it hit me today

[rzande1]

You know what it really hit me today. As you know from previous posts (lots) I was in a pretty screwed up situeation. Well Diana wants to be friends with benefits and then date a guy or guys and then if it dont work out come back to me. I asked how long would you date them and she said well it depends. If it works out I could date them for long term. It hit me. Jesus Christ how stupid have I been. Why would I hold out on something like that? I am just a backup and as much as I am in love with her it is crazy. Total Idiotic thinking on my part. I mean come on she wants to date other guys? You know she will become romantically involved and prob meet someone she wants. Where am I stuck then ? In the gutter!!!! Hard up and up shits creek without a paddle. I need to just let go of delusions that she will be mine. Hell I am so stressed out with it my hair is falling out literaly!!!! So I am not going to do this anymore. I am changing. Sure I will be her friend and sure if she is willing to do some wild shit I will but no more wishful loonyland ideas that she will be my wife. Slaps self* I know my self confidence is in the crapper. Actually it is beyond the crapper. I stuck with diana because well honestly she made me feel good about myself. Plus she was hot but that is immaterial. So yea I wanna go out now and enjoy myself. I wanna experience life and not the boredom of staying home waiting for her call. What do you all think? What should I do to get out?

[jseal]

... What should I do to get out?
rzande1,

What intrigues you? What engages your attention? What do you want to do better?

[rzande1]

I dont know. I have had no personal life at all. I basically go to work and come home. I hardly ever go out and if i do it is for food or coffee. I have never been to a party. I have never been to a club. I have been to nothing. Just a bar a couple of times with my friend and his buddies.

[Irezumi Kiss]

There's always chances to get lucky in bars but I've found that it's easier meeting someone when you go to relax for your own self, not when you're in "hunting" mode and prone to set your psyche up for major disappointments if you don't meet someone or you do and don't hook up in the end, irritating your blue funk even further.

Just get out and play the odds in various situations. The point is to enjoy yourself first, not to let other people make your enjoyment for you.

[Loulabelle]

What do you mean when you say, 'sure if she's willing to do some wild shit'? I'm guessing you mean sexual stuff.

DON'T go there. Sex without love is absolutely fine, but you're in love with her, so sex is a bad idea.

I think you need distance from her, a life away from her in which you can become a more interesting (and that'll make you more attractive) person.

[Oldfart]

rzande1

I've been in a relationship where she met someone else for a brief fling, but wanted to keep me on tap.

I gave her a "use-by date" and told her the choice was hers.

She went past the date and wouldn't choose, so I did.

Pissing her off was the best think I'd done in 10 years.

[Loulabelle]

(((((((((OF)))))))))

Good for you honey.

Why is it women are being told left right and centre not to get used by men, yet I see men being trampled underfoot by selfish, silly pathetic women all the time?!

This is the 21st Century boys, it's all about EQUALITY!

[rzande1]

DAMN STRAIGHT LOU!!!! I am 100 percent behind you on that. I see my buddies getting abused like crazy and this is stupid crap. This stereotype that the guy is always at fault is crap.

[Oldfart]

Bottom line is still to find yourself a relationship with trust and general equality and the rest just doesn't rear it's ugly head,

Lift up a corner of trust and you should always find one of the ugly twins, stupidity or respect.

It's all up to you and your next.

[Loulabelle]

DAMN STRAIGHT LOU!!!! I am 100 percent behind you on that. I see my buddies getting abused like crazy and this is stupid crap. This stereotype that the guy is always at fault is crap.

Of course, it's not about who is at fault - allowing yourself to be walked over is as much your fault as it is of the person walking on you.

You're only a victim if you let yourself be one - and these days men seem to be relishing the victim role that women have traditionally occupied.

[rzande1]

How long is it supossed to hurt so bad? Please tell me cause i am heart broken completely even though I am trying to move on.

[Loulabelle]

I think it takes about a year before you are in a place in your head where a new relationship is likely to actually work out.

In the meantime, distraction from your problems can help, just don't use chemical distractions (drink or drugs) as that'll just amplify your issues further down the line.

[IowaMan]

DON'T go there. Sex without love is absolutely fine, but you're in love with her, so sex is a bad idea.

I think you need distance from her, a life away from her......
Lou hits it right on the head here. I was in a similar situation about 18 yrs. ago with my high school/college sweetheart. Things seems so awful at the time but eventually time did heal all of those wounds. Believe it or not there will come a day when you can think about her and remember only how great the good times were and not really even care about the break-up.

