Frustrated!!!

[Kaelynn]

Ok Everyone... Once again I need all of your help...

I have had it with the girls I live with!!! I live in a house full of girls, I live in a Scholarship Program and they are all forever judging me. I tried to move out of the house but some things fell through with the apartment my roomate and I were looking into. Anyway here's what's up...

I get persecuted because I enjoy sex and because I talk to people online and then eventually bring them into my "real life." I just had a girl walk into my room and tell me that my friend who is planning on visiting and us meeting for the first time can not come and stay at the house. THIS IS BULLSHIT...

What is the difference from going out in a club and picking someone up for the first time and bringing them home sleeping with them and then sending them on their way???

They forget I pay rent just like them and they aren't staying in my room... he won't be even looking at them... more than half the house is leaving for break anyway. WTF is wrong with these fucking bitches! I hate using that language but Damn I am pissed!!! What happens in this room is between my roomate and I, what gives them the fricken right to tell me what to do??

Someone... please tell me what to do... I need a way to calm down or something... and no the usual masterbation fest hasn't worked... Maybe someone can tell me something to say to them. The problem is that I am someone that hates conflict and to avoid it I just agree with them and I have finally gotten to the point I could burst.

I am so glad this is the last month for the year but then it all starts back up in August...

[cowgirltease]

Want me to come help you kick their immature asses? :)
They can't stop you from having friends over but, since you share the rent with them sleeping over isn't good unless they do it too.
I had a girlfriend I lived with once. I finally moved out. It was like Grand Central Station there. I couldn't ever get any sleep. Partied every nite and constantly watching my bedroom door at nite lol. You may want to consider a motel to keep the peace until then.

[1nutworld]

Kaelynn,

I wish I could give you an answer that will help. I know the frustration that you're feeling, having been in a similar situation once upon a time.

There is no difference between what you are proposing, and what happens at the bar. It just appears that your room-mates have no concern for you and your apparent needs, and wishes. They don't have the right to tell you who can visit and who can't, especially considering they won't even be there.

Maybe this is the time for a confrontation, with the hopes that time apart will help them "grow up" and things won't be as tense, when they return.

As has been told to me numerous times, feel free to vent here. Maybe some of the other members will have suggestions.

Sorry I can't offer much.

[Kaelynn]

Ok I live in a college dorm basically... it is a special program that has a house on campus so it isn't like we are all splitting the rent, that would be different I would have more consideration. There are locks on all the bedroom doors, the girl that said something always locks her door anyway. I am not a hard person to get along with. They just like to control me cause they know I am easy to control.

We are all in college, and it isn't like I am below them, I earned the same right to live here just like they did. They seem to discredit me for everything I do. For example one time, I was discussing masterbation with this same girl and she freaked out and said and "I suppose that's why you did so well in your classes last quarter", a complete attack on the fact that I hadn't done well cause I was actually working for a living to put myself through school and I was taking three very hard classes that I should have never scheduled together. She doesn't have to work this gets under my skin cause she bitches I never study GET THE HELL OFF MY BACK!! DO YOU WORK 40 hours and take 24 Credit Hours!?? I didn't think so... Her parents help her and not to mention she has earned scholarships. I am not discrediting her acheivements just saying STOP JUDGING ME FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY!!!


Cowgirltease Could you PLEASE come KICK their ASS?!

[cowgirltease]

You never did tell me if they have guys over or not...
One.....They are jealous of you.
Two...... Don't discuss your personal life with them. They aren't mature enough to handle it.
Three....... Find new roommates ok?
GREAT BIG ((((((HUGS)))))))

[Kaelynn]

You offer the best advice and I wish I could listen here is the deal..

It is a house of 19 girls, it is basically a college dorm. Some of them have guys over all the time, the girls at hand one had a bf and he comes over all the time, he and I are friends, and so is she and I for the most part she is just easily prompted by "the Agitator" as I call her... she is a prude has guys over to study, but never a bf she is too good for any guy.

The Agitator I never tell my personal life to she has gotten info from others I use to trust, from listening in to my phone convos, and from reading my computer screen when I am away from it.

