Am I doing anything wrong??

[Caliban]

Hi everyone. I've been off an on here for years and usually just read posts and look at photos, but I've gotten into a situation lately and am trying to get some different opinions because I'm really torn.

I am married. Have been for about ten years. It's not always been the best marriage, but I just figured no marriage is perfect so we work through problems and I try to accept what I can't change. I mean, I'm not perfect so why should my wife have to be? We also have a wonderful 8 year old son whom we both adore.

Anyway, very unexpectedly, I am contacted via facebook by my first love from over 20 years ago. It was kind of a fluke. I had reconnected with some old friends and you know how facebook works with suggestions of "you might know such and such" yadda yadda yadda. She said that my name just appeared in front of her one day and without hesitating she sent me a hello message. I was stunned. I never expected to see or hear from this woman the rest of my life. Not that I avoided it, I just didn't expect it. We had a beautiful, if short lived romance. She was my first time and honestly she was my first real love.

Well, she is married too and has two kids by a previous marriage. She and her husband have kind of the same not perfect, but dedicated marriage that I and my wife do. I am putting ht cart before the horse, so let me back up. After about a week of talking online and a few phone calls, I have fallen head over heels in love with her. I love my wife. I always have. But my wife has never made me feel the way that my first love does. My heart skips when I talk to her. I feel like a kid again. She is the most beautiful human being I've ever known and I am crazy about her. These are not feelings I cultivated, nor sought out. My love was spontaneous and like lightning from the sky.

I haven't even seen this woman in person and I am madly in love with her. I know she feels the same about me too. She told me. She didn't expect this either. The real problem of course is we are both dedicated to our marriages and don't want to hurt our spouses, whom we still both love. There are our children to consider as well. We know we can't be together in any real sense right now. We both would like to become physical, but we know that would be wrong and we have drawn that line in the sand. However, we have both said that twenty years ago we lost each other and we aren't going to let it happen again. We don't want to ever lose one another again.

I don't know how long we can go on like this, but for now we are kind of stuck. The universe in its grand wisdom has put us back together, and I think that somehow this is going to work out for us, but is what we are doing right now wrong even though we haven't laid a finger on one another? The temptation would be great for us to become intimate, but we are both strong people and wouldn't let that happen without a great deal of thought.

Are we doing something wrong for loving each other even though we are married to other people?

This girl, excuse woman, I am convinced is my soul mate. She makes me so amazingly happy. How can I control those feelings? Would it be wrong to ignore the most wonderful thing I've ever felt? I'm a really torn up.

Any thoughts anyone has would sure help me get some perspective.

Thanks.

[Lilith]

The temptation would be great for us to become intimate, but we are both strong people and wouldn't let that happen without a great deal of thought.

Are we doing something wrong for loving each other even though we are married to other people?


You already are intimate you just haven't had sex, this time around.

I can't judge. I love other people including my husband. All decisions I make are based on preserving his and my relationship.

[PantyFanatic]

…. The universe in its grand wisdom has put us back together, and I think that somehow this is going to work out ….

... I am convinced is my soul mate. She makes me so amazingly happy. How can I control those feelings? Would it be wrong to ignore the most wonderful thing I've ever felt? I'm a really torn up…...


Glad to see you make your semi-annual post, Caliban. :rofl:

As Lilith said, no one can judge but I can share some thoughts with you.

First, I do believe your hearts skip when you think of each other. That is the way you both WERE when neither of you had any of life's serious experiences and as the first love should be for everyone. That 'magic' :loveshowe should always be remembered and cherished, especially when you can recall it with the one you shared it with. …………….But you can never go back!:cool:

It wasn't the universe that reconnected you. It was Face Book. You know the 'six degrees of separation' thing and all that. The only magic here is what you were able to share in that passage of life. Humans are not adapt at 'controlling feelings' (instincts), which would be great if we didn't have reality on the other edge of that sword. But that what seems to make us a separate specie.:shrug:

I don't make these comments off-handedly. I too reconnected with my very first love through Farce Blog, ...only 50 years later.:faint: We have been chatting regularly for almost a year now. We've met a few times and talk on the phone every now and then. She is still married and we talk about our kids and grandkids and the MANY paths we did not share through this life. It still gets around to "do you think we could have made it?". We are at a point where changes in our lives are not likely but we both know we can't go back. :(

You flip your own coin of instinct/logic :2cents: ………….and come back sooner than normal and let us know how it turns out. ;)

[Lord Snow]

Caliban, I wish I was a wiser man. PF, is right, you can't go back. However, I would search your heart and make damn sure that you both are in love with the people you are now and not the people you were. After that your decisions are your own and I have no advice.

[Rhiannon]

Caliban.
Look at your wifes view. She would say yes you were.

But we all have relationships outside of married if they be friendships, aquaintences etc.

