for those who cannot think this one through!

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are each thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?



















"Don't look down!"

[GermanSteve]

Three vampires are going out to the "Vampire´s Inn". The first is asking the keeper for a nice glass of blood group A. The second prefers group 0. The third says:"Could you be so kind and bring me a cup of hot water, please!". The other two look at him and the first asks:"Are you ill or what? Do you have a diet?"
The third is getting out a bloody Tampax and says:"No, it´s tea time!!"

[Nubian]

LMAO. That's just delightfully sick.

[john39]

Sweet young thing goes to the movies with her boy-friend.

During the show she leans over and says, "Darling, the man beside me is masturbating". The boy-friend advises her to ignore him.

She replies, "I can't, he is using my hand".

;-)

John.

[Nubian]

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

[Nubian]

A son takes his ill father to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor advises that the father is dying of cancer.

On the way home from the hospital, the father tells his son that he has had a good, long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate. Surprised, the son reluctantly agrees.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying from AIDS. When his friends leave, the son says, "Dad, you're dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "It's rather simple, son... I don't want my friends fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

[Nubian]

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, refused to touch it.

[Sharni]

My aunt used to tell me there were three kinds of sex in a marriage. There was exciting sex, necessary sex and hallway sex.
~~Exciting sex is when you're first married and you can't wait to get at each other.~~
~~Necessary sex is after you've been married for seven or eight years and it's more of a chore than anything else....~~
~~Hallway sex is after you've been married for thirty or forty years and you pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck You!!!".~~

[Oldfart]

Sex,

The final resort for people who've run out of conversation.

I forget who....

[Sharni]

The woman in question, a cute brunette, was pulled over for speeding by a Highway Patrolman motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "No, Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realised what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

[GermanSteve]

What is the difference between sushi and oral sex?

The rice!

[GermanSteve]

Why does santa claus have such a big sack?


because he only comes one time per year!

[Lovediva]

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone.
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.
Clean cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend.

Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub.
In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.
By a fence.
Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long,
So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!"
"A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"
And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd.

Whizzed, that is.
Straight stream.
Even seam.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?????

[GermanSteve]

Why do many women like to wear leggins?


Because it is then possible to read all their wishes from their lips...

[GermanSteve]

Did you hear about the inventor that created a mixture between a Tampax and vibrator? He says, if women have some bad days every month, at least they should enjoy it. :D

[Oldfart]

Q. What's the difference between a blonde man and a

blonde woman?

A. Usually the blonde woman has a higher sperm count.

[Irish]

O.F.
Q:How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:NONE;It's a womans job.
P.S.Before all of the women get up in arms.It's a JOKE. Irish

[legend]

just received this in the email:

World's most sexest jokes
1/ Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2/ If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow
3/ How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
4/ Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
5/ What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is f-cking her.
6/ What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
7/ What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
8/ How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
9/ What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
10/ Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator..
11/ What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
12/ How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
13/ If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
14/ How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
15/ What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
16/ What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
17/ Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
18/ How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
19/ How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
20/ What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
21/ How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the
end you lose your house.
22/ Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
23/ What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
24/ What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
25/ What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
26/ Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a Waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
27/ Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
28/ How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
29/ Why did the woman cross the road?
What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?
30/ Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet

[legend]

just to even it up a bit....

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man
for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you
a hard time.
But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things.
He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been
complaining , I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy
your physical needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting
and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think
properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know...., woman to woman."

[Oldfart]

If God was a woman the world wouldn't be as untidy

a place as it is.

[scotzoidman]

Two ministers were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

[scotzoidman]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist, "the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"Of course not," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[Oldfart]

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY, WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE


10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!"
- JFK, 1963

And... drum roll...

The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...

"Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"- Wayne Carey, 2002

(Aussie football player caught fucking a team-mate's wife)

[legend]

OF - must have been a strategic move, throw off the opposition.....make them think about where the wives are at rather than having their minds on the game.

[Oldfart]

It worked.

[Oldfart]

Hang on, this was his own team.

Irish tactics? (Sorry Irish)

[legend]

OF - perhaps you could add to the list "What @#$%ing iceberg?" - Captain Smith, 1912

[Irish]

O.F.---No offence taken!The fact that he got his Dick wet;is what
is most important. Irish
P.S.That's where the term-"Any port in a storm"came from.

[legend]

OF - that list reminded me of some famous last words i'd read
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist....." - General John Sedgewick, US Civil War

[Irish]

It also reminded me of the last words of the"Lone Ranger."
When he and Tonto were surrounded by indians.The Lone Ranger
said to Tonto:"Is that the Fuckawa Tribe;out there?We are surrounded;Kemosabe."
Tonto replied:"What you mean We;White man?" Irish

[BamaKyttn]

Irish: I've been using the "whatchu mean We white man" for years, that line comes in handy in daily conversation

Always
Kyttn

[Oldfart]

Kytten, always a very handy phrase.

Legend, most famous last words...OOPS!!

[Oldfart]

Legend

"A wonderful day for a @#$96ing joy-flight."

Fleet Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto. 1943

[scotzoidman]

A Redneck's last words... "Hey, y'all, watch this..."

[scotzoidman]

Advice from Kids

"Never trust a dog to watch your food." - Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." - Hannah, age 9

"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." - Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." - Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." - Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." - Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." - Naomi, age 14

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." - Lauren, age 9

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, age 8

[scotzoidman]

After his worst game of golf ever, a husband comes home, plops himself down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." She gets him a beer and fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks irritated, but gets him another beer and slams it down in front of him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is now furious. She yells "You've been out golfing all day! Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

[scotzoidman]

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE-male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS-female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE-male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES-female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE-female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE-male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER-female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS-male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY-male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS-female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER-male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL-female...Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[Nubian]

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of scotch whisky at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, so sat down with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young female French tourists walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. When they came to the source of the snores, one lass said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with. Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let's thank him for the education!" Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow. After several moments passed, he said, "I donna know where y'been lad...but it's nice t'see ye won first prize!"

[Nubian]

One day God and Adam were walking the garden.
God told Adam it was time to populate the earth.
He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
Adam replied "God, what is a kiss?"
God told Adam and Adam went and took behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"
God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
Adam says, "Lord what is caress?"
God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush.

A little while later, he came out and said "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next."
God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her."
Adam said "Lord, what is make love?"
God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"

[Nubian]

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day!
My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me."

[GermanSteve]

"could you please bring me a bloody steak?"

"sure, and do you wish some fucking potatoes with it?"

:)

[Sugarsprinkles]

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake
biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years
of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes
up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man
will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged
wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened
the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and
squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing
barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any
meat at it!"

[Sugarsprinkles]

The Contest!!!!!!
This lady had been married to a farmer all her life. They had cows
and
horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the
local
farmer's market. While shopping at the local grocery store for a few
items
that she and her husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she
came
across a contest form while she was in the store. It was from the
Carnation
Milk Company and the object was to complete a jingle in fifty words
or less.
The Company furnished the first line of the jingle with these
words, "I like
Carnation best of all......." and it was about those little cans of
milk
found on grocery store shelves.