I want NEW roomates, just can't afford a different situation at this time.

I have discussed my friend coming with my real roomate the one that I share my room with and she doesn't mind at all. So why does anyone else care???

[cowgirltease]

If you're not the only one then tell her to mind her own damn business.
Time to get tough and quit letting her bully you around. :)
I'm glad you PM'd me. :)

[cafcwest]

sorry to hear of your problems. sounds like someones jealous that your getting some.

btw, PM check ;-)

[calihotguy]

As it has been mentioned, there has to be an agreed upon standard...if some of your dorm-mates have had people over, whoever they are....then that is enough for you to have people over, whoever they are as well.

Fact is when roommates bring other people to sleep over, they are vouching for them. They could be lying about how they met them or any past history you don't know about with that person (as you could have done to them about how you met this guy had you wanted to instead of taking the high road and being honest). However, it doesn't matter, because that roommate is vouching for the person they bring over just as you are allowed to do..that's all that counts.

As far as the details goes, you have to think of duration of stay and use of the common facilities. You have to consider whether the person u have over might be using the kitchen, a shared bathroom, gas/water, electricity, ect.; that person doing so gives those who share those same facilities the right to have some say in whether that person is allowed to share them as well and for how long. The duration of your guy's stay matters; have your roommates had people over for that amount of time? OR what is the agreed upon standard or precedent, if any? I know I don't want anyone staying at my place for more than a week at a time...any more than that and it feels like I took on another roommate which isn't what I signed up for.

The same standards should apply to all involved - if they can do it, so can you. The only question is whether or not a roommate has brought someone to stay over in the past who ended up being someone who shouldn't have been there (as in a disruptive presence), that's when the right to do so in the future should be revoked. I say as long as you have no history in bringing dangerous people to stay with you, then they should give you the benefit of the doubt as you have with them. A track record should count for something, both in a positive or negative way. If you use that logic with them, which is a very logical argument, and they still don't see it, then it is no longer your problem, it is there's...one they have to deal with no matter how much they try to put it on you.

The more support for your position the better leg you have to stand on and the more confident you can feel in taking a stand. If you, as a reasonable person, feel you have more than enough support for your position and they are just clearly being unreasonable, then you have the right to take whatever action you feel justified in taking (especially if you have talked to nuetral outside sources such as you have here, and, when finally taking your action, you only do so in such a way that minimizes household disruption as much as possible as common courtesy). These are all semantics, the overall point about roommate equality still is what is most important.

Secondly, I think the bigger issue is confrontation. I have been in roommate situations for the last six years or so, because I have been in college and then graduate school. The one thing I know about roommates is avoiding confrontation never works and usually promotes handling things passive aggresively: confrronting the issues with manipulative, subtle, or back-handed ways as a way of avoiding the direct path. Doing so, in the end, only feeds into the problems and creates more mistrust, while a good rapport could have been created in the first place if only the issues were all put on the table to be dealt with directly.

Usually I have found that those who are better with confrontation, because they become increasingly uncomfortable with the lack of resolution, will end up pushing the buttons of the "non-confronter" until that person finally snaps due to the combination of all the frustration that has built up through avoiding the issues and being pushed to that edge by the confronter. Often, instead of some volcanic eruption, I have seen roommates become passive aggressive where they start doing backstabbing things seemingly out of nowhere, chronically gettting in a serious fights, or begin exchanges of vendettas (you did this, so I will do that). It can even come to a point where u don't even want to come home because the minute you walk in you feel all that built up tension from those past unresolved issues.

The best bet in any roommate situation is to confront anything and everything the minute it happens; your home should be your sanctuary and you have just as much of a right to be happy there as anyone else, I say do your part and assert that you are as valuable as anyone else. The point in doing all you can do is to see where you have been contributing to your own unhappiness and then ceasing those behaviors. In the end, if you have done all that and did all you could do, but are still left with an unsatisfying living situation, then it would be time to discover ALL your options in finding someplace else to live or new roommates.

No one can make you powerless without your consent, remember that, there are always choices.

