Ranting...

[Kaelynn]

Ok Pixies... I need all of you... those of you who have talked to me know I am a very easy going person. Recently I have had some friends in my "real" life make some comments that have really hurt my feelings. I am a very sexual person and I love sex and everything about it. What I can't stand are girls that feel they are "better" than me because they are virgins.

This is what I don't understand... Why do women who enjoy sex get pegged as whores by other women, and to men the girl who is ok to fuck, but not take home to mother? :hair:

I am a very real person I try to be myself and act the same around everyone I know. I mean of course I am more respectful to adults and kick back and chill with my friends, but my ideals do not change, I am the same person. If someone asks me about my personal life I do not lie, I am not ashamed of who I am. I just can't stand that someone will sit and judge me, pretend to know my motives and then tell me how I am going to end up by myself.

I might be over reacting to their comments as this has been a stressful time for me and I haven't gotten much sleep with work, but right now I am feeling very sad and alone. I honestly don't think I should have to change or lie about who I am to avoid others who judge me. I really shouldn't care about how they feel or what they think of me... but I can't help it, it's who I am.

Thanks for listening... I feel a bit better already... :rant: :)

[lonelyarmywife]

Sweetheart, i'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you. But you sound hurt and I hope you get to feeling better soon.

For therapy? Go download a copy of Christina Aguleria's "Can't Hold Us Down" and play it over and over as loud as you can. Dance around your living room. (If anyone comes in, pretend you are cleaning). You will feel much better.

[Oldfart]

Kaelynn,

The answer to this is a complex web of social expectation and jealousy.

Society expects that single girls must remain as pretty yet sexless as Barbie to maintain the

marriage market value of the blushing bride. The word dowry comes to mind, as well as the social value

of having a pure, god-fearing vessel to extend the blood-line.

This attitude does not take into account that these same pure as the driven snow girls

will tease a man to within inches of his sanity, then send him away to slake the stoked

fire on lesser girls.

The jealousy part is that you are doing things that they dare not do for fear of risking their

status as good girls. The only way they can deal with that is to try and lessen you as

a person and as a sexual being.

If you let them do this to you, then that is truly your loss.

[Cobalt]

Don't let what they say get to you, be your self, life is to short not to be.I feel the same about sex as you do, but I am a man so I don't get that kind of talk, partly because I don't have many friends as we don't go out much.

((((((((((((Kaelynn)))))))))))))

[jseal]

Kaelynn,

All societies I know of are repressive in one way or another. Regrettably, repression of sexuality remains a common feature. As Cobalt recommended, try not to let “them” get you down, life is indeed too short. I hope you get past this soon! Good Luck.

[scotzoidman]

Kaelynn, you know who you are & what you are, & their opinions are like assholes...everybody's got one...if it starts to get you down, remember that you're getting something they want...& jealousy can make even the nicest people say mean things...

[flutelady]

There's the good old double standard that makes me nuts- if a guy sleeps with several girls, he gets pats on the back and is a "stud". If a girl sleeps with a few guys, she's a "slut". Who the hell do "they" think the guys are sleeping with, anyway? One of the things I like about Pixie's is that this double standard isn't alive and well here.

Don't let the assholes get you down. Hold your head up and be true and proud of yourself. Anyone worth having as a friend will NOT judge you. Let the rest go screw themselves.

[PantyFanatic]

……….. I am a very real person I try to be myself and act the same around everyone I know. I mean of course I am more respectful to adults and kick back and chill with my friends, but my ideals do not change, I am the same person. If someone asks me about my personal life I do not lie, I am not ashamed of who I am. I just can't stand that someone will sit and judge me, pretend to know my motives and then tell me how I am going to end up by myself ……….
First thought I would like to express is that while it may be a YOUNG adult, you ARE an adult. Your one statement above, says volumes about the quality of what kind of adult. Just being here at Pixies shows to me, that you are an open and honest adult, with others AND yourself, in a way that many people never reach at any age.

I have NEVR been able to do anything but humbly bow to the wise words of my icon, OldFart ………………….. until now. :o
…. then send him away to slake the stoked fire on lesser girls. …
The only “lesser” sexual quality a woman can have is that of hypocrisy and denial.

The deepest shocker is that I’m in total agreement with jseal :grin:
"All societies I know of are repressive in one way or another. Regrettably, repression of sexuality remains a common feature…………"

The merit of FluteLady’s words are great.
“…..Anyone worth having as a friend will NOT judge you. Let the rest go screw themselves.”
That’s is what they are doing …………. In both ways.

