Am I overreacting?

[ILikeItRough]

OK, heres the story. I recently found out that my fiance (who is straight) had sex and did a bunch of other things with his best friend a few years ago-more than once. This was a long time before he and i started dating...
but after he told me i couldnt help but feel extremely jealous. I mean, the thought of him with another guy was actually arousing until i found out about this. Now whenever he wants to see or talk to his friend i get really jealous and mad at him and it always starts fights.

I dont want to feel like this, i know he was just "experimenting" and that he wouldnt do it again-at least not without telling me, and that it was really nothing, but i cant help it. I dont want this to continue because its his best friend, and lately he hasnt been talking to his friend because of me (i didnt ask him to, hes just doing it to avoid confrontation) But i dont want him to have to stop talking to his best friend because i have some issues with all of this... know what i mean?

So what i want to know is, am i overreacting? how can i quit being such a bitch about this????

[Incubus255]

well see what happens when you ask a guy to be honest about things

seriously though your making too much out of it , sounds like you've already convinced yourself that your overreacting from the way you talk

I bellieve the underlieing issue here lies in a lack of confedence with yourself, really your the one he's with now, it was a long time ago, move on and be happy , don't keep beating yourself about it

[BigBear57]

I think the fact he was willing to share his history with you should tell you something. It takes a lot of trust to admit that I think. Try to focus on that. Insecurities about the past have ruined multitudes of pairings. If you love him, live in the present.

[lonelyarmywife]

Smart man^^^^

I know what it feels like to come between a lover and their best friend. My husband and I have been there before, although for completely different reasons. You don't feel right about it at all, but at the same time, deep down you are a little relieved.
These are YOUR issues to get over. It doesn't mean he loves you less, and you know it's not going to happen again (without your knowledge). I know you know all this in your head, but your heart is the one leading the show right now. It will take time, but you will be able to deal with this. Giving the two of them some space might be a good idea - it will prove to you that nothing is going to happen if they are together.

With that said.
Depending on the status of your relationship, if this continues to be an issue, i do feel that you are within your rights to ask them not to be together outside of your presence. Not everyone will agree with me on this, I'm sure but that's just the way I feel.

My sympathies are with you. This is a sticky situation.

[jseal]

ILikeItRough,

I agree with BigBear57. If you love him, live in the present. You cannot change his past, and you should not want to. This part of his past which you have difficulty with is part of the man you find attractive. We all have secrets – he trusted you enough to let you in on one of his.

[wyndhy]

talking about it more will, well... it'll sorta desensitize you to it, so i'd suggest you talk some more about it with him. i can see you think you are overreacting and i'd have to agree. it bother's you, and that's cool and totally natural, but like you said it happened a long time ago, before you even started dating, let alone fell in love.

and to get yourself to stop obsessing and bitching about it? when you talk about it, ask him to tell you straight up if he'd ever do it again and to lay out exactly how he feels about you. then, take him at his word. trust him. if you find you can't believe him, then perhaps there are other, deeper issues that this secret has exposed....something maybe you are subconsciously tacking on to this issue.

[BIBI]

I can see trusting someone enough to share info about past sexual dalliances, but I would not share names too. That was unfair to you and his friend IMO anyway......

You are not being a bitch about this at all.

Your bubble has been burst and it will take time and effort from you and your boyfriend to work through your angst about this news. Just keep the lines of communication open and hopefully you can put this behind the two of you.

Does the friend know he told you? If he does maybe he would agree to talk to you and allay your fears and calm your uneasiness about the two of them.

[osuche]

I think it's best to explore the "why" behind how it happened.

Were they both just horny and curious.....or is there a lot of honest caring there?

If it's the former there is no threat to your relationship. If it's the latter then there might be a reason to be jealous.

[txgrneyes]

ILikeItRough,

I agree with BigBear57. If you love him, live in the present. You cannot change his past, and you should not want to. This part of his past which you have difficulty with is part of the man you find attractive. We all have secrets – he trusted you enough to let you in on one of his.

