need advice

[bunz_8222]

my /g f found out about a gay experiance i had with a men while i was with her. We had a very good relationship, great sex, a child etc. Ever since she found out she has kicked me out, we no longer live together. It has been a week since she found out and is persistant in saying that there is not hope for us to be together ever again. She says that she is no longer sexually attracted to me and find me and the who idea repulsive and sick.

I understand where she is comming form , this was a 1 time thing it was amistake and i have no intrest in pursuing gay or Bi relationhsips.

I offered to do anything i can to make it work ... she still refuses. Offered to go to councelling , but she still refused.



Anything i can do???
I really want things to work out between us.

[WildIrish]

First of all, let me say that I'm sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend are at odds.

Do you think she took the news of this experience extra hard because it came on the heels of having taken and posted pictures?

[osuche]

As I see it, you broke your relationship covenant if you promised to see her exclusively. Doesn't matter if it was with a man or a woman...it was a breach of faith.

She is within her rights to exclude you from her life from this point forward. You'll have to work to earn her trust back, assuming she is willing to let you try.

I think right now the only thing you can do is be patient with her and let her know that (1) you messed up, and (2) you're willing to work to earn back her trust.

Best of luck!

[Oldfart]

It's a quirk of people that if you have an affair with someone the same sex as your partner, it's a betrayal, but if you have an affair with the opposite sex to the partner, it's saying that you were unhappy with them on a gender basis. This is a much bigger slap in the face and may be unrecoverable.

Good luck.

[Lilith]

I'd suggest you try to get into couple's therapy.

[bunz_8222]

hi


thanks for your great advice... glad everyone is honest i appreciate that.

I'm not sure how to approach this situation.

Its only been 1 week so i hope that because of our situation thing will work out.

I suggested couples therapy but that was turned down on her end.

I know i made a big mistake but after being together for 5 years i was expecting a bit more comsideration from her side.


Do you think that this will pass, once she gets over the initial phases of the situation?

[Lilith]

What consideration did you show her?

Keep suggesting therapy.

[bunz_8222]

i showed her consideration in other aspects, i went through many problems with her. No matter what happened i was there for her even when a few years a go she was not sure if she wants to be with me.

i was expeciting some of that from her also. Some understaning and willingness to work it out.

[rockintime]

I'm sorry to hear both of you are experiencing difficult times.

You've referred TWICE to what you were expecting of her...but...

...your expectations are just that...YOURS. I don't think you have a right to try to place them upon her.

If you've truly clearly and sincerely said to her that you made a mistake, apologized and offered to do whatever it takes to try to fix this, then it sounds like you need to just give her space and time...and hope that she finds it in her heart to forgive you so the two of you can try to work things out. But if she ultimately can't get beyond this, then you both will need to move on with your separate lives.

[WildIrish]

How long ago did the experience happen?

[bunz_8222]

it happened a few months a go


But she found out on Mon last week and told exactly a week a go....almost to the minute.

[jseal]

bunz_8222,

Many people have great difficulty with homosexual behavior. You know, the unnatural / sick / sinful issues. It can be very difficult to get past that. All I can suggest is to be patient, and to try to get a dialog of some form going.

Good luck sir.

[LixyChick]

I have a few questions...

Does your g/f know the person you had the experience with? Is he gay or bi...and known for it?

Did it happen in your home? In the bed you share with her? At a time when she trusted you to be doing something else?

Had you ever discussed doing something of this nature with your g/f before? Did she tell you then that it was unacceptable to her?

How did your g/f find out?

Was your child at the scene (not necessarily in the same room, but under the same roof)?





I have more questions but I'll let you answer these for starters. You don't have to answer them here if you understand where I am going with them.

Oh...and btw...you could start counseling by yourself if she won't go. It'll show sincerity and you might learn how to (a) handle the breakup or (b) earn her trust again. Ya see bunz...we don't know the whole of the story and so we can only go on what you provide. We are not professionals and work off of personal experiences and as if "the something" had happened to us. A professional can delve into you and your experience more deeply and detailed.

Hope this helps!

[Loulabelle]

One question for you:

Did you use protection with this man?

If not, you risked passing on an infection to your girlfriend. Did you consider that you might have exposed her and YOUR OWN child to HIV? This is a huge risk in a heterosexual one night stand, but even more so with a homosexual one.

If I were your girlfriend, I do not think I'd be able to forgive you for putting me at that kind of risk without me having the option to make any choices myself. That level of irresponsibility, lack of consideration and selfishness would make me question your fitness to be my life partner and even be around my child.

Regardless of all of the other aspects of your infidelity, this one alone is big enough for your partner to be justified in ending the relationship. You seem to think she's doing you some kind of a disservice by not taking into account your 5 year relationship. How much account did you take of the relationship, when you got initimate with another person?

If you did use protection and his bodily fluids and yours did not come into contact in ANY way, then good for you. Make sure she knows this, regardless of whether your relationship resumes, to at least set her mind at ease on that score.

If she takes you back....what can I say? She's a better woman than I am.

[Oldfart]

As Lixy said, how she found out may also have a big part in this.

[WildIrish]

I'm still kinda hung up on her finding out right after the picture posting. The infidelity is enough of a breaking of trust, but coming on the heels of posting pics, which requires an ENORMOUS amount of trust...well, it may have made a bad situation even worse.

[Steph]

Besides her & your relationship, are you thinking about your sexuality at all?

[bunz_8222]

HI

well just to answer some questions.


it was mistake, it did not happen in her home or bed or with a child anywhere near us.


it did not go far enough for us to contract ant type of STD or anything like that.

This was my fisr time. I did not like it and that is why i do not question my sexuality. I also mentioned this to her.
This happened once and i do realize the severity of the situation

she isnot very mad at the situation, does not wish to comunicate unless its relating to the daughter.

[cyote]

Dude,

I'd say you messed up pretty good. Regardless of what you may think, she has every right to be pissed and to dump you right on your cheating head, or ass, as the case may be.

I won't offer any advice, but I will say if the outcome is negative for you, it's because you deserve it.

Not hatin' you, just calling it like it is - the bottom line is you cheated on her.

Best,

JP

[LixyChick]

Well...I'm just not clear on several things so I'm sitting this out. I don't like to assume and there are too many unanswered questions.

Beside all the questions I asked that I don't have an answer to, you stated that she is NOT very mad at the situation but does not wish to talk unless it relates to your daughter????? Did you mean she IS very mad? It's a little confusing.

I don't know what to say if I don't know how she found out...but it's ok if you don't want to say.

[south]

From what I read you have a couple of problems...First, if you defined your relationship as monogamous, by having experimenting and quenching your desires, you breached the understanding and trust that is defined by that understanding of what the relationship entails.
If you could not achieve some sort of acceptance from your girlfriend before the incidence and make her part of it in some way you are guilty of being not only unfaithful but also selfish.
Now you are looking for forgiveness under the hopes of compassion. Wow, what planet are you on?
What would you do, and how would you feel if the situation was reversed?
Breaching trust is never a good thing and not a sign that you truly love that person. Asking for forgiveness and getting it will never bring back that trust. What you need is understanding….Ask for that, but don’t ask someone to value something that you discount.

[Oldfart]

I'd really like to hear her take on this. Shame.