Trust?? and another question

[Sisyphus]

Hi all, I have a quick couple questions for you all..

I have a problem with trust..I know it, i can identify were it comes from *last few gfs really just lied to me all the time* So now Im so damn cautious that it feels like I can't trust anyone anymore. Has anyone ever been in this position? Its gotten so bad that I don't even wanna bother with any relationship anymore.. :nuts: Its been like this close to a year now since my last relationship and its worst now then ever b4.

The other question and the other reason I feel like this is, doesn't anyone like subtly and passion anymore? *Thanks Robert Lamm for the song :lol: * I mean it just seems like all ppl what to do anymore is fuck and move on...they dont wanna get close and tease and have fun. Sex to me is an extension of love, not something you share with a stranger on the street or at the bar, doesnt it seem like everything about good old fashion love is dead??

[WildIrish]

Is it possible that people withdraw and become secretive because of your inherent distrust?

[Sisyphus]

Anything is possible Irish.

The catch 22 is that because of the problems b4, it has made me like this lol Feel like im trying to fly a lead ballon here. :)

[Loulabelle]

Perhaps your trust issue is not one to with other people....perhaps the person you trust least is yourself.

You've made some poor judgements/choices when it comes to past relationships, so now, you don't feel you can trust your own instincts enough to choose a partner who is going to be reliable.

Being alone is a good way to re-examine your past relationships and see where it went wrong. Did you just choose the wrong type of person? If these girls were cheating on you (which by the tone of your post I'm guessing they did) were they trying to communicate that they needed more from the relationship than they were getting and you just didn't 'hear' what they were asking for? Were there warning signs that this was happening/going to happen that you ignored?

These are the questions you need to address in order to heal, so that you can then get out there and start afresh without the baggage of the failed relationships you've experienced before.

As for the question of sex vs love: love is out there, but the time has to be right, the person has to be right and YOU have to be right - that'll come when the other issues are sorted.

[Oldfart]

Not everyone wants sudden love and commitment.

Pick your mark.

[mara]

I've totally been there. With me, it was my significant other cheating on me for three months. I was constantly catching him in lies, calling him at work and he wasn't there--that whole bit. This was 4 years ago. We've worked it all out, gone to counselling, etc, etc. But there is still that little voice of doubt that questions him occasionally. And I don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone 100% ever again.

Over time, it will get easier--you'll become less neurotic and paranoid in your relationships. But you will always remain a bit guarded. Always on your toes, wondering if the other person is completely faithful. But maybe that is not such a bad thing. We never truly really know anyone, and to think otherwise is just asking for trouble.

mara

[Loulabelle]

I agree Mara - having blind faith in someone, never questioning anything they say and trusting them no matter what is called naivety. I also think that a healthy recognition of the fact that your partner COULD look elsewhere, helps to remind you to keep working on the relationship and not rest on your laurels.

[WildIrish]

Only a lady can rest on her Laurels.












Guys rest on their Hardys. :p

[cavegirl]

One of the worst things that ever happened to me was when my first boyfriend cheated on me. I was only 18 and we'd been together a few months. He slept with my best friend - and the worst bit was that I actually caught them doing it. At the time I *thought* I loved him. The reason he gave for sleeping with my best friend was that I wouldn't sleep with him right away...he had urges and he needed to sort them out, seeing as I wasn't forthcoming, he found someone who was. No matter it was the person I'd been closest to since I was 8 years old.

So trust is a huge issue for me and has been ever since. It took me a further 6 years to be able to trust a man again - I had dates, I met people but I could never allow them to get close to me in case the same thing happened. But things changed when I met my current OH - and we've been together just over 2 years now. I can't explain it, we clicked, it felt right, I instinctively knew that this man was someone who I could trust. We've had a few rocky patches and some issues with another woman causing us problems but we've always come through them.

Mara is completely right though - you never ever truly know someone 100%.

But the right person will present themself to you, just like they did to me - and it always happens when you least expect it.