So she completed their jingle and sent it off to the Carnation Milk
Company.
A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a man from
Carnation
Milk came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one
submitted. However it was unfortunate the company could not publish
it. In
lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth
at least
a consolation award and provided her with a company check in the
amount of
$1000 for creativity. Here is her entry:

"I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch
JUST PUNCH A HOLE IN THE SON OF A BITCH."

[me_carl]

Martha and Jean, two widows, are talking:

Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . . . I know you
went out with him last week, and wanted to talk with you about him before I
give him my answer."

Jean: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such
beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a
beautiful car . . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes
me out for dinner . . . a marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show
. . . let me tell you Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died
from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into
an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his
way with me two times!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"

Jean: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[GermanSteve]

Better copulate than never.

[Lovediva]

KNOW YOUR TREES

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in! :D :D

[Oldfart]

A man calls in sick at work.

His boss goes ballistic because this is the eighth time he's called

in sick in four weeks.

"If this guy isn't almost on his death-bed, his ass is grass!" he

growled as he picked up his extension.

"OK, just how sick are you?"

The small voice at the other end of the phone said,
















"Well, I'm in bed with my sister....."

[sugarfreecandy]

For the Irish contingent:

GUINNESS STOUT

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[sugarfreecandy]

THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ANY CRISIS
* Indecision is the key to flexibility.
* There is always one more son-of-a-b---- than you counted on.
* There is absolutely NO substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
* Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
* The facts, although they may be interesting, are irrelevant.
* The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
* Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
* Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
* This is probably as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.
* If you think that there’s good in everyone, you haven’t met everyone.
* All other things equal, fat people use more soap.
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

[sugarfreecandy]

Why did the Chicken cross the road?
(Hypothetical answers from various famous people)
(author unknown)

Ralph Nader
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

Pat Buchanan
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Dr. Seuss
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Bill Gates
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain.

Aristotle
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.

Grandpa
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Regan
What chicken?

Captain James T. Kirk
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Sigmund Freud
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Senator Lieberman
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

Jerry Falwell
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face?
The chicken was going to the 'other side.' That's what 'they' call it -- the 'other side.'
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.
I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.'
That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's plain and simple as that.

Einstein
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by 'chicken?'
Could you define "chicken" please?

Louis Farrakhan
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the 'black man' in order to trample him and keep him down.

The Bible
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And lo, the chicken did cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

[Murphy]

The princess of a far-away kingdom was getting old enough to marry. Her father, the king decided to hold a contest to see which of three neighboring princes would be chosen to marry her. On her 17th birthday he invited the 3 royal families to the birthday ball. After the dining, and dancing were pretty much over, he stood and made the announcement.

"As you all know My Daughter is to be wed. To fairly choose the best husband for her, I give each of you 3 princes this challange: Whosoever collects the most ping-pong balls by midnight of my daughters 18th birthday shall have her hand in marriage."

With that the young princes set out on thier quests.

The year passed, and again the 3 neighboring families gathered for the birthday ball. After dinner, the first prince enters, followed by a dozen servents carrying baskets full of ping pong balls. "Sire, I present you with 1,000 ping pong balls, and ask that you grant your daughter's hand to me!"

[Murphy]

"Son," the king replied, "there are still two other princes to present their results, enjoy the dancing while we wait."

And so the dancing began. After the dancing, the second prince enters the hall, followed by 2 dozen servants carrying baskets full of ping pong balls.

"Sire, I have come with 2,000 ping pong balls to claim your daughter's hand in marriage!"

"Son," the king replied, "there is still one more prince to present his results, enjoy some coffee while we wait."

As Midnight approached, the second prince stands up "Sire, I fear the last prince may not arrive, Pray announce that I am the winner of your fair daughters hand."

[Murphy]

As the king begins to rise, and as the Bells start tolling midnight, the doors to the hall burst open.

There stands the final prince. His clothing is tattered, he is coverd in mud, blood and gore. over his shoulder he carries a huge, furry sack, which he places at the kings feet.

"What is the meaning of this!" the king shouts "How dare you come to my daughters birthday party in such a state?"

The young prince begins to speak, but the king continues:
"And how dare you disgust my guests with this ghastly, greusome......thing! I ask for ping-pong balls and you bring me...THIS!

The prince steps back, looks surprised and shouts:
"Ping-pong balls??? I thought you said King Kongs Balls"

[scotzoidman]

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him... Take me... you young stud... take me now!
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fools!!"..... And that's when I shot the @#$%^&&.

[scotzoidman]

Now that the generation that sang, "Hope I die before I get old" is actually getting old, Roy Rivenburg, in his humor column "Off Kilter" wondered if it was time to change the lyrics of some classic rock songs. So he did.

The Beatles: "Lucy in the Sky with Dentures"

Steely Dan: "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Lynyrd Skynyrd: "Early Bird"

The Rolling Stones: "It's Only Rock 'n' Roll (But I Can't Hear It)"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' 'bout my medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

The Lovin' Spoonful: "Do You Believe in Matlock?"

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

[scotzoidman]

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[scotzoidman]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[scotzoidman]

So To Speak.......


A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding--A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

[Murphy]

ok 'zoid, you've opened the floodgates...

Why are priests so happy? For 6 days they eat meat, but on friday they have Nun.

It's better to coupulate than never.

Is Marvin Gay?

Why did the man getting a vasectomy buy a 3-piece suit?
so he would LOOK impotant.

Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.

Why don't sharks eat clowns? They taste funny.

Critics ARE unbiased - since they have no literary skills they hate all authors equally.

To err is human - to really foul things up takes a computer!

Math problems? Get a rabbit - you KNOW how fast they multiply.

I once knew a cross-dresser - what a panty waste

I don't like dentists - always down in the mouth.

Why are women firefighters so dissapointed in their men?
-After hauling a hose like that around, who caould satisfy her?

For 23 years he had heard "Not tonight, I have a headache"
This night he comes into the bedroom with 2 apirin and a glass of water. Seeing this the wife says, "What's that for, I don't have a headache." "Yippee!" the man exclaims and jumps into bed.
Nonplussed, the wife says coldly, "I've got my period."

[axe31]

whats the differance between a gay bar and a sports bar
1) one is aplace to get sweaty and exsiteted the
other is agay bar.
2)ther is more women in a gay bar.
3)at a sports bar you go to see your team score
at a gay bar you score:p

[Murphy]

Originally posted by axe31
whats the differance between a gay bar and a sports bar
1) one is aplace to get sweaty and exsiteted the
other is agay bar.
2)ther is more women in a gay bar.
3)at a sports bar you go to see your team score
at a gay bar you score:p

4) the women at gay bars look better
5) The Karoke people at gay bars don't need to get blotted first
6) sports bars smell like used beer, gay bars smell like perfume

[axe31]

6) "going down" in gay bar is not the same
thing as in a sports bar;)
7) the men are better looking at a gay bar

[Lilith]

just sick I guess.........


Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden
behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long
life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat,
and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel
and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't
get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a
woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's
manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual
meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make
sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home
where she found him sitting by the pool with another female
resident-who
was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep!
What does she have that I don't have?!"
Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's




I know that was just so wrong! LMAO!

[nutworld]

Is it wrong that I cracked up at that?

[Irish]

Lilith---I have always had;what others described;as a sick sense
of humor!Don't feel bad-I thought it was hysterical.I have come to
realise that what one thinks is funny;another does not!Beauty is
in the eye of the beholder! Irish

[sugarfreecandy]

Helpful Advice

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

[sugarfreecandy]

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Idiot # 5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot # 7 Arkansas:
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

[Murphy]

Originally posted by sugarfreecandy
Helpful Advice

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.



OOOOHHHHH!!!! gives me shivers just THINKING about it!

[scotzoidman]

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she notices an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks.

The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

[scotzoidman]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, a few on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!

[nikanik]

Originally posted by scotzoidman
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"


That sounds just like my great grandmother. Every time i see her she asks me when was the last time i had some and reminds me that women in our family have a high sex drive and that you should get it on the regular cause it keeps you young.

[Belial]

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

[GermanSteve]

Did you know that the Oval Office since the Lewinsky affair is called Oral Office?

[axe31]

yes but did she inhale

[Sugarsprinkles]

A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake
biscuits in the kitchen.

"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years
of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes
up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her privates.

"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man
will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.
So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.

While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged
wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened
the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and
squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.
Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing
barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any
meat at it!"

[scotzoidman]

'SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.'

'I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.'

Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador!

[scotzoidman]

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, the beautiful blond, Ivonne, had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Ivonne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, was carefully stepping over her.
Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time, boys... One at a time."

[scotzoidman]

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut smoking the ceremonial pipe and eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress and all his problems."
The chief nodded.
The official continued, "Considering recent events, in your opinion where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied:
"When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
The chief smiled and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[scotzoidman]

A four-year-old Bobby wanders up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out.
"What's the matter young fella?" asks a concerned shop assistant.
"I've lost my mummy!" wails Bob, sobbing convulsively.
"Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothes the shop assistant. "Now what's mummy like?"
"Vodka and men with big cocks," sobs little Bobby.

[Belial]

:D

[raraa]

Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly.
The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him.

Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation."

The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging asshole you are!"

[raraa]

Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

[raraa]

Little Johnny at School
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, when his teacher held up a bag, and asked the class to guess what was inside.
"Here's a hint," she said. "It's a fruit, and it's crunchy and red."

Johnny's hand shot up. "It's an apple!" he declared.

"Good job, Johnny. I like the way you think."

"Thank you, teacher. Now I have a question for you. There's something in my pocket that's hard and round, with a head on one end. What is it?"

"That's it, Johnny," yelled the teacher. "Go to the office."

"It's a quarter, teacher. But I like the way you think."

[raraa]

Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, "Where are you going, Lil' Red?"
Red said, "To grandma's."

Her mother said, "Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off."

Lil' Red replied, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."

So about a mile down the road, Lil' Red met the Three Little Pigs. They asked where she was going and she said, "Grandma's house."

The Pigs warned, "Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off!"

She told them, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."

About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out of the forest and grabbed Lil' Red. He shouted "Ha! I finally caught you!"

And she cried, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and freak my little red socks off."

"Yes I am," said the Wolf, drooling.

"No, you ain't," said Little Red.

"What do you mean," said the Wolf, taken aback.

Lil' Red pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pulled out her big silver gun and said, "Nope, you're gonna eat me like it says in the book."

[raraa]

One day there were four people absent from class. The next day one of the boys came back to school, and the teacher asked where were you. And then he replied on top of Beverly Hills. The teacher said okay. Then the next day, another boy came in and the teacher asked where were you? He replied on top of Beverly Hills. The teacher said okay. The next day the third boy came in and said where were you and he replied on top of Beverly Hills. And next the third person which was a girl came in and the teacher asked where were you. And before the girl could say anything the teacher said let me guess on top of Beverly Hills. And the girl said no I am Beverly Hills.

[Belial]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench gorging himself with candy bars. An elderly man sat next to him and chided Johnny for being such a glutton: "Son, eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, make you fat, and give you acne".
Little Johnny replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old".
The elderly man asked him "Did your grandfather continually eat candy bars?"
"No" Little Johnny replied, "He minded his own fucking business!"
:D

[me_carl]

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to
a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The
priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

[raraa]

Actual Instruction Labels...


ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

[Murphy]

on a box of tooth picks
"Grasp one end firmly, insert other end between teeth and twist.
repeat for remaining teeth"

Instructions like this make me wonder WHO the inmates are...

[GermanSteve]

sounds like mainly US instructions... :D


"mummy, mummy, do lemons have legs?"
"no."
"then I have squeezed out our canary bird"


"mummy, mummy, I´m sick!"
"why, it´s only the prewashing...?"


"mummy, mummy, how far is it until America?"
"shut up and continue swimming!"


"mummy, mummy, I don´t like Grandpa!"
"eat at last what you have on your plate!"


"mummy, mummy, I have found Grandma!"
"I told you not to dig below the roses!"

[raraa]

how does osama bin laden practice safe sex ?
easy, he marks the camels that kick.

[me_carl]

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself.

"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go
home and show her you're the boss."

The husband takes the doctor's advice.

He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist
in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on,
you're taking orders from me. I want my supper
right now, and when you get it on the table, go
upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight,
I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to
stay at home where you belong. And another thing,
guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a
shave, and tie my necktie?"

His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."

[me_carl]

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up
supplies for his farm.
He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a
bucket and an anvil.
Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to
carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in
one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616
Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to
defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't
hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[raraa]

a westerner went to book a flight to NY. he asked the woman "how much will that be" she said " one sec................that will be $320 including tax.
then the man asked "how long will the trip take" the woman said "one sec" the man said "wow that's great"

[scotzoidman]

This may have been posted before, but I think it bears repeating...

"My RESIGNATION"

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I
have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8
year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a 'Four Star
Restaurant'.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree, and run a lemonade standwith my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you
knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and
good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be
oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the
little things again!!!!

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of
computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word,
truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So . . . here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card
bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood!!

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch
me first, cause.......




......"Tag! You're it."

[scotzoidman]

(a lil insight into the culture of my home state)

You Know You're From Tennessee If......

