On taking feedback, criticism etc

[Jax]

Okay..so I'm thin skinned and don't take criticism/feedback very well. But I'm working on it. So that's good.

But I got to thinking. What separates thin skinned from thick skinned? When the feedback is right on (i.e. in my case I know it to be right) how do you stop putting energy into the 'dang it' part? I mean, I can change my behavoir today. But I still have that 'busted' feeling?

Anyway, I think you see what I'm asking. How do thick skinned people deal with the 'you got caught' part? as opposed to thin skinned folks. Ideas? Tips?

[Oldfart]

Question 1. Is it going to kill me?

Question 2. Can I recover from it?

Question 3. Is it going to break me financially?

No? Then look sincere and think "Fuck it!"

Learn from it.

[gekkogecko]

Go not to the surrealists for advice, for they will say both "Blue" and "Hippopatomus".

[osuche]

How about making a list of the things you like about yourself. Say something like...OK, so I am xxx and I need to work on that by doing.....But I am also kind, literate, and a great father (or something of the sort).

People are never black and white. We all have stuff we need to work on, but we also have other stuff of which we can be proud!

[Loulabelle]

I couldn't agree more with Osuche!

The only thing I can add, is that when you're in that situation, remember to be as forgiving of yourself as you are of others. What I mean to say is, you know your wife/kids/friends/family have their faults, but it doesn't make you love them any less; likewise, when one of your faults has been pointed out, it doesn't mean that you are any less loved. Also, if you are criticised by someone whom you don't particularly 'rate', don't fret about it. Sometimes people are just incompatible in their opinions/priorities etc and there's nothing wrong with just agreeing to disagree (even if you don't do so out loud!)

[Lilith]

Criticism and feedback are not related to being "busted." Being "busted" and the repercussions are usually about punishment/reinforcement. Criticism and feedback are useful tools in helping someone create change they choose/want to make. To me one involves the acceptance of responsibility much more than the other.

[maddy]

I've moved to being pretty thick skinned by having an incredible mentor/manager. He was always honest with me and there were times I stomped my feet and pouted but I always reflected upon what he said as I respected his opinion greatly.

We still work together and we have more of a partnership in the office relationship than manager and employee. He respects my opinions just as much as I do his. We both know that we can be honest with one another and not get our feelings hurt.

If you can find someone where you can build a strong relationship like that, you will have a different outlook about all the feedback you receive and view at more as an opportunity and less as punishment.

[Jax]

Thank you all for the insightful answers. Lots of interesting perspectives and I appreciate your sharing.

[Jax]

Whoops, hit send too fast there. Anyway, I appreciate the perspectives. It's interesting. I'm going to keep working on it, and I think ..well, I think a lot of things. Just keep on moving and see what I can do.

Do you think we ever change significantly on thin skinned or just make incremental improvement? I mean, when I'm 70 or 80 will I largely still be this way? Perhaps unanswerable.

Good advice peeps! Thank you.

[scotzoidman]

5 decades haven't really helped me to be any thicker skinned to criticism, I think an overly religious upbringing combined with a tender spirit will keep me from achieving that goal...which is not to say I haven't learned a lot about how to deal with it, & not to let guilt overwhelm me (much?), & to always consider the source, i.e., does the criticizer intend to help or hurt me on my way to a better me? Being my own worst critic also helps me to anticipate where the barbs & arrows might be incoming.

[rabbit]

How about making a list of the things you like about yourself. Say something like...OK, so I am xxx and I need to work on that by doing.....But I am also kind, literate, and a great father (or something of the sort).

People are never black and white. We all have stuff we need to work on, but we also have other stuff of which we can be proud!

Listen to her...she's right!