Breaking up sucks

[Steph]

& is hard to do as the song says!

Looking for tips/hints/help on getting over someone.

As some of you know, I've been involved with a guy who was COMPLETELY wrong for me but it was hard to break ties with him.

It was over & I was over him but he came back into my life recently because he was sick (he's got HIV & it might be progressing into AIDS since he's not looking after himself). Because I love(d) him, I took him to the hospital & made sure he was OK but then realized I was falling in love with him again.

I digress!

I am interested in knowing how you got over someone. Also, have you guys dated someone who was 99% wrong for you but you really liked the 1% that was right? :)

[Lilith]

LOL I'm not over him. You just move on...by necessity. for me the hard part was that despite everything, I knew that with that 1% he could give...he loved me. But I can't live waiting for every hundreth minute, or hundreth hour, or hundreth year.

[cowgirltease]

(((Steph))) Been there a few times myself. I have a couple I haven't totally gotten over either. I don't think you ever do. Only way I cope with it is go find another one.
He's just another chapter in your life now.
Life's too short girlfriend...... Be happy. :)

[Dubblz]

Been doing nearly the same thing here,the past few weeks.Known this woman most of my life.First time I got over her,lol,well,she got married to some guy I knew..About 15 years ago,this guy falls over while he's jogging with a heart attack..I go to the funeral..We get talking again,lol,a few months later we're off and running again.She's hung up on marriage,and putting her grand kids through school..I see her point,but been there,and done that,so we split up,again..Few weeks ago,we're at the same party,lol,away we go!!.Yesterday,she starts the "wouldn't it be nice to get married",thing again..I explain that I've put 5 kids through school already,and won't do it again..I'm retired,and want to have fun myself,now..Might be selfish..But then I guess that's what I am..Only way to get over them,is to hang tough with my friends,then just go out and meet people casually.Bad for the sex life,but ok in other ways,lol..REAL friends will get you through..
Good luck though Steph,
Time,and Good Friends,heal all wounds

[Incubus255]

advice on how to speed things up? lol girl If I knew taht I'd be using it right now

seriously though i'm going though the same thing myself right now getting out of antoher long term relationship, and guess what it hurts just as much as it did the first one that ended up ending, though I suppose this time I was a bit more braced for it to happen

but I'm tellin ya now theres no magic cure or way to speed things up, it's all a matter of time, which makes it a painful annoying long process that even after the longest times if the night's right and the mood hits you you'll still feel the pain of loss.

There's only one way to "speed it up" and thats to cut all ties to the person and not talk speak see or write them. and while it doens't speed it up, it certainly cuts back on relaps , though in a lot of situations, this isn't possible/ isn't something you even wanna due, parituclary if the relationship ended and you wanted to stay together

other than that, good luck is all I can say, naturally if ya need to rant ya can always get ahold of me

[BigBear57]

Steph Darlin my heart's with Ya. My best advice for helping things along is to get busy. Find a hobby, join a civic group, or hell take some classes. The thing is, you tie your mind to something besides a relationship. I'm blessed in that I have two kids I can concentrate on. They've been my saving grace when my heart was dunked in the muck. Photography would be a nice hobby for you. I know all us Pixie guys would love to see more pics of you. Of course PF will deny it. LOL

[BIBI]

Love is a wonderful thing Steph but with the wrong man it is hell on earth. Sometimes we have to let go for our own sanity and self worth.....

I had to do it after living with someone for 8 years. It's hard to do but when I look at the end results I made the right choice for me and that is who you have to face each day in the mirror, yourself. You can't make someone change if they don't want to no matter how much you love and nurture them or wish them to change. Some people are just not salvagable.

Answer this." Is your life better with him in it or with him out of it?" Be honest with yourself Steph and the answers will be very clear. Let him save himself and you take care of yourself.....Walking away is tough but it makes you realize how empowered you are. Don't settle for 1%. You deserve much better! :)

[GingerV]

Oh Steph.....you may never fall "out" of love with the guy. That 1% that draws you is no more going to change than the 99% that you know is bad for you. But those feelings don't mean you have to be in a relationship with him, especially because you know just how bad an idea that would be.

