Attraction Fatality

[osuche]

Nah, not fatal attraction...that's a topic for another time. ;)

My question here, is....For those of you in a long-term relationship, have you ever experienced a prolonged loss of attraction to your mate? This loss of attraction might mean that you no longer find them sexy, or even have a hard time wanting to have sex with them.

Did you manage to reverse the process? If yes, how did you "flip the switch" and start finding them sexy again?

If you didn't reverse the process, what did you decide to do as a result of that loss of attraction?

[pinkFlames]

There was a lot of factors going on in my relationship that let to me feeling that way. For me it was a downhill slide. Eventually we broke up and now I'm totally hot for my current boyfriend. Sorry, I don't have anything encouraging to say about your situation.

[FlirtWithMe]

My question here, is....For those of you in a long-term relationship, have you ever experienced a prolonged loss of attraction to your mate? This loss of attraction might mean that you no longer find them sexy, or even have a hard time wanting to have sex with them.Yes, this happened to me with my ex-husband several years ago.

Did you manage to reverse the process? If yes, how did you "flip the switch" and start finding them sexy again?I didn't manage this :(

If you didn't reverse the process, what did you decide to do as a result of that loss of attraction?I left him :o NOT, I should say, purely as a result of the problems in the bedroom, there were other factors and in short I couldn't see myself growing old with him. We started out together quite young and I don't think I was really ready to settle. We were together several years but split in 2000.


During our marriage, when I was trying to get my 'want' of him back, I read a LOT of erotica. I had to read it to get in the mood. It wasn't a good time for me at all, as I knew he knew I was losing interest and that made me feel terrible.

Is it only your husband you're not interested in? I mean, has your sex drive disappeared completely or is it just the thought of sex with your husband that's not appealing? I'm not sure what advice I would give whatever the answers to these two questions but I know I was attracted to other men, so although my sex drive was nearly non-existent, I knew there was something there, just not for my husband :(

This isn't a very positive message and I'm sorry about that. I hope you can work things out :x:


Just adding here: have you spoken with your husband about this? Does he know how you feel? Try to do this :nod: Communication is so important and if he's doing something (or not doing something) that's contributing to your lack of interest in him, he might be able to do something about it if he knows how you're feeling. You could work through it together. He could take more of an active role in trying to get you in the mood during the day, for example. This used to work very well when my ex-husband and I were first together. It was like all-day foreplay!

[rabbit]

Osuche, yes I have had this problem off and on for the past 10 years or so. Changing things up (fantasies, lingerie, locations, et al) has helped a lot. The basic problem...and she admits it...is that she doesn't require sex as much as I do. I don't love her any less for it but it is sometimes tough to deal with. Sometimes I think I wouldn't mind having a g/f if it was discreet and with someone in the same situation as I.

[Lilith]

Times of low sex drive are one thing but I do not think that is what you are describing. You are saying loss of attraction to your mate. Meaning you may want sex but not with them. The question is for me is what is it about them that has you feeling this way. Are you angry about the 39048752349085742389745397 other things they do that piss you off and it's carrying over into the bed room? Are you bored and need something new? Are you deep down the type of person who needs to have the cycle of attraction in your life where you consistently have a new relationship starting so that you get to experience what it feels like to have someone chasing you or wanting you? Is it just the thrill of the chase or your need to be the bait?

Is it him or is it you? In the end it does not matter. If you don't want to fuck your spouse/mate/SO it is just a symptom of a bigger issue. Especially if they are not open to a poly situation. And if they are, is your relationship really strong enough to deal with those intricacies??

[osuche]

All good questions, Lil. I had an ephiphany the other day - I realized that a big part of the issue is that I feel very maternal towards my husband. Somewhere over the past 14 years (and it wasn't recent), I started viewing him more in the role of a child/companion/brother than as a lover....and it's been difficult to try to flip the switch back to making him my lover.

I just don't feel sexy around him, and the sex really doesn't work. I do feel sexy around others...which is a problem. Being a woman in her 30's seems to mean a constant and insistent sex drive that can rule your waking and sleeping hours.

I'm not sure what to do. I love my husband, and I like him. We have fun together, and we rarely fight. Outside of the bedroom, the worst I can say is that he works too much and I am lonely at times. I don't think I need to chase or be chased, and I certainly don't need more drama in my life.

Nope, he is not poly...so that's not an option either.

/me sighs.