How Do I ...?

[Callie691]

How do i get my husband to tell me his fantasies? I am shy. Even though he and i have known each other for almost five or six years and been married for a year and a half. I just cant get past the shy thing. The few times i have gotten up the courage to ask him what he likes or dont like sexually...(any kind of sex question actually.) All i get is i dont know or i dont care. I cant get a straight answer out of him. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[fzzy]

One way of doing this can be in a discussion ... such as ...

You know I read somewhere that a lot of people fantasize about ..... (fill in the blank with whatever) .... do you think that could be true ... then ask him some questions about why he thinks such and such would be exciting to many people (or not). It's much less intimidating to comment on what you think about what other people think and for the most part it is a true expression of your own feelings to do so ... also, opening up about fantasies can be incredibly personal ... so start by discussing fantasies that tend to be fairly common and/or mainstream ... once you've both become somewhat comfortable in doing that, you can start discussing ones that don't seem so common. good luck!

[flutelady]

You could gather your courage, prepare yourself and tell him something really steamy that'll get his juices flowing, or read him an erotic story... then ask him if he's ever thought about doing that, and if he'd like to do it with you. It'll open up a conversation and point you in the right direction.

[wyndhy]

good advice from both ladies ^^^

you could tell him yours.

[Lilith]

You could slip a print version of a story here that turns you on into his lunchbox/briefcase/pillowcase

[Callie691]

That is the whole point i cant get the courage to come right out and say it but i have been trying to formulate something all day. me and my hubby regularly email stuff back and forth. i was thinking maybe email him erotic stories(as i have a membership with several story porn sites, i like reading erotica better then seeing it.) and say ...ok which of these two or three do you like best or what ever, but im not sure if he would respond correctly. usually when i do something like that i get " why did you send this?" But no real answer.

i feel almost as if he doesnt want to talk about sex to me at all as my first post hints at. perhaps he has issues like mine. But that doesnt seem to be the case. i know there are somethings he likes and we've tried a few things but i cant do the "one" that i think he would get off on the most. that he liked the best.

he likes fisting and i am just too small. the best we got was four ... and that last knuckle just hurt too much. he says it isnt a big deal buti know it is. We have tried anal though he isnt so into this as fisting.And now he doesnt seem to want to eentry anymore. but i cant seem to tell him i want to try again... only this time a little slower and that more lube would help.

here is another question i seen advertised on a porn site the women could learn to "squirt" when they come ... i am wondering if this is true . i would like to try that , yknow as a surprise for him.

Serious Communication Issue Callie *SCIC* lol

[Callie691]

And thank you ladies for all your suggestions i will try those i am just lost as to what will get the type of response from him.... namely a verbal responce or conversation. Not just a little extra encounter between the sheets without a word.

[Loulabelle]

You need to have a serious conversation with him about how his non-committal reactions to your questions are making you feel.

I recently went through a similar thing, whereby I was beginning to get concerned that we needed to act in order to make sure we didn't get lazy and lose the spark in our relationship, as I could see a few tell tale signs that we might be heading in that direction.

I began to try to draw a little more out of my SO about his fantasies and preferences and too, was met with 'I don't know'. The problem is, that women are brought up to believe that men are more sexual creatures than us, and that burning just below the surface are a host of unspeakable fantasies and fetishes that they're just waiting for a woman to take interest in. The reality is, that a lot of the time that just isn't true and that men need to spend time and energy learning about themselves and exploring their sexuality further, just like women do.

Eventually, after several failed conversations with him on this subject, I talked it through with a good friend of mine, and came to some conclusions about our sex life. One of the main things was that I was putting a lot of pressure on him to come up with his fantasies so that I could indulge them (because indulging other people's fantasies is what really turns me on) but what if, in fact we're both 'pleasers' sexually speaking? What if his biggest turn on is, in fact, indulging my fantasies etc? When I looked at it this way, I realised that I needed to explore further and develop my own, self centred fantasies in order to break the circle.

With my new found insight, I then talked to him about it, and for the first time, I was able to communicate how important it was to me (and to the relationship) that we addressed the needs of our sex life and made an effort to maintain it, rather than just assuming it would always tick along like clockwork. After sharing my fears, tears and hurt at his 'I dunno' reactions (i.e. if you can't be bothered to think about this, you can't be bothered to care about our realtionship) I finally got the message across and we both resolved to communicate more openly about our needs and desires, and not to fall into the 'oh I'm just too tired tonight honey' pitfalls which often plague relationships and make it so much easier to be tempted away by someone new.