Hang in there buddy, you'll make it through all of this. :thumb:

[wyndhy]

it hurts for as long as it hurts. and i'm absolutely positive that dwelling on it will make it take longer.

[LixyChick]

It occurs to me (IMHO) that you only talk to replies in your threads that pertain to answers that you want to hear!

Sorry if that ^^^ sounds harsh...but I can't sit by and watch you disregard all the words of wisdom and experience and pick out only the thoughts that you want to extract that go along the lines of what you are thinking anyway.

I'll explain:

Every thread I've read from you is queried (in essence), "What Would You Do In This Situation"? When the replies come abounding, I've only ever seen a response from you to the answers that you might want to hear.

It takes nothing to be open to our own thoughts! To listen and digest and follow other peeps advice takes an open mind!

We have some very wise people here at Pixies who have been through very much the same thing you are going through and they are TRYING to help you over the hurdles if you'd just listen! Many a youth has come and gone and they look back and say, "Why didn't I take that advice"? Ya wanna know why they didn't take that advice? BECAUSE it wasn't what they wanted to do or hear.

Instead, they took the "go-ahead-with-your-feelings" advice from the one or two who happened to answer/agree with what they were thinking all along. They (personally) didn't have to shoulder the responsibility when it all failed. All they had to say/think to themselves was, "Well...it wasn't my fault because I was advised to do it this way".

Do you hear what I am saying? All arrows point to "GET AWAY FAST...NO HANKY PANKY ANYTIME...EVER...SHE IS USING YOU LIKE A TRAINED DOG AND SHE ISN'T WORTH YOUR URINE TO SUSTAIN HER IF SHE WAS DEHYDRATED!!!!"

Hun...she's a mean, self centered, bitch-of-all-bitches and you are a sap if you continue to let her misuse you!

You have your whole life ahead of you and nary a person has ever died from leaving their "first love" behind. Matter of fact...nary a person is still with their first love (it's very rare).

We fear the future because we can't see it. Imagine a day when you'll laugh about all of this. Imagine a day when your first grandchild sits by you and asks about your first love. Will you tell her/him that you've never gotten over her even though you married somone else? I think NOT! I think you'll look back and smile and say, "It was an experience I learned from and I dated a bit more and then I met your grandmother and I knew she was THE ONE for me"!!!

^^^That's a message you can take to the bank!

So...what say you?

[mummy2be2007]

Hi rzande1,
I do not know the whole story that relvolves around this girl, but from what I have read in what you wrote I am glad that you decided to give up on her, she didn't really seem like the one who was best for a life-long commitment. I am glad that you have been able to realize what she is really like before you made some serious mistakes with her.

As for going out and meeting new people, I am not sure on the surrounding in your area, so I suggest to go soe places where you have interests, such as library, mall, gatherings, bars, clubs, or even try meeting someone through mutual friends

[rzande1]

Well I am going out to coffeeshops and malls. Also bookstores. The thing is that I am totally not well confident in asking women or approaching them. i honestly dont have any idea how to.

[Oldfart]

rzande1

You're still trying.

Don't approach, just let them bump into you.

A little eye contact and a shy smile tells them you're interested, let them make the next move.

[rzande1]

You know it is funny. It is totally ironic that really I have lost the care to even wanna talk to a woman anymore. I just kinda dont wanna bother anymore because of the heartbreak that always comes with it. It is like the stress and all the bs is just not worth it. Yea pretty much i can say I just dont care anymore LOL. I dont even bother looking at women anymore. No it isnt that I am gay but I just lost all those urges. Actually what is really ironic is that if some chick came up to me and talked to me I dont think I would even bother showing interest to her.

[cyote]

It'll take some time, but my suggestion is keep her out of your life - don’t be friends, don’t occasionally boink her, no calls, nothing.

In time your memory of her will fade and by that time, you'll have met someone else.

Good luck to you.

JP

[rzande1]

yea so basically I am still heart broken.

[IowaMan]

Holidays can be tough that's for sure. Believe us though, it really does just take some time. You'll get there. Really, you will.

Try to have a Merry Christmas. There's an awful lot of good things out there to be happy about/thankful for.

[rzande1]

I saw her last night. we were hanging out for dinner and a movie and had sex. It sucks. she was talking to me and crying because she didn't want to hurt me. she said she just didn't understand why she didn't love me like she used to. I am friends with her cause ithat is the kind of person I am. I just don't know. I don't feel bad. I feel nothing.