I agree!

Besides, everything that happens in the past is what makes you who you are now. So enjoy the present and if it does bother you....talk, not argue, about it.

Natalie

[Oldfart]

Live in the now or live in the then, your choice.

In your heart you seem to have already accepted that there is room for more

in their relationship which will push you away.

Check your true feelings and make a decision.

[ILikeItRough]

thanks guys i really appreciate it.
i wish i wasnt such a bitch sometimes, it pisses me of lol


:bang: <----i love that smiley!

[Lilith]

embrace your bitchiness...it's not all bad

[Aqua]

Overreacting? I think so, but that's based on my own experience. I had a similar experience with one of my best friends several years ago and it's not something he and I are likely to ever do again. The only exception being if our respective SO's got together and insisted on it and promised a special show of their own after. As osuche suggested, find out if it was merely an outlet to get off. That was the case for my friend and I and the last time we had any sexual contact was at the request of our previous SO's.

[Mark Vieth]

The old saying let sleeping dogs lay applies here I think. If it is something that happened in his past, so be it. Focus on the "now" instead of the "then."

I don't know why he told you in the first place. Did he want you to get angry? Does he realise that he has hurt you?

I know for one if I ever did anything like this in my past, I wouldn't be telling any of my SO's coz they don't need to know. This is exactly why he shouldn't have told you. I mean did you really need to know about his past? No of course not. What is to stop them from going off and doing it again? Now that he knows you know, he can see how angry/pissed off you get and he may end up doing it again with his friend.

The other way you could handle this also is turn this around on everyone. Ask them to show you what they did, who knows you may actually get turned on and join in.

Either way it is up to you.

[ILikeItRough]

we talked about it and all... him and his friend were watching porn and were really horny so they were "experimenting" which i dont see anything wrong with so i really dont understand why i was such a bitch about it.

the reason he told me is because we are extremely open with each other. we dont really hold ANYTHING back. and when i had asked him if he had ever thought about doing it with another guy before, thats when he told me. And i had told him several times before that, that the thought of him with another guy was a very arousing thought.

Its STILL an arousing thought to think of him with any other guy except a guy he actually knows, which i really dont understand.

but anyways, thank you guys for your imput. it helped. now to try working this one out.

*sigh* i hate being a bitch like this. it makes me feel like shit afterwards. NO MI GUSTA!

[ILikeItRough]

embrace your bitchiness...it's not all bad

lol.

[Mark Vieth]

we talked about it and all... him and his friend were watching porn and were really horny so they were "experimenting" which i dont see anything wrong with so i really dont understand why i was such a bitch about it.

the reason he told me is because we are extremely open with each other. we dont really hold ANYTHING back. and when i had asked him if he had ever thought about doing it with another guy before, thats when he told me. And i had told him several times before that, that the thought of him with another guy was a very arousing thought.

Its STILL an arousing thought to think of him with any other guy except a guy he actually knows, which i really dont understand.

but anyways, thank you guys for your imput. it helped. now to try working this one out.

*sigh* i hate being a bitch like this. it makes me feel like shit afterwards. NO MI GUSTA!

Well maybe talk to him some more about it and ask him to show you. Don't get jealous or whatever just coz he is enjoying it with a guy. People freak out when they see their SO's getting off from somebody else. If you still have anxieties about it then let him know that this is something that you will need time to adjust to. Only you will know how long that will be.

[Liam_Parry]

Time is a great healer.

In the past, girlfriends have revealed to me secrets about their sexual past which really did mess me up in ways very similar to those that you describe. I get a lot of jealousy about past lovers sometimes, which is quite frankly ridiculous -and I know it. It's a symptom of my love and protectiveness of my girl -overprotectiveness, perhaps. But once you know this, you can keep your behaviour in check and not let it become a deep rift, but rather a bond.

In time, the feelings will pass and all that will remain is the closeness afforded by sharing a personal secret.