Virtuality to Reality: Online Relations

[krzykrn]

Something has been on my mind for some time now, and to be honest, it is driving me crazy at times, so I feel I need to put it down... On a cold November night, roaming endlessly through the chat rooms in search of something elusive...I quite by accident encountered someone who caught my eye. After messaging her we began talking and right away I felt drawn to her. She had to cut things short, but she asked to add me and told me that I was not getting away from her...an odd choice of words, but I looked forward to talking to her, which I did the very next night.

As time went on, what started out as chat grew into something more...I began learning about who she is, things about her life, including some very intimate and private matters, things she normally does not tell people (according to her) unless very comfortable with them. I found myself opening up to her, and we would talk almost every night online for hours on end. It was not uncommon to look at the clock and see the sun about to rise as I logged off to say goodnight to her...

Finally sometime in late January I had to say something and told her that if given the chance, I would want to pursue things outside of the virtual realm...I was hoping that perhaps she shared this desire but, unfortunately, while she said she loved our time together, she enjoyed her comfort zone...yet at the same time, she said that the thought of me dissappearing made her whimper and cringe. While a little dissapointing, it told me that 1) she does feel something for me and 2) even though she is not comfortable with moving into the real world with this at the moment, the future is open.

Well it is four months to the day since we first met, we still talk quite frequently and have explored and talked about all sorts of things...after taking the advice of a friend (*hugs Jenna*) I decided to give her my phone number and told her I did not expect any reciprocity, but if she ever felt comfortable with taking that next step, and wanted to hear my voice, it was there. She said she would write it down but said nothing more about the matter.

I will admit, I have not felt this way for someone in a very, very long time. I think about her every day, and each time we talk I feel as if another layer is peeled, something new is revealed and I feel just that much closer to her. At first I doubted what I felt, after all, the net does make things easier sometimes to connect/talk with someone due to the annonymity of it all, and sometimes I doubt, is this real or fantasy? I have to ask, as I know there are members here who have found the love of their life through an online relation, or have experienced something similar in their life...how did you stop crawling up the walls? I know if this is to work, I have to go with her level of comfort, to not push, and I have done so...but sometimes I feel as if I am going out of my mind, trying not to read into things she says or does and just take them at face value. How to put your insecurities to rest and just go with things?

Somedays are easier than others, that is for sure...but any insight whatsoever is greatly appreciated. I am sorry for the long winded post, and as is my want, I probablly did ramble at some point heh. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

[Lilith]

Sometimes it is hard to tell whether the voice in your head is insecurity or common sense. Why do you think she is uncomfortable still after months of talking? If it's a logical reason then I'd suggest it's time you work on your own esteem issues in order to be a better partner to her and to increase the likelihood of a successful relationship. If it's something unreasonable or uncomprehendable or irreparable then it may be time to reassess what you can hope to get in return for your participation in this relationship, in otherwords whether your feelings can ever truly be reciprocated.

[Stolen Kisses]

All I can add is this. I hope it helps.

If you have not yet asked what she is looking for it would be a good thing to do. I met my husband on AOL and we were both looking for a LTR. We talked on line 2x's then talked on the phone for hrs. We met 2 days later and have been together since. Not all relationships work out that way- but you deserve to find out if there is anything "real" to what you two have.

Best of luck.

SK

[maddy]

Lilith said it best... I've seen these thing pan out both ways. And I couldn't have more appropriately said it than Lilith did it... so take that advice times 2 :)

[cherrypie7788]

Online relations are a trip...It's hard to know where they're going, so it's best to try not to get yourself too wrapped up, no matter what you might feel for the other person...I have a situation that in a lot of ways is similar to yours.

The truth is, you don't know if that girl is telling you the truth or not. The internet is a playground for some people, and it's best to guard your emotions if you can.

It's so easy to get attached to someone online, and just as easy to lose them.....It's an emotional roller coaster that I'm just about sick of riding, myself.

There's no way to make yourself stop crawling the walls except to get off the computer and go do something else, preferably away from home and internet. Get out and be with other people. She may not even want a relationship at the moment!!!!