[Fangtasia]

it really hit me today.
Not bloody hard enough!...Ya need to move on...as you've been told on each thread shitloads of times!!

Slap yaself harder, pick yaself up, dust yaself of, chalk it down to a crappy experience & FFS grab ya life by the horns and go for it!!

[rzande1]

ffs? what is that? Anyway it is starting to leave shock and go into anger.

[Fangtasia]

ffs = for fucks sake

[rzande1]

well on the bright side I got a good contract finally. help me get another too. Anyway I just don't get why I put myself through this. I mean come on she doesn't love me that way and wants to just be my friend. I need to accept that. It is just tough for me. She is the first woman to accept me for who I am and actually take interest in me. No other woman ever has done that. I am scared that no one ever will again. I mean yea she is hot and well it is tough to give her up. I joke I was spoiled with her because I am very unattractive and she is ultra hot. lol I seriously was sitting yeasterday waiting for her to get out of work at the mall and I honestly didn't even notice any women there. I was just in a zombie like state like I always am. lol my friend frank said a woman needs to strip down infront of me and wave those sticks they use at the airport to direct planes to get my attention. It truly is funny too because when she noticed me yeasterday she smiled and waved and it sent such a rush through me. I was feeling depressed and it instantly made me jump for joy. I just want her to be happy.

[rzande1]

It really just hurts so much. I feel so empty without her. I dont know what do do really. I wish I knew what I could do to fix it. I hate to say it but I need a hug. Is it the worst when you loose your first love or does it get worse?

[Fangtasia]

:rolleyes:

[Oldfart]

Almost everyone loses their first love.

It's part of growing up.

We survived, you will too.

[rzande1]

Well I didn't dream of diana last night but rather some random woman I have no idea who she is. I didn't even see her but kinda knew how she looked. oh man christmas eve is tough. I had dreamt of having kids with diana and decorating and giving presents to the kids. :( they need to develop a pill... lol

[denny]

Holy crap, Dude. You are delusional!

You are being used and have not got the sense or the guts to see it for what it is. Forget your stupid dreams and forget this woman. She is destructive for you. Do not fuck her, do not be her friend. Friends don't do what she is doing to you. Move on and do it immediately! Don't wait or pine for this selfish gal.......I don't know how to say it more forcefully. If you can't walk away, I guess you deserve this shit. With that said,

:sad: Best of Luck.

[Coaster]

Holy crap, Dude. You are delusional!

You are being used and have not got the sense or the guts to see it for what it is. Forget your stupid dreams and forget this woman. She is destructive for you. Do not fuck her, do not be her friend. Friends don't do what she is doing to you. Move on and do it immediately! Don't wait or pine for this selfish gal.......I don't know how to say it more forcefully. If you can't walk away, I guess you deserve this shit. With that said,

:sad: Best of Luck.


^^^Amen...... move on already!!!

Good Luck!

[IowaMan]

Oh man, I don't know what to say. I'm not you and I am not going through it like you are right now but man...............

you've got to push yourself away from the table. Dinner's over. Say no to the dessert cart buddy.

[rzande1]

I know a part of me really says I need to just let her go but another part of me says to stick it out. It isnt that I like the abuse or anything. I have invested so much time into her. So much of my heart and soul. She made me feel so loved. I am scared I wont ever feel it again.

[Fangtasia]

Well ya wont while ya keep crapping on like this....get on with the life ffs

[Belial]

I know a part of me really says I need to just let her go but another part of me says to stick it out.


Ever seen those cartoons where one of the characters has an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? Don't listen to the part that says to stick it out.


It isnt that I like the abuse or anything. I have invested so much time into her. So much of my heart and soul. She made me feel so loved. I am scared I wont ever feel it again.

I think I said this once before on this thread. I'll say it again:

You're in a hole. Stop digging.

Find an activity to distract you from her. If that doesn't work, find more activities. Don't leave your mind idle long enough to drift to her.

[sodaklostsoul]

Dude, you need to cut yourself off totally from her. No calls, no letters, just walk away. You will never get over her if you have let yourself have contact with her. You say it's over but then you go back to letting her pull your strings. She's not gonna love you anymore, she broke your heart, now pick up the pieces and MOVE ON!!!!!!!!

Talking with us has not helped it seems, so go talk to a therapist.