If you can manage to be a friend for him, let the love become a dear friendship, through this time....then that's a blessing. Stop yourself from behaving as though he's a boyfriend, keep up the proper boundries, and keep looking for emotionally healthy people to fill that role in your life. If you can't do that while he's still in your life, and only you can know if that's something you're both capable of, you have to walk away....even if you're still in love.

It's all about loving yourself at least as much as you love the person you shouldn't, I think.

Good luck with it.....I hope you find peace with the situation. It sounds like a real tough one. I know how it can break your heart to have to walk away from someone you're convinced needs you. Wouldn't want to do it again.

[cherrypie7788]

Hi Steph....

I'm going through the same thing (sort of). I've come to terms that I will never be "over" this man, because honestly..If you loved someone, how do you just stop loving them? You don't, not ever. You might make yourself forget, but you cant change how it is.

It's just something that you have to move on with. You cant speed it up, only time (and DISTANCE) helps. I have no doubt that if I were seeing him all the time, even as a friend, I would be with him again. I wish there was a way to "speed things up", but there isn't :(

I can relate to the 99% wrong and 1% right part, too. My ex fit that profile pretty well...But you know what? I STILL love that 1%, and I always will. It's telling yourself that the 1% isn't worth it that's the tricky part.

[Steph]

If you can manage to be a friend for him, let the love become a dear friendship, through this time....then that's a blessing.

I tried it last week when he stayed here because he was so sick but the feelings came back so it looks like cutting ties completely is the way to go (I know PF will be broken hearted!).

Thanks everyone! You're a wise bunch & I'll definitely be re-reading this thread.

[GingerV]

Hang tough, Chica. I'm glad to hear you're gonna do what you have to to take care of yourself.

[PantyFanatic]

...Yesterday,she starts the "wouldn't it be nice to get married",thing again.........
If she’s looking for a guarantee that will be honored in today’s world, buy her a Craftsmen wrench.

[Jax]

Steph, sorry to hear about your situation. About the only thing I can tell you is that the key to resolving most issues - heart or mind - lies in staying busy and focusing on other things. The old occupy your mind and don't leave the time to think about 'it'. Sorry I'm not more in sightful. Life is hard.

[jennaflower]

Steph...

Sometimes we fall in love with someone so completely wrong for us that we lose ourselves in an illusion. I can only tell you that, for me, the only way to deal with it and to remain in control is to completely stay away from him. I still think of him almost daily after many years... but I have refrained from contacting him (atleast in the last 4 years). I know where he lives (in Louisiana) and I know that I can find the numbers needed to contact him. The only thing that stops me from doing just that is knowing in my heart that doing so would ultimately destroy me. Am I whole without him? Absolutely not... but I realize that having him in my life is not possible... that when he is in my life he envelops me.. the world is more colorful for sure... but I lose myself...

I wish you much happiness....

[Steph]

Thanks, Jenna -- I think that's how I feel exactly.

It has so far been much easier since he's stayed away. He still has some stuff here so I hope he gets it soon & that'll be done.

It's cruel to say but I hope he does stay away. If he stays away, I don't have to see him getting sicker due to not taking care of himself.

[Belial]

Hey Steph,

Unfortunately I can't give you any useful advice, but I can give you lots of huggles :hug: :hug:

Good luck :)

[Dubblz]

If she’s looking for a guarantee that will be honored in today’s world, buy her a Craftsmen wrench.


LOL..Thx PF..Even though it means breaking up a set,looks like that's what I'll do.Won't be using that tool,or another one,for a while,lol..

[Steph]

I met a great guy today. I'm not one to hop from guy to guy but in this case, a normal guy might be a good cure.

In terms of getting over someone, I did allow myself to listen to mushy music (I sang "Missing You" by John Waite more than once walking the horse/moose/dog) & will do something cool & sassy & sexy with my hair & have been wearing my sandals with higher heels. He was three inches shorter than me and I know why Nicole Kidman made the cracks she did when her and Crazy Cruise broke up. :D

Thanks for your anecdotes & encouragement everyone (except PF)!