As always, I offer an earfull...hope I wasn't too long-winded and that I helped in some way. :-)

[djcatdjprice]

And of course MC Eiht would say... Fuck Em all. Dont worry about what they think. If you pay your share of the rent and bills and what not than you can do what ever you want as long as it doesn't impose too much on their comfort. So bringing home a pet elephant is out of the question.
Other than that do what you want. If they are bringing people over than you have every right to. It doesn't matter where you meet him. Wether it be online or at a club or at a library. You're an adult and can make up your mind.
Usually when people tell me I can't do something it makes me want to do it even more. Although that's just the kid in me coming out to play. Plus I'm a self admitted asshole so I don't know if you want to take my advice.
Do what makes you happy and fuck everyone else. As long as you are not causing them any physical pain they have no right to judge what you do.
It's none of their business and as far as I am concerned... those who judge can go straight to hell.
Now I am going to write my senator and see if that can be arranged yet...

[fredchabotnick]

And of course MC Eiht would say... Fuck Em all.

That being said, cowgirltease is right. Don't discuss your personal life with them. They may be essentially roommates, but they are clearly not your friends, they don't need or deserve to know how you feel about anything. Good luck.

[calihotguy]

if you have made serious efforts to make the relationships friendly (ie confronting issues and being honest about things) and it still doesn't work, then yes....who cares what they think and stop letting them know things.

However, it doesn't sound like you have done everything within your power to help the situation...until you do that, you never know what would have made the situation better because you didn't try it.

Shutting people out without trying all your options will gaurantee alienating them, trying all your options and putting your best foot forward at least gives you a chance of turning a bad situation into a good one.

[Kaelynn]

calihotguy, I really appreciate all you have said, I COMPLETELY agree with ALL of it. I feel I have confronted the girl about the problem and pretty much done everything you have said.

BTW... He is coming Sunday afternoon and leaving Monday morning, there have been guests that have stayed longer. So him using facilities should not be an issue, I understand where it would be if he was there longer. What is being told to me is that "I don't feel safe with someone coming from online." Now, I have no reason not to be trusted I have never endangered this house or anyone in it, so no there is no track record.

Here is what's up...
The Agitator as I like to call her, is this Christian that feels like she has to save everyone. So she judges you and then makes you feel guilty in her way that she presents as "Caring" about you. This has worked on me for two years, this year I have finally stoped and I frankly just don't talk to her anymore. We will talk and see how each other's day is going but I never tell her anything anymore. She is like this stelth spy that has her own ways of getting information. Not everyone sees her as this manipulative girl, they see her as caring and concerned. So everyone opens up and tells her things that have been told to them in privacy. She says, "I want to help her, what were you guys talking about earlier?"

Last night the Resident Advisor said that several girls had come to her door telling her they don't feel safe. THIS IS BULLSHIT... One girl besides my roomate knew. The Agitator has gone to the girl that knew and found out then spread it around the house, telling things she doesn't even know about and adding false information where she didn't know the truth. I never told anyone that I was having someone come from online, I just said that I have someone visiting from Chicago that I have been friends with for awhile. She has assumed it was online (no matter she was right) and told everyone about it.

Now TODAY'S problem with the girl...

She comes bounding up to me right after I walk in the door from work and tells me, "I know why you guys unbunked your bed!" I was like yeah I kept hitting my head and hurting myself. She looked at me like "I know better." And says, "Marie heard what was going on up there with Kari and James." I laughed and said, " yeah James found out the bed squeaks when you bounce on it so he finds it funny and does it all the time" Again she gave me this face. She said, "Next time James comes over make sure Marie isn't home."

BTW... Kari met James online as well... but he has never stayed the night just comes over often, but it didn't matter with him...

Ok so the problem with this conversation, she went ahead and said something in front of Jenny who is another Christian that is just very quiet and doesn't ever judge, she is the most amazing person I have ever met. Anyway this conversation should have never been had in front of her.

The next problem with it, Marie's room is below, and while it is possible for the bed to move and make noise they have been doing it for 2 monthes and nothing was heard before so why suddenly now??? The bed has started squeaking, damn springs, and they might have heard that but only if she had her ear pressed to the door, which she has been caught doing on several occassions.

