advice

[kinkyfairy]

ok first off i know some of you know me under another nick but please dont let on to what it is thanks

i really need advice , have any of you gone through points in your marrages when you decided enough was enough and that you just had to get out before you split and became another person and killed your SO and went to jail ???? ok i love hubby n all , always have , but for the last oooohhhhhhhhhhhhh lets say about 3 years i have not liked him at all . not even alittle . he knows this , im not a quiet person . i cant hold that much in. but every time i bring it up he says hell change. thats the problem . its not fair for me to make him change. i liked what i now dislike when he and i met. i HATE parts of him now that totally turned me on before. latley ive not wanted him to touch me , weve had sex because im afraid of hurting his feelings. i want sex no worries there , just not with him , his attitude is a compleete turn off. hes an ass to me and worse hes and ass to his daughter. thats the part that gets me , he expects his little girl who is only three to be able to make and follow through in decisions , not just little ones like what color to wear either but he wants her to have common sense that toddlers just dont have and refuses to belive me that shes normal that shes only three he relates her to the airmen at work and actually says she shud be smarter than them its killin me i dont like it i cant handle it . now heres the hard part i live in england im american , my mom has a one bedroom apartment and no way to support me and my child while we crash while im looking for my own place and job. has ANYONE been here???? what did u do?? how the hell did you get out. ive threatened to leave but icant find a finacial way that its possible i need advice !!!! and no im not askin for ppl to offer me a room that would be kinda creepy of me LOL but just advice and if you have been there a sholder maybe.

[Scarecrow]

The Air Force has agencys to help people with problems like you have. Ask a chaplain for guidence.

[GingerV]

Hon, you may have to start building your own escape route, as cold blooded as that seems. DEFINATELY talk to the AF agencies Scarecrow mentioned. And if you and your husband are at all interested in counceling, do that as well! But while you're doing that, I'd start figuring out what your life could be like in the future. I don't mean fantasizing about starting over, I mean really coldly looking at the practical side. What kind of job are you interested in persuing? Do you want to live near family? How are you going to keep body and soul together IF you get a divorce. Then start taking practical actions in that direction. If you want to move back to the area your mom's in, you can start looking for apartments and jobs from the far side of the world. Interviews would be tough, but you could at least get an idea of what's available, and what the wages/rents look like. I think, given your situation, that it would be damned difficult to stay on this side of the ocean. But I get the sense that you don't really want to.

Most importantly, though... keep in mind that thinking through this stuff does not mean that you have to stop working on your marriage. I know one girl who planned her escape, and just knowing she COULD leave took off so much pressure that she and her hubby were then able to work out their differences. There's a fear and panic that can set in if you feel trapped in a marriage, just dealing with the trapped feeling might help in ways you didn't expect. It won't necessarily work that way with you....but I think it's important to know that just thinking about one set of options doesn't mean you've necessarily given up on the other.

In any case, I'm really sorry to hear you're so unhappy. Wish there was something more I could do!

G

[kinkyfairy]

ya i realized the escape route thing last month and have scraped 150 up so far i think if i can do that or simaler a month ill be ok soon . and if i sell me car before i leave then theres a down payment on a new car . i look weekly at the job scene where i want to go and monthly at homes i can buy and apartments i can rent. i cant decide wether its cold blooded or just practicle. i told him in november that i was tierd of being the one to push for counceling and always gettin an "im to busy right now" from him so it is up to him to pursue it . im just drained of always being the one who takes charge and makes things work . oh well maybe soon huh. i just feel so guilty . even tho he knows im not happy he doesnt know how serious i am . hes so happy . i cant understand what im doing wrong with my life and why im so unhappy in a marrage that my SO is totally happy in .

[GingerV]

It's a tough lesson to learn sometimes...just because you're right for him, doesn't mean he's right for you. I remember feeling terribly confused because a college bf loved me down to my toes, but I just couldn't seem to settle for him. He was good to me, but he wasn't what I needed. I kept saying that it wasn't fair that I was perfect for him, until a friend bluntly pointed out that I was kidding myself. I couldn't be perfect for him if I didn't want him. Saddest breakup of my various ones...but couldn't be helped.

But from what you've said I kind of wonder if your husband really understands you're deeply unhappy. You say he knows...but does he think you're just having a winge, or does he really get that you're getting ready to walk out? It may well be that he might be more willing to try/work at things if he knew you were closer to a crisis point than he believes. I'm not saying it will or won't work out in the end. I don't know either him or you well enough to even guess. But I do think that communication is always key to keeping a relationship healthy, and it's ironically usually the first thing to break down when there are troubles.

G

[JAG2888]

There are people who say they understand and lets just stick it out, but they don't understand what you are feeling. Mostly they are there or don't listen. Hey, seperation might prove there is happiness left, but more than likely, it will prove to you, you are not happy. The stress of the world will come off. A smile will come back to your face, you will feel alive again. I don't own the tee shirt, just understand what you are thinking and feeling. It sucks, but until you move forward, you will not feel better. Getting back to the states is not an issue, if the AF is his way of life, they will fly you back.

[kinkyfairy]

we had a major break down last night and he broke down after he said something harsh to me and i did not react the way i used to . when he started crying before me i asked what the deal wasand was told he just realized i dont love him anymore andhav not in months... i told him i do , cuz i do , but i also told him that i dont like him anymore. he keeps sayin he doesnt want it to be over but i told him only time wll tell ha asked why i changed and i told him becasue i dont likethe way he acts w my girl and im not willing to loose her because hes an asshole that he will oose me first. oh well i promised my friend i wont leave till she has her baby and i will live by that but i might be gone by christmas LOL

[wyndhy]

:( (((((hugs)))))

[kinkyfairy]

thanks wyndhy i need all those i can get right now lol

[wyndhy]

i figured hun. hang in there!

[PashkinThePanther]

You do whatever you feel right, but keep your options open. If you can sort it out, good, but if not, then make a clean break.

You have my cellphone number if you ever need it....

[osuche]

(((((Kinkyfairy))))) ~ think it through. Get enough distance so you don't make a decision in anger or hurt. Then follow though on what you decide.

I wish you braveness and the peace of your convictions. And a bit of luck, too. :D