Honestly, the biggest problem was getting over the fact that he's not taking care of himself when he's got a serious disease but I did what I could.

To new beginnings! :cheers:

[sodaklostsoul]

WTG Steph.... :cheers:

[PantyFanatic]

WTF Steph.... :whack:

[Steph]

WTF Steph.... :whack:

ROFL I'm going to assume that's a typo! ;)

[BIBI]

WTF Steph.... :whack:

LOL @ PF

[Kaelynn]

Well here are my :cents:

My first, the man all of you have heard me talk about hundreds of times, he was 99.99% wrong for me. Man did I hang on to that .01%. The only way I was able to "get over him" (which I wonder if I actually did), was to completely cut off conection with him. That worked till i really needed him agian. When I needed him again for moral support with something that happened that was absolutely horrible, he was there. After we talked for awhile I hung up and realized I would always need/want him in my life. I have to keep thinking about why we don't work together and focus on that. When you are with someone and you tell yourself, "It's ok for him to cheat on me as long as he comes home to me..." you are in a bad relationship. That is what I was saying to myself all the time. Being with him was priority being able to call him mine.

We some how have become pretty cool friends. He is really smart and I call him and ask for advice all the time. Sometimes I am lucky enough to meet up with him and he even drove to Columbus to see me once, something he said he would never do while we were "together."

I wasn't able to completely cut him off but I was able to become pretty cool friends with him. I really hope you can do the same. My personal advice would be take some time to get to know this new guy, make yourself happy, and then see if you can help the ex. He needs people right now as well, especially being diagnosed with this scary disease.

(((((Steph))))))

[sodaklostsoul]

/me bites my tongue!!!

[PantyFanatic]

/me squeezes wooden stake and hammer enough to make finger grips

[Lilith]

Steph...by doing what is necessary to keep yourself safe, physically, emotionally, spiritually, you will....fuck I can't explain what I'm trying to say.


By loving and respecting yourself, you demand it from anyone else who comes into your life. You set the standard. I'm soooo proud of you for raising the bar. I know caring about someone who is on a path of self destruction is intense and difficult to let go but you can't get drug down the path in an effort to drag them back. Only thing to do is to turn and walk. If they wanted to be saved, they'd follow. But that's not what they want. They just want company on their plunge and are selfish enough to not care who else gets drowned in the vortex.

[Steph]

((((((((((Kaelynn))))))))))

LOL The people who posted below you know he wasn't as nice as he could be to me.

My issue wasn't the turd he was (shaddup PF), my issue for the board was how to get over someone you know is wrong for you (even when he couldn't be more wrong than this guy was).

What is the phrase you use for him, PF? Dirtball? Something funny like that.

And Lil's right, too. I thought I respected myself but it became complicated because I was dealing with a guy with a fatal disease but he manipulates you because of the !@#% disease, too.

He doesn't want to talk about treatment but when you don't want to deal with his b.s. anymore, he'll cry about being "sick".

<sigh>

This one will have to be no communication, I'm afraid. In fact, for a drug-addicted, abusive guy like him, ignoring him is the best thing for him. Most importantly, it's the best thing for me.

[Lilith]

amen.

[Steph]

Amen for friendship, sister friend!

I love how people were shaking their heads at me but still supported me (except PF who only cared about making sure the dog was fine :D :D).

[Incubus255]

awwww Group hug time everyone!!! :hug:

people do crazy things, best ya can do is support them though it ,cheers :cheers:

[Steph]

awwww Group hug time everyone!!! :hug:

people do crazy things, best ya can do is support them though it ,cheers :cheers:

:hug: I'm marking this on the calendar as the first time I've ever been mushy with you, Samson! :hug:

Now that you mention it, you're right -- I've supported friends through some tard moves, too. :D









Like telling PF getting the fluffy pink bathmats was a good idea.

[Lilith]

:rofl:

[Dubblz]

Your thread impressed me,so,this one's for You!!