On the flipside, it may turn out fine if you just give it more time and go along with her. Just be careful with your heart :)

[BigBear57]

Dude I feel your pains. I've had these online things several times and it's a crap shoot. I've gotten to a point I try not to take things for granted. If it seems too good to be true... it is. If they put obstacles in the way of getting together, there's a reason and usually NOT the one given. I don't want to rain on your parade but these are the things I've lived. I wish you the best. It works for some.... just hasn't for me yet.

[FallenAngel5]

Well I will do my best here to help you. :) About 5 years ago I met the greatest guy online. We hit it off right away, and our relationship was much like the one you describe. However, I was on the other side from you. I was hesistant to take things to the next level. We talked on the phone quite often, and things were great. I loved him. But I was holding back because during one of our long conversations, he commented on what his perfect woman would be. And what he described wasn't me, physically. We were so close, and both felt we were perfect for each other, but I knew better. I didn't want to ruin what we did have. Eventually our relationship fell off from what it was. That was about 3 and a half years ago. However, we still talk, we get along great, he's one of my closest friends. But we've never met, and I don't know if we ever will. I can't say whether ours is a success story or not, it's definitely not like Barb's, but I got a fantastic friend out of it. :) I don't know if her reason is the same as mine for holding back, but it's an idea. Best of luck to you with this though. :)

[Kaelynn]

Well Ladies and Gents... I do have something to say to this and I just hope I can say it without giving another crazy long story into my past... I will try to be as short and sweet as possible.

If anyone has read some of my previous posts they have seen some about my first. Well I usually don't talk about when he just picked up and ran to Hawaii, cause that is a long story all in it's self. Well when he ran to Hawaii, he left me obviously... talk about being depressed and hurt, I was the poster child. I imedately turned to the internet to find someone that would be a good "replacement," I realize this wasn't the smartest idea now... well I have realized that about a lot of things I have done. But a few nights into searching I found someone.

He was my Archie... I conected very quickly to Archie because he was different, he was very careful about what he said and seemed to be a good guy and very cautious. He wouldn't tell me specific things about himself, for instance his age, and location. He just told me all the time I was perfect for him and I fit into his standards. I talked to him almost every night and we truely missed each other when we didn't see each other online. We were perfect until the unthinkable happened....

The new Hawaiian decided he didn't enjoy Hawaii as much as he thought he would and decided he needed to come home. Well this made my heart do flips and everything that Archie had done to help me get over him was out the window. The only person I wanted to be with was my first. I continued to talk to Archie, I talked to him much much Much more often than my first, and he always tried to make me see that My first was not a good person for me. So I asked Archie if he was the right person for me, he fed me the BS line of I needed someone better. I begged Archie several times to tell me more about him, but I finally droped it, and we just always talked about me or about how I wanted to meet him or at least hear his voice.

A month down the road, I found out how right he was about my first... he had started dating someone and didn't have a second thought about me. At that moment all I wanted was Archie and that stayed that way from March-September. In the summer we grew really close and really far away, he started calling me, but from an online service, so I wouldn't hear his voice but he would hear mine and I couldn't call him back. Actually in July we started having problems because I told him about pixies and that I had just became a member. I tried to explain everything to him... but he didn't understand, he couldn't see why I wanted to be a member of a sex site. He forgave me for going here, and told me I could but he would monitor what I said in chat by going to the statistics and reading any and all of my quotes.

I loved Archie... we had talked from late Decemer till September. In September I expressed to Archie that I could not keep our relationship online, I needed to be touched and held. He told me that my timeline was too fast for him and that we would meet some day when he felt comfortable. This wasn't good enough for me, whether that was right or wrong. Well a coworker started hitting on me so we started dating, and suddenly Archie wasn't online anymore. I told him about Jason and told him that I was interested in dating this guy. This hurt Archie very much... understandably, I told him for monthes how much I loved him. But the thought of having someone close to hold was better than waiting online.

Jason wasn't the one for me... by far... and I always wonder if I would have stuck with Archie where would we be now. I have heard from him about 6 times since he just disappeared from being online. Once was Christmass he sent me 50 dollars that I refuse to spend until he talks to me again in a continuous mannor. This past December would have been a year for us, I emailed him and reminded him, and he did reply and promised that in January he would sign on and talk to me... but guess who hasn't it's March now... but I still am on waiting for him almost every night. Don't get me wrong I am not stuck on him like I use to be, and I would never look to him for a relationship.... but I have definatly learned to not get attached to someone till I meet them.

