View Full Version : College and no life
rzande1
10-07-2005, 09:25 PM
Ok, I go to a huge university in chicago. Here is the thing. I commute there and basically have no life. Had one gf about one year and three months ago that was a total disaster even though we lasted for over a year. So yea my problem is I am incredibly shy. Basically if I was given the option to jump out a 5th floor window or talk to a chick I would take the window. I need advice!!! I am dying here. Please help.
Teddy Bear
10-07-2005, 10:13 PM
ok, people who know me are going to laugh at this... I'm shy too. Use to be alot worse then I am now. Now its mostly large gatherings that get to me.
In high school I was painfully shy. But like you it bothered me & I knew I had to change. I used my college campus to do it. I figured new surroundings & new people. I decided to do one "un-shy" thing everyday the first month.
Just saying 'hi' to a stranger would make me light-headed, shakey and break out in a cold sweat. Many days I didn't follow through. But after awhile smiling at somebody & saying hi was fairly easy. So 2nd semester I decided that at least once a week I had to say more then hi & actually talk with someone. OMG, talk about panic attacks!!
I still hesitate when meeting new people & wait for them to talk 1st and I'm not good at carrying a conversation. But for the most part it worked for me. It was a long slow change. Give it a try... small steps until one day you can say hi to the pretty girl in history class without having a heart attack.
Good luck!!
scotzoidman
10-07-2005, 10:24 PM
Can't rule out that some level of social anxiety disorder may be involved, in which case there may be a chemical cure...I'm just shy myself, but wife has a genuine fear of being out among crowds, which she copes with well enough to work but doesn't evereverever leave the house otherwise...
Teddy Bear
10-07-2005, 10:40 PM
Very true scotzoid, hadn't thought of that.
rzande1, have you mentioned your shyness to your doctor? Wouldn't hurt.
fredchabotnick
10-07-2005, 10:57 PM
Can't rule out that some level of social anxiety disorder may be involved, in which case there may be a chemical cure...I'm just shy myself, but wife has a genuine fear of being out among crowds, which she copes with well enough to work but doesn't evereverever leave the house otherwise...
This is very true. It may also be psychological. I spent many years deathly afraid of people, not crowds, but individuals. I would literally make worry so much about what I was doing that I would make myself sick (sometimes to the point of throwing up). It took a long time to realize that I could be ok around people.
But I digress. Teddy Bear is right, it's a slow step by step process. Find something you like and know about and see if there's a group that is also interested in it. You're not looking for a date, just practice speaking to people, and it's always easier when you can speak with some confidence.
Good luck. And hey, Chicago is great, wander downtown, I'm sure you can find something to do.
rzande1
10-07-2005, 11:10 PM
Yea I wouldnt doubt it. My best buddy thinks I have depression, social anxiety disorder, panic problems, etc. He takes me to a bar and i practically crawl up into the corner and rock back and forth. I mean it is bad already because on one had i have no problems if it is entirely professional. If it is personal, i am totally lost. I mean it cant be normal to be in college, be a senior, and have yet to hit on any woman. If a chick starts to talk to me i am like running as fast as possible.
fredchabotnick
10-07-2005, 11:37 PM
Been there. Hope to never go back. You can do this, though. It's not easy, but you can do it.
rzande1
10-08-2005, 12:20 AM
I mean what am i going to do to fix this? How do i change from total indifference and fear to an outgoing pimp (LOL)?
Lilith
10-08-2005, 04:24 PM
Paxil :D
What is the very worst thing that could happen if you went out and talked to a girl???
rzande1
10-08-2005, 06:32 PM
Well lets see here. With my luck there is 1)them saying no way in hell 2) them saying i am calling the cops 3)are you a woman? 4) hitting me 5)anything else that i cant think of.
maddy
10-08-2005, 06:35 PM
I know it's hard to be rational when fear is involved, but if she's calling the cops from a simple hello, she's got bigger problems than you do ;). And for the rest of those - well at least they won't kill ya, and what doesn't kill ya only makes you stronger.
rzande1
10-08-2005, 07:05 PM
Yes but still. Women are intimidating. So far I have had nothing but bad luck. Hell one chick wouldnt even tell me if she had a bf only to find out her bf was in my class LOL. Plus i totally have like no experience in this at all. I mean like i joke around they forgot to send me the memo on all this stuff LOL.