[Oldfart]

cavegirl

It was the trust between you and your best friend is more the point.

[cavegirl]

I guess it was another issue too. I never really spoke to her much after that, and have never ever forgiven her.

[IowaMan]

I can't honestly say that I don't have some trust issues with women. A long time ago I walked in on the only woman I've ever been engaged to cheating on me. That left a mark I can't deny that. I do my best, however, not to allow what she did to taint my views of other women.

Hey, I'm 39 and still single, I obviously have some sort of committment problem but I am always honest about it with any woman I date. I do not sleep with someone just for the sake of getting laid. As much as I'd like to think I could do it, I know I can't. I've had one one-night stand in my life and I knew I was doing it for all the wrong reasons at the time but I let myself go ahead with it. That was back in '94 and it still sickens me to this day that I let myself use somebody like I did. I may go to my grave without ever "being" with another woman but I have to feel something for a woman before I can allow myself to "be" with her. Not even sure if that's part of what was being asked but there you have it. :p

[Sisyphus]

I cant bring myself to have a one night stand with anyone either..When I was in Florida scuba diving I had a few chances the 2 weeks I was there, but they were mostly women that were drunk at the bar...God I hate when a women gets whiney when you tell them there to damn drunk for there on good LOL *one of them had the tightest body Ive ever seen in NJ and Fla combined, but I still couldnt*..Never the less...like Iowaman I have to feel something strong for the women before I can even start thinking of sleeping with them..

[Loulabelle]

And that's how it should be.

I can't stand slutty men, and nothing puts me off a guy more than knowing he's had loads of one-night stands.

If you want a quality woman, you need to be a quality man.

[WildIrish]

*snicker* Iowman said "taint"

[ReaperWoman]

If you want a quality woman, you need to be a quality man.

Well put!

[Sisyphus]

LOL seems like I should move to England..all the real women sound like there over there :)

[Lilith]

Excuse me?

[IowaMan]

Real women are all over this fine planet. I just hope to find the one for me someday. Gotta actually get out and look but I'm pretty sure they're not all in one country having a meeting of "the Real Woman's Club". :D

[Sisyphus]

Excuse me?


It was a joke...*S* All the posts from women on here all have there locations set to the Uk..

[Irezumi Kiss]

The other question and the other reason I feel like this is, doesn't anyone like subtly and passion anymore? *Thanks Robert Lamm for the song :lol: * I mean it just seems like all ppl what to do anymore is fuck and move on...they dont wanna get close and tease and have fun. Sex to me is an extension of love, not something you share with a stranger on the street or at the bar, doesnt it seem like everything about good old fashion love is dead??
I don't see anything wrong with just wanting sex, but there's no excuse in treating the other person like shit or less than human or showing less respect than they deserve just because they want that. Some people aren't fully into themselves sexually enough to respect others when wanting sex just for fun. It's fucked to have to deal with those types, but not everyone is like that...and there are people out there who aren't so jaded that they can't take it slower...even if it's just for play.

I'm one of those people not really meant to have a conventional relationship with someone that leads to marriage, kids, dog & cat, etc...although I can't write it out completely —*things could change in the future, I don't have a crystal ball — I'm just not feeling that happening at all anymore. I gave most of my twenties towards trying to have that and in doing so, I've paid my price with failures of bridges I ain't crossing again...so right now I'm comfortable and having fun in being relatively single and enjoying the company of casual dating and sex. I don't want a solid relationship right now unless the other can be open and reeeealy patient. There's things I want and need to do that I neglected in my earlier years...and I can't give properly to another for marriage or whatever until I've accomplished those things. Therefore, I'm keeping it light. And that comes from knowing myself and not lying about what I want.

So, I'd just say know yourself and know what you want — really want — before getting with others. Then, if you're on the track for wanting a future instead of a few movie dates, lay down that law from the git-go so you don't have to deal with unnecessary bullshit. Be straight-up and be honest. And be vigilant!