1. You measure distance in hours.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
4. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
5. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
6. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,grain, or animal.
8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
9. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car.
10. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
11. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
12. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
13. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
14. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
15. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
16. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
17. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
18. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer,Summer, Still Summer,and Christmas.
19. You know whether another Tennessean is from west, middle, or east Tennessee as soon as they open their mouth.
20. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
21. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin"or off to "Wally World."
22. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
23. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor
24. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from Tennessee!

[scotzoidman]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for meself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks from each in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine", He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking....Hasn't affected me brothers though!"

[axe31]

seen on a wall "my mother made me a homosexual"
and writen below it"if i left the wool woul she make me
one:D

a man walks in to a bar and orders three double
vodkas and gulps them down.

the barman askes whats wrong

he replys that my older brother told me hes gay

24 hours later the same man walks in and orders
three double vodkas

the bar man askes now whats wrong

the man says my younger brother says hes gay to

the next day the man again walks in and orders three
double vodkas

the bar man say dam do any of your family sleep
with women

the man says yes my wife

i just loved these jokes when i found them :D

[scotzoidman]

Full Of It

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly
buzzing around a barn when she happened upon a
large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had
been hours since her last meal and she was
feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the
irresistible delicacy and began to pig out.
She ate and ate...and then...she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed
her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times,
then attempted to fly away.
But alas...she had eaten far too much and could not
get off the ground.
Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation,
she looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright
against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just
climb up that handle and jump off to become airborne
she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny
wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped
like a rock and splattered all over the floor.
Dead Fly.
What is the moral of this sad story?
"Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit."

[Nubian]

It seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."

[nutworld]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, "Oh,...Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,...but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

"Here" she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for squirrel."

[RandyGal]

A Very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who immediately comes over to her. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard,

"Are you the Manager?" she asks softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no ..." the bartender replies.

"Can you get him for me?" she asks, "I need to speak with him," she says running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is, I need you to give him a message" she continued huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to gently suck them.

"What should I tell him?" he manages to say while not missing a finger.

"Tell Him," She Whispers, "There is No Toilet Paper, Paper Towels, OR Hand Soap In The Ladies Room"...

[Sugarsprinkles]

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and
is just not appropriate.
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your
rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

[Sugarsprinkles]

THREE BEARS

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is
just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating
my
porridge?!?" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
Porridge?"
he roars.

Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For Heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this?"---
"It was Mama Bear, who got up first,"
"It was Mama Bear, who woke up everyone in the house."
"It was Mama Bear who made the coffee,"
"It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and
put everything away."
"It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper."'
"It was Mama Bear who set the table"
"It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and
filled the cat's water and food dish."
"And, now that you've decided to drag your behinds downstairs and
grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence... Listen good,
'cause
I'm only going to say this one more time ... ... ...

"I haven't made the #@$%^&*###@!!!! porridge yet!!"

[Oldfart]

Good one, Sprinkles

anyway,


A man whose wife had just given birth to their first child was visiting the hospital nursery to see his new son. As the proud father was admiring his handsome baby through the glass partition, he could not help but notice that the baby in the next bassinet seemed frail and sickly looking by comparison.
Just then a nurse went walking by and the man stopped her for a moment. "What's the matter with that little fellow?" he asked. "He seems awfully puny and underweight."
"He's one of those artificial insemination babies," explained the nurse, and he's been coming along rather slowly, I'm afraid."
"Well, that sort of confirms a theory of mine," said the man.
"What's that?" asked the nurse.
Replied the man with a smile., ... "Spare the rod and spoil the child,"

[Oldfart]

This is really tacky.

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But


She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
She uses industrial strength douche.
Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.
Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.
She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for
the Holland Tunnel.

[me_carl]

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its
sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and
the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry,
no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled
in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor
again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The
man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You
were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game
is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's
not rigged -- my wife won twice last week".

[Bardog]

A Woman married and had 13 children. Her husband
died. She soon married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time
had 5 more children. At last, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the
Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman
who fulfilled His commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're
finally together."
Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."

[Bardog]

****WARNING - The Following Is A Blonde Joke It It Posted In Humor And Not To Offend Any Of the Female Readers****

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectal
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
they don't sell rectal deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde
assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store
on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" "YES!", said the blonde,
"I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to
the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a
normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[xanne]

I hope this joke can cross borders but I sure found it funny!

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, cradling cellphone, balancing Tim Horton's coffee on knee, foot solidly on accelerator: CALGARY

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator, gun on lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON,....... but driving in TORONTO

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY

8. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mittscraper in hand out front window scrapng frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window:RED DEER

10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA

12. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER

[dicksbro]

Q: What is the difference between OOOOO and AAAAaa?
A: About 3 inches.. :whiteghos

[dicksbro]

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. :D

[Lilith]

>
> > A husband and wife were fine dining at their
> exclusive country club when this stunning young
> woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a
> kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
> >
> > His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"
> >
> > "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
> >
> > "Well that's the last straw," says the wife.
> "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to
> hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I
> can find and make your life miserable."
> >
> > "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but
> remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more
> wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more
> summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the
> garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to
> sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller
> homes, but the decision is yours."
> >
> > Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant
> with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> >
> > "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
> >
> > "That's his mistress," says her husband.
> >
> > "Ours is prettier," she replies.
~:D:D:D:D:D:D:D~

[dicksbro]

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $4 a minute. :D

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a dove is the bird of peace, is a swallow the bird of love?

[scotzoidman]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while wewere making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best timeto do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[scotzoidman]

Stage 1
- SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.




Stage 2
- GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.



Stage 3
- RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.



Stage 4
- BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone
especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!



Stage 5
- INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

[scotzoidman]

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It's triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.



2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad: She wants a divorce.

Ugly: She's a lawyer.



3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.

Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly: So are you.



4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly: You're in them.



5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.



6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.

Bad: He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than you.



7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your

daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.



8. Good: The postman's early.

Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.



9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.

Bad: It's another man.

Ugly: He's your best friend.



10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.

Bad: As a hooker.

Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.

Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

[scotzoidman]

Ok, very very very tacky, but I can't help myself...

Top 15 Euphemisms for Women "Getting their Period"

15. Miss Scarlet's Come Home to Tara

14. Trolling for Vampires

13. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy

12. Saddlin' Ole' Rusty

11. Feelin' Mestru-riffic

10. Clean-up in Aisle One

9. Massacre at the Y

8. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding

7. Game Day for the Crimson Tide

6. "Pantie Shields Up, Captain"

5. Taking Carrie to the Prom

4. Playing the Banjo in St. Zygote's Ragtime Band

3. Ordering le'Omelette Rouge

2. Arts and Crafts Week at Pantie Camp

1. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

[nikanik]

Funny but very tacky but usually the best jokes are

[dicksbro]

Satan

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you’re still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years".

:D :D :D

[dicksbro]

This is really true but worth putting it here anyway :)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now you know:

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet 8-1/2 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did they use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8-1/2 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses!

