i've got serious parenting issues/need some basic input

[boilergirl1]

over the course of the last yr my daughter has been steadily worsening at both school (straight f's) and in her home life let me fill you in briefly................
if that's possible.....
ten yrs or so ago i left my abusive marriage and opted for living instead of being the human punch bag great for me and for my daughter who was 2 at the time i've always known that as time went by she would have issues from being the witness to such violence as should not be put on a babes heart ( i forever carry my portion of the responsibility for that) during the course of divorcing and all he wound up with sole physical custody and the two of us with joint legal custody. My daughter lives with her dad and her stepmom,stepsister and a half brother from that union. in the last eighteen months her scool work and grades spiraled down and down some more in spite of numerous approaches by her dad and stepmom. let me also say that in the past 5 yrs of being separated from my kid that she was allowed to see me on holidays and partial summers so that was sort of ok although not completely up to snuff it was workable during all this time we told our daughter that when i completed my apprentieship that she would come back to live with me i graduated approx 12-14 monthes ago at which time her father renigged on that deal. I have held my tongue for various legal reasons that still bear some scrutiny but later for that, i get a call 12-13 monthes ago from the stepmom was my Quote/unquote "offer" of medical insurance still available and workable as her pediatrician at her yrly checkup had AGAIN RECOMENDED FOR THE 5TH STRAIGHT YR THAT AUDREY GET SOME COUNSELING and they wanted to try that since nothing else had or has been working in regards to her school grades they put her on prozac and have given her minimal support as far as i can discern they are currently weaning off of prozac since that failed to control her unacceptable behaviour in favor of something herbal(thank god finally!) however they continue to downplay the part that our mutual violence probly has had on her and yesterday i get a call that she (my daughter) is cutting herself also being downplayed as not too very serious my question does any of the parents her have any experience with cutting or even first hand experience that could help me to be a receptive listener to her(am going up there this weekend) as well as what to say to her about it i'm completely out of any rational answers except for a few things that are already in the works HELPPPP! pixies please?
signed desparate and confused mom

[BigBear57]

Dayum Hon... ((((((((((((((((((((BG)))))))))))))))))) I don't have any experiences with anything like this but if I were you I'd be sure to ask a professional before just taking the ex's word for anything. I know the powerless feeling of being outside your child's life in a manner of speaking. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but all I can offer is to be there for your daughter and listen with your heart. Let her know the you'll always be there if she needs you. Feel free to PM me if you just need somebody to talk to.... I know this has got to be tough. My thoughts and prayers Hon....

[LixyChick]

Oh sweety! I'm not a parent, and I don't know about the "cutting" thing...though I have heard of it. My suggestion? Go see a professional yourself. Ask anyone where you might get help in helping your daughter with this. Keep asking till you get an answer that can help you both. You need guidance hun. You need to know what path to take and what course of action to follow. This is serious stuff...and even though I am not a professional, I can tell you it is a symptom of something deeper going on in your daughter. Don't guess or asume that you know! You need help to help her!

I hope that the other replies to this thread are more helpful...but till then, please ask for help!

(((((((boilergirl1)))))))

[Lilith]

My bet would be that your child's emotional/behavioral problems are much more convoluted than having witnessed your abuse up til the time she was 2. Mind you that during that period she had no concept of right from wrong so her basic exposure was to the stress that situation causes in a home. Some of that stress may never have been alleviated. Afterall, she has lived her entire life with the abusive parent. The type of therapy that usually benefits kids like your girlie is a behavioral type possibly even residential if no one around her has their shit together enough to provide her with the structure and emotional support she needs. I highly recommend that you all seek family counseling, even if just a few sessions, in order to develop a plan of action so that you can offer your daughter the type of surroundings that will afford her an opportunity to work through her problems.

[fzzy]

First of all .... sending hugs and positive thoughts your way .... cutting is a very serious issue and from my understanding is generally viewed as being something that you can be in recovery from (like alcoholism) but generally not "cured" from ... in other words, it will likely be a temptation to her for the rest of her life in times of high stress.

One of my two best friends is a "cutter", she's been doing it for years on and off, only started to get help for it a few years ago .... before that, no one knew it was happening, although she also deals with several other obsessive-compulsive behaviors.