That Lovin’ Feeling

The sun set slowly, in the West..
That heavy feeling stuck in Her chest..
Remembering days, of once in Love..
Then suddenly ended, as if in a shove..

Getting on with life, a process so slow..
Still missing were answers, she needed to know..
Was I used? Was I foolish? Or was it just fate?..
Should I try again? Or is it too late?

She couldn’t deny it, She gave it Her all..
Even returning in sickness, She answered His call..
The void in Her heart, She would need to refill..
With someone more worthy, of Her Lovin’ skills..

A brief appraisal, was all that She’d need..
To see that life without Him, would go on, indeed..
Her trust had been shattered, the dream, was false hope..
In time, He would find out, that He’d been a dope..

Her friends reassured Her, it was nothing She’d said..
He needed to be responsible, for the lifestyle, He led..
Her beauty was obvious, and now much the wiser..
She’d find a new life, with someone who’d Prize Her..

It’s said that IT happens, when it’s least expected..
Not on a blind date, or with someone elected..
She noticed him passing, He seemed normal enough..
Built like a brick shithouse, He had the right stuff..

His demeanor was casual, His touch felt so sure..
Could this be Her answer? Or even Her cure?..
This time, She’d tread lightly, there’s no need for a rush..
An encounter with Love, and not just a quick brush..

Her hopes and Her dreams, all still lie ahead..
He’d need to show His Love, by more than words that He said..
And now into the sunset, they’d start off anew..
With lessons they’d learned, they’d find a Love, TRUE

Good Luck, Steph..

[divot109]

Nazzareth said it best, "Love Hurts" and Def Leppard concurred, "Love Bites!"

I have only had one true love in my life...and that was over 15 years ago. Since then, I have been married, had children and then divorced the one who was never my true love. Some say that time heals all pain, but I disagree. As I went through my recent divorce, I found myself crying not for my wife, but the one true love that I lost so many years ago. For me, I have arrived at the conclusion that there can ever only be ONE true love...the rest just help to fill the void. If you can put the past behind you and totally recover from the pain of "lost love" then I do not believe it was "true" love! True love does not come and go..."True" love sticks with you through eternity...Although it is clearly a different kind of love (one better hope), it is similar to the love a parent feels toward their child(ren)...that love never dissipates.

My true love was 99% right for me and maybe, just maybe 1% wrong. Yet I threw it away and have lived with that regret everyday for the past 15 years. Not a day passes that I don't think about her. However, I try not to let myself stagnate over the thought of her. I simply move on in hopes that I will find another "true" love, although I do not hold my breath.

She defined the term "making love" for me!!! When we made love, it was not uncommon for us both to simply hold each other so tight and actually cry together because of the emotional connection & release.

Sorry for rambling...this is probably the first time in 15 years that I have gotten that off my chest. I wish you the best of luck, and my thoughts are with you and your s/o as this must be a very trying time for you both!!!

[Steph]

Awwwww (((((divot)))))

Are you tempted to get in touch with her? Could that be possible?

[divot109]

Thanks for the moral support, Steph!!! Actually, I have made numerous attempts to locate her via internet searches, etc. All to no avail. Even if I did locate her, not sure that I could follow through with contacting her. Don't know if it's the right thing to do. Of course, I could always contact Montel Williams...he enjoys reunion shows (hell, is he even still on). I think that my inability to fully get over her is the reason I have not had great success in my subsequent LTRs...even my 11 year marriage, which has now officially failed.

[rabbit]

& is hard to do as the song says!

Looking for tips/hints/help on getting over someone.



Time helps some but you never really get over someone that burns into your soul.

There are two special women with whom I was intimate at one point in my life...to this day I really haven't been able to clense them out of my mind.

I suspect I never will....not completely anyway.

*sigh*


rabbit

[LixyChick]

Oh (((Steph)))...nothing I say here or in a more personal venue will help! All the wisdom our Pixie family has contributed is all there is to say.

Keep to your new found convictions and the pain will dissipate as time goes on!