Love and Marriage

[osuche]

I'd appreciate any advice you might have for a happy marriage. Any little tidbits you've picked up along the way, that you wish you would have known when you started out.

I could really use some wisdom right about now. ;)

[imaginewithme]

Always put your friendship to one another first. I find that he and I being the best of friends has gotten us thru anything and everything. Communication is sooo very important!

Good luck!!!

[Lilith]

Love, sex, money, weather, along with a myriad of other things will come and go but being someone's very best friend is forever.

Love eachother every day...not in word, but in deed.

[Loulabelle]

It's sometimes better to be happy than to be right.


If it's something relatively small, it's best for you BOTH to be willing to drop the subject so that you can both be happy, than to argue about who's right for the sake of it.

[musicman]

NEVER go to bed angry....a fight is temporary - a true love is forever....

[jseal]

osuche,

After 10 years, you probably know this one, but a successful marriage takes work.

[osuche]

osuche,

After 10 years, you probably know this one, but a successful marriage takes work.


John, I know hun. And I agree. It's been a damn long haul, but I wouldn't trade a day for anything. And I will try to keep that in mind, even when he pisses me off. :D

[Cheyanne]

LOL - yes, that is important to know that you still love the man - even when he pisses you off! Accept that fact that he will probably piss you off more than once during your marriage! (As you will probably piss him off too!)

Love, understanding, respect - realize that as you continue on your journey of marriage that you are each individuals and your reactions to things will be different - and respect those differences don't try to mold them into your own perspectives.

Don't allow outside influences (family, friends, work, etc.) to get in the way of the life that both of you are establishing for yourselves.

Understand the fact that you are constantly evolving in your attitudes, deisres, interests, etc... and he is evolving as well and should understand your changes.

Realize that even though you love each other it is ok to not like each other on occassion.

Don't sweat the small stuff - is it really important for you to get mad at him if he leaves the toilet seat up? Is it really important for him to get mad at you if you leave your makup on the bathroom sink? (Just an example)

As you are each individuals in your life together - sometimes you must encourage and accept an idea or event that you feel wouldn't be totally right in order for your SO to be able to grow.

Always discuss purchases together! LOL

Have fun! Don't loose sight on what makes you each laugh.

The other is your best friend...speak about personal things - things that you would consider secret, interests, deisres (no matter how strange) only to each other and not to strangers, family members, etc.

If you are mad at each other - tell only him and he should tell only you - don't complain about each other to others.

Find something each and every day that you love about your husband or wife - no matter how small. (I noticed just recently how Cobalt's hair slightly curls at the back of his neck when it is close to the time for him to get a haircut - it made me smile)

Imagine yourself together when you are old together - holding hands, going to a movie, laughing, and taking care of each other when there is an illness.

Cobalt gave me a gift the other day - he told me that I, and only I, know something about him that no one else will ever know. That gift of total trust in me with something that is so very personal is something that I will cherish to the end of my days.

These are just a few things that Cobalt and I keep in mind for us to be healthy in our marriage.

(The only time that it matters to me if he leaves the toilet seat up is when I have to rush to the bathroom in the middle of the night and don't want to turn lights on as to not wake anyone up and I fall into the water - it doesn't hurt to remind someone every now and then about stuff that annoys you... lol ) ;)

[cowgirltease]

Hell I don't know what to tell you. I've done been thru 3 of them. If you figure it out let ME know. LOL :D

[IAKaraokeGirl]

Osuche, we've already had some long talks, but I'm not sure if I told you how honored I am that I was blessed to be one of the first to know. You have my respect and admiration in everything you do, and the impulsiveness of this act seems to fly face first in contrast to your normal, calculated, "engineering" personality. But, when it comes to love, things aren't always set in stone, and you have to go which way the wind takes you. It may not be what you always envisioned, and it may be more full of surprises than you ever expect. But each thing that happens to the two of you along the way is a point from which to grow--together.

All my love.

[jennaflower]

I am not one who can offer wisdom on this topic... all I can share is that you must never lose the appreciation for what you have found and never take it for granted... never place it below anything else for in the toughest of moments, it is the bond with him that you share that will sustain you.

[dicksbro]

Well, these have worked for us for about 41 years now so I offer them for what they're worth. Probably the biggest thing of all ... we accept each other for who we are and not for what we'd like the other to be.

But ... a couple of things that might help ...

1. If you're going to argue ... and you will sometimes ... "fight naked." It's hard to stay angry in the buff and it helps with the making up process..
2. Be forgiving ... one of the best lessons. During dating we never notice the little things that can drive us crazy later. Very similar to my first comment.
3. A great marriage takes work. It's not a 50-50 thing ... it's a 100-100 thing (or a little more).
4. Oh yeah ... feelings are neither right nor wrong ... they're just feelings.