When I've talked to her about it she has told me that it is hard to explain, but that when she cuts herself it is like a huge emotional release of the pain flows out of her along with the blood. Cutting is usually fairly superficial type of cuts, not suicide type cuts. I know the treatment that my friend has been receiving has been various types of behavior modification, knowing options that she can use instead, etc. But when she cuts on herself she is disassociated. I've called her once or twice just as she was getting ready to cut on herself and it takes about 30-45 minutes of just talking and joking, etc. before I can get much of a response back from her, until then it's me doing a dog and pony type one-man show with a zombie audience.

I do know that with all such issues, the earlier you begin to deal with it, the better and at her age it is good that you are dealing with it. I also remember seeing a program about this (long before I knew about my friend being a cutter) and they talked about how almost everyone of the teens they were treating (incidently almost all of them girls) seemed to have a VERY serious obsession with needing to be perfect.

Don't know if what I've said has helped, but feel free to PM me if you have any questions I might be able to help you with. Fzzy

[maddy]

I'm no expert either... but all I can suggest is be there for her... let that girl know the unconditional love and support you have ... offer it abundantly. I've come to believe that kids are inherently good people and they behave badly for two fundamental reasons: 1) the environment they are living in or 2) a plea for attention due to some emotional need they are lacking. I'd venture to guess on your information it's a combination of the two.

All the above have great input, and the repeated advice of seeking professional help is a great one.

(((bg)))

[BIBI]

http://kidshealth.org just go to search and type in cutting.

So very sorry to hear about your daughter. It is a horrible thing to watch a child self abuse but it is by far more common than you would imagine.

The site I have attached the link for is a very informative one in many areas and I hope it provides for you at the very least a starting point to gain some understanding of this problem.

[FallenAngel5]

I'm not a parent, but was an RA at college - close enough to a surrogate parent, and I had to deal with cutting last year with one of my kids. Like some others have said, they are just superficial cuts, but it's very dangerous still. My recommendation is to follow what the doctor has said and get some counseling for your daughter. There's only so much that you can do, which I would say should be talking to her and trying to have some positive influence in her life. Sending good thoughts your way.

[wyndhy]

(((hugs, bg)))
i would also agree that some family counseling should be considered. third party perspectives, especially educated ones, could help you all learn better ways to help her. as for listening to her: you siad you know you need to be a "receptive listener" so i think that you're on the right track here already. receptive implies that you are ready to listen in an acceptive, interested and co-operative way. as a teen (or a mom/adult for that matter) i never had to deal with something this serious but i do remember that, at around age 11/12, i was defensive and resentlful of anything my parents did that seemed intrusive or judgemental. so, even though this is much more critical (and heartbreaking) than your aveage teen/parent clash, keep in mind that she will need lots of convincing, hugs, patience and empathy. i have hope that you will help her.

[boilergirl1]

just wanted to thank you all for your input am headed to wash in a few min to house hunt and see my kid and her counselor on mon wish me luck and I'll update you when i get back next week love and huggles to all you sweet pixies
schelagh :thumb: :hug: :love: :wingang:

[smoothballs]

get her off the drugs asap
12 and on prozac gees.
doctors put my sister on that rubbish when she was 13, it made things worse all she needed was someone who understood her and would listen.

[GingerV]

I hope all went as well as it could, Boilergirl...it's a hearbreaking situation all around. Your story made me want to scream and cry pretty much at the same time. I know a little about how it feels to see a child unhappy, and want to just yank them out of the situation and fix their hurts. I imagine that's where you are now.

I agree with everyone, this is not your fault. You left a bad situation when you were able to...there's no profit in beating yourself up for not doing it sooner. You did it when you could, that you did it at all shows your strength. Not everybody manages it. And while I would never suggest that babies retain nothing from their early experiences, I imagine the subsequent 10 years have more to do with her current troubles.

I also agree that what she probably needs is to know that you'll listen to her, take anything she has to tell you quietly and seriously, and that you love her no matter what. But truthfully, she may not even know what's wrong or how to tell you. In any case, the idea of having a child on Prozac without some form of ongoing talk therapy is rediculous....if for no other reason than the kid should be monitored. Some of the potential side effects of prozac in kids (restlessness, difficulty sleeping, etc.) could be hurting her school work all by themselves. I hope you do find a way to get her some counseling, it can do anyone a world of good to have an uninvolved adult to talk to if there are family problems.

All of which is a day late and a dollar short, you're already on your way to do what you can. Hope you know that you've got all of us behind you, wishing you strength.

G

[Oldfart]

boilergirl1

This is so much bigger than the fact she saw some shit when she was young.