I feel like online relationships can work and I am still willing to try them, I just know I need to do things a little different so that I don't find myself in the situation I was with Archie.

I hope this was helpful... it probably wasn't... I guess I just wanted to talk about it cause I haven't to really anyone... anyway this is one of my online experiences that didn't work. I will let you know if one of my current ones do... ;)

Good Luck... I know what it is like to want to meet someone that doesn't want to meet you, I was driven up the wall several times, especially in the begining cause I didn't understand what was wrong with me and why he didn't want to meet me. I spent many days crying about it, I thought I had learned to get over it during the summer but really I just dropped him as soon as someone in "real life" showed an interest. I know that was a mistake... but Archie wanted me to wait indefinately. I look back at what happened when I first told him about Jason and see how he started to tell me things so that I would stay... at the time I didn't notice... I was busy living my "real" life. It takes a strong person to stick with an online relationship esp when there is a person you have met that is showing an interest, I was oviously not strong enough. So again... I wish you luck, and the only way I stoped crawling up the wall to meet him... was finding someone else, and hurting him badly.

I suck... I'm a horrible person... I know...

[Kaelynn]

I guess that wasn't short and sweet huh? well.... sorry pixie friends...

[osuche]

My 2c is that you need to meet. "attraction" is so much of a personal thing -- it's in the way the other person looks, and smells, and acts. You need to meet the person before you can really decide you want to "date" them IMHO. I have many online friends, but none of them turned into heavy romantic interests until after we met. LMAO -- not that there have been many that were romantic interests, mind you. :D There's just something about that face-to-face chemistry that I really do think matters.

Either way, best of luck to you

[Stolen Kisses]

Osuche is right you do need to meet.

But, dont be discouraged if there is no physical attraction at first.

When my hubby and I exchanged pics I thought- wow- he's so cute- the pic was him at a wedding.

But when he came to my door- he was sporting jean shorts, a tee, a phillies pull over wind breaker, earing in his ear and UGH a backwards baseball cap- I hate those! Also- he was about 40 lbs heavier in person that the pic.

When I opened the door- I was in shock to see someone so different than the pic- know what my initial thought was?....

okay- we are gonna be just friends- but just spending a few hrs with him, falling asleep in his arms that very night and working though a friendship first- I fell head over heels in love with him. Now I think he is the most attractive man I have ever known.

So yes- physical attraction is important- but it doesnt always have to come first.

Good Luck SK ( Barb)

[AngelicVampires]

Where to being....how about the beginning? I have had 4 online experiences (doesn't look like I learned from any of them, does it?...I promise I really did). My first experience was when I was 17. I met a guy in a chat room and we hit it off pretty well. We talked for 8 months before we met in person. In that time, we were engaged and I was happy.....or so I thought. Two months later, it was all over because a friend knocked some sense into me and made me realize that this guy just wasn't who he said he was. He had made up a life just for me....he wasn't who he had said he was. The whole situation was just a mess and I learned that most people should not be trusted. I went from "trust everyone until they give you a reason not to" to "trust no one until they give you a reason to."

My 2nd experience- I asked for this one. I had posted on Yahoo personals and got a response. I have to admit, I wasn't physically attracted to the guy but I knew that I would fall for someone completely based on their personality. I met the guy near campus (since he was a fellow student) at a donut shop and was bored out of my mind. He loved poilitics....I didn't. I decided to give him 1 more chance. We went out to eat (I should also mention that he believed that all expenses on the date should be split 50/50....which is ok but not usually the way it's done, lol) and then went to a movie....which didn't start for an hour. Basically, we sat in my van (after he crawled into the back seat....I joined him but hugged my driver seat the entire time, fists ready to fly if need be) until he said "Maybe you should stop thinking about things so much and just do them." I was like "I can't believe he just said that!" So I told him I had to go to the bathroom just to get out of there. I decided I would leave him if I beat him out. Of course, I didn't. After that, we never talked again.....fine with me.