I AM qualified to say that we ALL will someday reflect, with equal glee and regret, on both the sexual adventures we did and didn’t experience and enjoy.

The only emotion you need extend to your judging “friends”, is sympathy.






Now slide up your skirt and call me. ;)

[osuche]

YOU are master of your body and sexual ethics, and need not let anyone else dictate them to you. I have a much more open attitude about sex and sexual norms than about 90% of my peers.....but I've also learned that discretion is sometimes the better part of valour. If you don't want to be criticized, simply say NOTHING about your actions or beliefs. The less said, the better IMHO ~~ I don't view this as lying or not "being yourself".....merely as protecting your own interests. ;)

my 2c

[Cheyanne]

YOU are master of your body and sexual ethics, and need not let anyone else dictate them to you. I have a much more open attitude about sex and sexual norms than about 90% of my peers.....but I've also learned that discretion is sometimes the better part of valour. If you don't want to be criticized, simply say NOTHING about your actions or beliefs. The less said, the better IMHO ~~ I don't view this as lying or not "being yourself".....merely as protecting your own interests. ;) my 2c

^^^^^^That woman is so smart :D !

My first thought when I read your post and not any of the replies was that you should "refrain from mentioning" certain things that, sorry to say, are judged and utilized by others to put you down and make you feel unworthy. I also don't view not mentioning as lying - just filtering the honesty...

Now, on the other had, if these people are talking about their own perceptions of your activities without you telling them, that is another story. That is beyond your control and thus should be dismissed by you and not allowed to eat at you and make you feel bad. When others do that sort of thing, they are 1) trying to make themselves look better to whomever they are talking to. 2) are jealous of your freedom and want to lock you down based on their own restrictions of what they perceive are society's expectations of the behavior of women. How repressed they are!

It is really sad that society accepts violence, blood, and gore but still seeks to restrain anything to do with sex. Unfortunately you are at the age where the majority of your peers aren't as accepting of themselves and tend to judge others based on an ideal of what they "think" is right for all and not an individual.

To broaden that view - there are many Pixies who cannot show their face here for fear of retribution - losing their jobs, or being judged in their community. You aren't alone with this at all - what we do is "Refrain from Mentioning"..

(((HUGS)))

[flutelady]

The thought did cross my mind a few times that she might consider not mentioning certain things, but she was clear about not wanting to have to be different things to different people, but rather to be her true self all the time.

I agree that somethings are best left unsaid, but I also understand where she's coming from. Maybe there's some kind of middle ground she can find...? Either way, I believe in "if they don't like me the way I am, screw them".

[BIBI]

True friends do not judge. They accept you for who you are. It is much easier as you get older to let what other people think and say go in one ear and out the other. Now is a good time to start.....:)

[fzzy]

I agree with most everything our pixies members have said here ... what I have to add is something I learned relatively late in my life (so far) that I don't have a right to control what someone else thinks, even when it's about me ... it's no fun knowing that people are judging you, but they still have the right to do so .... and I'm not sure that I'm completely in agreement that friends don't judge you ... they may very well do so, they just love you in spite of whatever it is. I guess that's my :cents:

[Oldfart]

PantyFanatic, I am shocked.

My use of the term lesser girls was part of their thoughts.

I was being sardonic, nay ironic.

There is nothing lesser about girls who actively explore their lives, sexually, emotionally,

physically, scholastically, religiously, and cerebrally.

Isn't irony ironic.

[Kaelynn]

Thank all of you for all your advice.

Just to clear something up, I don't openly discuss everything I am into or my personal life in general, only if I am asked point blank, even then my answers can usually be taken two ways, so it isn't like I brag or tell everyone I come in contact with, I do refrain from saying a lot.

The problem is this girl that is doing this to me has been my friend for three years now, and she asks me point blank, I can't lie to her. She even presses me for specific details about things. She sees what I do as wrong and recently has been really obsessed about changing me. I don't feel I have to change, she just has to be more accepting of me. I love this girl to death, we have been through a lot together, and she is too important to shut out.

At the same time, she hurts me... a lot. I just don't know what to do about it.

[Belial]

There's the good old double standard that makes me nuts- if a guy sleeps with several girls, he gets pats on the back and is a "stud". If a girl sleeps with a few guys, she's a "slut". Who the hell do "they" think the guys are sleeping with, anyway? One of the things I like about Pixie's is that this double standard isn't alive and well here.

Don't let the assholes get you down. Hold your head up and be true and proud of yourself. Anyone worth having as a friend will NOT judge you. Let the rest go screw themselves.