[rzande1]

So i was thinking and i realized this whole thing isnt my fault. It is her fault. It isnt my problem. It is her problem. I am and havent done anything wrong to her. I am a great guy and any chick would be lucky to have me. It is her problem that she doesnt realize this and appreciate it. So yea I feel alot better.

[Fangtasia]

Hoofuckingray!

Glad to here it....now get out and get ya life back!

[Oldfart]

Do as Alasse and the others say.

Your other option is to rejoice and embrace the oncoming loco as it chews you to pieces emotionally.

It's your choice and as often as we advise you in the direction of sanity and personal growth, this woman has an elastic band around your emotional balls and until you cut the ties that bind, you're fucked.

[IowaMan]

Do as Alasse and the others say.

Your other option is to rejoice and embrace the oncoming loco as it chews you to pieces emotionally.

It's your choice and as often as we advise you in the direction of sanity and personal growth, this woman has an elastic band around your emotional balls and until you cut the ties that bind, you're fucked.
Yup, what he said.

[Oldfart]

I did, too.

[rzande1]

Today is not a very good day. I just cant stop crying about it. I loved her so much and she squashed my heart.

[Oldfart]

Yup.

You're crying because you're missing someone you are still emotionally tied to.

The only way you'll ever get over this is by strength of will and clever distraction.

The distraction is always your choice.

[rzande1]

I dont know what to do. I feel so empty and dead inside. I feel like i am going to die of a broken heart.

[jseal]

I dont know what to do. I feel so empty and dead inside. I feel like i am going to die of a broken heart.
rzande1,

That part of your life is dead. Renew yourself by becoming involved with and engaged in something you find rewarding before you rot.

[rzande1]

I just can't being her friend. she says I am her best friend. This is what she says. She says she loves me and that I am the perfect guy but she just lacks the attraction that she used to have. :( she wants to try and get closer to me to see if it comes back. She cries about not feeling it for me. I don't know. I really wanted to marry her. I wanted to with all my heart. I freak when I think about some other guy replacing me romantically. I know I am stupid for actually waiting to see if she wants me again but the heart makes u do stupid crap I guess. So I hate to ask but I just need to know that I am a good person. I just need to know.

[1nutworld]

....she says I am her best friend. This is what she says. She says she loves me and that I am the perfect guy but she just lacks the attraction that she used to have. :( she wants to try and get closer to me to see if it comes back.......I know I am stupid for actually waiting to see if she wants me again but the heart makes u do stupid crap I guess. So I hate to ask but I just need to know that I am a good person. I just need to know.
Listen bud,
Everyone here has told you that seeing her is a bad idea. Why aren't you listening?

she says I am her best friend- ok, you are her best friend. It doesn't mean that SHE wants to DATE you, and is in LOVE with you. Why do you want to beat your head against the wall? You DO remember Charlie Brown and Lucy pulling the football away from him don't you?

Tell me, if she loves you, why does she want to be with other guys? Because she lacks the attraction she USED to have. - YOUR words, dude. If that is the case leave her and move on. She's doesn't want to TRY and get it back, she wants to continue to USE you, and you let her.

but I just need to know that I am a good person- how will you feel like a "good person", if you try and find out from a person that is using you, and abusing you??

Never mind the abuse part, she's not abusing you..........YOU are abusing yourself.

[Oldfart]

She wants her cake and to eat it as well, looking for her Mr Perfect while keeping you dangling.

Sometimes the only way to save yourself off a burning boat is to swim through shark infested waters to safety.

Life only holds one guarantee, so stop wasting your time and hers and complete the break.

Good person? Good is as good does, not some innate sanctity, so go out and be good with someone else.

[WildIrish]

So I hate to ask but I just need to know that I am a good person. I just need to know.


What does she have to say?

And why don't you believe her?

[rzande1]

She says I am a great person. She says I am the perfect combination of a guy. She says she loves me totally and completely and that i am basically her perfect mate.

[Oldfart]

Perfect mate requires a level of respect and empathy this one has not shown.

You'd be better in the middle of a pack of sharks in a feeding frenzy. It'd be honest, it'd be quick and you'd not be dragged back, and back, and back. . .

[WildIrish]

And why don't you believe her?

Because she treats you like crap.

[Salacious]

Maybe you stay because you really enjoy the drama of her abuse.

I'd say kick her to the curb and take a class in buidling self-esteem. Find yourself and find some happiness.

Only you can do it.

It starts by telling her... "No."