The Last problem with this girl, she likes to find a problem and then go tell it to everyone else. She tries to get me into it, and I just walk away. She stirs up more trouble than anyone I have ever seen.

What can I say to this girl to make her STOP!!? Why the hell can't this girl keep her nose in her own business???

My roomate and I think it's crap, we HATE the Girl and I have fantasies of killing her. ok that was a bit of a joke... Honestly what can I do to make her stop!?

My roomate will post more about this girl... she has never directly attacked her until tonight... I can't post anymore cause I am just so upset with this girl I could probably go on for another hour.

[AngelicVampires]

It takes an awful lot for me to not like someone to the extent that I want nothing to do with them and want to confront them. I've always been one to keep my cool under stressful circumstances and I'm not usually a violent person. This girl that Kaelynn is talking about has driven me to the edge. She annoyed me when she attacked Kaelynn on several occasions (although I did offer to say something to her) but Kaelynn held me back because she thought this girl was a friend. Tonight, however, I've never wanted to physically attack someone as much as I do this girl. She seems to go out of her way to intrude in everyone else's lives...seemingly because she doesn't have one of her own. As Kaelynn pointed out, my boyfriend and I have been doing the same thing for about 2 months now and there was never an issue before. Neither of us are loud in any way. We also keep the TV on just in case to help cover any sounds that might be even remotely audible. Yes, the bed has started to squeak but I seriously doubt that it could be heard on the floor below. I believe that this one girl has decided to try her hand at screwing with someone else (maybe out of boredom). I feel like I'm back in high school with all the gossiping going on and I'm getting tired of it exponentially fast. I'm fairly sure that it would only take one rude comment from her for me to smack the shit out of her and not give it a second thought. If she had issues with whatever decisions I have made, she need only come speak to me and not make announcements throughout the house. I've never met an individual that could be so backstabbing and childish all at the same time as I have found in her. As for the girl that "heard noises," I welcome her also to come speak with me if she has a problem. When it comes right down to it though, I feel like they should all just back off and concentrate on their own lives. I'm not doing anything that disrupts them and what I do in the privacy of my room is no concern of theirs. My boyfriend also noticed that whenever my door opened, so did the other girl's. Coincidence? I think NOT! Seriously, I want to jump her and knock her off her high horse (or stick pony as the case may be). :box:

[cafcwest]

and so the drama continues..

this could be one of those sad but true for-TV min-series. "One women, enforcing God's will. One women, getting her groove on. Heated arguements ensue. Fist will be flung. Only one woman shall move on to the bonus round. Tune in Sunday @ 9 on FOX"

or something like that

[AngelicVampires]

You know, if I killed her I wouldn't think of it as murder so much as a mercy killing...... :jump:

[djcatdjprice]

Since this girl is christian, and you cant afford to move out... right? Anyway... force her to move out. Start performing 'realistic' satanic rituals in your rooms. As long as you dont really sacrifice anyone I can't see any trouble coming from that besides her blabbing to everyone she knows about how you do satanic rites. But she obviously blabs all the time anyway. Let her find you with a chicken in the middle of a circle or star. Candles lit and just talk a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Look at her with an evil smile when she catches you. You could really have fun with her and unless you're going to a strictly catholic school, I can't see any real harm coming of that. Religion is your choice and if you choose to call upon 'Satan' as your 'god' that is your choice.
Sometimes if you mess with people's minds enough, they will eventually give up trying to involve themselves in your buisness. Especially if it seems that there is 'no- hope' for your salvation.
Instead of allowing her to get you so angry and upset, get back.
Remember revenge is a dish best served cold... and if the satanic rites don't work... there is always the old Nair in the conditioner bottle trick... but you didn't hear that from me.

[calihotguy]

The first thing I would do is talk to the people who are being informants to this girl...the ones who you talk to in confidence but then end up telling her stuff. You tell them to not say anything, you want nothing to do with that girl, and you would prefer it if you could keep talking to them, but won't if they continue to betray your trust.