This is a CNN-class cry for help, and this is the domain of really competent shrinks.

No matter what we say to help, it's like using Lego blocks to chock a truck on a hill.

We can be supportive of you till the Waratahs win a Grand Final (2020 if they're lucky),

but this is serious shit out of our hands and needs a pro (not PF, wrong pro).

Your basic input needs to be from professionals who are so placed that they can meaningfully intercede.

All you can do is be a Mum and try and cushion any bottoming out.

Be warned that taking too much on board may drag both of you down without resolving

the basic issue (they say).

[Oldfart]

BTW,

If you need to sound us out, there are a lot of us here available for responses.

We can do not much else but be there for you.

You know the nicks.

[Mark Vieth]

Ok first let me say as a single parent myself I do know how hard it can be. Secondly why isn't she living with you in the first place? I mean mums are suppose to get custody of their kids unless they have a drug problem or have serious Post Natal Depression. In my ex's case she had both which she turned to drugs to help her forget and that is how I got my son. Anyway all I can say is keep fighting the system until you get your daughter. Get a good lawyer and get them to fight the point that her cutting is due in part to what things are like where she lives. I don't want to say this, but it is possiible that someone at her dad's is touching her. Which would explain some of her behavour. If you want to find out if that is going on or not ask her when you see her next and make sure it's in private so no one else can hear what is said. Good luck and may the force be with you.....padawan!

[Mark Vieth]

Ok if my last post hit any nerves I am sorry. Now as I live in the land of the Kangaroo I know that our legal system here is different to other countries. I can tell you this much about our's, most custody battles here always go to the mums. So the kids stay with them. There are of course the exceptions, as I posted in my first, only if the the mother has a severe drug or alcohol problem will the kids end up with the father. Also if she is hitting the kids from a very early age, which can be a sign of PND. Obviously if she is diagnosed with an incurable illness then naturally they would go to the father. That is the same everywhere. All I can say is what I have already said really. Fight the system with a good lawyer who may be able to argue the point of the cutting is a result of abuse at her dad's.

It may also be noted that she may just be not happy there and is acting "out". Either way you need to do something. Otherwise she could become another "statistic" that fell through the cracks in the legal system.

So fight on my dear for, if you know in your gut that something dire is wrong then do what has to be done.

[boilergirl1]

thanks so much for all the input
have just arrived home and let me just say i wont be able to get up there fast enough for my own feeling on this
she definately needs for me to be there so it's off to washington i go

[boilergirl1]

i spoke with the couselor that she has been seeing already and she is def not the right person for my kid to be talking to am wondering how i can get that changed but will wait til i am in wash to do that and i have already been in contact with a mediater here in cal for any advice that is legal like and also just so my ducks can all stay in a row where my ex is concerned
so not to worry i am not going into this blind or half-cocked just needed some emotional support and you all did that for me quite wonderfully
I THANK YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart not to worry folks it is my intent to seek out some pro help for myself as well as for my kid who is almost 13 btw

[GingerV]

Glad to hear that you're managing everything so well, BG....you were in my thoughts this week. Hope this is the start of all things good.

G

[boilergirl1]

thanks for your sweet concern GingerV sometimes a person just needs to know that others care and you have shown me that. ty and consider yourself huggled

[BIBI]

It's great to hear you have a plan....

I wish the best for your daughter and yourself.

[Belial]

Biiiiiiggg massive huggles for you and Audrey :hug: :hug:

Good luck, and stay in touch :)

[osuche]

Let me just say that I think it is REALLY cool that you're going to move up there and spend more time with your daughter. I think you will both be the better for it.

((((Boilergirl)))) ~~ takes guts. Good for you.

[boilergirl1]

Let me just say that I think it is REALLY cool that you're going to move up there and spend more time with your daughter. I think you will both be the better for it.

((((Boilergirl)))) ~~ takes guts. Good for you.

thank you osuche it's always good to get positive affirmation when the the road seems so foggy ahead

[DarikS]

Counseling is in order as this could be a symptom of a larger problem.

10 years later and I still have to be careful wearing short sleeve shirts or else I get the inevitable question "What happened to your arm?" With my usual and obviously blatant lie "A car accident"

[Teddy Bear]

((((((BG))))))

I don't have anything to add to all the great advice already given.

Just wanted you to know, you & your sweet girl are in my thoughts & prayers.

You know where to reach me if ya need to talk. :)

teddy