A very thoughtful PashkinThePanther

[PashkinThePanther]

I don't know whether this is the right one, here or General (if its wrong then I hope the mods can move it to the right one), but I just need a listener. One or two of you whom I know off-forum knows whats on my mind...

2 weeks ago, a young woman went missing in my city. Usually thats nothing too unusual. But when I saw the photo in the evening newspaper, I recognised the face, it was someone I'd worked with a couple of years ago, for about 6 months. I hadn't seen her since I left but you don't forget a face.

On the following Thursday it became a murder case, and her b/f was arrested. On the Monday of last week, he was charged with her murder. Up to date, her body has not yet been found.

Latest news (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/humber/4304779.stm)

All the time her picture appears in the evening paper, and I can hardly bear to look at it, knowing she's not coming back. For the first few days I couldn't walk around town because of the newspaper bills, having the picture on them. It used to take me a while to sleep on those first few nights, cos my mind would just not relax, thinking about it. I doubt she would have remembered me, but I couldn't forget her.

Am I over reacting or what?

[Lilith]

You are not over-reacting just reacting. Sometimes evil creeps too close and you can almost feel it.

I've had this sort of reaction before but it was not someone I knew. I was about 10 months pregnant expecting our much long awaited first born when a child (a military person's child) went missing and her sweet face was plastered allllll over the place. I walked the vacant lots and overgrown back alleys near my home looking for her. I was traumatized that I was bringing a child into a world where people do this sort of thing to the innocent. I can still see her face 14 years later when I close my eyes sometimes.

We can't control what will have a deep impact on us and sometimes it seems illogical. Let yourself feel, and grieve, for the death of innocence, hers and yours.

[PashkinThePanther]

Thanks Lil....

Why is it always the attractive ones though.......?

[Aqua]

I think Lil said it just right... you're reacting. Tragedy struck close to home and it is certainly unnerving. There is a girl I know of, that I've never met, that is almost certainly about to lose a battle with cancer. She's a friend of a friend that I know almost nothing about and yet thinking about her situation causes tears to well up.

I think talking about it is a good way to help deal with what you're feeling and I hope putting it out in the open here will help you see you're not over-reacting... and you're not alone.

[Lilith]

Thanks Lil....

Why is it always the attractive ones though.......?
Attractiveness has nothing to do with it...these are depraved acts of violence.

[PashkinThePanther]

Thanks aqua.

nikki1979, she's been a good listener as have one or two others unconnected with Pixies, so I've not been short of people, nor have I been totally alone. I think its because I've never had to grieve about anyone before. Ok there's been the odd family pet which cut me up badly, but no person. And yet it was someone I barely knew, not having seen her since I left that office in October 2002. Ok, we'd started the same day as temporary staff at the same company from the same agency, she was taken on, I wasn't. But I didn't mind that, you could see she was better than me....

I'm dreading the body being found, and I'm not even family! How they must be feeling is unimaginable....

<sigh>

[PantyFanatic]

You are not over reacting PashkinThePanther. You are just confronting something I call “proximity potency”. We all watch TV at dinnertime and see reports of the brutal atrocities against hundreds of thousands of innocent people in Sudan, and shake our heads without saying a word or missing a chew. It WILL be a topic of discussion when a stranger is accidentally killed at our work site or in a traffic accident we witnessed. When the neighbor next door dies of a heart attach at 45, we will spend some quiet minutes reflecting on mortality.

I don’t understand it. I only know that it exists for all of us. I believe it is part of what we describe with the words experience and wisdom.


:cents:

[maddy]

I'm sorry for your pain and sorrow. You certainly are not over-reacting. I find like Lil said things strike us deeply at different times of our lives, I've started to learn that it's not always worth questioning why the emotions are there but accepting them and coping with them as best as possible.

Just a suggestion... take a few minutes to drop her family a card, if you know how to contact them - they will be touched to know that she touched your life.

[BIBI]

Why is it always the attractive ones though.......?

