How to bathe....

[osuche]

...a cat :yikes:


I saw this in CL and LMAO.

2 effective Methods on bathing a CAT.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2006-11-21, 10:04AM PST


First Method

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any
purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
_________________________________________________________________

[osuche]

Second Method

1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

[IowaMan]

Can't say I'd want to be anywhere near when that first method was attempted. My friend's cat (who now is the step-kitty to my beagle Sarge) fell into the toilet once and I've never seen an animal freak out so badly. I honestly don't think it was physically possible for him to have even touched the water he jumped out of there and took off so quickly. That was one pissed off cat! :yikes:

[wyndhy]

lol

i had a cat that would to get in the shower with me

[WildIrish]

I kinda like the idea of filling a five gallon bucket 1/4 of the way with warm water and adding soap.

Take your kitty and put it into an empty five gallon bucket and carry it over to the one with water.

In one swift motion, invert the kitty bucket onto the top of the water bucket and shake it like a giant cocktail shaker.

Then throw it as far away from you as you can and run like hell.

[IowaMan]

So you like your pussy "shaken, not stirred," huh WI? :D

[gekkogecko]

Iguanas are so much easier to bathe, except when they don't want to be. And unlike cats, they are visually oreinted so they will notice your odd attire. Yes, this is the voice of experience.

[WildIrish]

Iguanas are so much easier to bathe, except when they don't want to be. And unlike cats, they are visually oreinted so they will notice your odd attire. Yes, this is the voice of experience.


But is it honest when you ask it if "this outfit makes my ass look big"?

[osuche]

:rofl:

You guys are awesome!

[Loulabelle]

LMAO - Having bathed more than one cat in my life, I can relate to this, and would actually veer towards the first method as probably being the least traumatic for both cat and owner, despite its apparent inhumanity, although I have never actually dared follow through on my vows to do it like that 'next time'.

Thankfully, our current moggies have never required a bath, although one of them is partial to sitting in the sink, and then only way to remove him is to start to fill it water. Same cat also took a dip in the aquarium once, and frequently returns to the house pond weed ridden, which I always find amusing.

[LixyChick]

LMAO!

I was a more daring sort and I'd get in the tub with Rocky. I didn't wear anything cause he would shed like crazy and I could just shower off after he was done and out. He had both front and back claws but I rarely got scratched. It's tough to bathe a cat...but not impossible. PF and I discussed it once and he suggested bringing in a debarked (<---Word? Is now!) log, or something that would float, that was big enough for the cat to cling to. Never got to try it but it sounded logical.

[Loulabelle]

Felix used to climb onto my knees in the bath when he was a kitten, but if my knees had gone under the water he'd have freaked out and I'd have been ripped to shreds!

[maddy]

I had to routinely bathe my cat when he was just a wee kitten. Unfortunately he was sickly and had some sort of a weird skin thing that required 2x a week bathing in medicated shampoo. He got to the point where he'd tolerate it.

He wants absolutely nothing to do with getting dried off though. He'd rather sit hunched up glaring at me then let me try to wrap him in a towel or heaven forbid come near him with the hair dryer.

[WildIrish]

I'm pretty much the same way. :p