It was only when I'd explained where I could see the relationship going if we didn't address the issue, that I was able to get some serious responses from him, but it was well worth a somewhat anguished conversation and tears on both sides to get the issue dealt with. Since the conversation however, the discussion has been taken to heart by both sides, and we are both making more effort to make time for each other. It's great.

I know that sharing this will destroy a lot of Pixie-people's belief that Fussy and I are 'the perfect couple' but it's worth it if the story of our experience can help you and your partner communicate more openly. Good luck sweetie.

[Callie691]

:eek: oh !! I dint think of that. :thumb: oh boy now where to try and get this into a conversation. i willtry to work up the courage this weekend. i dont want to bring this up with him having so much work to do this week and a test to top it off.

the reason i am trying to figure him out is because since i got pregnant :sperm: :baby: ( not that i didnt try beforei just figure i better try now since there has been a change) the sex has been slacking off ... just enough for me personally to notice... i dont even know if he has noticed. the only reason i noticed is cause i like sex... a lot... and already dont get enough... but i like it that way ... same as teasing myself. but he and i both knew i had a higher sex drive when we married. (no biggee to us)

[Lilith]

I know that sharing this will destroy a lot of Pixie-people's belief that Fussy and I are 'the perfect couple' but it's worth it if the story of our experience can help you and your partner communicate more openly. Good luck sweetie.

Not at all...you are both people and therefore imperfect by design, we all are. "Perfect couple" is not a moniker I would wish on anyone. It's more important to be the "working hard at realizing we bring our own views, personality, and baggage into a relationship, couple" and accepting and loving eachother despite or even because of it.

[flutelady]

Callie, here's something else you might try. At Pillowmail, you can personalize and send erotic stories, some of which are really wild. Check it out...

http://www.pillowmail.com/index.php/rd_/story

[Callie691]

oohhh thanks i'm going to check it out right now. ... i just wonder when he will check his email and actually find the ecard when i find 1,2 ...5 that i like. lol

[Callie691]

me likey, me likey! i love this place and the stories are great!! I think i'll check out a few more to see if i want to send any more of them to brandan.


thanks y'all, you've been very helpful.

P.S. as soo as i hook up my printer, i'll be trying the "leave a story on his desk" scenerio. (dont worry though the desk is here at home)


I he opens up just a little i'll tr to talk it out completely.

maybe i should just print out this forum for him to read. :thinking:

[wyndhy]

lou is right. you need some one on one communication and then there will be no ambiguity.

i was embarassed to talk about my turn-ons with my huband and i've know him 17 years or so. and he was the same way. we'd just sort of try something new during sex and be alert to those unspoken cues that say whatever it is you're doing, it's not fun. i still feel shy about certain stuf and i blush like mad when i talk about it but i can promise you that once it's been said it's not nearly as scary as you thought it would be. i can't give you the courage but someone needs to take the plunge. :D just go for it.

[Callie691]

maybe i should just print out this forum for him to read.


What do you all think?

[Loulabelle]

I think if he's not comfortable discussing his sexuality with you, he may be very uncomfortable to find that you've been discussing it with a whole load of strangers.

Whether you like it or not, you need to bite the bullet and talk to him face to face about how is apparent lack of caring about your sex life is making you feel. He may feel hurt and betrayed to find that you've discussed it here first before he was even aware of the problem.

Talk to him about it, and if he doesn't listen, or take it to heart, try again in different ways until he gets the message.

When I was a young teenager (and a virgin) I would always read in teen magazines etc that if you're not mature enough to handle a face to face conversation with your partner about sex/contraception etc that you're not mature enough to handle actually having sex. Whenever I feel shy about discussing something sexual with my partner, I remind myself of that....I'm a grown woman, who's intimate with my partner, why on earth should I be shy about talking about what we do between the sheets? Just something you might want to bear in mind to help you keep some perspective. :)

[wyndhy]

i agree with lou…again :D ...no subterfuge or dancing around the subject or hinting or leaving stories and thoughts on paper for him to find. you both need to talk, face to face, get him to listen to what you want and listen to him when he tells you what he wants.

good luck! :)

[WildIrish]

Ye have not because ye ask not.