Now the "rest of the story"

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through the tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

[lixnlix69]

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing only a pair of underwear made of Saran™ Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts"!




TY, TY.........Don't applaud...just throw money!......LOL..............Mrs. Lix

[axe31]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
i love this joke
tho i would want to take kevin home and get into the habit;)

[Sugarsprinkles]

A crusty old Marine Corps colonel found himself at a gala event that
was hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time or is something bothering you?"
"Negative," the colonel said, "just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said.
"You know, you should lighten up a little -- relax and enjoy yourself."
The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex ?"
The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well there you go -- you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously -- I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?
"The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Don't know. It's only 2130..."

[Sugarsprinkles]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her

reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell

me now.

Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."


The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy,

and I admire that. But you've sinned and you must atone. You cannot
attend

church for three months. Be off with you now."


Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"


"Three month's vacation and five good leads!" says Tommy.

[scorpi42]

sorry ive got to post this one which a friend sent me

The lost Dr Seuss Poem

I Love My Job!

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love the office and it's location
I hate to have to go on vacation
I love the furniture, drab and grey,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell,
There is nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software.
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each programme and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the firm, I am.
I love this work,
I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to

[scorpi42]

and another one hope you enjoy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
> the one in charge.
> "I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's
> systems, so without me nothing would happen".
>
> I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
> over, so without me you'd all waste away."
>
> "I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I process food and
> give all of you energy."
>
> "I should be in charge," said the legs, " because I carry the body
> wherever it needs to go."
>
> "I should be in charge," said the eyes, " because I allow the body to see
> where it goes."
>
> "I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for
> waste removal."
>
> All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
> huff, he shut down tight.
>
> Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
> bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.
> They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
>
> The Moral of the story? Assholes are usually in charge ..

[scotzoidman]

good one scorpi... also a good moral to the story is:
You don't have to be a brain to be the boss...
Just an asshole....

[Oldfart]

MARRIAGE

I don't think it's that bad, do you? You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." W.W.Renwick
-
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
-
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
-
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
-
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
-
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
-
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
-
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
-
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
-
Young Son: Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
-
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late."
-
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire. " "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."
-
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second Marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
-
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

[scotzoidman]

It's that time again . . . . . They are finally out. You know about The Darwin Awards: the annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And this years nominees are:

Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER IS.....
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened.

It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet AssistedTake Off - actually a solid fuel rocket that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields). He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes and
completely melted them - blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the face of the cliff at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.

[nikanik]

Oh my! That almost makes me not want to post my little joke here. But here goes. I hope i dont offend anyone by this.


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do

[scotzoidman]

Wabbit Hunting

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit.

[Lovediva]

Three old men were sitting around complaining about
how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when
I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake
so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced
all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing.
My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday,
I came three times." :D:D:D

[winter]

a man walk into a shrinks office wearing only saran wrap around his waist. the shrink took one look at him and said. "I can surely see your nuts"

[scotzoidman]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

[Oldfart]

Husband shopping center

A “Husband Shopping Center” was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and say: “Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?”
So up they go.
Second floor says: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking”. “Hmmm”, say the girls, “But, I wonder what’s further up?”.
Third floor: “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” “Wow!” say the women. “Very tempting, BUT, there’s more further up!” And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!”
So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: “This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!”

[scotzoidman]

You live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in upstate New York when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in the Midwest when... .
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[farmerjohn]

three hookers a grandmother hooker a mother hooker and a daughter hooker were discussing prices.The daughter hooker complained that in these times she could barely get 40 dollars for giving a blow job.The mother hooker told her she was lucky in her day she was lucky to get 20 dollars.The grandmother piped up You think you have it bad.In my day we were happy to have something warm in our bellies>

[Irish]

Scotz---The scary thing is that everything in your joke;is true!
Irish

[dicksbro]

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply..."Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics." :D :D

[Midnight Kiss]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ARKANSAS IF:
submitted by Skeeter & Bubba thanx

"Vacation" means goin' through Harrison on the way to Branson.
*
You've seen all the biggest bands...ten years after their last hit.
*
You measure distance in minutes.
*
Down South, to you, means Louisiana.
*
You have no problem spelling or pronouncin' "Ouachita" or "Possum
Grape." (OUACHITA IS PRONOUNCED' WASH-A TAW'..FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY NOT BE FAMILIAR
*
You know what "Toad Suck" and "Booger Holler" are. (towns)
*
Your school classes were cancelled because of cold, heat, a tornado.
*
You've rode the school bus for an hour...each way. ...........(BOY, HAVE I BEEN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)..ONE+
*
You've ever had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
*
You think ethanol makes your truck run a lot better.
*
Stores don't have bags or carts...they have sacks and buggys.
*
You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
*
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it,
no matter what time of the year.
*
You end your sentences with a preposition, for example,"Where's my coat
at?".... "What's that made out of?"
*
All the festivals around the state are named after a food, bricks, or
lumber.
*
Priming was your first job...and you know what it means.
*
You say catty-wampus and tumped over.
*
You know the difference between a deer dog, a duck dog and a coon dog by
the way they bark.
*
You put security lights on your house and your garage and leave both of
them unlocked.
*
Pulaski County is considered a foreign or exotic place.
*
You consider being a "Beef Queen" an honour.
*
You carry jumper cables in your car.
*
You faithfully drink Pepsi, Mt. Dew, or Dr. Pepper everyday of your
life.
*
You know what a"cow drop" is.
*
You have your own secret bbq sauce.
*
You or your neighbours have more dogs than you have family
members.

[Clint]

When the minister agreed to marry the young couple in his church, he stipulated that tehy remain abstinent during their engagement. One week before the wedding, he met with them and asked, "Have you remained chaste, as I counseled you?"
"I'm afraid not Reverend."
"Oh dear, what happened?"
"Well, last week my fiancee was reaching for a box of light bulbs on a high shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and--suffice it to say--we lost all control right there."
"Well, I'm sorry, my son, but I can't marry you in this church."
"Yeah, that's what we figured,"
the young man sighed. We're not welcome at the Home Depot anymore, either."

:D

[Lilith]

Investment Advice~(almost not funny:D:D:p)

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one
year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the
beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer,
then turned in the cans for the 10 cent
deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is
to drink heavily and recycle.

[Irish]

Lilith---Can I use that as an excuse to start drinking again? Irish
P.S.My wife will now hate you;even tho she knows nothing about
you!

[Oldfart]

Irish,

Trust Lilith to keep leading us astray.

You keep it up, girl!!

[Mytaru]

I wonder, what if you had invested in condoms instead of beer? would ya make more money from recycling those?

[heatluvintxn]

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Smooth Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

Place your bets.

And they're off...!

Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Smooth Thighs and Big
Johnson
in a very tight spot.

At the halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top.

Smooth Thighs open up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Smooth Thighs are working hard on Bare
Belly

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming.