Jumping Jesus man, that is a really crude thing to say. Violence against women is unacceptable no matter whom it is. Every person murdered has a family that loses a person they love.

[cherrypie7788]

Jumping Jesus man, that is a really crude thing to say. Violence against women is unacceptable no matter whom it is. Every person murdered has a family that loses a person they love.

Ditto.

It shouldn't matter whether she was attractive or not, what happened was atrocious and would be atrocious no matter who it happened to. Anyway, no you are not overreacting, it's quite normal to feel the way you do.

Shortly after my exboyfriend moved in with me, he got news of his friend from high school being killed by a mugger, even though he hadn't seen the woman since he was seventeen, it was upsetting to him. Any time someone relatively close to you dies, even if it's close on a distant level, it's normal to feel that way.

[osuche]

I don't think Mr. Panther ( :D ) meant anything by the "attractive" comment. Someone catches our eye, for some reason....smile, intelligence, snappy dress....she must have caught his eye for him to remember her.

I like the idea of dropping her family a card.

[PashkinThePanther]

Jumping Jesus man, that is a really crude thing to say. Violence against women is unacceptable no matter whom it is. Every person murdered has a family that loses a person they love.

I agree, violence against any woman is wrong as is violence against anyone.

I think you misunderstand me a little, it came out wrong I know but osuche has it in a nutshull, for me to remember someone after not seeing them for two years, well there's was just something memorable.... Look at the photo on the news report and you'll see News (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/humber/4297271.stm)

As far as dropping the family a card or something, I don't know where they live, but I could give it to the local newspaper, who for sure will know.

Still no news. Its the lack of a resolution to the case that compounds the misery. The family can't grieve properly, no-one can. And thats the worse part of it...

Latest news (http://www.thisishullandeastriding.co.uk/displayNode.jsp?nodeId=136525&command=displayContent&sourceNode=136235&contentPK=11918092)

[LixyChick]

I'm sorry for your pain hun!

Hopefully, her b/f will find it in his evil heart to at least tell the authorities where her body is.

It'll be painful to learn the details...but the closure can aide in the healing process.

((((PashkinThePanther))))

Five days ago, a young girl (around 10 or so) in my area went missing from her bedroom. Her grandmother was the last to see her as she tucked her in the night before. They've searched the area within 10 miles for several days now. Her parents are separated, but friendly, and they have been ruled out in fowl play. They now think it was an abduction. Her father has been on TV, making a plea for her safe return. I can read it in his eyes...he had nothing to do with it. Her angelic and happy face is everwhere these days. It's so sad...the wait and the helplessness! I didn't know the child or her family...but it's a relationship of humanity!

[Cheyanne]

I'm sorry for your pain hun!

Hopefully, her b/f will find it in his evil heart to at least tell the authorities where her body is.

It'll be painful to learn the details...but the closure can aide in the healing process.

((((PashkinThePanther))))

Five days ago, a young girl (around 10 or so) in my area went missing from her bedroom. Her grandmother was the last to see her as she tucked her in the night before. They've searched the area within 10 miles for several days now. Her parents are separated, but friendly, and they have been ruled out in fowl play. They now think it was an abduction. Her father has been on TV, making a plea for her safe return. I can read it in his eyes...he had nothing to do with it. Her angelic and happy face is everwhere these days. It's so sad...the wait and the helplessness! I didn't know the child or her family...but it's a relationship of humanity!

Any kind of abduction is scary...but to be taken from a place that is supposed to be safe and secure for kids scares me the most! :( I can't even imagine getting up in the morning and finding my 11 year old gone... :( I don't know that I could survive it....

[Lilith]

I have been having big chats with my little guy lately about abduction. He's really really cute, and tiny for his age, and a pleaser. So we just chat about how he is allowed to react differently to an adult trying to hurt him than any other adult. I told him flat out he is allowed to curse, spit, scratch, hit, kick (especially in the nuts), hide from, disobey. I told him also that no matter what would happen I would always want him home and that I would do everything in my power to make that happen and that he should do the same. It is my greatest fear, paralyzes me at times. Part of why I am a GAL... sorry I got off topic Paskin...just all on the subject of evil.