Your first love will always be your first love and with that we all see with blinders on. First let me say this. Look at the reasons you separated and all.
The universe is strange but for some reason it also connected you to your wife,Who you say you still love.

Hon just really think about what you are doing . if you are going to leave. Do it as painlessly as you can.

Rhiannon

[Pussy Willow]

No one can make this decision but you, sweetie....Search your heart and if you find you still truly love your wife and the life you have, then cherish that and let go of the past......

both you and your first love are different peple now......

Just be sure you're not viewing her through the eyes of the past and please think about what you would be losing if pursue this relationship....is it worth the cos

You have some serious decisions to make......please think very carefully about you have to lose when making them.....

[jseal]

Caliban,

When your wife discovers your reconnection with your first love, and especially if you have by then a physical relationship, you and your wife are likely to divorce, with all the life changes that brings.

You should carefully consider both the potential negatives as well as the exciting positives of your future behavior.

[cellaphanepants]

Most of the time, when we ask these questions, we already know the answer.

[Lilith]

good answer

[Aqua]

Most of the time, when we ask these questions, we already know the answer.
QFT!

[Caliban]

Thank you all for your words of advice and things to think about. I spoke to another friend and got some good advice from her as well. I also looked inside myself, and from the outside at myself for the first time since this all started. After hearing my wife say just one time "I hope you know how much I love you." I realized that I had been temporarily insane in remembering how it felt to be a teenager in love for the very first time. I do know how much she loves me. I also know how much I love her.

Upon realizing that, I also knew that I did still have feelings for my first love. However, we had a long talk. I realized that those feelings are not completely based in the past, but these new feelings are much different than that intense puppy love. I have a respect for her seeing her as a grown woman and mother, and as a good wife to her husband. Because aside from having any feelings for me, she has never mistreated him nor cheated on him. They have a great family and she has overcome a lot to get that. I have a great family too.

We acknowledged that while we did love each other, it was a different kind of love, the kind that you never lose for your first great romance. We have no plans to get physical, nor to pledge our eternal passions to one another the world be damned.We are very good friends that share a wonderful bond that is remarkably still there 20 years later. Things are okay. Aside from maybe meeting for lunch one day or sharing a bowl (funny thing, we both turned into pot smokers) and some laughs, that will be it. I have told her she always has a friend with a shoulder to cry on or laugh on if she needs it. I think she likes that.

Truth be told, we both feel like pretty lucky people. We really love our families, and our spouses really love us and are good people. Then to have facebook, masquerading as fate (thanks for that insight PF) put us back in touch we realized that something special never died. It just got older and wiser, but still very nice -- and platonic!

One more reason I won't be straying anywhere anytime is that besides my undying love for my family, and the wonderful woman that the universe really did put me with (thank you Rhiannon), that wonderful woman is absolutely, curl my toes, make me damn near pass-out, awesome in bed. :)

When you know what lock a key fits into, you don't need to try any others.

Again, thank you all, and PF, I will try to be around sooner next time!

[Oldfart]

There is a song about falling in love with love.

An additional worm for your brain, could you cope with another man raising your child while you help raise your first love's brood? Unless you can negotiate a poly solution, that is the likely outcome.

[Caliban]

Oldfart, that's been something I've thought about even before this and the answer is a resounding NO.

But things are cool. We are talking and taking the time to just be friends with a very special bond. She loves her husband and I love my wife and we are both dedicated to maintaining our marriages and our families. We do love each other, but as it works with love, sometimes things don't work exactly like they do on TV. Our love for our families and our spouses trumps any goosebumps we get from each other.

The goosebumps are still fun though, and relatively harmless. We are just very good friends. Friends with benefits, but not sexual benefits you might say. The benefits being true love that started when we were kids that has endured to become the basis of a wonderful friendship.

The 38 year old man is back in control and the 17 year old can still dream.

[jseal]

... The 38 year old man is back in control and the 17 year old can still dream.
An excellent situation! :thumb:

[dm383]

Late to this, and PF's comments added to +++!! (Good yin, auld fella!)

Glad you worked things out OK Caliban...... and the guys ARE right you know - you can NEVER go back ...... in anything!!

DM

[Oldfart]

An excellent situation! :thumb:

Concurrence. (Apologies to Piers Anthony fans)

[Caliban]

Thanks again to everyone. I do love my wife. And it's a damn shame that the two of us are married to people we love, ain't that a problem to have! My first love is a beautiful woman, inside and out and if we can't be more, it's good just to be friends. It's funny because 20 years ago that's how we started out. Now she's more than a friend and always will be. And unless something occurs for both of us and God forbid our marriages fail, we shall remain nothing but very special friends.

It's not a bad consolation prize to be married to a wonderful woman and to have another as a best friend.