This double standard doesn't always apply even in the "real world". If I was found by my family to have been sleeping with several girls, I most certainly would not get a pat on the back. It is this repression that I believe may lead to the "ok to fuck but not to take home to mother" phenomenon - a girl that advertises her virginity and/or does not carry herself in a manner suggesting any trace of sexuality is good for placating one's parents, should they be repressive in this way. This of course raises the question of why someone would be man enough to be having sex but not to go up against his parents, but that's a whole other issue.

Also, let it not be missed that many men with highly active sex lives are known by far less complimentary names than "stud" - for example, "sleaze", "desperado", "man-whore". That is not to say that the double standard is not alive and well, of course. There are plenty of examples of that.

Now Kaelynn, the simple (and somewhat flippant) answer to your question of why these girls think they are better than you is that's the way their value systems work. They believe that everyone should be virgins until some specific point (eg Marriage, relationship lasting x months, etc) and that part of a person's value, more or less, is derived from their adherence to that. Another possibility is that their egos dictate that they must make themselves feel superior in some way and they seize on this "opportunity". Either way, the most important thing is that you feel good about who you are and from what I know about you, you do :)

Keep enjoying yourself :)


:x: :hug: :sex:

[scotzoidman]

Thank all of you for all your advice.

Just to clear something up, I don't openly discuss everything I am into or my personal life in general, only if I am asked point blank, even then my answers can usually be taken two ways, so it isn't like I brag or tell everyone I come in contact with, I do refrain from saying a lot.

The problem is this girl that is doing this to me has been my friend for three years now, and she asks me point blank, I can't lie to her. She even presses me for specific details about things. She sees what I do as wrong and recently has been really obsessed about changing me. I don't feel I have to change, she just has to be more accepting of me. I love this girl to death, we have been through a lot together, and she is too important to shut out.

At the same time, she hurts me... a lot. I just don't know what to do about it.
Alas, this is a problem where there may be no really good solution...she's convinced that your business is hers, & it's her job to save you...& you love her too much to tell her to butt out...I have had such friends, & I have no easy answers, save to suggest that next time she insists on digging into your life & saving you from what she perceives as your immorality, you gently deflect her by changing the subject..."hey look, it's Halley's Comet!" ;)

[Cheyanne]

At the same time, she hurts me... a lot. I just don't know what to do about it.

Then sit her down and tell her that she hurt you. You are the same person that she knew before you answered her honestly and your friendship shouldn't change. If she feels that she has to save you from yourself - she obviously cares about you to try to help you even though you don't really need the help. Let her know that you appreciate her too...it is rare to have a friend like you described - one who wants to save you from yourself.. :D

[PantyFanatic]

….The problem is this girl that is doing this to me has been my friend for three years now, and she asks me point blank, I can't lie to her. She even presses me for specific details about things. She sees what I do as wrong and recently has been really obsessed about changing me. …..
That would almost make you believe maybe she has spent a LOT of time thinking about things she doesn’t want to think about. :) ……………………… maybe. ;)







:spin:

[Oldfart]

Kaelynn

What is more important to you, your sanity and self esteem or falling into line

with this person's expectations of you?

Your choice, tough as it may seem.

[LixyChick]

Thank all of you for all your advice.

Just to clear something up, I don't openly discuss everything I am into or my personal life in general, only if I am asked point blank, even then my answers can usually be taken two ways, so it isn't like I brag or tell everyone I come in contact with, I do refrain from saying a lot.

The problem is this girl that is doing this to me has been my friend for three years now, and she asks me point blank, I can't lie to her. She even presses me for specific details about things. She sees what I do as wrong and recently has been really obsessed about changing me. I don't feel I have to change, she just has to be more accepting of me. I love this girl to death, we have been through a lot together, and she is too important to shut out.

At the same time, she hurts me... a lot. I just don't know what to do about it.
Hi Kaelynn,

We've got some pretty smart people here at Pixie's, and I think you've come to the right place and received some really good advice...in as much as can be deciphered from the information you provided. We aren't there...in your shoes...when this dilemma is going on for you, but we try to walk in your shoes and provide advice as to what we might do in the same circumstance. This tidbit I offer is just that...my walk in your shoes and what I would do if it were happening to me!

