Life Support

[Kaelynn]

Ok so I don't know how to introduce this so I am jumping right in...

My grandmother has been in intensive care or a hospital of some type since Christmas. We have almost lost her several times. She has had several heart attacks, a stroke, pnemonia(sp), a flesh eating disease, and some blood disease. When we first almost lost here I cried a great deal and accepted the fact that she was going to die. I then decided I had to be strong for my mom because I knew this was going to be hard on her. My grandmother keeps pulling strength out of no where and comes back to us. Well last week we got her off the ventalator and she was off for a full week, in the middle of that week however her trache fell out (that round thing in the neck if I spelt that wrong). There was a doctor on call that couldn't get it back in caused her to lose a lot of blood, well she asperated some of that blood and now has come down with her second case of pnemonia, diagnosed yesturday. I really don't think she is going to pull out of it...

Some background, I was taking classes about an hour away during the first six monthes of her being in the hospital so I was away and able to deal with it when I had time and on my own terms. I also had friends to hug and hold me when I was crying and help me deal. Now that I am home for the summer I don't have any close friends nearby, and everyday my mom goes to the hospital my mom makes me go as well.

I love my grandma, I was her favorite, it's not that I don't want to see her, it's just that I want to remember her as who she was, not an invalid in a bed who can't talk. All of the things that she loved to do, she can't now, nothing kills me more, she looks so sad. I remember back when we went to church together she would tell me, I just can't wait to go home... my question is... why won't she go, why won't he take her?? She is in so much pain, and she hurts so bad... you can just see it in her face.

Right now I am having trouble dealing, I can't cry in front of my mom for several reasons I don't want to get into. I need talk with someone but all my friends have work in the morning or I am unable to talk to. I don't know who really to turn to without sounding like some whinney kid. I'm not depressed, I just have this lonely open gapping hole suddenly...

So to turn this out of a self pitty party I have questions for all of you... Do you want to be a DNR (Do Not Revive(sp))? Which means no CPR, no help breatheing, and I am not sure what else, basically no life support. At what point did you decide you wanted to be a DNR? I feel right now if something happened to me I would want everyone to do what they could to help me live, I'm not ready to go. Lastly does your decision of this relate to your religious beliefs, or where you stand with God?

I would appreciate any advice or words that anyone can give me. I am sure I am not the only one that has experienced this. Give me some advice on how to handle it. I have never lost someone in my close imediate family.

[Lilith]

K~ I lost my grandmother a couple summers ago. I did not go to the hospital to see her either. I felt I had already said my goodbyes. I have a living will on file, and Mr. Lil knows that should my prognosis be grim I want to be DNR. My fear is that my state does not recognize my rights or that of my husband to speak on my behalf. My DNR wishes do stem some from my religious beliefs but more so from my biological beliefs. I'm also an organ and tissue donor for those same reasons.

I'm sorry that you are going through this but I know you will remember her fondly for the rest of your life and through you she lives.

[Steph]

(((((((((Kaelynn)))))))

I also would want to be DNR.

My grandfather suffered a series of strokes about a decade ago & my mother and aunts would not take him off life support. He was a big man, strong as a horse and to see him wasting away . . . I was pretty sure he wouldn't have wanted to be like that. He was so vibrant, he used to cook for 30 people & could probably add a bathroom to your house between courses. :D To see that vibrant man wasting away so much that his false teeth didn't fit anymore . . . it was tough.

[Oldfart]

I have some issues here, as I had difficulty dealing with a terminal sister and a

mother wasting with Alzheimers.

I do know that if I was lying in bed slowly slipping away, I would want some of my own

to call in and keep me up on gossip and slip me some scotch and dry.

Do as I wish, not as I wimp out.

[sodaklostsoul]

(((((((((kae)))))))))))

[lonelyarmywife]

Chin up, sistah!

I lost my grandma about six months ago. We had a similar emotional bond like you described. I was the favorite, and she was my grandma. She taught me to play piano, and would let me sit next to her on the piano bench while she played in church. She listened when I talked, and valued my opinions even when I didn't have a clue what i was talking about. She was the one that convinced me that my boyfriend was a no good piece of shit when we broke up and accepted him back into the fold without question when we got back together six months later. She was an astonishing Christian lady, but she never took any airs about herself. She even bought me my wedding night lingere.
She had congestive heart failure for several years. She would ahve good days and bad, better and worse. I watched her go from playing paino every Sunday to not having the energy to move her hands from her lap to the keys. As she got worse, she started retaining fluid and that poisoned her mind. Sometimes she wouldn't even remember my name or my son's name.
Other times, though, she was clear as a bell. The last conversation we ever had togther we were talking about football - she lived for the Pittsburgh Steelers. she asked me if I had rooted for the Steelers in the game that afternoon and I told her of course I had. "good," she joked "otherwise i would ahve to come to ******* and burn your house down."
she was a DNR and when she finally went I was so sad, but i was also very thankful. I knew that she wasn't living the kind of life that she wanted to live anymore and that she would be so much happier in heaven. I firmly believe that she was granted a new body, and a heart that works. I firmly believe that she is happy, painless, and carefree. I think signing a DNR was one of the best decisions she ever made.

