devestated need help

[I_JUNO]

my boyfriend of 4 years has told me he wants to fuckother women.I cant express in words how i feel about this i just want advice on if there are any ways to live with this.I dont neccassarily want to break up with him, and right now due to my position its very hard .Can anyone give me any advice or tell me about there own experiences or how they over came it?

[Steph]

Wow. Since it seems it was shocking to you, I'm guessing it came out of left field?

It would be different if you were talking about open relationships and the topic came up but if he is saying it's what he wants and there's no discussion and you're not comfortable with it, the question is -- will you be able to stay with him?

I know there are Pixies who have had open relationships but it's been a mutual decision.

If it's just one partner making the decision, it may mean that partner is selfish and wants to "spread his wings".

What did you tell him? What was his reaction?

[Teddy Bear]

Did he mean bring other women into your relationship, as in having a 3 sum?
Or did he mean other women seperate from you?
How do you feel about either of these?

Decide what you want, what you can handle and then sit him down for a long talk.
Thats my only advice..... talk.

Good Luck!

[jay_ba]

If he's thinking about an open relationship, how does he feel about you being with other guys while he is off chasing other women?

Maybe he thinks that he is missing something by being in a monogamous relationship?

The best thing is to sit down, talk about it, and figure out why he's reached this decision and what BOTH of you are going to do to with it.

Good luck, and don't hesitate if you need any more advice or support.

[cowgirltease]

Tell him you're gonna fuck other men and get over it. He's not the only fish in the sea darlin and quit putting his ass on a pedestal because he don't deserve it.
Don't EVER put yourself in a position to where you HAVE to have a man to get by and you'll do just fine. :)
I'm sorry these are some harsh words but you need to learn be self sufficient.
Such is life nowadays.

[Euphemism]

Cowgirl is wise. And damn sexy, but that's another thread. I concur with her opinion on this matter.

[cowgirltease]

I'm sorry girlfriend but after 3 husbands and MANY boyfriends this is exactly why I hide my heart. They are gonna have to SHOW ME.

[looking4fun]

The best thing is to talk talk talk talk talk talk if he wants and open relationship and you want that as well then you need to make sure that the comunications between you to are working. With open relationships you have to trust your partner to follow the rules that both of you have set forth before hand.

If this is something that you do not want you need to tell him that you do not want it, and if he still wants after you talked about then get rid of him and find some one that will listen to what you want and need.

Just so that you know i was in a open relationship with my last relationship she was the one that wanted it and when i started to partake of the openess of it she got upset. Then i found out that she could not be trusted.

Remember that you and he need to set down and talk about what you all want.

[cowgirltease]

What the fuck about her??????????? What if she doesn't want that?
I say FUCK HIM! It's too late to talk. He didn't give a shit about sitting down and exploring options beforehand now did he? The last thing that needs to happen is for her to lose what dignity she has left and beg him. :rolleyes2

[Lilith]

While I could see ending things had he ACTED upon his wishes without consulting her...couldn't he be exploring his options when he tries to discuss this with her????????? I would never presume to rush judgement not knowing the entire situation.

Why did he tell you??? Is he trying to start a discussion about this or is he warning you? To me it's a huge difference.

[Teddy Bear]

Perhaps a relationship can be saved by talking first...

not begging, but both sides being clear on what they want.

And then deciding together how to proceed.

[jay_ba]

Yeah, they should talk it out first. Regardless of the outcome. It could be a misunderstanding: maybe he doesn't know how to express exactly what he wants or needs.

If things do end up that they each go their own separate way, at least they will have "closure", which can help them move on.

Making rash choice is not usually the best method of decision making. Especially without having all the information. They will have a lot more information about the situation than we do, and they should still discuss exactly what will become of their relationship. Find out exactly what he means about sleeping with other women. Perhaps it's experiences that he feels that he is lacking, or, well, who knows. Only he does. And if I_JUNO isn't sure, and she knows him and the situation better than we could ever hope to, how can we be arrogant and try to make decisions for them?

They need to talk. Communication is what will make, or break, a relationship.

[looking4fun]

[QUOTE=looking4fun]If this is something that you do not want you need to tell him that you do not want it, and if he still wants after you talked about then get rid of him and find some one that will listen to what you want and need.QUOTE]

If she does not want that type of relationship then she needs to get rid of him.

[cowgirltease]

Hey guys I'm just going by her very first sentence. That to me says it all.

[Shadow_Kitty]

Jay's right - communication first. This could've just been something dumb that was said, especially since this lady comes here - guys react weirdly to finding out girls actively enjoy sex. Find out the truth first, THEN kick him up the arse with a spiked boot!