At the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's got
and
Passionate Lady taking everything Big Johnson has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through
and
wins by a head.

Heavy Bosom weakens and Smooth Thighs pulls-up the rear.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.

[Clint]

An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping floors in a
pizzeria, and after 15 years works his way up to owning a small chain of
pizzerias.

He decides to have his own house designed and built for him. And it is
going to have everything!

One day he is talking to the contractor and says, "Makea you sure you puta
plenty da halo statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo statues.
One inna every room, even da bathroom."

The contractor, realizing his client must be a very religious person,
carefully plans a niche in every room, and personally searches for the
perfect statue for each niche.

Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his new home
for the first time. The contractor points out all the features, and finally
the Italian man says, "But wherea are alluh my halo statues? I wanna lotsa
halo statues!"

And the contractor points to the niches and says, "I put a statue in every
room, like you asked."

The Italian replies, "No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea da Saintas. I
wanna da Halo Statues! You knowa da Halo Statues es? Deya ring anda you
picka dem up, anna you say, halo 'stat you?"

[scotzoidman]

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills!

[dzbuster]

one year a bird decided not to fly south for the winter. it got real cold and he froze half to death. a cow comes by and dumps on him. the heat revives the bird and happy to be alive starts singing. a cat hearing the singing removes the bird from the pile and eats it.
three morals to this story, not everyone who shits on you is your enemy, not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend, and if you're in shit and happy keep your mouth shut.

[Oldfart]

Recently sent to me,

Subject: FW: Join the cause - similar to the turning your head lights on....

Mindful that the anniversary of the WTC terrorist attack is approaching, all
Australians are asked to assist in identifying any terrorists amongst us.
Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity and consider it a sin to see a naked
woman that is not a wife, this Saturday afternoon at 2:00 pm Eastern
Standard Time, all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house
completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to
prove they think it's okay to see other women in the nude.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, an Esky containing a
cold slab is to be at your side as further proof of your anti-Taliban
sentiment.

Australia appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your
participation.
God Bless Australia! Come on all Aussie men, get out there and support the
girls as they weed out the terrorists hiding in YOUR neighbourhood!!

Yours truly.

John Howard Prime Minister.

[dicksbro]

Some cute limericks:

Limericks

There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair,
Or that's what I thought
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air!

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think -
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd 'just take a chance'.
She let herself go
For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts!

Said the trader, "I'm not pleased one bit,
In our dealings, that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe -
I just won't accept that sheep chit!"

[axe31]

The guy who invented the vibrator had a vision, and in that vision he heard voices:

"If you build it they will come." :D

Field of Dreams?

A farmer's crop was ruined for the year and he was having no luck at all. Then he heard a voice, "If you build it they will come."

He thought nothing of it at first but then he heard it again, "If you build it they will come." So the farmer thought and thought, prayed and prayed, until finally, he knew what to do.

A few months later he completed construction of his new strip club!

;)

[axe31]

Brucie came home from work only to see his lover Sydney in a worried state.
"What's wrong, Syd?" Brucie asked.
"I think I've got something stuck in my ass. Can you take a real close look?"
Bruce told Sydney to bend over and gazed into his lover's asshole.
"I don't see anything up there, Syd."
"But there is! I know there is!" Sydney insisted.
"Stick your finger up there and maybe you can feel something."
Brucie complied but came up with air.
"I don't feel anything, Syd."
"I know something's up there. Stick another finger in!"
Brucie did as he was told.
"I still don't feel anything, Syd."
"Then try putting your hand up there!" Syd cried.
Brucie shoved his hand up to his in Sydney's asshole. When he pulled it out, there was a thousand-dollar watch on his wrist.
"What the hell-" Bruce said. "Whats this about?"
Sydney sings, "Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." :D :D

[Irish]

Dicksbro---You mean thers a limerick;that doesn't start with---
"There was a young lady;from Nantucket"? Irish

[dicksbro]

Surprised, aren't you, Irish? :)

Just remember that old saying, "I don't care if it's funny ... as long as it's dirty!" :D :D

[Irish]

Dicksbro---It's funny;but;I have heard that so many times;thru my
life;that it just pops ;into my head;when someone mentions;the
word;Limerick.When;I first;heard that;I was just a young impressionable teenager;that anything;gave a hard-on to.I haven't changed with age.Now;I am;an older person;who gets
horny over anything. Irish

[Sugarsprinkles]

This letter is being sent to you because we know you are critically
interested in your front lawn, and this summer season will soon be upon
us.
This is a fertilizer club and will not cost you a cent to join.
Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of this list
and shit on their front lawn. You won't be the only one there, so
don't
be embarrassed. Then make five copies of this letter and send it to
five
of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will not get any money
or
checks, but within one week if this chain is not broken, there will be
9,216
people shitting on your front lawn Your reward will come next summer
when you
will have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood.
Mrs. Lucy Bowel 19 Bedpan Cover Wemouth, Mass.
Mrs. Paula Crapp 222 Enema Drive Quincy, Mass
Mrs. Charles Syringe 109 Suppository Drive Fink, Texas
Mrs. Smelly B. Hind 416 Diarrhea Way Kansas City, Missouri
Mrs.O Howie Farts 896 Rectum Road Washington, DC
Mrs. A. Bigger Movement 276 Fertilizer Way Melton, Mass.
If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbors.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man didn't give a shit and lost his
entire lawn.

[Sugarsprinkles]

Introducing White Trash Barbie!

She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up,
think-they're-better'n-you Barbies!
Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with
her special trailer-park friend.


Every White Trash Barbie comes complete with:

* Two packs of Newport 100's for Barbie's smoking pleasure!
* A six-pack of cheap beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie
during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.
* Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter-top and sandals.
Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Alabama.
* Miracle-o'-procreation button! Press button on Barbie's back and
she's pregnant -- again!
* Action bitch pull string! Barbie can say 11 phrases including:
"I tol' jew gd#@! kids to git the hell outa my yard!", "Git me anuther beer,baybee.", "Whur's my f-#!*-n cigarettes?", and more!!
Also Available:
* Barbie Double-wide Dream Trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus also included.
*Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Playset (sold
separately)
* Barbie dream car. 1986 Chevy Chevette in mix-n'- match colors
and smokin' chokin' exhaust. Coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two White Trash Barbies.
* Abusive boyfriend Ken with Asskickn' leg action and Pimp Slap
backhand. With cowboy boots and Mad Dog 20/20 bottle. Curses, mumbles when string is pulled.
* Married-Life Ken with Beer-bustin' Expanding Waist. Molded to
recliner. With TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up woman." and "Git me a beer."
(NOTE: Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)

[dicksbro]

A friend of mine just sent me this one today ...

Okay you Texan guys, stand proud :)

----

Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the
other from Texas, are sitting around a campfire, out on the lone-some prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins.

The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the
corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by
the horns, with my bare hands."

The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15-foot-long rattler slid
out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that
snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the
poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.

