wanderingsoul
08-22-2005, 09:07 PM
Ok, I'm a bit depressed right now so basically you can ignore what I'm saying here. It's just that I've got to get all this stuff off my chest and I know the few friends I have are all to busy to hear me ramble on.
First off, I joined myspace.com a little while back. At first I was estatic because of the simple amount of people that actually lived close by. I was even able to meet up with two women and one ended with me going down on her. However, since then it's pretty much been all down hill. I tried to IM one of the girls and she never even replied. The other girl that I went down on, we get along great but to make a long story short, she's just WAAAAAAAAY too busy to have any type of a regular relationship with anyone.
For a while now I've been saying that I don't want a girlfriend and that was true at one time but not anymore. I miss being able to just lay on each others chest while we watch a movie or something gently caressing each others skin. I miss having someone to say goodmorning to me without having to say it to her first. I miss having someone to complain to about how bored I am. I miss having someone that's close enough to be able to come over and think of something a little naughty and/or kinky to keep me occupied. I miss having someone to snuggle up with and not have to say a word when either or both of us has had a bad day. I miss having a reason to wake up in the morning that I just can't resist no matter what time it is.
I've been asking myself a lot of questions lately and I just can't seem to come up with many answers if any. The biggest question I've been asking myself is simply what I have to offer someone. I have no money to really speak of, no job because I'm on disability, crappy car and clothes, live with my mom and don't want to change that, and no real goals in life. I feel like while everybody else is either taking off full speed ahead or others who are already halfway down the track, and I'm stuck at the beginning just spinning wheels.
I know it's hard to understand but in all honesty, I'm at a point in my life where I have everything I'll ever want except somebody to share it with. I'm happy living with my mom because she helps me just as much as I help her. Plus with her working nights, we hardly ever even see each other so we both have plenty of space and privacy. I live in an area where as long as I keep a rather large pile of dirt ($100 to my door at most) dumped in my back yard I can fire all the guns I want and nobody around here even cares. Now that I've gotten rid of the wife and I've been able to prove to social security that I'm broke as hell they're actually willing to give me a fairly decent amount of money every month. It's more than enough for me to support myself and help support my mom and when I need more money I have access to more work than I can handle. I've never wanted to be rich, I've never wanted to live in a big mansion on a hill, all I ever wanted was to be comfortable. Comfortable to me is having enough money to pay all the bills and to be able to go to the grocery store and just get what is needed without looking at the price.
Right now, I'm comfortable but I don't have anyone to be comfortable with and in my opinion having one without the other is no better than having none at all.
I guess I'll end this rambling by asking any who care to answer, what do I have to attract someone? Whether I am a good man is not a question to me, I know that I am and I know that someday that'll be enough to have a woman to love me with all her heart. The problem is, I have nothing to attract that woman. At best I'm only slightly better than average when it comes to looks. I'm a loner and even when I go out it shows and it's like I'm walking around with some type of invisible shield that keeps anyone from being interested in me. I just don't know what to do, where to go, or how I'm going to get there.
In closing I'd like to thank all of you who cared about me enough, or was just bored enough, to read this much. Unfortunatly, even I'll admit that it was a waste of time.
First off, I joined myspace.com a little while back. At first I was estatic because of the simple amount of people that actually lived close by. I was even able to meet up with two women and one ended with me going down on her. However, since then it's pretty much been all down hill. I tried to IM one of the girls and she never even replied. The other girl that I went down on, we get along great but to make a long story short, she's just WAAAAAAAAY too busy to have any type of a regular relationship with anyone.
For a while now I've been saying that I don't want a girlfriend and that was true at one time but not anymore. I miss being able to just lay on each others chest while we watch a movie or something gently caressing each others skin. I miss having someone to say goodmorning to me without having to say it to her first. I miss having someone to complain to about how bored I am. I miss having someone that's close enough to be able to come over and think of something a little naughty and/or kinky to keep me occupied. I miss having someone to snuggle up with and not have to say a word when either or both of us has had a bad day. I miss having a reason to wake up in the morning that I just can't resist no matter what time it is.
I've been asking myself a lot of questions lately and I just can't seem to come up with many answers if any. The biggest question I've been asking myself is simply what I have to offer someone. I have no money to really speak of, no job because I'm on disability, crappy car and clothes, live with my mom and don't want to change that, and no real goals in life. I feel like while everybody else is either taking off full speed ahead or others who are already halfway down the track, and I'm stuck at the beginning just spinning wheels.
I know it's hard to understand but in all honesty, I'm at a point in my life where I have everything I'll ever want except somebody to share it with. I'm happy living with my mom because she helps me just as much as I help her. Plus with her working nights, we hardly ever even see each other so we both have plenty of space and privacy. I live in an area where as long as I keep a rather large pile of dirt ($100 to my door at most) dumped in my back yard I can fire all the guns I want and nobody around here even cares. Now that I've gotten rid of the wife and I've been able to prove to social security that I'm broke as hell they're actually willing to give me a fairly decent amount of money every month. It's more than enough for me to support myself and help support my mom and when I need more money I have access to more work than I can handle. I've never wanted to be rich, I've never wanted to live in a big mansion on a hill, all I ever wanted was to be comfortable. Comfortable to me is having enough money to pay all the bills and to be able to go to the grocery store and just get what is needed without looking at the price.
Right now, I'm comfortable but I don't have anyone to be comfortable with and in my opinion having one without the other is no better than having none at all.
I guess I'll end this rambling by asking any who care to answer, what do I have to attract someone? Whether I am a good man is not a question to me, I know that I am and I know that someday that'll be enough to have a woman to love me with all her heart. The problem is, I have nothing to attract that woman. At best I'm only slightly better than average when it comes to looks. I'm a loner and even when I go out it shows and it's like I'm walking around with some type of invisible shield that keeps anyone from being interested in me. I just don't know what to do, where to go, or how I'm going to get there.
In closing I'd like to thank all of you who cared about me enough, or was just bored enough, to read this much. Unfortunatly, even I'll admit that it was a waste of time.