[Lilith]

I've been married for almost 18 years and I wanna fuck other men. <~~~~That says nothing about the relationship Mr. Lil and I have and that he and I are comfortable with eachother to the point that I can tell him that and he not take that as threatening to his manhood or our relationship. Fantasy and follow-thru are 2 different things at our house, so far ;)

My personal opinion is that the poster needs more information. Why does he wanna fuck someone else??? Does he just wanna fuck her? Would he follow thru even if you didn't want him to? Is he wanting out of the marriage or does he just want an open one? Does he mind if you do the same? React when there is something to react to. Until then be proactive and find out what is on his mind or conscience. Then you can analyze his ideas and compare them to your own. If they don't coincide then you should do what you feel is right. Your feeling are just as important in the relationship and should be treated as such.

[PantyFanatic]

1) my boyfriend of 4 years has told me he wants to fuckother women.I cant express in words how i feel about this ~ 2) i just want advice on if there are any ways to live with this. ~ 3) I dont neccassarily want to break up with him, and right now due to my position its very hard ……
Having only the few opening sentences, I can only tell you how I’m reading them and one prospective.

1) This sounded like a complete surprise to you and DOESN’T sound like he was “asking” or “discussing” that he wants to bring other women into the relationship. The words you can’t express doesn’t seem to be ones of confusion or acceptance for you. Only dismay.

If that’s the status, edicts don’t come from partners, and slavery is not a relationship.

2) If “any ways to live with this” can be interpreted as a positive for you, I need to be enlightened.

3) Is a change in YOUR position going to make it a willing and desired relationship? If not, your position needs to start changing NOW.

:cents:

[flutelady]

While I think you should never settle for less than you want/deserve, I also think that you need to look into this before you jump off the deep end. I would tend to over-react, too.... but please try to get to the bottom of it before you flip out. I've been guilty too many times of going nuts for no good reason but that my imagination got the best of me. Check it out asap!

[Fangtasia]

Wait for the shock to wear off first before making a rash decision

If ya dont want it to happen then say that there is no way in hell thats happening sonny

If you are of mixed mind wether ya want to or not or you want to go ahead....then sit and discuss it with him....lay the rules on what you expect IF it went ahead

Only you can decide if you can cope with another woman...no one else can really make that decision for you IMHO

[I_JUNO]

Well thank you all for the advice.It turns out that he just told me that hoping I would break up with him to make it easier on himslef.Yes he does wantto fuck other women still, and he even wants to still fuck me ocassionally he just doesnt want a relationship cramping his style and not letting him be the big man on campus that he so obviously is.It sounds as if im mad but its more hurt than anything else.We had some issues but this did all come out of left field he had kept things bottled up for months and refused to tell me even when i asked.He took my heart and put it into the shredder and now just wants to move on and act like we never were yes i sound like every o ther pathetic girl whos ever been dumped and i guess ii am.Ill just never understand mans capacity ti hurt .I in a million years could never have done this to someone i say i love(im talking about the methos he chose to break up with me and the actions he didnt take) especially when he says he still loves me.I dunno i have an empty burning hole where my heart used to be and i dont understand how in a week your whole life ceases to exist.

[Lilith]

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) I remember feeling exactly how you feel. Broken, devastated but I also know that when I look back on it some 38452934879587236 years later I can see that it didn't just happen because of something that occured in a week or a day, it was building since the begining. I believe that every person who comes into our life is there for some reason. I know you hurt now but when you look back and see what lesson you derrived from this experience, you will be a stronger person. In fact you already are.

[Shadow_Kitty]

*hugs* Poor thing...but Lilith is 100% right. There was a reason for it, and there will be someone better along...I never knew you were so wise, Lil! :)

[Lanval1183]

Grrr.

So pissed.

Tell him if he wants to fuck other people to fuck himself.

[Wally]

I dunno i have an empty burning hole where my heart used to be and i dont understand how in a week your whole life ceases to exist.

There won't be much comfort in this, but if you make someone else your entire life and they leave, die, whatever... well... it's fairly logical that your life will cease to exist because it stopped existing long before they left!

I think few couples manage to find the balance of being together and being individuals. There's this mythical romantic notion in the way that being in love with something means they matter more than anything else in the whole world. We (collectively) seem to find the extremes readily:

"I can't live without him/her!"

"Make one false move and your ass is history."

There is a middle ground however difficult it might be to find it.

[Belial]

((((((((((((I_JUNO))))))))))))))

*big warm huggles*

[BIBI]

Well it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.....

It may hurt for awhile and you may feel rejected but if you give into his wishes now, you are setting yourself up to be the victim and that in the long run will hurt you more than letting him go now. Always stand by your principles and you will always come out the winner. He obviously isn't ready for a committed monogamus relationship like you are and although open relationships can and do work, both parties must be agreeable wholeheartedly at the onset of such to be sucessful.