Sure hope that everything good will flow your way! ;)

[Jude30]

The most important thing my wife and I ever did to help our marriage was to get counselling when we needed it. So many couples refuse to get help when they desperately need it because neither one of them wants to admit that they might be wrong or at fault for where they happen to be in their relationship.

[Bardog]

The best advice I can give is
1- Don't let the little things bug you
2- When the little things do bug you Talk to each other about it
3- I'm the little thing that usually bugs her :jester:


Congrats and best wishes

[Pita]

Such wonderful advice given here already. I would add the one thing we learned very early on was that no matter what the fight or how bad it is there is no talk of leaving each other. That is not one of the options. If you both agree to this then you can fight, talk and make-up without having to unpack your bags. ;)

[osuche]

Thank you all for your advice. There are some gems in here! I'll respond more fully later to them ~~ and anyone else who cares to post (hint, hint)

WI and Aqua -- any tips???? :D :D :D I'd love more male perspective!

[skyler_m]

HOLY CRAP! CONGRATULATIONS, SWEETY! that's awesome.

i doubt i can add much more to what everyone else has said. My wife seems to think that me being on the road 5 days a week has helped, but I wouldn't really give that advice to anyone. :D

[WildIrish]

Like Jseal referred to...after having been together for 10 years already, well you must have a pretty good grasp on what it takes.

My grandparents were married (to each other) for 62 years. 62 years! Their secret...they cared more about each other than they did themselves. It really was that simple. I have countless examples of the little ways they showed each other they cared.

They used to kiss every night at 7:00. I asked them seperately why they kissed every night at 7:00 and my grandmother said "Your grandfather likes when I kiss him." And what did my grandfather say? Yup, you guessed it. "Your grandmother likes when we kiss."

When my grandfather got home from work at 5:00 every day (because nothing going on at work was more important than coming home to his wife and family) my grandmother had dinner on the table for him. Now before you freak out and start screaming about how sexist that was, remember what I said earlier. She had dinner waiting for him because she wanted to. He would never have been upset over something like dinner. She did it because she cared about him.

The only thing I ever heard them argue about was changing the sheets on the bed. Whenever one would do it, the other would argue that they should've just left it for them. Can you imagine arguing with your spouse because they got to strip the bed and not you?

So...just care about Mr. Osuche.

[osuche]

WI, what you said is so true! I recently learned that a restaurant Mr. Osuche and I had frequented for years -- about once per month for 8 years -- which I secretly thought was mediocre but thought he loved....LMAO....we BOTH dislike it! He thought I LOVED it. So that just goes to show you .... well, that we need to communicate better. ;)

We often wonder if we're weird. (other than the obvious) We discuss, but we never fight. I don't think either one of has has yelled at the other for about 5 years. Not that we don't have our problems ~~ but they're the big persistent ones like when to have kids. We've been "discussing" that for about 8 years now. :D

[campingboy]

There is one of your problems. Discussion is not how you get kids. If you need more info on the kid issue let me know.

Not speaking from marrage experence - but if you love the person uncondissionally then you will not do anything to hurt them(hurt can be words, actions, feelings). Because hurting them hurts yourself and that is not what love is.

[Lilith]

WI, what you said is so true! I recently learned that a restaurant Mr. Osuche and I had frequented for years -- about once per month for 8 years -- which I secretly thought was mediocre but thought he loved....LMAO....we BOTH dislike it! He thought I LOVED it. So that just goes to show you .... well, that we need to communicate better. ;)

We often wonder if we're weird. (other than the obvious) We discuss, but we never fight. I don't think either one of has has yelled at the other for about 5 years. Not that we don't have our problems ~~ but they're the big persistent ones like when to have kids. We've been "discussing" that for about 8 years now. :D
Have you ever read the children's books George and Martha? That is how I perceive a good marriage. Like you Osuche we don't scream and yell. We just respect each other too much. Mr. Lil is not an expressive/passionate man (I'm not talking about sex) but I know that about him. I am the opposite and he admires that in me. I think we tend to compliment the other's weaknesses. Our life is calm, no drama. I don't think I could be happy with someone who didn't think about how his actions would affect me/our family. It's the only thing keeping me from hopping a plane and ruining someone's life.:D

[LixyChick]

Some woman marry in hopes that SHE can be the one to change the man. Some men marry in hopes that He can keep her just as she is. Life is ever changing. Let it...not you...be the one to bring it about. Then...go with the flow!