FussyPucker
10-08-2005, 09:33 PM
Hi rzande1
Do you make up poor excuses for not going out on social occasions? "I'm not feeling well", "I have loads of work to do" or maybe "Yeah sure I'll meet you there" when you actually have no intention of actually turning up not just now and again but virtually every time you're invited out.
Do you go all hot and sweaty when presented with this kind of situation, feel like you're trapped and need to just hide away somewhere like a toilet because you know no one will follow you in there and you can spend a few minutes composing yourself before getting back out there? Do you find it easier talking to people online rather than face to face? If you've been to a place before and you didn't freak out too much are you more willing to go there in the future? When you commute into college do you keep to the same journey every day? Do you start to get anxious if your bus/train looks like it might be late? To the point where you again feel like you need to get back to a safe place and maybe even go home and just pretend you're sick that day?
When you're in a comfortable situation do you come out of yourself and become very social? maybe even really over the top?
Do you kid yourself that you'll have more fun staying home and watching TV or playing on your computer than going out into the real world?
If this is you (notice I've not even mentioned girls) then I would suggest there may well be a medical problem. Once you get the above sorted then the whole girl thing will sort itself out!
So what do you need to fix the problem? Here's what I had to fix me:
A wonderful doctor who was very sympathetic
Seroxat (known as Paxil in the US)
Lilith (Who suggested I might have social anxiety and whipped me until I went to see a doc THANK YOU lil! :x: )
and Loulabelle who wasn't turned off by the thought of a potential boyfriend with what is to all intents and purposes is a mental illness.
What would I have if I didn’t make the changes??
Well I got made redundant from my job the day I started on Seroxat I’m sure a big contributing factor was the time I refused to work for a couple of days in an office a couple of hundred miles away from my comfortable office.
Living with my parents feeling safe and never going out spending all my money and time on computers so I could chat to people.
Generally being miserable!
What is my life like because I made the changes?
I’ve been through a couple of jobs got myself a great job after being more comfortable and confident in interviews (actually got offered 3).
I’ve been to Italy twice to appear in small movies!
I’ve moved out of my parents house to live with Lou 90 miles away from “home”
3years down the line and Lou n I are now married and went all the way to Bali to do it!!
Lilith
10-08-2005, 09:36 PM
:hug:
well maybe one thing you can learn in your open discussion here on this thread .... you're not alone ... very few people have it all figured out ... public speaking is hands down the biggest fear in the western world .... and speaking to people you don't know yet ... well, its very similar to public speaking in that regard ... it's not easy .... is there something you do or read or listen to that helps get you in a bit more of a social mood ... if so, make use of that as a way to psych yourself up prior to events that may present an opportunity to meet others ....
One of my favorite quotes goes something like this .... when we first do something new that is very difficult, it is nearly impossible to do, but then as we continue to do it, it becomes easier, not that the nature of the task becomes easier, but our ability to do it is increased .... TeddyB's comments are so on target .... but if you suffer major physical reactions, then also consult with a physician, they do have a variety of treatments (not all of them chemical) to help people deal with anxiety issues.
Best of luck!
rzande1
10-12-2005, 10:21 PM
So guess what. I met this chick that showed interest in me and it took me all of one hour to figure out she was a total asshole. I totally can pick them eh.
Lilith
10-13-2005, 05:21 AM
rzande1 it takes some of us years to realize someone is an asshole. Don't be down, be grateful. You didn't waste an hour, you saved yourself a couple of years and alimony payments:D
fredchabotnick
10-13-2005, 07:56 PM
No kidding. It takes me weeks to figure that out. If even then.
Loulabelle
10-21-2005, 11:53 PM
So what do you need to fix the problem? Here's what I had to fix me:
A wonderful doctor who was very sympathetic
Seroxat (known as Paxil in the US)
Lilith (Who suggested I might have social anxiety and whipped me until I went to see a doc THANK YOU lil! :x: )
and Loulabelle who wasn't turned off by the thought of a potential boyfriend with what is to all intents and purposes is a mental illness.
What would I have if I didn’t make the changes??
Well I got made redundant from my job the day I started on Seroxat I’m sure a big contributing factor was the time I refused to work for a couple of days in an office a couple of hundred miles away from my comfortable office.
Living with my parents feeling safe and never going out spending all my money and time on computers so I could chat to people.
Generally being miserable!
What is my life like because I made the changes?
