Jokes!

[imalikalotapuss]

Come on everybody post your dirty jokes here..we can all use a good laugh!! :D


CROTCHLESS PANTIES

A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more
and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship,
and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in
a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned
her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily
tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties"...

[imalikalotapuss]

Here is another one.. :rofl: TOILET TRAINING

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the
big toilet like his daddy.

He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching
his genitals and howling.

He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,
"K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."

Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

[imalikalotapuss]

OOOOPPPPSSSS!!
PREMATURE EJACULATION

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation,
so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor suggested that the man could solve his
problem by startling himself whenever he thought that
he was going to ejaculate.

So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store
and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try
the doctor's advice.

When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on
their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and
began making love with her.

Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then
the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked
off a few shots with his new starter pistol.

They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his
results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc!

When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3
inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet
with his hands in the air!"

[FallenAngel5]

LOL at all of those... here's one of my favorites.

A woman walks into a pet shop, hoping to find a new pet for her family. As she's browsing, she notices a beautiful parrot in a cage. The price tag on it is a surprising $50.

The woman finds a clerk and says "This is a wonderful bird. Why is it so cheap?"

The clerk looks embarrassed, then replies, "Well, it used to live in a house of prostitution. So he's picked up some words and says some pretty vulgar things sometimes."

The woman thinks it over, and figures that it can't be so bad, and he's only $50. She can always return it. So she pays for the bird, covers it up, and takes him home.

Once she gets home, she puts the bird on a table in the living room and uncovers it. The bird looks around, then squawks, "New house, new madam." The woman is shocked by the implication of the words, but figures that it wasn't so bad.

The woman's 2 young daughters soon come home from school, and she shows the girls the magnificent bird. The bird looks at them and says, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls look startled, then laugh. The bird still isn't too scandalous.

The woman's husband, Keith, comes home from work and walks in to see the parrot. The bird takes one look at him.

"Hi, Keith."

:grin:

[imalikalotapuss]

That is a good one.. :rofl:

[wyndhy]

LMAO :grin:

[dicksbro]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry,
your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to
its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill."$300!" she cried. "$300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $40. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

[dicksbro]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.