Always say "I Love You". It never loses it's effect!

If you keep seperate accounts...have at least one joint account. It's a marriage for crying out loud! Share the monetary burdens and benefits!

There's tons more but I am running out of time this morning. Best wishes hun! I'm so happy for you!

[osuche]

**scribbles furiously**

Joint accounts? Hmmm...but then I'd have to see how he spends money on books....maybe that would be a good bonding experience. :D

Lil and I have something else in common ~ a calm and respectful marriage. Hope we can keep ours after having kids. ;)

Discussion does NOT create children. :D :p Really?!? I'll have to mention that one to Mr. Osuche.



THANKS everyone ~~ there are some gems in here.

[WildIrish]

If you keep seperate accounts...have at least one joint account.


Sounds like someone's been listening to Steph! :D

[campingboy]

Money. My parents have two joint Visa accounts. But they only have a card to one of them. They both have a cash account for interact - that was set up after mom bought something and then dad tried to buy something later on that same day. Pay cheques are deposited into a joint account. All bills are paid from that account too. Sounded complicated but it works for them.

[rabbit]

1) Communication...if you're not on the same page, confront it immediately.

2) Give 75%, take 25%.

3) Put your money together.

4) Be kind and considerate.

5) Say "I love you" at lot. It matters.

[hardhornyhubby]

I've been married twice
Found both time sext tailed of remarkably post wedding
not sure if most women are like that or maybe its just me thats the problem

[Wildeye]

Love is about being best friends,

its much more than sex, though sex is a part, love is being there thru tough times, doing the washing, giving your partner a nite out, enjoying all of the best and worst, loving the unappealing bits and it is so fragile and just so, so easy to damage,

for me its constantly listening to her job problems, understanding when she has a headache, hot waterbottle and duvet when its a tough period, tea and chocolate, opening a door for her, taking out the trash, being me..

sex is just one way of being open and vulnerable

good luck

wildeye

[osuche]

Have I told you guys lately that I love you all? Thanks for the tips....I've enjoyed reading (and thinking about) your thoughts. :D

[Teddy Bear]

CONGRATULATIONS!!

(I've been away for awhile and just found out.)

Wishing you a home filled with love, laughter, good health and happiness!!

I say 'ditto' to all the great advice already given!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Treat each day like theres no tomorrow......
Never part angry,
Talk about everything,
Laugh together,
Cry together,
Share your dreams,
And love with all your heart!!

[dicksbro]

When my grandfather got home from work at 5:00 every day (because nothing going on at work was more important than coming home to his wife and family) my grandmother had dinner on the table for him. Now before you freak out and start screaming about how sexist that was, remember what I said earlier. She had dinner waiting for him because she wanted to. He would never have been upset over something like dinner. She did it because she cared about him.

So much truth in WI's comment here. For years before I retired, I always had to go into work early. My wife always made sure she was awake to either make me breakfast or just to kiss me goodbye. That act of love meant more to me than a zillion of anything else.

For myself, I do not honestly believe I've ever said a mean spirited word about my wife to anyone else. Even when we've had bad times ... and we have ... she's always been my princess to the rest of the world. In fact, she was to me to ... even when we've got problems. I remember really getting upset one time (who knows why?) and so I took off in a huff thinking I'd stop at a bar or something. I didn't. I went into work and then called her so she'd know where I was. Didn't stay long and was back home to be with her. :)

[rasty12]

love, forgive and fight fairly. stay on point of argument, no past arguments brought up, no past actions, only theproblem at hand. avoid the word why because it elicits an emotional response. ask a child why they broke the window and excuses will flow. ask the same child how the window came to be broken and you'll probably hear that the ball was hit and went through the window. last for now, LISTEN AND ASSUME PARTNERS WORDS HAVE VALUE!!

[jay-t]

In high school I took a Family Living class and one day two kids quit playing footise long enough to listen to the Rules of Marriage be explained.

1. aways tell each other I love you at least 3 times a day (when you forget to do this over a period of time love may fade away)
2. Never leave the house during an argument (what if something happened to one of you the other one would never forgive themselves)
3 never go to bed mad at each other, talk it out key word TALK not yell (besides making up is fun)
4. the silent treatment never solved a problem, only talking can do that.
5 It takes a 110% from both of you to make it work.
6. when you realise you mate is your best friend then you have a successfull marriage.

We have had our ups and downs over the years these rules won"t solve every thing but they sure do help keep small problems from getting bigger! Its worked for us for 31 yrs. On our 25th wedding aniv. we sent that teacher a Thank You card.

Good Luck and the best of wishes