Doesn't want sex???

[Missy1965]

Is it normal for a man to not want sex after being in a relationship for many years? We have been together so long and he says it isn't me and for me to not take it personal but how can I not feel that way especially when you love someone? Do men go through some sort of menopause? This is really hurting me and I don't know what to do.

[osuche]

Yes, sometimes it's male "menopause" == men's hormone levels do adjust as they get older. Some men feign disinterest so they don't have to admit they're incapable.

Also, you might want to explore whether there are larger emotional issues the two of you need to sort out. For instance, I've learned (after many years of quasi-celibacy) thta my husband needs more romance and TLC than I do. I am *always* ready for sex -- he needs to be romanced to get in the mood. It took me a long time to learn thhis (he doesn't verbalize these issues well), but now I can compensate. We're both happier.

Also -- are there any stress issues at work or home? Stress does funny things to some people, such as robbing the libido.

Either way, I hope you find a solution. Good luck.

[Debbie_007]

Just as a point of interest, male "menopause" is called "Andropause".

[LixyChick]

Hiya Missy...so nice to see you again!

A few questions first, ok? To refresh our memory.

How long is "many years" in your relationship?
How old is your man and what is your age difference?
Has there ever been a "dysfunction" before or during sex...ie:loss of errection...etc?
Is your man on ANY prescription meds? Any OTC meds?


It's said that women "peak" in their 30's and 40's...and men "peak" in their late teens and 20's. Life never has been fair and equal but <---that sucks if it's true, huh? Talk about two ships passing in the night! Geezzzzzzz!

Anyway, I always go by the rule..."For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"...meaning, there is a cause for your man's "effect". You both just have to find the cause of the effect.

Male menopause is subjective and can sometimes be used as an excuse for another, possibly more "embarrassing", problem/condition. For some reason (men from mars, women from venus) men can brag themselves up when the libido is in full functional swing...but go into a shell when the swing stops swinging. You'd think that's when they'd shout from the rooftops..."I NEED HELP"!!!!!

I mean, it's not as if it's their fault persay. Unless it's just disinterest...in which case it stands to be determined...and we should wait to jump to that conclusion (taking his reasoning at face value for now) till you can eliminate any and all other possibilities.

Let's try to get to the bottom of this...k?

[scotzoidman]

To add a male perspective, I'd say all the ladies answers are true...there's a need for more info here, but if he says it's not you, & not to take it personally, I suggest you take it at face value...but to get to the heart of the problem, he's gotta let you in...& that's something that's very hard for a lot of guys to do...remember, we've grown up with all the mostly BS images of what makes a man a man...men don't cry, & definitely men don't cry for help...even if he's bleeding to death inside...

[bare4you]

I agree with scotzoidman....men have been taught to not show their emotions nor should they open up and share. Even in today's enlightened times, men are more likely to keep things to themselves for fear of showing any sign of weakness.

I went through the stage you described myself and even though I've realized I need to change, old habits are hard to break.

If he says it isn't your fault, believe him. You should keep trying to talk about it, but don't get discouraged if he doesn't want to talk right away. I learned a long time ago that things eventually work out and when they do, you'll be the stronger for it.

[Sugarsprinkles]

One other possibility is that it could be medical rather than psychological. I'm dealing with the same situation at home, Missy. But he refuses help and there's nothing I can do. The frustrating thing with my situation is that he seems to have come to terms with his situation but just doesn't understand why I can't. It's become that proverbial elephant that sits in the middle of the room and no one talks about it. We don't discuss it anymore, it's not worth the tears and begging. So I just spend my time here, and it does help relieve the tension. If you want to talk futher, please IM me or e-mail me.

[scotzoidman]

It's very likely that it is a physical problem, at least at the basis...the psychological problem comes about (probably) because he doesn't want to talk about it, with anybody, because that would mean facing the issue...as for why he doesn't want to face it, see the statements above...

[Oldfart]

Any history of high blood pressure?

[LixyChick]

Missy?

*chanting...patience is a virtue, patience is a virtue*

[jjintxs]

I went through the same with my wife when I was 32. It wasn't her, I just had no sexual desire. I too was too much of the "man" that I thought I was supposed to be instead of the man that should've asked for help. She sought her needs elsewhere and we divorced. I am very close friends with a doctor and boy was it hard to tell my friend that I wasn't interested in sex and that the lil man down stairs wasn't either. I figured he'd give me all kinds of hell. Instead he said it may be a physical problem (go figure). I went to his office and had some blood tests done. My testosterone levels had dropped to that of a 50-60 year old and the cortisol levels where inflated (cortisol is linked to giving men the beer belly or causing fat to build in that specific area). He gave me a shot of testosterone cyponate and within a day or two, a little breeze had the little man standing like a flag pole and all I could think about was jumping in the sack. After doing some research, testosterone cyponate is also used by body builders, but I've seen no such effects on me (probably because of such low dosage taken). Back then (early 90's) it was relatively easy for the doctor to get/give cyponate. Now (late 90's til now anyway), cyponate is considered a controlled substance (due to body builders abusing it and the black market). So my buddy could no longer prescribe it to me. In 2000 (I think) a new drug was invented as a cream that one can mearly rub in on the shoulders, upper arm, or abdomen. It is called AndroGel. Taken daily, all signs of no or low sex drive are gone. Hope this helps!

[rabbit]

Missy, how old is he?

[kitana]

so with men does it get better when they hit early to mid and late 30's?

[scotzoidman]

so with men does it get better when they hit early to mid and late 30's?
Sadly, that only seems to be true for women, men hit our peak much earlier...altho I have to say that being with a woman who is hitting her sexual peak in her 30's can be a lot of fun for the man trying to keep up with her ;)

[Cjack]

Mens bodies do change with age and it has nothing to do with a lack of attraction to his mate. That is why many women love one man but enjoys sex with others.