~?~ Emotional Affairs ~?~

[osuche]

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/couplesandmarriage/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=5213696&GT1=10323

"The signs of an emotional affair may be more subtle than those of a sexual affair, but they're just as unmistakable. "An emotional affair happens when you put the bulk of your emotions into the hands of somebody outside of your marriage," explains psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity. "

Have you ever had one? Did it hurt your marriage/long term relationship? Did it help you realize something crucial about yourself? Did you break it off, or keep it going? Any regrets?


I'm very interested in both your thoughts on the article as well as your own personal experiences.

[CunningLinguist]

I've never had one, but I've got lots (and lots) of experience in being the so-called other man in the emotional affair.

Me and her would be really close, tell each other everything, but at the end of the day she'd go home and fuck a guy she was always complaining about.

In the end, one could say I only wanted sex with this woman who had a boyfriend, but really I was the one who was used for free therapy. :-(

Now I just charge people $23 for it! :cboy:

[osuche]

OK - so here's an opposing viewpoint.

It might be fair to say that no one person can fulfill 100% of another person's needs. Perhaps it's nice to give your partner a break for a while. Maybe it's OK to have close friends as part of a network, and use those friends to fulfill some of your emotional needs. Maybe it's even OK if it's one special person you call.

What do you think?

[Lilith]

I have intimate relationships with people. I can't say I put "the bulk" of my emotions in any one person's hands. I am an intimate open person who has close emotional attachments to many people. Some of those attachments might be considered affairs to people who are not ok with being seriously emotionally attached in a variety of degrees to more than one person at a time. For some, sex is the physical manifestation of an emotional attachment. For some, the attachment occurs and physical expression does not.

Mr. Lil knows how I am and how deeply I feel about certain people in my life. It does not seem to have hurt my marriage. That's a good thing, because the people I love are part of what makes me...me.

P.S. to add to your comment/?

I do think that having strong relationships besides my primary one gives both of us perspective. I share conversations/worries/joys/fears, etc. with all the people who are involved in my life. It's not that one person needs a break. For me it simultaneous. I share my life with them all.

[Oldfart]

For me too, my life is shared with a number of people emotionally.

One has been close for 25 years, one has been close for a few months after being known for 25 years, one is an ex-wife who is still my oldest friend, one is my current partner who has been a friend forever and is now my lover, and then there is Lilith.

Lilith is loved, but not a lover (dammit), a friend and an absolute darling.

[gekkogecko]

But wait...I'm polyamorous. Who is to say where I put the bulk of my emotional effort?

[rabbit]

OK - so here's an opposing viewpoint.

It might be fair to say that no one person can fulfill 100% of another person's needs. Perhaps it's nice to give your partner a break for a while. Maybe it's OK to have close friends as part of a network, and use those friends to fulfill some of your emotional needs. Maybe it's even OK if it's one special person you call.

What do you think?

I agree. I can have initimate emotional feelings for more than one partner. In the past it has led to sex, which in all cases was OK.

[Rhiannon]

I met my current parent and husband online. He is and was my best friend.
i was married at the time in a bad and abusive relationship. The only thing i can say is that he helped me keep my sanity. It did become more the longer we were married and gave me the courage to leave the ex. I called him labor day at work and said "oh btw i am moving out cya"

We have been married for 8 years now. he proposed the day my divorce was final . He is nuts.

I have relationships with people where i can say anything too. I have friends where i can vent and such. But i am faithful to him. I know this sounds corny but he is my soulmate.He irritates me at time but hey that is marriage

[WildIrish]

I'm sure there are strong and valid points to be made for both sides.

John Gray (Women are from Venus and Men have a Penis) was once quoted in an article saying "anything that detracts any form of intimacy from the relationship you share with your spouse is detrimental". He went on to state that even masturbation is bad. If you are sexual with yourself...you're taking something away from your relationship.

This, obviously, is a bit extreme for most people's taste, but one can certainly get the point (as oversimplified as I think it is) being made.

Having very close friends and confidants of the opposite sex can be beneficial to a marriage as well. A close friend will tell you things much more objectively and with less emotional involvement than your spouse. A friend will look at a situation and say "I understand what you are saying, but this is what I'm hearing."

Can there be a happy medium? Well, it's rare. :p (Sorry...but every post has to have some goofiness)

I guess it depends on how sincerely people believe that it is possible to love more than one person in a way that is true and deep. Does one love detract from the other or do they feed each other's fire? If one is gone, does the other flame go out...do two flames HAVE to extinguish because they inevitably end up consuming all of the fuel? Or can they continue to coexist, burning at a rate that allows each the fuel it needs?