Wow, this was longer than I intended. Girl, PM me if you need to talk. You can never have too much support. I'll be thinking about you.

LAW

[BIBI]

People hang on for reasons that are unknown. It is remarkable how strong the will to live is. Sometimes we need to tell them that it is ok, that they can go and find peace.

I can't and wouldn't tell you what you should do regarding your Grandmother....it is far too personal a thing to go through when someone you love is dying. I am sure that when you go to see her she knows your there and feels your love........

[Lilith]

I had a friend who past just 2 weeks ago. She's been so ill for so long, just hanging on. I am 100% positive she waited to pass til her young children got settled in their new home and the school year ended.

[nicole2309]

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all of this, and you do need to be able to get your feelings out in the open and talk about it. As for the DNR, i am really in favor of it when you know that someone's quality of life won't be good. As far as making yourself one, it's really not called that, in a person not in the hospital you call it a living will. They are usually very specific. I'm going to have one made up when I get a little older, and for right now my family knows how I feel about things. I think that there are things that are worse than death, and there's a point when everyone has to let go and tell the doctors you don't want the person to suffer anymore.
I hope that everything turns out for the best with your grandmother, and that it's not too hard on your mother.

[fredchabotnick]

Sorry to hear that about your grandmother. It's an incredably difficult situation. I was lucky, my grandfather died quickly in his sleep. That's how I want to go. So, yes, I want a DNR.
That being said, I can certainly sympathize with people who want to fight for every last precious moment.
If I can get up on the soapbox for a minute, this is why I have such a problem with people who say that letting a terminally ill person die is "playing God". We started playing God when they were treated, put in the ventilator, did any of the countless medical procedures to extend their life. Don't tell me about playing God. Tell me that you love that person, and that you want to get as much possible time with them, that you're willing to hope against hope for recovery. That's why you're fighting for them.

Sorry. Off soapbox, end of rant.

[Kaelynn]

Thank you guys so much for all of your words, it really helps.

Lonely Army Wife- I understand what you are saying about retaining fluids... the last couple days she has been doing the same and she doesn't remember me at all. I think she knows my mom, or at least she knows that it is the same lady that comes everyday at least twice. I don't know for sure. Why does retaining fluids hurt your mind???

As for when people let go, I agree they wait to make sure certain things are ok before they go. My cousin is getting married in October, and my sister in June. I have to wonder if this is why she is hanging on. Her grandkids are her life. She use to sing this song to the Channel 7 news song intro thingy, it was hilarious, she always made up songs and had so much fun.

She always wanted to see me get a boyfriend... engaged... and married... She was/is the only person in my family that thinks it will happen actually, and she never forgot to ask about my relationships with boys. Don't get me wrong it was annoying to have her grab my hand and look for a ring, but it was also endearing. She would always say, "Don't worry he'll come along... Just you wait... You'll see" I always told her it diddn't matter and that was my last concern, I was usually pretty rude about doing this, which I kind of regret. I have yet to ever bring a boy for her to meet, not that it's a big deal, it's just something that crosses my mind. I wonder how disappointed she is.

[lonelyarmywife]

Thank you guys so much for all of your words, it really helps.

Lonely Army Wife- I understand what you are saying about retaining fluids... the last couple days she has been doing the same and she doesn't remember me at all. I think she knows my mom, or at least she knows that it is the same lady that comes everyday at least twice. I don't know for sure. Why does retaining fluids hurt your mind???



Congestive heart failure like my grandma had affects ont only your heart, but several other organs as well - kidney's being one of them. When a person's kidney's don't work, they can't pee. If they can't get all that fluid out, it builds up and builds up until the toxins in the urine start to poison the body. the patient will get disoriented, dizzy, and sleepy. My grandma at her worst reminded me alot of a drunk. (this same process happens when you drink alcohol and get drunk- only difference is that those are manufactured toxins, and we're talking about a self made toxin and you can metabolize alcohol to get rid of them, assuminmg you're healthy.)

any nurses want to chime in and clear that up a little?