[scotzoidman]

Originally posted by Sugarsprinkles
Introducing White Trash Barbie!

Also Available:
* Barbie Double-wide Dream Trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. This set is not complete unless it includes a big honkin' satelite dish out side lol

[Sugarsprinkles]

Originally posted by scotzoidman
This set is not complete unless it includes a big honkin' satelite dish out side lol

Works for me, Scotz.....LOL

[Irish]

Scotz---Also;multiple vehicles;on blocks;not wheels;in the overgrown yard!Also;multiple dogs;that live;under the trailer!
Irish

[Oldfart]

Shouldn't there be a Shrimp on the Barbie?

[axe31]

Originally posted by Oldfart
Shouldn't there be a Shrimp on the Barbie?

hey thats no way to talk about ken:D

[Humpty]

Q: Whats brown and sticky?

A: A stick


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Jed the game keeper is out early one morning shooting rabbits, to make them easier to carry he guts thenm in the field and threads them on a pole slung over his shoulder, the guts he puts into a bucket for disposal later.
He looks over the hedgerow and see's Father O'Malley hurrying up the lane towards the vicarage, jed heads over to greet the Father but just as he gets to the hedgerow the Father ducks down into the hedge and drops his pants - Jed is a bit taken aback by this, its not everyday you see a clergyman taking a dump in a hedge, but has a chuckle and creeps over to where the Fathers bare backside is and scoops a few handfuls of rabbit guts out of his bucket and droped it onto what the father had excreted. He snuck away softly chuckling to himself.

A few days later Jed bumps into the Father and asks if everything is OK as he had looked pale these last few days?
"well Jed" replied the father "A few days ago I was taken short and, well, when you gotta go, you gotta go - so I dropped my pants and went in the hedge. I stood up and as I was pulling up my pants I noticed I had accidently passed my own intestines."
Jed could barely contain himself
"But with few shots of medicinal whisky, my middle finger and gods grace I think I managed to get most of them back up there"

[Midnight Kiss]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME PLAYING ON THE COMPUTER WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.


HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY; FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I
HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. ~~~~ I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.~~~~ HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
All I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? ~~~
I DON'T THINK SO!!!!!!

[Lilith]

This is old fashioned but cute.....................A travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he
called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on
the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him
apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that
should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate
machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening,
at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen
seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever
received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that
read, "Manicures--25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled
them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine
Provides What Men Need Most When Away From Their Wives." (Cost--
50 cents) The salesman was embarassed and looked both ways.
Seeing nobody around he put his fifty cents in the machine, then
unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening--with
great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two
weeks.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of
agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling
hands, the salesman was able to with draw his penis, which now had
a button sewed on the tip.

[GermanSteve]

Tina Turner is going to the doctor: "Doctor, I have a problem. But I cannot talk about it, I need ABSOLUTE discretion." The doctor says it is ok and he will not talk about it. "Doctor, my pussy lips are too big. I want them reduced." The doctor says he can do it, oganizes a place in the hospital for her and promises discretion.
...
The day of the operation Tina wakes up in her room. It is full of flowers. Very angry she rings for the doctor. "Doctor, what happened, didn´t I ask you for discretion???"
"Yes, yes, but this case is really an exception. Have a look at the greeting card!"
She takes the card and reads: >>Many thanks for the ears. Nicki Lauda<<

:D

[Oldfart]

Just had this sent to me.

It's too true.

Contemporary Wisdom
*
Every teenager should get a high school education.
Even if they already know everything.
*
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
*
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
*
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.
*
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days
No one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
*
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
*
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
*
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
*
I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
*
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
*
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
*
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
*
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment,
and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
*
You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but
they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-12 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and
those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration.

[Lilith]

>After living in the remote wilderness of
> Kentucky all his life, an
> old
> > > > >codger decided it was time to visit the big
> city. In one of the
> stores
> > > he
> > > > >picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not
> knowing what it was, he
> > > remarked,
> > > > >"How about that! Here's a picture of my
> daddy." He bought the
> > > 'picture',
> > > > >but on the way home he remembered his wife,
> Lizzy, didn't like his
> > > father.
> > > > >So he hung it in the barn, and every morning
> before leaving for the
> > > > >fields, he would go there and look at it.
> > > > >
> > > > >Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many
> trips to the barn. One
> day
> > > > >after her husband left, she searched the barn
> and found the mirror.
> As
> > > she
> > > > >looked into the glass, she fumed,"So that's
> the ugly bitch he's
> runnin'
> > > > >around with."

[scotzoidman]

Dogs' Letters to God

Dear God:
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God:
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God:
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God:
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God:
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God:
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God:
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God:
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God:
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God:
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God:
Can you undo what that doctor did ... ?

CAT'S LETTER TO GOD

Dear God:
Do you exist? I'm just curious .... I don't really care.

[Oldfart]

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in
desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then,
suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he hurt
the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said I believe
I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely
remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do
everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour".
Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask
the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, but the
bird continued..."May I ask what the chicken did?"

[Oldfart]

Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their great hits
with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:
* Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
* The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
* Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
* Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
* The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
* The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
* Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
* The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
* Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
* Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
* The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
* ABBA: "Denture Queen"
* Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
* Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
* Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

[me_carl]

A guy walks into a Cadillac dealership and strolls around the showroom, looking at the cars on hand. One of the salesmen spots him and walks up to him to see if he can help.

"Are you thinking about buying a Cadillac today?" the salesman asks.

The guy answers "No, I'm GOING to buy a Cadillac. I'm THINKING about women!."

[me_carl]

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. While
shopping they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani
accent say Come in! Come into my humble shop." Once
inside The shopkeeper said, "I have some special
sandals I think you would be interested in."
"Dey make you wild at sex.
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
sandals after hearing what the man claimed, but her
husband felt he really didn't need them.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make
you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib."
After much badgering from his wife, he agreed to try
them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got
this wild look in his eyes; something his wife
hadn't seen in many years... raw sexual power.
With a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked
down his pants.

The Pakistani began screaming: "YOU HAVE DEM ON THE
WRONG FEET !!! "YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG
FEET!!!"

[Lilith]

ROTFLMFAO~ in fact PMPL!!!!!!! :D:D:p

[Sugarsprinkles]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday
morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are
going to help me preach". Whatever single word I say, I want you to
sing
whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started
singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross".


The pastor hollered out "Grace".
The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "Power".
The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".

The Pastor said "Sex."
The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say
anything.
Then all of a sudden from way in the back of the church a little 87
year old grandmother stood up and began to sing ..... "Precious
Memories."

[airhog]

Q: What kind of meat does a priest eat?






























A: Nun

[skipthisone]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out "Pa! You need to
go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with
the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There
ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"


Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin
my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to
see what to fix."


So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now
take your head out of the hole!"


Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"


To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

[skipthisone]

PAY ATTENTION!!