I've discovered that there is no "list of desires" that one can compile, but rather a "list of desires I'm thinking of right now". People's fantasies are a living document. I have a few that haven't changed over the years, but I have new ones all the time that come and go. The beauty of open and comfortable communication between couples is that they can share these thoughts without worrying about being thought of as "weird" or whatever.

One fantasy I didn't discover until having been married almost ten years was going down on Mrs. WI after having climaxed inside of her. That's one we definately are glad we shared. Though we didn't discuss that one before I did it, we talked afterwards about how we each felt and discovered that we were suprisingly turned on by it. We incorporate that into our sex lives on a regular basis now.

Anal sex is a desire I've wanted to experience for a long time. I've expressed interest in, well...to put it bluntly...thrust my penis into her ass. :D She's mentioned that "it looks like it feels incredible, but I can't get past the thought of it hurting". But I never, ever would've enjoyed the feeling of her using a vibrator on me while performing fellatio had it not been for expressing my interest in it.

Open and comfortable communication enables you to bring stuff up like this whenever it pops to mind! It's a great thing! Inside the bedroom and out. :)

[Callie691]

Hey guys this is her hubby....Well this problem of hers has now come to my attention...

I greatly appreciate you guys helping her out. She never did get up enough nerve to say something though...

Which I don't blame her I wouldn't have ever asked her either. I'm not the type of person that talks about these types of things.

Well I happened to walk up behind her while she was scanning through the forums for something called the Strokey Pokey so if you guys know where that is at please send it to her.

What she didn't know was that what she was showing was everything that she has been trying to tell me for weeks.

I'll do my best to actually open up...that is if she doesn't pressure me (yeah like I would do that-I’ve been trying to find a way to talk to you without pressure for the last weeks... so :P - callie) DAMN GIRL you take things way to seriously...I was just kidding...

Yes guys we are both sitting here at typing this together. That’s why it might seem that I have two personalities.

Yup I admit it I smoked the wacky tobacky when I was young....wait I’m still young what am I saying....

So anyways you guys have a nice nite and enjoy what ever fantasies you guys are acting out....

Callie will try to keep you guys updated about how our Communication Issue is coming along...

Got a short riddle for you...

If I work in Communications how can I have a Communications Issues?

I should have seen the work order for this issue a long time before this. HINT! HINT! HINT! Callie

My average response time is 10 minutes.....LOL

Thanks guys...

Ice1717

[Callie691]

Fine i'll just have to get right on creating the forms right now. That way i can have them at the ready for any issues that come up!!! LOL

Isn't he so sweet. all through reading the forum, the worst he did was laugh. I think with him printing out the forum would have worked the best. I believe he and i do have the same issue. Well kinda... I'm too scared... He isnt used to intimacy of this kind... resulting in neither one of wanting to say or do anything the other may construe as gross or too taboo.

he was a little shocked at my asking you all for advise. But was impressed with how straight forward, helpful, and non-judgemental you all were. thank you. It takes a lot to impress him to actual words. You all are good. lol

loulabelle, you were right. but i tried. if you ask ice he will tell you i've been dropping hints. i even tried the "can we talk some where away from 'the boy'." (one of our son's many affectionately given nicknames) but we were seriously side-tracked this weekend. we had an emergency that took away most of our weekend. well at least our part of the weekend. saturdays are mainly family time with our son.

hope you all like him and give him a nice welcome(i have no doubts)...hopefully he will soon join our ranks. :)

Callie (this time)

[Loulabelle]

First of all, welcome Ice1717!!!!!!!!!!!

Glad to meet you, and I'm glad that you've liked what you've seen here so far.

Both of you, don't beat yourselves up over a tiny little problem like this....looks like you're well on the way to solving it already and will have lots of fun along the way!

Callie, thanks for the little note to me, but it's not necessary. I'm just glad no harm has been done and that you can both begin to deepen your relationship and explore your sexuality together.

Remember, a great sexual relationship is one where both partners feel they're reaching their full sexual potential. Have fun!!!!

[Callie691]

UPDATE: We are going shopping soon... for a new TOY! Oh Boy! Ice is even going so far as to shave partially for me! Can you believe it? I still can't! But I cant wait either! LOL Hope fully more to come.

Thanks again everyone.

Callie

once again lou you were rihgt i just screwed up the nerve(pun intended) and asked him face to face ... and with the light on even! Heehehehehe