The important thing here is boundaries...everyone must respect them, and you must set them clearly. Each relationship is unique, so you must address each person individually. If they cannot respect those boundaries and your own reasonable needs, then you have to write them off (because if they are not, more than likely they are part of this whole high school mess).

Lastly, I am betting it feels so high school to you guys because there is a lot of this passive aggressive stuff I was mentioning going on. Sounds like a lot of backstabbing and talking shit behind peoples backs. Like I said above, the problem with that (in the high school scenario) is that even those people you see as those you can trust, could be part of the gossip group.

The only way to remedy these situations is to not leave anything unsaid, tell that girl exactly what you have been writing here....don't spare her feelings. However, approach it in a logical and unemotional way...say, "I'm not emotional right now, but I needed to let you know how I see things and express to you some of my thoughts just so its out there and you know where I stand with you." If you come from an unemotional place that gives a lot more validity to whatever your statements are. This would give her the chance to change the relationship, if she was a good person, or, if not, give her permission to do things to your face instead of behind your back, that way you can at least see everything coming instead of being shocked by it.

Again, make sure you talk to everyone honestly and put it all out there, maybe even a roommate meeting (although I think that would be too dramatic and individual or small group conversations would suffice).

Point is, put it all out there.....it will make the aggression visible or blunt, instead of how it is now, behind your back and passive. I would rather see the knife coming at me instead of me always wondering when it is going to be shoved into my back....direct confrontation makes that possible and will lift a huge weight off your shoulders to let it all out.

[cherrypie7788]

You know what I think? I think politeness only goes so far. Tell this girl to take her bullshit ideas and "save the world" attitude out of your face because you aren't going to put up with it. End of story. It'll no doubt create tension between everyone, but so what. It's better than living "under" someone else, I think!

[AngelicVampires]

This seems to be a continuing saga. Today, the girl was trying to be buddy-buddy with me. Unless she is completely dense, she should have gotten the drift that I didn't neccessarily want to be within her proximity. She seems to like to stir up problems while trying to keep her "friend to all" image. I refuse to believe anything she tells me and I'm waiting for her to make the right (or wrong) remark. Tolerance can only go so far and I don't intend to let anyone use me for some sort of doormat. Until then, I will await the final "battle." :bite:

[Kaelynn]

Angelic Vamperess and I have decided to look into getting an appartment for next year. If money will allow... we will be out of here so fast... it should make your head spin!!! :spin: :wiggles:

[Shadow_Kitty]

First thing I would do, since they got the residence administration involved, is talk to a lawyer. You're being discriminated against, and you should be able to really raise some hell. Getting this Christian bitch thrown out of residence and probably your school is only step 1, if you play your cards right. It's too bad she's so religious, I like people who believe others can be saved, and we can better ourselves. Sorry guys, but I still do believe there's better for us...but eh. I wouldn't be here if sinful foolishness wasn't fun! *is a...not sure...lol. I'm a Seeker, I guess...hmm...*

Now if you'll excuse me I have to figure out what to call this religion of mine, which is 90% something I made up and don't care whether anyone else believes in. That's the best kind of religion, IMO. :)

[AngelicVampires]

Angelic Vamperess and I have decided to look into getting an appartment for next year. If money will allow... we will be out of here so fast... it should make your head spin!!! :spin: :wiggles:


Lol roomie....how dare you misspell my name!! I guess I cazn forgive you this one time...but don't let it happen again!! But anyway, we are looking into an apartment. It's such a shame that one person can cause so many problems in something that can be so wonderful. Oh well....life goes on. To quote an aquintance, "Hope for the best, expect the worst." Or, my personal favorite, "If you can't Dodge'em, Ram 'em!" Ok, so I'm a Dodge fan.....or anti-Ford. Enough of my rambling on about....nothing that this thread is about. :grin: l

[rabbit]

Angelic Vamperess and I have decided to look into getting an appartment for next year. If money will allow... we will be out of here so fast... it should make your head spin!!! :spin: :wiggles:

Ladies, now you're talking. This is the best thing for both of you. Battling those wenches is a waste of time and not conducive to the lifestyle you two want.