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.


The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you
not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the
Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the
corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same
thing, "he told his students.



The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[Lilith]

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting On An Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells

[scotzoidman]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian: "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says: "Your wish is granted." And, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.

He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

"Christian replied: "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the
enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back: "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed",



wait for the punch line:




keep going




"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

[Lilith]

OMG ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:D Scotz that was horrid.........go to my dungeon:p

[Oldfart]

An even worse tale.

Two European backpackers, a girl from Paris and a boy from Prague were swimming in a waterhole inhabited by a large mated pair of crocodiles. Both went missing.

Rangers came out and shot the crocs.

They opened up the female and found the french girl.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "Just as we suspected,

















The Czech's in the male."

[Lilith]

*groan*:D......there is space for you in the dungeon too Oldfart........ you both need to be





pun ished:p

[mtavistar]

Used this one in a speech to illustrate how slang words can cause confusion--

There was a penguin called Pubert driving around Arizona. His car started to make a strange sound, so he brought it to the first mechanic he ran across.....Fred. Fred told Pubert to come back in an hour and he would know what was wrong. Being as it was hot, and penguins don't like the heat, Pubert went to an ice cream shop and ate a great deal of vanilla ice cream. With his little flippers, he splashed ice cream everywhere. When the hour was up, he went back to the mechanics. Fred met him outside and said, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." Pubert, embarrassed replied, "Oh, no, it's just vanilla ice cream, I swear!"

[Lilith]

Great scientific logic on the nature of Hell.....
>
> >The following is an actual question given on a
> University of Washington
> >engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound"
> that the Professor
> >shared it with colleagues, and the sharing
> obviously hasn't ceased...
> >Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
> or Endothermic
> >(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote Proofs
> of their beliefs using
> >Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and
> heats when it is
> >compressed) or some variant. One student, however,
> wrote the following:
> >"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
> changing in time. So we
> >need to know the rate that souls are moving into
> Hell and the rate they
> >are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
> once a soul gets to
> >Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
> leaving. As for how many
> >souls are entering Hell, let us look at the
> different religions that exist
>
> >in the world today. Some of these religions state
> that if you are not a
> >member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
> Since there! are more than
> >one of these religions and since people do not
> belong to more than one
> >religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
> With birth and death
> >rates as they are, we can expect the number of
> souls in Hell to increase
> >exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
> of the volume in Hell
> >because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
> temperature and pressure
> >in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
> expand as souls are
> >added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is
> expanding at a slower
> >rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then
> the temperature and
> >pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
> breaks loose. 2. Of course,
> >if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
> increase of souls in Hell,
> >then the temperature and pressure will drop until
> Hell freezes over. So
> >which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me
> by Teresa Banyan
> >during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold
> day in Hell before I
> >sleep with you", and take into account the fact
> that I still have not
> >succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
> then, #2 cannot be true,
> >and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will
> not freeze."
>
>
> >This student received the only A.

[scotzoidman]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably, Innovative, Preliminary, Proliferation, Cinnamon.

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity, British Constitution, Passive-aggressive disorder,
Loquacious,
Transubstantiate.

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!

[scotzoidman]

Musician Jokes

What is the difference between a high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
It's scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.

Definition of an optimist: a trombone player with a pager

What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded
shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
Put a chart in front of him.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What's a bassoon good for?
Kindling for an accordion fire.

What's an accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.

What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain

Bumper Stickers:
1.Play an accordian--go to jail!
2.Three rows and you're out!

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

>>A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as
Uzbekistan). It's something like a hammered dulcimer with a
damper pedal.<<

How long does it take to tune a chang?
Nobody knows.

Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
So that violist can feel superior about something.

Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.

What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.

What happens if you play country music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.

How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
1."One, two, three, one, two, three..."
2."Hey man, I just do sound."
3.One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
Start with two million.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
1.None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
2."Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
Put it in the oven until its (it's) Bill Withers.

Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?" "It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a Lawrence Welk?" Micheal asks. Milton says "It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says,
"I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"

I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7. He said, "No, no. A jazz chord." I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either. "No, no, no! A
jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you
that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
Not enough concrete.

Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?
There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do.

What is the ideal weight for a conductor?
About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.

What's the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He's not a conductor.

[whitehorse]

A guy goes to the doctor. He says "hey doc I have a problem, my dick turned orange." The doc thinks for a minute then asks "have you had any notable changes in your daily routine?" The man responds "well since i've retired all I do is sit around watching porn and eating cheetos."

[whitehorse]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by dicksbro
[B]Some cute limericks:

Here's another:

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose dick was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin as he wiped off his chin
if my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it

[whitehorse]

Another joke, made me laugh.

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a docter, one was a lawyer, the other was a biker. After a sip of his martini, the docter said; " You know tommorow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the ring at least she'll like the Mercedes, and know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she'd at least like the trip and she'd know that I loved her."
The biker then took a swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary I bought my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured that if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

[whitehorse]

A couple had been married for 20 years. Whenever they made love the husband insisted on turning off all the lights. The wife thought this was a little ridiculous, so she decided to break him of this habit. One night they were in the middle of wild, screaming sex, she turned the lights on. When she looked down she was quite surprised, and not too happy to find that her husband was impotent. He was using a dildo on her. "You impotent bastard", she screamed, "You have some explaining to do". Her husband looks her calmly in the eye, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids".

[Aqua]

A man has suffered from migraines for like 20 years.
He finally goes to the Doc and the Doc says... "Well, I know what causing your headaches... it's your testicles... they are pushing against your spine and that causes the headache The only treatment is castration." So the man reluctlantly aggrees and has it done. He is very depressed and finds himself meandering about town and he finds himself outside a Men's clothing store and figures a new suit may help him feel better. The owner, an eldery man, comes to help him and he says he'd like a new suit. The man looks him up and down and says, "44 long." The newly castrated man says, "Incredible! That is right... how'd you know?" The old man says, "60 years in the business is how I know." So he tries the suit on and it fits perfect and he is feeling better, so he decides he needs a new shirt. Again the old man looks at him hard and pegs his shirt size dead on. The man is just amazed. The old man says again, "60 years in the business, you just learn to know these things." The guy decides shoes would be great too. "9 1/2," the old man replies... another perfect match. Finally the guy says he better get some new underwear. The old man looks at him again and says... "size 36." The guy exclaims, "HA! Got you that time old timer, I've worn 34's for some 20 years now." To this the old man says, "You can't wear 34's!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They'll push your testicles up into the base of your spine and give you a hell of a headache...

[osuche]

A CHris Rock fav...

It's a strange world when....


The best pro golfer is BLACK



The tallest guy in the NBA is CHINESE



The most famous rapper is WHITE



The French accuse the Americans of being ARROGANT



The Germans don't want to go to WAR



...And the three most powerful men in the world are named



Bush



Dick



and Colon