I’ve been through a couple of jobs got myself a great job after being more comfortable and confident in interviews (actually got offered 3).
I’ve been to Italy twice to appear in small movies!
I’ve moved out of my parents house to live with Lou 90 miles away from “home”
3years down the line and Lou n I are now married and went all the way to Bali to do it!!
*smiling and crying*
Oh babes....I love you. xxx
rzande1 - listen to this man....he could help you a lot. x
rzande1
11-24-2005, 10:59 PM
Well still nothing at all. I guess I am not cut out for this game of manipulation and bad intentions.
bare4you
11-26-2005, 04:54 PM
Just shows you are a person of principle and will not be taken advantage of. Keep at it - and don't be in too much of a hurry. Good things happen to those that wait. Don't rush into any situation just cuz you feel like you need to be in a hurry!
rzande1
11-27-2005, 12:30 AM
I just dont get how all these total MORONS of guys have these girlfriends that fall all over for them and yet I am almost the perfect bf (as i have been described) and yet my ex cheated on me after 14 months.
rzande1
11-27-2005, 12:31 AM
P.S. I asked this chick out from one of my classes today. Still havent got a reply. That was an hour and a half ago. :(
rzande1
11-27-2005, 01:24 PM
up to 14 hours now.
Fangtasia
11-27-2005, 01:35 PM
Because most morons are confident and don't stand around whinging that their lovelife stinks....they get out there and do something about it
fredchabotnick
11-27-2005, 08:07 PM
up to 14 hours now.
Speaking from experience, if you're counting the time, you're just going to drive yourself nuts. You've asked, you've done what you can and it's now in her court.
rzande1
11-28-2005, 12:31 AM
Well it is resolved. Her response.....to not respond at all!?!?!?!
Yes....I quit LOL.
Maybe you can take up a hobby. It will make those 14 hour wait-a-thons pass by more pleasurably.
FussyPucker
11-28-2005, 01:30 AM
I did forget to mention that it's always possible that you don't have any more serious a problem than just being someone who loves to moan about how unpopular you are with the ladies. If you do spend all your time whinging about this stuff you're not going to get anywhere and you'll rapidly lose the support of people who'll get sick of hearing about it.
rzande1
11-28-2005, 12:05 PM
I am starting to think this is all a joke to some of you.
What do you want from us here?
Do you want our sympathy and to feel sorry for you? You have posted two threads and there has been some darn good advise sent your way, but you are not hearing any of it.
Why is that? Could it be your too wrapped up in bitterness and feeling sorry for yourself? Are you in too much pain to realize what is being offered to you? No one here is going to call your ex names or tell you that she is not worthy of you.
To me it seems this is what you want. We all need validation, but this is not the way to find it for it must come from within you. You must learn to be comfortable in your own skin. You must feel good about yourself because of who you are, not because you feel your a guy that was a great boyfriend and now has been shit on.
It is you who must seek the remedy for your feelings of low self esteem and if your feeling as bad as you relay here, then maybe it should be done through some time and patience along with some professional help.
lPeople hurt people everyday. That's life and although it sucks, it is how we learn to deal with life and adapt to adversity when it arises.
No one here has a magic word to make things right for you. Just remember this....a person must feel good about themselves before they are any good for another in a relationship. You both have to be on equal footing and one partner cannot bloom in the shadow of another.
You really should try to talk to someone face to face who is qualified to help you sort out why you feel the way you do.
...just my two cents and goodluck
Try getting involved in study groups with your different classes. It's a great way to socialize without feeling any pressure. This may help you break the ice and someone may come on to you.
rzande1
11-28-2005, 05:47 PM
See even like my best friend said. My entire social life suffers because I commute to school instead of just living on campus. Well at least for my PhD program I am going to be living on campus so that SHOULD help a bit.
Loulabelle
11-29-2005, 03:00 AM
I am starting to think this is all a joke to some of you.
It's a shame that you think that.
Fussypucker poured out his soul to you in his first reply on this thread. He gave you practical, sensitive advice from his own personal experience of depression, social anxiety and lonliness. He shared things on this thread, of which I, his own wife, only had an inkling before, purely in order to HELP YOU.
However since you didn't even acknowledge what he had to say, let alone act on any of the advice given by him or anyone else, I'm afraid it's easy to conclude that not even you are taking your problems seriously.
Forgive us if some of have made light of your situation, but you've made light of our advice, and yet continue to seek it.
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