Crazy little thing called love.

[Zephreck]

This is a very interesting question.

I think it really depends on the people in the relationship. Seems like a corny overused phrase but it really does. Lilith for example is a very open person but knows where the lines are that her husband has laid down (if there are any at all). If she was with a very controlling person, a jeaous person, or a person who had less self-esteem; then it would be a bad thing for the relationship.

Basically I think in a relationship where two people are open and secure in that relationship and where they can be honest and open about their feelings and emotions and if lines are drawn so that the principle relationship (that between the original couple) is maintained and perserved then I think that having someone as an outlet is a good thing.

I will give a real life example here.

I was once in a relationship where after a period of two years where stabiity had been formed, we both were able to share completely with one another. We both were somewhat flirtaceous and that was seen by others. But we worked very hard at making sure that each of us knew that we held each other first. There were times that my sex drive was more than what she could deal with. So she had no problem with me flirting with others etc online. And she had a few "boy toys" that she did the same with. Because we were open about it. It really didn't cause a problem. The relationship sadly did end after 3 years but it was based on something entirely different.

I have a friend who has been in an open marriage for about 35 years now. I love her and her husband to death and have known her and him for about 7 years now. They are open as well. They make sure they take care of their relationship first, and then allow the other. But there are ground rules and things to be careful of.

When you start sharing alot of your emotions it doesn't take a brilliant person to realize you are dangerously close to falling for them as well. If you are not someone that can balance that with your first relationship then it is probably a bad idea to explore the possibilities of extra emotional "outlets".Or if you love who you are with a great deal and they can't deal with you sharing with someone else then it is probably a bad idea. Then again you have to ask how important it is to you that you have this outlet.

Emotions also quite easily builds sensual tension as well. Something you may think is a vanilla non sexual relationship may build to something more. You may want to think about whether you are ready for that to occur.

Basically I think all three people involved have to be mature and conscientious of the other two people involved in the triangle or it could be bad. That is just my opinion however. I would certainly not judge anyone nor their opinions.

/bow

Zeph

[Nuelaan]

I have been emotionally unfaithful. But I do find that it only happens for me when there were real problems already in the original relationship.

[IowaMan]

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/8036/your-friends-scare-me;_ylc=X3oDMTFvZmdpOGE3BF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEc2VjA2ZwX3RvZGF5BHNsawNvdXItZnJpZW5kcy1zY2FyZS1tZQR6egNhYmNk

My god, did I actually read an article from Yahoo personals? :yikes:

No wonder I'm 39 and still single. :(

[Salacious]

I guess when it comes down to it I have emotional affairs. But anyone that knows me knows I am quite open. However, my mate isn't. So I guess I turned to online chat, forums and the like to get adult conversation and friendships. Sharing my emotions is part of sharing me; and I do share with my friends.

[mikaylasmummy]

I am not etirely sure if it was because he was controlling, over possisive, a abuser, constantly acusing me of a affair or just over bearing that caused me to have a emotional affair.
My ex partner was like that he drove me into the arms of another man, he would always accuse me of cheating on him. Within that time, I was talking to my current partner every night of the phone. The more my ex pushed the more I had feelings for my man. When we spoke there was nothing sexual about the conversations, we never spoke about sex, no sorry that is a lie the most that we ever spoke about while I was with my ex was me telling my current I was not a virgin.
I believe that my ex and I were doomed regardless of the fact wether or not my current partner was involved or not he had a bad attitude and did not treat me the way that I deserved. I was going to leave him one day it was a matter of when?!?!?!?!
In the end I left him and I am with my current partner now, I have no regrets. I have a adorable stepson and a adorable daughter now.

[Jax]

So, I think I'm guilty of having an emotional affair. And I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, having a deep non sexual friendship with a woman has been wonderful. It is far easier to talk to to her about things and get a female perspective without the spouse baggage (a friend can be concerned for you, and love you, but not depending on you as a partner). In that respect it has probably strengthed my marriage and my other friendships.

But on the otherside, I have been more excited to hear from that person than perhaps my wife some times. And maybe a little too frequently. Also, while having the non spouse perspective is cool once in awhile, too often and it can become a problem. The wife should be in the front seat emotionally.

Hope that makes sense. This was a really good question.

[citrus]

My emotions totally fuck me up. Without emotions I am utterly a mutherfucker assholepigprickdogshitnothing male. I prefer dealing with you through my emotional fucked upness rather than without.