[wyndhy]

it is a sick sad scary world sometimes. :(
hang in there and maybe, if you can, try not to read or watch everything they are reporting on the news. it can tear you up all over again, make you feel like it just happened everytime you do. just because you don't keep yourself constantly aware of it doesn't mean you care any less about it.
((hugs))

[Oldfart]

The loss is a personal tragedy to the family and friends.

"Why the attractive ones"? What little I've read says that these sickos feel that they have

an ownership of the taken life after the act, and the more socially and civically valued or

sought after the victim, the more intrinsically valuable the prize.

Sane people understand that a life is a life, beyond value, but occasionally we are called on

to make judgements on life and death.

Transplant lists and triage choices are the most obvious of these.

This is not a fun topic. Did anyone mention naked, butterscotch schnapps soaked twister?

[maddy]

Lil, what is GAL?

[PashkinThePanther]

I'm sorry for your pain hun!

Hopefully, her b/f will find it in his evil heart to at least tell the authorities where her body is.

It'll be painful to learn the details...but the closure can aide in the healing process.


For the first few days I did feel the pain and grief but as time has gone on, its dulled into a profound sadness that such a thing should happen and that a life has ended this way. I was lucky I wasn't alone during this time, as the g/f was here, she understood and just listened, giving me space when I needed it, yet being there without being intrusive.

When the closure comes, and the body is found, then it'll re-open everything again to some extent.

[Lilith]

Lil, what is GAL?
Guardian Ad Litem

[nikki1979]

(((((((((pash))))))))) sorry ive been so busy the last few days, weve not had a chance to chat like norm!!! u know im here and u got my # txt meif u need to . i dont know if u remember but back around 3 yrs ago this fall two young girls were abducted and killed by that bastard whos injail right now and his girlfriend covered up for him. he was a janator at their school so they knew his face and trusted him, they were found not to much more than a mile from my home. and i never had met them, they were from a town closer to where i live now than where i lived then. my daughter was just about to turn one. i was wrecked , what he did to them , how he left them, how he lied to the cam and reporters. i lost alot of sleep , and mourned with everyone who knew or jeard of them , i wanted to go to the moom and hug her and hold her , the dad as well for that matter, i was torn up. im very over protective of my daughter because of it ive moved on because i had to , but every time i drive down the road they were found on i say a prayer for them and their familys.

im here if u need me babe

nikki

[PashkinThePanther]

I didn't realise you were that close to that horrible event... Its not pleasant at all, but in these situations, when confronted with such horrors close to home, we have all to find the strength and courage to keep going, even if we don't feel like it. Very often we all find out new things about ourselves.

You know, I was sat having a drink this evening (a fruit tea, I can't drink caffeine this close to bed), I realised how lucky we in Pixies are, in that we always have someone here to share troubles with, to have a joke with etc. So thanks to everyone, for what we all do for each other.

(Does that first paragraph make sense....?)

[PashkinThePanther]

With a heavy heart, I have to bump this thread to say that a body has been found this evening, thought to be my old work colleague, Jo Nelson.

Farewell, Jo, now rest in peace. :(

[flywater]

Pashkin, you have my sympathy! Just remember, as long as the memory of the person exists in ones mind, the person never really dies! from one who has lost too many people very close to me, I know what you are going through! If you ever need to talk, dont be afraid to contact me!

[imaginewithme]

Sending you hugs.

[PashkinThePanther]

Fortunately, I had taken some photos at a leaving party at the company we worked for and I found them yesterday afternoon. Thanks to them I shall never forget. Thanks to everyone for their kind thoughts.

Unfortunately the preliminary post-mortem results are bad....

Latest (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/4381573.stm)