Oldfart
10-23-2010, 10:11 PM
These are the real deal.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
This week's revelations will be especially mortifying for you, seeing as how you've been insisting for years that life is not some sort of big pie-eating contest.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit it's all been the cat's fault.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll suddenly be torn away from your friends and cast out of the only home you've ever known by the authorities, who will insist your sentence is over and you're free to go.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Just as you've always suspected, it is in fact a felony to use your particular method of "getting girls."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Next week will be a time of magical romance and unending joy for you, thanks to your boundless talent for self-delusion.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're going to need a lot of Epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn't like the time with the horse laxatives.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Someday you may learn that it is indeed possible to take a fun thing too far, but not before next week's experimentation with autoerotic asphyxiation.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your combined proclivities toward paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life's lowest echelons from behind the scenes.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
In a wacky horoscopic mix-up, you'll encounter a mysterious stranger who takes you on a journey over water just as you're trying to start new projects at work.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Keep extra apples and ban-dages around the house next week, as your lover seems to be going through a William Tell phase.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
There will be nothing you can do to avert the disaster of next week, although there will be plenty that a reasonably bright and competent person could do.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your last hope of finding true and unconditional love ends this week when your ideal mate is executed by the State of Texas for unspeakable crimes against humanity.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
This week's revelations will be especially mortifying for you, seeing as how you've been insisting for years that life is not some sort of big pie-eating contest.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
When the moment of truth you've been praying for all these years finally arrives, you'll reject it out of hand rather than admit it's all been the cat's fault.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll suddenly be torn away from your friends and cast out of the only home you've ever known by the authorities, who will insist your sentence is over and you're free to go.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Just as you've always suspected, it is in fact a felony to use your particular method of "getting girls."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Next week will be a time of magical romance and unending joy for you, thanks to your boundless talent for self-delusion.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're going to need a lot of Epsom salts and lip balm this week. No, honestly, you can trust us. This isn't like the time with the horse laxatives.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Someday you may learn that it is indeed possible to take a fun thing too far, but not before next week's experimentation with autoerotic asphyxiation.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your combined proclivities toward paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life's lowest echelons from behind the scenes.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
In a wacky horoscopic mix-up, you'll encounter a mysterious stranger who takes you on a journey over water just as you're trying to start new projects at work.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Keep extra apples and ban-dages around the house next week, as your lover seems to be going through a William Tell phase.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
There will be nothing you can do to avert the disaster of next week, although there will be plenty that a reasonably bright and competent person could do.