Spicing it up

[OzKristin]

What do you guys and gals do to help keep the spice in your relationship?
Having lived w/ my b/f for quite some time, and having just celebrated 3 yrs in the beginning of August, I wasn't ready to get into such a spot like this(the worst it's ever been).

I haven't been interested in sex (at least since I posted up those last pics of mine anyway lol!) and don't even really want to be around him...a depression spell (again, ugh) may be the reason for this, but I'm on meds to help that.....but I digress, I was just really curious how you guys keep that spark strong!

Thanks!

[WildIrish]

First order of business is to talk to your doctor. Medications often impact libido. If your loss of sexual desire preceded the meds but came after the depression then that's another thing to discuss with doc.

I've posted advice on this topic elsewhere and the theme is generally the same. Sex is rarely the problem. It's usually a symptom of the problem. With animosity or resentment comes a lack of desire to be intimate with someone. Fix the problem and the symptoms will go away.

[cowgirltease]

prozac,paxil,zoloft,desyrel,effexor,mellaril,lithium,xanax,valium,b-6,cholesteral lowering drugs,tagamet,antiseizure drugs,just to name a few are all on the list of drugs that cause sexual dysfunction.
I have just finished reading a book by Lana L. Holstein, M.D. called "How to have magnificent sex" that I recommend. It also touches on those topics that WildIrish was just talking about. You'd be surprised at the "other" things in your life that affect your sex life as well that you aren't even aware of.


On the other hand....Have you tried body paints for fun? :)

[Steph]

Speaking as a non-legally medicated gal with gams, when I lose sexual interest it's always due to other issues dragging down the relationship. You're young, you've got a world of dreams & you might not be with him for the rest of your life.

[Loulabelle]

The contraceptive pill's always been a bastard for me in terms of my libido.

So has been carrying excess weight (which I know we've been discussing in another thread!) so has an s/o who wasn't interested in foreplay or seduction or any of the things I like about sex.

Perhaps you need to remind yourself of what turns you on in sex, what it is that gets you really excited and then ask yourself whether or not you are still getting that. If it's spontaneity or teasing or variety or whatever, ask yourself whether or not sex with your s/o still gives you that, and whether you've become desensitised to that, or whether he's just not delivering the goods. If you feel that it's just that he's not delivering, then talk to him about it....it'll be in his best interests as well as yours and if it requires a little bit more effort on his part, then he needs to make that effort.

From my own experience, I'd say it's really easy to blame a drug you're on, or work stress or whatever, but that can sometimes be just an easier option than addressing the fact that one or both of you is not making the neccesary effort in the bedroom. If when you're finally having sex, you do enjoy it, but you just never "feel like it" to begin with or it takes you ages to feel aroused enough to actually have sex, I think you need to address the way in which you're entering into sex with your partner. You don't want to end up stuck in the situation, where he's begging for sex, rather than arousing you and making you feel desired and desirable. As I used to say to my ex, "'Pleeeeeeeaaaaaase' really doesn't count as dirty talk to me, and it doesn't turn me on." If the two of you are in a place where he wants sex and you don't, the onus is surely on him, to 'seduce' you. This is where a lot of guys seem to fall down, so perhaps he needs to be reminded of how he treated you when you first got together.....if he was on a first date with you and was trying to get you into bed, how would he behave? And how would you be feeling? You'd be feeling that you could go exactly as far as you wanted, and no further, without any feelings of guilt about 'not letting him have what he wants'. Sometimes the expectation our partners put on sex (everytime we share a passionate kiss, every time we share a shower, every time we cuddle up to the naked in bed) can be such a turn off. See if the pair of you can remove the pressure of sex, by banning it for a period of time (say a month) and allowing yourselves to do 'everything but' doing more and more each session so that you can progress at your own pace. I know that's what would have helped me, when I was in a situation like you're in now. Unfortunately my ex couldn't be bothered to put the effort into improving our situation, which is why he's now an ex!

[OzKristin]

yes, i know that the drugs cause side affects, but I'm on one that has close to no side affects in that department, and I know b/c I've been on it for awhile...this problem lies stricly within the area of just trying to be happy....
as some of you know..i'm also diabetic w/ a slow thyroid, and sometimes no matter how hard i try, the cycle of depression just eases its way back

[OzKristin]

and thank you all for your advice!

[Vullkan]

Is there something wrong with the relationship? Maybe its not medical--love is love and if your feelings for him are still there but not sexual interest it could be medical. At times like this a good lover will cuddle you and hold you, giving you emotional support. That more so will stoke the fires.

Perhaps you may wish to look at what in the past awoke desires--stories you would have read--pics...activities.

But with love that comes first--sex in a relationship is just one of the many benefits of a good loving relationship