[Loulabelle]

LOL seems like I should move to England..all the real women sound like there over there :)

Trust me, good women are in the minority in the UK. Unfortunately, we still seem to outnumber the good men 10-1 - that's why I have so many amazing single women friends & relatives, and the single men friends I have aren't good enough for any of them!

[Oldfart]

A tad harsh perhaps, or a poor choice of male friends?

[Irezumi Kiss]

Tell all the UK "birds" they can come see ME...

It's like busty, voluptuous woman heaven over there for some reason...on second thought, maybe I should take my ass over THERE... :devil:

[Loulabelle]

A tad harsh perhaps, or a poor choice of male friends?

It wasn't meant to be harsh. They're nice guys, but don't have anywhere near what my female friends have to offer i.e. great looks, intelligence, sparkling personality, tons of charisma, great careers etc etc.

[cavegirl]

Tell all the UK "birds" they can come see ME...

It's like busty, voluptuous woman heaven over there for some reason...on second thought, maybe I should take my ass over THERE... :devil:

lol -just a tip though, if you do come over don't refer to us as birds (at least not to our faces anyway) - some of us have got crackin' left hooks ;) :) (joke)

mind you, wish I was busty and voluptuous...you'll be ok if you like the 'raspberries on an ironing board' look with me, lol

[1nutworld]

It wasn't meant to be harsh. They're nice guys, but don't have anywhere near what my female friends have to offer i.e. great looks, intelligence, sparkling personality, tons of charisma, great careers etc etc.

If you've got any extras let me know, I know that I could use friends with all those characteristics, especially of the female variety!

Hi Lou! :wave:

[Loulabelle]

lol -just a tip though, if you do come over don't refer to us as birds (at least not to our faces anyway) - some of us have got crackin' left hooks ;) :) (joke)

mind you, wish I was busty and voluptuous...you'll be ok if you like the 'raspberries on an ironing board' look with me, lol

Hey cavegirl you can have some of mine. I've got enough to share with you and we'd BOTH still be busty and voluptuous!!!!!


1nutworld, perhaps I should start try-outs for a guy who's good enough to date my sister!

[1nutworld]

1nutworld, perhaps I should start try-outs for a guy who's good enough to date my sister!

Pass the sign-up sheet!

[cavegirl]

Hey cavegirl you can have some of mine. I've got enough to share with you and we'd BOTH still be busty and voluptuous!!!!!


Woo-hoo - I'm a-getting me some boobs at long last!! Thanks, Lou;) lol

[marval]

My opinion is: Don't move to England to find love, there are plenty of them here!
My first piece of advise is to stop looking, and find girls that you can enjoy as friends first. That's the most important things in any relationship, then you will know if you can trust her respect her and everything else. People say that you shouldn't date friends, Isay that is all you should date. Now truthfully they dont have to be friends , what I mean are people you already know.
Also I would say broaden your horizons; if you only date white girls then date black ones to, if you only date short girls date taller girls. I hope you get where i'm going with this and it is helpful.

[0thlon]

Hi all, I have a quick couple questions for you all..

I have a problem with trust..I know it, i can identify were it comes from *last few gfs really just lied to me all the time* So now Im so damn cautious that it feels like I can't trust anyone anymore. Has anyone ever been in this position? Its gotten so bad that I don't even wanna bother with any relationship anymore.. :nuts: Its been like this close to a year now since my last relationship and its worst now then ever b4.

The other question and the other reason I feel like this is, doesn't anyone like subtly and passion anymore? *Thanks Robert Lamm for the song :lol: * I mean it just seems like all ppl what to do anymore is fuck and move on...they dont wanna get close and tease and have fun. Sex to me is an extension of love, not something you share with a stranger on the street or at the bar, doesnt it seem like everything about good old fashion love is dead??


meee toooooo >.< ditto almost to the letter! except i dont know Robert Lamm and change GF to BF :P

i have no advice seeing as i am in the same boat. i can only wish u luck.

[Sisyphus]

*S* Good luck Kitten..i feel for yea *S*