3rd- Started talking to another guy (also a fellow student). I had a blast hanging out with him.....as a friend. It spiraled down really fast. I felt like he was ashamed to tell people that I was his gf. He was my complete opposite so I thought he was just making up for everything that I lacked. My family would never have approved of him. This lasted 2 days short of being a month.

4th and current- A guy randomly started talking to me after he saw my Yahoo profile. I never forgot about all the online things from before so I never expected anything to come of it. We talked online almost every night for about 1.5 months before meeting in person. I remember begging and hoping that this guy would be different and be the guy that I was looking for. We've been dating for nearly 2 months (if my math is correct) and it's been the happiest time of my life. Granted, we have our ups and downs, but that's to be expected with any relationship.

I did give offline dating a shot.....my heart was broken by the person I had absolutely adored for 4 years....3 of which he never knew about.

After all this (I know, not the greatest track record), here's what I've learned:
1. Yes, follow your heart but make sure your mind is the guide.
2. People are not always who they seem to be.....not all people are good.
3. Being naive and the internet NEVER mix.
4. There's no rush....take your time and feel a person out....chances are, you'll see sides of them that don't show in the beginning.
5. Sometimes, it's worth taking the chance.....just make sure you keep your ears and eyes open at all times.
6. Desperation is not your friend.
7. If something seems out of place....don't ignore it.
8. We all have some sort of insecurities....make sure YOU are the one making the decisions, not your insecurities......you are the only one that knows what is best for yourself.

Take Care and Best Always!!
(Sorry this was so long!)

[WildIrish]

So many great points, conceptually and experienced. To offer my own point of view would just be paraphrasing everyone before me...poorly.

[krzykrn]

First off, let me give a warm thank you to all that have posted, long, short answers, they were all very heartfelt and thoughtful, and it made me smile. I have been away from the site for a very long time and I think I had forgotten how open and giving people are here :) *hugs to you all*

Lil & Maddy: I agree, it is hard to tell sometimes whether that voice in your head is reason or insecurity. I am leaning toward the latter as once before I ran into someone online and she dissappeared without a trace, and sometimes I wonder if that same thing will happen. As for her reluctance, I learned that she had met someone online once before, she didn't go into all the details but from what I gathered she went to live with him and it was very ugly (in her words it was the first time she ever felt helpless).

Cherrypie: I agree, online relationships can definitely be an emotional ride, and I am doing my best to try to keep myself level and in check, just sometimes, as you know, it isn't always easy *chuckles*

Bigbear: I too share your doubts at times, and perhaps I am just opening myself up for a hard fall but...I need to find out if this next step I take is the edge of a cliff, if I never find out, I think I would always wonder.

FallenAngel: I think her reluctance is due to being burnt badly once before, and I think it still lingers over her head.

Osuche & SK: I do agree there are many things you get from a person that you can only get in person. There are so many nuances you cannot get online, you have no idea what kind of habits the person has, maybe you will learn that they do something that annoys the hell out of you. Of course at the same time they may do something so endearing that you can't stop but want to be with them lol :D. But yes, a physical meeting would definitely help a lot in seeing if there was a "final" compatibility per say.

Kaelynn: Perhaps it was not short, but it was sweet, thank you for sharing your trials and tribulations with me. Also I don't think you are a horrible person so I don't you should categorize yourself that way. You had a few bad experiences with some not so great people from what I can see, and I do hope your next endeavor is much more favorable :)

AngelicVampires: *chuckles* It definitely is a crap shoot isn't it? I am glad though your story ends up with a happy ending, it is funny how sometimes, the things you don't have any expectations for end up being the best things. That seems to be the trend in my life, I am hoping since this started out with no expectations, that I too end up with a happy ending. I do thank you for your advice checklist, I think it is very sound and I have thought over many of the points you have listed. After my few experiences, I am definitely trying to be cautious and careful, but definitely not cynical.

Again, I thank you all for putting your thoughts and feelings down on this matter, I truly do appreciate everyone of you! *hugs*

[cowgirltease]

All I can say to you is sometimes things aren't always as they seem or as you imagine them to be. :(

[imaginewithme]

I hope things are going okay for you. I know that an online relationship can be very real and you can't help but to have the feelings that you do.

Wishing you luck and peace of mind.

[asp]

Just like any relationship it can bring happiness and also hurt very much, so my advice would be to treat it like a real one.