[wanderingsoul]

Kaelynn, I missed your call last night and I'm sorry I could really tell by your message you wanted to talk and I'm really sorry I wasn't there.

I want you to know, that even though you don't have the physical body of your friends at school to comfort you. You will always have the emotional support of your friends her at pixies.

Also, please listen to what others have said. There's nothing wrong with not being there for your grandma as much as your mom wants to be there. The memories you have of your grandma, that you love so much, hold on to those and remember them. You don't need to see her go through this.

As I've said all along, I really hope that everything works out for the best. I too am beginning to wonder why he, she, it, whatever hasn't taken her. Hopefully she'll be able to rest soon. I luv ya girl and don't you dare forget me and all these loving pixies are gonna be with you every step of the way. :line: :jump: :line:

[WildIrish]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

I lost my grandfather a short while ago. He was terminal with liver cancer and passed at home, in his sleep. It was very difficult for me to visit him after learning of his illness. He knew the family dynamics would change, and kept the news private until less than a month before he passed on. I can see his logic. He didn't want everyone hanging around the house being sad about what was eventually going to happen. And honestly...there's never enough time to say goodbye.

Thankfully, I've never been exposed to a loved one being kept alive by means of life support. I've given Mrs. WI legal authority to make medical decisions for me should I not be able to, but like Lil...I fear the state might overule my own wishes, trying to act "in my best interest". My choice to not be kept alive via artificial means does not stem from strong religious convictions, though I am a church going Catholic. I don't want those left behind to suffer.

I'm sorry for your pain.

[Kaelynn]

Well I was just told today that she has days to live, kinda what I had been expecting, it tore my mom and uncle up. I feel/felt like I was prepared... but still have random tears. I don't want to go to the hospital and watch her die, I just don't want to. I am trying to leave for the weekend cause I am getting really frustrated with my mother. I just don't feel like she is listening to me and dismisses what I say to her, and I just need to leave and deal with this on my own. I will be at the viewing and the funeral, but I will not be here when she dies, well I hope I am not, I don't want to see her sick any longer. I am sick of my mom making me stand by her and talk to her, there is nothing to say, I don't want to say she can leave, cause I don't want her to think that I don't want her here. I don't want to tell her to fight, cause I don't want her to have a horrible quality of life. I just know that when I think of her and talk to her through my head much like prayer she hears me. My mother doesn't understand that, but my grandma and I were always close, and we didn't need words to talk all the time.

I love my grandma dearly, and I am happy she will soon be relieved from pain. I just wish I was back at school to have my friends suround me, cyber hugs are great don't get me wrong... but damn do I need a real one now... and my family isn't the hugging type... thus another reason why I never want to be around them, yet another difference I have with all of them.

[GingerV]

Oh Kaelynn, just imagining what you're going through makes me shudder. My g'ma is still alive...but I dread losing her. We have much the same bond you describe. I honestly don't know what I'll do when the time comes. But I do know this much: She would want me to do what was right for me, as she always has. In my case, I would want to be there with her...but that's me. If I couldn't do it, she'd understand that too.

I also remember what it was like when my mother's mother (g'ma S.) died....I didn't have nearly the same relationship with her; nor, for that matter, did my Mom. But the feelings of loss, powerlessness, and overwhelming responsibility for absolutely everything built a living hell for my mother that summer. I don't regret not being there when G'ma S. died, and I don't regret opting out of the viewing. I have no memory of her in her coffin, and I like it that way. But I very much regret not being more of a support for my mother during that time. You're each going through your own private hell right now, and I think you're right that you have to do that in your own ways...but I'm sure she's trying to do right, as wrong as she might be. She's losing her mother....don't compromise your principles, but don't make it worse for her than it needs to be.

Remember we're here for you always, and I wish you and your entire family peace in these next awful days.

G

[lonelyarmywife]

kaelynn, I'm so sorry for you. I won't say that I'm sorry that this situation is coming to an end though, and I hope you don't think that I'm callous when i say that. You and I have traded PM's but i want you to know that I think you are handling this in very mature fashion. Just take a deep breath and get through one day at a time. This is a trying time for everyone in your family.

Shoot me a PM if you needs to talk it out. :x:

[LixyChick]

(((Kaelynn)))

Oh hon...you do what you have to do and just know that there is no wrong or right way to handle the loss of someone you love!

