my girlfriend is horrible

[naturalplastics]

I was her first, and seriously, sex is unfufilling at best. I find her attractive, but she's totally boring and not sexy. I've tried toys, porn, outfits, being spontaneous, fast, slow, and nothing works.

The one thing I can't get her to do is talk dirty. She's won't even try. The only things she'll say are "my knees are starting to get sore" and "you should hurry up"

What can I do to make her more sexy, and better at sex? Oh, I thought giving it time was the answer, and it's been 3 years.

[Lilith]

Sexy inspires sexy. How sexy are you? She doesn't sound turned on, she sounds annoyed.

How's your relationship?

[jseal]

... Oh, I thought giving it time was the answer, and it's been 3 years.
naturalplastics,

It may be time for a different relationship.

[Oldfart]

naturalplastics

This sounds all about you and not much about her.

Get her zinging and she'll blow your head off, but three years of

corrosive relationship will be hard to get over.

[Jude30]

What are her views on sex? Does she enjoy it or does she consider it a chore she has to do to keep you? Was she raised in an extremely uptight family? Does she think sex is dirty and something only enjoyed by "sluts". If you don't know the answers to these questions already this could also be part of the problem since that means you guys aren't talking about sex.

[PantyFanatic]

"This sounds like a failure to communicate" :cool:



.........Verbally and physically. ;)

[naturalplastics]

good theories, all. Thanks for the input.

Communication is a big issue. She claims she doesn't know what she wants, and she's not really good at communicating, even if she did. She is pretty uptight I guess especially about talking.


The relationship's fine, aside from me getting frustrated occasionally, because she'd rather watch TV or play video games than do anything.

I can totally see the annoyed thing - she tends to get pissy when I try to start stuff without a bunch of notice, and then she puts it off with excuses until I'm too tired and grumpy.

I do appologize because I am in one of those frustrated moods.

[sodaklostsoul]

She may have some physical issues and not sure where to get help or may be to embarresed even to go. She needs to find herself, it seems she is not comfortable with sex yet or may not understand it even. She might feel comfortable talking with a female therapist or even checking for some websites. Whatever her case is she is not comfortable talking with you it would seem. Jude30 brought up some good points too.

She tells you she don't know what she wants, maybe you could suggest looking for an online support group or something.

Sorry to say but either you have to be really patient until she figures herself out or keep pushing her until the relationship is destroyed.

[osuche]

It may just be that she's young and inexperienced. Women, even more than men, tend to "grow into" their sexuality over time...as they get comfortable with their bodies and who they are as people, and as they stop spending so much time trying to please others.

You can bear with her, encourage her friendships with older women, and invest time in trying to help her explore her sexuality. However, the majority of the inspiration must come from within herself.

[Loulabelle]

Yep, it sounds to me that her head isn't in the right place for sex, in which case, porn, sex toys etc are all going to make the situation worse.

If she's really that difficult to get motivated into 'doing' things and just wants to watch TV and play video games, I'd be wondering if she's suffering from a mild kind of depression. If this is the case, pressure from you about sex is not helping.

If you really want to continue the sexual side of your relationship while she's trying to get her head right, I suggest, you go for the tried and trusted, old fashioned approach. She needs romancing, treating gently (both emotionally and physically) and she needs to know you care. She shouldn't have to tell you that her knees are sore, you should be making sure she's in a position where she's comfortable, and asking her if she's still OK. If you give her options to stop, change positions move on to something different, before she's in physical pain, you may find she'll be less likely to turn you down next time.

This last bit is going to sound harsh, but it's from personal experience so I know what I'm talking about. If you and she are having sex when she doesn't really want it (and let's face it, she's making it pretty clear to you that she doesn't really want it) you could be doing her similar psychological damage as she'd suffer at the hands of an abuser - particularly if in order to 'improve' your sex life you're pressuring her to do things which in her mind appear to be more and more extreme.

You need to help her get this sorted out before it messes her up for life. You seeing her as 'horrible' is probably not helping either.

[wyndhy]

all good advice above.

i have to say here i hope you don't talk to her the same way you talk about her - as if she were a trial to you. talking about her this way ... well, i must admit it pissed me off a bit. it isn't exactly understanding or loving. she needs help (if she wants it), not pressure and degradation.

it's kind of an old joke that turning on a man is easier than flicking on a light and more obvious to boot but it turns out that compared to a woman's libido, it's really true. with a man, it's usually a mechanical problem (ED) but for women it's way more complicated than that. even a low level of testosterone (once thought to be the source of low libidos in women) doesn't seem to be the only culprit. women's libidos are proving to be way more complicated than just hormones and attraction. psychological factors - like her desire to be and feel sexual and her beliefs about sex - also play a large role in shaping her libido. they call it hsdd (hypoactive sexual desire disorder) and there is not normally one cure or quick fix because sexuality is a different experience for everyone. if she's never experienced sexual passion, she may not even know what she's missing.

i hope she decides she wants to find ways to increase her libido because aside from the health benefits, sex - and i mean just the journey itself - can be such a happy, joyful, wondrous and wonderful experience that it's heartbreaking to think of life without it. plus, an orgasm (or five) feels mighty fine.

let her know i wish her luck, understanding, patient exploration and thoughtful support.

