I'm A Little Confused

[TinTennessee]

I was told today, by a man I'm quite attracted to and have been for years, that he had decided that he wouldn't see me because I was...get this...."such a sweet, nice person" he didn't want to just use me and he was only interested in sex. Apparently, that's what most men that meet me think and apparently I'm the only one interested in more than sex. I just don't get it.

[Lilith]

It seems as if they are trying to be straight with you when maybe you give off a vibe of seeking a LTR not a one night stand. Or if these are men you converse with online they may not be interested in anything more than online. Hopefully this post isn't about someone from Pixies.

What part confuses you? That they just want sex or that they care enough about you but don't want to have a meaningless sex with you?

[TinTennessee]

This is a real life situation Lil and hell, life in general confuses me right now. I just brought this up because my sister and I were discussing something similar the other day about what kind of vibes we give off to people. I was informed by a friend that I give off the "nice girl" vibe and men in general aren't interested in such a person. I guess I wasn't aware that I put off any type of "vibe", but apparently I do....lol I just treat everyone the same, male or female, I'm friendly, but I do have a tendency to nurture my friends. I'm just putting my thoughts on paper so to speak.

[Lilith]

Ok. I see what you are talking about. You are the marrying kind not the carrying on kind as perceived by many men. That can suck when carrying on is often what leads to more than that. I am sure there is someone who will see that you are bits of both and they will relish both aspects of who you are.

[osuche]

(((((T))))))

As an outsider to your community, I can only say that people in your neck of the woods can be very conservative. The dangers of living in a small town in the South are that...well, it's a small town. Could that be part of the problem? As a nice lady (the marrying type) in this type of area, the beau has to be quite serious about a relationship to embark in the first place.

You're a respectable, beautiful woman. You deserve respect. In some ways, I am glad your friend realizes it.

But...you know....sometimes a nice lady can be a little bit naughty. Perhaps the impasse can be solved by a slinky outfit and some alcohol if you're so inclined?

I think what you have to figure out is....is this a polite decline from someone who lacks chemistry with you? Or is he really respecting you? If it's the latter, I bet the restraint borne of respect could be short lived. ;)

[Loulabelle]

I can relate to this too, TinTennessee.

I was always the 'nice girl' whom no-one wanted to hurt. I think it's ridiculous that someone should expect you to determine from the outset whether this is going to be a long term thing or just a quick fling. You have no idea yourself when you first get into it!

The only thing I can say, is that you should communicate that you're not after a huge commitment from someone, but that at the same time, you can never say never to one.

Whatever happened to just seeing what happens?! Men seem to want an insurance policy against hurting and being hurt in a relationship.....NEVER going to happen!

[gekkogecko]

TinTennessee,

I don't think you're the one who is confused here.

[sodaklostsoul]

Ditto^^^^^^^!!

[IowaMan]

I agree that I think the guy is probably confused as well. When you say this is a guy you've been attracted to for years, how long are we talking? It could be a situation where he looks at you as "just a friend" if it's been a real long time. That doesn't mean that he hasn't had thoughts about being with you or that he wouldn't want to be with you now. It actually sounds to me as if he may have been contemplating recently if he indeed wants to see you and figured that by telling you he didn't want to just use you for sex that you would get a deeper respect for him. Sounds stupid I know but sometimes we guys can fuck ourselves over by trying to figure out what sounds most desirable to a lady. We are rarely correct in what we think is right. Well, at least that's what I've found to be my case over the years.

As for giving off the "nice girl" vibe, I'm sort of opposite of the norm I guess because I find that to be an incredible turn on. I'd bet that what osuche said in the last paragraph of her response could be right on the money.

And you know what, it's never a bad thing to be nice. Sometimes there's a time where niceness isn't the most desired quality but I honestly can't think of a situation where at least a little of it doesn't help things out. I don't know that I'd try to make any huge makeover to your personality based upon this one guy. Hopefully you weren't considering doing so.

Hang in there, he'll probably come to his senses soon. ;)

[Oldfart]

Perhaps you are looking at this askew.

If he is a normal man he's probably afraid that he'll fall in love and be trapped.

[Irezumi Kiss]

Or it could be that he's simply afraid of hurting you and the already mutual and casual friendship that you both share with his selfish desires which would most likely come out of a good "playing around" kinda relationship...especially since you've known him for a long time but aren't looking for a deeper love kinda thing.

Then again, there's no rules, no Rosetta Stone to these things. Sometimes it's quite simply a matter of either one is game, or one is not. No-strings sex-for-fun relationships are (relatively) easy to find and start up, but harder to manage, depending on the person.

[TinTennessee]

Thank you all so much for reading and listening to me whine about this. There are a lot of things happening in my life right now, none of them good and the worse being my mom going through chemo, so I think I may be a little over sensitive about things in general (I also have a habit of rambling!) lol. Anyway, after thinking this thing over I sent this man an e-mail telling him that I felt he was under the impression that I was expecting more than "sex" from him and that I knew he wasn't interested in a relationship of anykind. I told him that I had always known this, but respected his wishes and that was the end of that.

Anyway, here I am hangin' in there :) "hugs"