I am not religious and I do want a living will (I should get on that as a matter of fact)...but one has nothing to do with the other. Like Lilith, I am an organ donor...and I believe if my quality of life is such that all that is left to do is wait it out for me and cost my family pain and money, then I don't want to hang on and be the cause of that. If time will only take a worse toll on my body and on my loved ones emotions and there is no hope for me what-so-ever then I want to die with dignity, and ensure that any organs that can be harvested are viable and can do some good for the people who so desperately need them!

As to your mother and her "temporary insanity"...Kaelynn, she is clinging to those around her who she loves most to "hold her up" at a time when she feels she is falling so hard and fast. Her "selfishness", and your feelings of being "selfish" are completely normal in a situation like this. There is no way everyone can handle this loss with perfection because all of your emotions are just that...your emotions and her emotions! You won't be able to do everything your mother is asking of you...and that is ok. If you could write down what you said to us in your last reply (with a few tweaks), or tell your mother most of what you said to us...even in her fog she might somehow understand your feelings better and stop being so demanding on you. I can't guarantee it'll happen...and I can't say (only you know how she'll handle what you say to her) if it'll hurt or help...but it's my feeble attempt at trying to help you go down such a tough path in life.

It's been said that the dying cling to life for their own certain reasons...and I do believe they know they are dying...and I do believe that they need to hear that it's ok to go from the ones they love. I believe this because I was at my mother's bedside when she died...and she clung and clung till I finally told her to let go. I didn't want to do it for the same reason you don't...but I did it because I felt (at the moment) that she was waiting to hear it. I didn't want her to suffer any futher because of me. But...this is MY belief and if it isn't yours I am not saying to go against your heart!

One more thing...in a natural situation such as your grandmother's, I think that dying is hardest on the people not doing it! At the point that your grandmother is at, I'll go so far out on a limb as to say it might be euphoric for her now. This is to say that when the body begins to shut down I think that a calm comes over us and we are no longer suffering the pain and sadness that we might have in the earlier days.

We're born, we live, and we die...and all between is life with it's ups and downs. To everthing there is a season! I hope your happy memories outweigh your current saddness and that your sorrow is short lived!

(((Kaelynn & Family)))

[Kaelynn]

Well she died Friday at 8:05pm. My Aunt, Uncle, Mom, Dad, and Myself were all standing around her holding her hand when she died. Once they turned off the venalator she lasted like five minutes, they gave her morphine to ease any pain she may have, suddenly she was gone. Everyone around me is taking it hard, I cried really good one night on the phone with my master, and since I have been good, I just don't like thinking about it or talking about it anymore. I just want to move on and get other stuff done. I will be reading and singing at her funeral. I am also working on a Power Point presentation of pictures to put up during her viewing. I am not looking forward to seeing her in some box. I can't tell you how much sleep I have lost, and I just can't wait to pick up my brother and sister at the airport tomm morning (kinda today) on my birthday, luckily the church we are using is busy, we almost buried her on my birthday... I really wouldn't have minded... I love her and it would give me another thing to remember about her. At least I get to be with my family when I turn 21... It will give us all a good reason to drink! lol :cheers:

[RandyGal]

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Letting go is such a difficult thing to do.....but it's right and good and necessary when there's nothing else you can do to help them.

My thoughts go with you as you journey through your beloved grandma's funeral services with your family.

[BIBI]

Condolences to you and your family.....she is at peace now.

[dicksbro]

Sorry to read of your loss. Hoping that you can find comfort, Kaelynn, in the love of your family ... and the love and support of your friends here at Pixies.

[GingerV]

Oh Kaylynn, I'm so sorry. May you pass through the grief when you're able, and focus on how much she enriched your life. She'll always be with you, in her own way.

Wishing you peace and strength,

G

[Oldfart]

Kaelynn,

She's gone now and beyond pain.

Funerals are a path to doing our own grieving publicly and privately, and then closing

that book for a while.

Let the final emotional sorting out happen "in the background" so that one day you

can just turn around and greet her memory with unmixed joy.

Luck!

[wyndhy]

((((((((hugs))))))))

[Belial]

:hug: :hug:

I hope you and your family are ok....

[lonelyarmywife]

Kaelynn,

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It truly is one of the hardest things ever. Don't be afraid to be sad, and find someone to lean on - you will need it. Don't try to be strength for everyone else right now. I know that you know in your heart she is in a better place, but I also know that it still hurts like a bitch. Things will get easier and I will be thinking of you.

LAW

[Lilith]

((kaelynn)) peace, love, and comfort to you