This seems to be much more a problem for your g/f to cope with, than it is for her to want to "help" you. What I mean is...she is using her ideals and morals and taking it as a personal wrong in her life, something she would never do and therefore it must be wrong...instead of remembering we are all individuals and are responsible for our own actions. It sounds to me (from the info you supplied) like she is a very religious and/or moral person. That she wants to change you is her way of showing her love for you. The thing that I dislike about people like this is that they cannot/will not allow themselves to think that what they believe isn't necessarily true...but their own interpretation of the truth as it applies to them. If they've interpreted "it" as the way to live for them...then it surely must be the way everyone should interpret/understand "it"...whatever "it" may be. And if we don't...we are wrong and need to be steered in the right direction.

In a way it's sorta sad for her, because she has pidgeon-holed herself into a life that will never allow her to think off the cuff...think for herself...and be spontaneous and open-minded. She'll always have to resort to "the book" (whichever book she gets her ideas from...it just may be the book of upbringing) and be herded into a life that was written by someone else in order to "keep us all in line".

My mother always taught me..."Don't inflict your likes and dislikes on others. Instead, respect and tolerate the differences...fore, you may learn something in the long run". Mom was a REALLY smart woman!

As to how I would handle this situation if it were me? I'd thank your friend for caring enough to worry about me and my well being. I'd tell her that her fears are unfounded however, and that her efforts might be better served if she opened herself to the idea that life is for living...we are sexual beings and that fact cannot be denied in any book ever written. Of course, if your way of life was leading you to become a serial killer or something of that nature, you might appreciate her steering you in another direction. But since there has been no harm-no foul...it shouldn't concern her to the point of obsession. There are far worse things going on in this world that she could expend her energy on.

When she wants to talk about your sex life...just tell her that at this point it's just rhetoric because she has no basis of comparison. Her one-sidedness makes it argumentative and hurtful instead of helpful. I'd word that a little more delicately though...lol! If she is religious and is using that as her back-up...ask her to "judge not, lest she be judged"...or if she is "without sin", go on and cast her stones! Who amoung us is truly "without sin"? Tell her you've been hurt by her judgements and would really appreciate it if she could accept what already is (you being sexual) and that cannot be changed. Ask her, if she can't live with that knowledge, wouldn't it be better to not talk about it anymore? What's done is done and there is no way to get your virginity back...not that you'd want it back...but it'd be preposterous to act like losing it never happened! Hug her! Hug her long and hard...and tell her you understand her concerns but they are just that...her concerns...and you are there for her, to help her work her way through them, should she need you! Ask her if she thought it would help her if you started "recruiting" her to your side. Ask her if she'd be hurt or offended if you became obsessed with helping her lose her virginity. The pendulum swings both ways, ya know! Then just hug her again and tell her that, even though you know she has your best interests at heart...they are YOUR interests...and you'll be there for her if/when they become hers as well!

My 2 pennies!

[PantyFanatic]

You really need to get out more often Lixy. :grin:








;)

[LixyChick]

You really need to get out more often Lixy. :grin:








;)
I really do go on and on...don't I?

OK...condensed version...

Don't judge me till you've experienced what it is you are judging!

How's that PF? *lifts skirt to get a better review of point of view* :halo:

[PantyFanatic]

I like to think of you as your mom’s daughter better than OldFart’s. :)

Carry on. :D








lmao ;)

[PantyFanatic]

Actually I just like to think of you. :lust:



*kneels to get better point of view* :drool:

[Oldfart]

I would hate to think of Lixy as my daughter.

You can't think these wonderful thoughts about your daughter.

Lixy is one of my rays of sunshine.

[LixyChick]

I would hate to think of Lixy as my daughter.

You can't think these wonderful thoughts about your daughter.

Lixy is one of my rays of sunshine.
Whew! I'm glad I read this entire reply and not just the first line...I was getting all teary eyed when I started reading.

((((((((((Oldfart))))))))))) You make me smile too!

[Oldfart]

TY too

[cowgirltease]

I call them immature men.

[Stinger]

What can I say that Lixy and many other fine pixians haven't already said.
She does need to know that her comments do hurt as mental scars take a lot more time to heal if they ever do. If she is a true friend, she would accept you as you are and not try to change you and if she asks for more sexual details, then I would let her know that it is better that you keep them to yourself as not to offend or upset her. If you two are close, I am sure you can work it out with her. I hope for the best for you and remember, to love and care for yourself first as no one will love you as much as you do.

[Irish]

True friends do not judge. They accept you for who you are. It is much easier as you get older to let what other people think and say go in one ear and out the other. Now is a good time to start.....:)
Unfortunately,you don't realise this,until you get older!Everyone has an inner
desire to be liked.All that I can say,is as I have said,many times before:
The ONLY person that you can really satisfy,is the person that looks back
from the mirror! Irish