[naturalplastics]

oh, I assure you I don't talk bad about her, even to people I know - I know I sound like an ass on here, but I'm just trying to be honest and see how I can make things better.

We did talk some last night about it, and it really seemed to help. I'll try to proceed with tact. She is probably a little depressed - we just moved in August and we're both having a hard time meeting new friends, but I'm a lot more outgoing than she is.

Thanks again for the great insight.

[jseal]

... We did talk some last night about it, and it really seemed to help ...
naturalplastics,

Opening a dialog can greatly improve a relationship. :thumb:

[Oldfart]

Naturalplastics,

You don't meet new friends, you meet new people and make new friends.

Find out what her idea of a fun social night is, church, bowling, evening classes or

drag racing.

Put her where she's most comfortable.

An interesting thought from her beside me, is she worried about going to church as a "Fallen Woman" if you are unmarried. (Guilt, it's a woman's view.)

[joe_someguy]

Dude...get out now. I'll probably get hung out to dry by the ladies here, but I've been living through this for a LONG time. I'm totally in love with my wife. We have a great relationship, and we're going to stay together because I'm kinda old fashioned when it comes to commitments. My sex life is completely dead, and it's extremely frustrating. If you want to live like this for the rest of your life, then go right on ahead, but I'm telling you right now that it doesn't get any better. In fact, it get worse. And trust me, I'm not just talking out of my butt here. We've tried all kinds of counseling over the past 17 years, and there's nothing you can do about it. You either bail out, or you get ready for a very bad sex life.

<------ Hides behind bushes to avoid flying garbage from pissed off women...

[Lilith]

I don't know why you would assume that you'd have issues with "pissed off women." By far the majority of people I have met at sites like this, who are living in sexless marriages, are women.

[joe_someguy]

eh...just a horrible assumption on my part. Sorry...

[Lilith]

Not horrible. Just assumption. I think women are also more likely to discuss it. What with us being talkers and all.

[joe_someguy]

I don't know why we can't just have a questionaire or carry cards or something that would let us know what we're getting into waaaayyyy before becoming attached. Something simple like, "Do you like sex?" would be a good start. I can think of a good 20 question poll that should be given before the start of each relationship, and then if things aren't going to work out, people would know way in advance. I know, I know...I'm just talking out my rear at this point. People change, stuff happens, relationships change, and you can't predict what's going to happen. It would be nice though...

[Lilith]

I actually think you can predict. I think that people in love/lust ignore clear warning signs of long-term incompatibility in order to get what they want while they want it.

[PantyFanatic]

Sick around Joe. And read around a lot of the old threads. Pixies understand these things (http://www.pixies-place.com:81/forums/showpost.php?p=1522059&postcount=1057). ;)

[marval]

i am with joe some guy. GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[smoothballs]

ok im lost if she's that bad what with the pictures you posted in another section ?

[Lilith]

Good call smoothballs. NP you havesome 'splainin' to do.

[naturalplastics]

Well, I guess things have been a little better. I mean, I did post this question half a year ago.

I met some friends and I really just do my own thing a lot of the time - singing karaoke, rock climbing, sword fighting, working out, whatever. We get along a lot better it seems when we're not hanging out all the time.

*shrugs* I know it's not the answer you were hoping for ;)

[Lilith]

Does she know you posted her pics?

[smoothballs]

:) i never looked at the posted dates, i just read what i've missed since i was last on, tbh i been neglecting this site abit i really should get back more often

living in each others pockets is never good, you can't miss each other if your constantly around for a start

[naturalplastics]

yeah. she suggested it :) I guess that means she's trying.

[Loulabelle]

You may well fine that getting a bit of confidence and approval from the kind gents at Pixies may help her to open up in the bedroom a little bit more.

I've known women who would never dream of even having sex with the lights on let alone with toys/cameras etc. Perhaps you too need to make an effort to remember that most sex isn't like what you see in the porn films.

[Jude30]

Perhaps you too need to make an effort to remember that most sex isn't like what you see in the porn films.


It's not?

[Oldfart]

No, it has passion and soul.

[L_wolf80]

Dude, Not sure what you realy want from this site, Bu the pic you posted back on 5-4-08 shows a wedding band on here finger. Girlfriend or wife?
Just wondering

[citrus]

Dude, Not sure what you realy want from this site, Bu the pic you posted back on 5-4-08 shows a wedding band on here finger. Girlfriend or wife?
Just wonderingor Ruse? :teleport: Storyline for us gullible types?

[Oldfart]

You are such a cynic, citrus. LOL