I can relate...my junior year I moved in with two women. Both were friends of mine and we were not intimate with each other outside of the fact that we saw each other nekkid on several occasions. The thing was, all three of us enjoyed sex and just wanted a place where we could bring our partners home without judgment. Worked out great!

Good luck...and hang in there! Don't let the bitches get you down.


rabbit

[Ranger1930]

i'll make it plain and simple for ya babe...

Fuck uhm..

thats all that matters.. you pay rent.. you can see who you please. when you please. if they don't like it.. they can go find their own man..

simple as pie.

[AngelicVampires]

It seems like things here have finally cooled down. I decided to not let things bother me. I figure that if people have a problem, they will either act like a reasonable person and talk to me themself (aka, without the telephone game) or they will learn to deal with it. It's amazing how not letting things bother you gets to other people :shake:

[AngelicVampires]

I thought my last post would be the death of this thread but....as they say....hope for the best, expect the worst. In about half an hour, I have to have a meeting with my Resident Advisor, the girl who has started all this, and another girl that I didn't know was involved. It just needs to die. I just had a mini meeting with my RA a few minutes ago. I asked her if she remembered calling me "the ghost of the house." I then proceeded to tell her that that is how I wanted to be....to be left alone. She didn't seem to like that very well. If anything at all comes of this meeting, I hope it is that people will just leave me the hell alone. :faint:

[cowgirltease]

It's not gonna die until you stand up on your own 2 feet and meet this head on. They are going to keep pushing your buttons as long as they know they can and you not stand up for your own rights.

[AngelicVampires]

You're right CGT, I know. My problem is that I have an amazing temper but can't channel that into being constructive. I don't like confrontation in any form therefore I avoid it.

[Callie691]

so how did the RA meeting go? i am curious. I hope everything is working out okay for you.

[AngelicVampires]

The other girl that was called into the meeting left before the meeting between me and the other girl. My RA kept insisting that I could "do this"...as in me being able to confront the other girl. Although I wanted nothing better than to be left alone, I think things have finally been resolved. The other girl apologized profusely...although the RA told her that I was hurt. Not exactly hurt....just pissed, lol. What craked me up was that the other girl tried to tell the RA what to do. She didn't want the RA talking to another girl that was invovled....the "omg, come here and listen" girl. Why? Because the listening girl entrusted the other girl not to say anything. AKA, the girl that started all this (not the one that "heard something") got a few people on her case....something she's not used to and exposed for what she really is. :devilish:

~*Faithfully Devilish*~
AV

[calihotguy]

I am confused.....not sure which is the "I will save you all girl" and which one is the girl you did not know about. I think I got it though.

In any case, congrats and a successful confrontation....they are scary but usually help.

[txgrneyes]

I agree with alot of what has been said. Apparently "the agitator" is a journalism student or should be.

But let me ask this...Have you ever told her to mind her own business?

Or explained to her that ya'll are not children anymore and yall are in college not high school. So the games need to quit.

Or just say "Grow up!"

I know this is the easy way out but you are gonna have to channel your anger into getting your message across or the problem will just continue to grow and get worse.

You could always just ask her out of the clear blue....What is it about me that you dont like? You always seem to be so interested in everything I am doing or not doing. What ever it is we are gonna have to live together or at least co-habit for a time being.....so get over what ever it is that is bothering you. Maybe I can help.

In other words....Kill her with kindness.

just my two cents.
Natalie

[Kaelynn]

I love my roomate! Man am I lucky I got stuck with her... :x:

Just Kidding AV, I am never stuck with you, I am only stuck on you... :devilish:


Thank you again everyone for your helpful advice. Calihotguy, you're wonderful thanks for all your input as well! :) This has truely been a learning and growing experience. As well as I learned to appreciate the relationship that I have between AV, we never fight or cause this crazy gossip ring. We are very open, very kind, and very fisety students that communicate with each other instead of about each other. Too bad these other girls can't be like us. Then this house would be pretty kick ass...