Fairly Mystified

[kathy1]

I am completely mystified over this situation. If anybody can shed a little light, I sure would appreciate it.

As some of you know, I'm recently seperated and slowly but surely getting back into dating again. I'm not really interested in finding that second Mr. Right (maybe a Mr. Rightnow, but that's about the limit of me)..... still too many personal issues coming out of such a destuctive marriage. And it seems like everybody I go out with (with the exception of one married guy who sorta neglected to mention that he was married.... uh huh, adios to that one ---- i just don't need the drama)....anyway, all the rest seem to want a commitment. I try as hard as I can to explain how I feel and what I'm looking for...... just some friendship.....someone to go out and have some fun with....and then go home and have some better fun with.....and that's really it. Why after a few dates, have they all gotten so clingy? It just seems that each one has wound up wanting to put their leash on my neck ( and i don't mean the fun kind) or tattoo their name on my ass. Can someone explain this to me? I haven't met one shallow one in the bunch.

Maybe I could even understand it if I were as drop dead gorgeous as some of our pixie ladies like IWM and CGT, but I'm not. (Oh, I'm not downing myself, I'm just a realist) One of my best buds is male and his take on it is, that it's because I'm so overtly sexual and every man wants one like that. Says he'd even apply for the position if he weren't married. (See? All the good ones are taken!!!) One of the girls I work with says she thinks it's because I have such an independant, kick-ass-and-take-names-later kinda attitude....like they have to conquer me or sumpin. Have times changed that much while I was trapped in that dungeon of a marriage? Where oh where are all the guys wanting no strings attached?

And yes, to those who understand the issues I'm working thru, I'm not saying this is a forever way of thinking. It's just best for me for right now and best for whoever I'm with.....it just seems wrong of me to drag into a relationship all the crap that my own personal ex-asshole deposited between and betwixt my ears until i've sorted and gotten it either organized or thrown away.

Thanks for listening.

[Steph]

I'm in a similar boat so I can't offer much advice. The last guy I dated assumed we'd be moving in together right away! :eek: I just decided that I had to remain single from then on until I was ready for a relationship.

My only advice would be to stock up on batteries. :D

It could be that it's because you're overtly sexual (never hurts when a man is "hunting" :D) but I think it's the independance factor, too. A couple of women I know are models and very, very good lookin but they're so high maintenance and clingy that men inevitably run away.

[GingerV]

Until you're god damned good and ready for something more, stand your ground, Hon. You know best what you need right now.

As far as what happened to the guys, is it possible that the free and easy chaps you knew before your marriage went and got older? Now maybe you're on the wrong side of the curve. They're looking to settle down, finally, and you're not in that place any more. It's not malice, just bad luck ;).

Still, I'm sure you'll find playmates. Just keep looking. Many points to you for being honest with them up front. I'm sure they're just as frustrated that a great person doesn't want to commit as you are that they don't want to just play.

If that made any sense.....had a couple tonight ;)

[Grumble]

I think perhaps that you attract the deeper sort of guy who is ready to settle down and wants more than a good fuck.

It is pretty ironic really, many women lament that there seem to be none around and you keep meeting them.

You have to do what is best for you though and get over the shit you are dealing with inside before you get serious. Curvy did the same thing and did not date at all for a couple of years before she set her sights on me.

So Steph may be right in saying to stock up on batteries. I think having a shallow man is not a good way to go.

Take care

[osuche]

LMAO. I've often had the same problem. Just can't find men looking for a good fuck and nothing more. Maybe we should start up a support group. My problem is that while I don't look for commitments, I *do* want a guy I can talk to after the sex is over. Someone who has *something* going on upstairs. Maybe this is your problem too....and we both need to go hunting for beefcakes together. :hot:

[Lilith]

I think age probably has a lot to do with it. Maybe hunt for younger beefcake. Most men I know in their late 30's-40's are no longer shying away from commitment and imtimacy. They seem to like the stability and confidence that are often found in a relationship vs. being on the hunt, risking rejection for the thrill associated with triumph. Both stages have their good points...I've often found it entirely unfair that some men's and women's sexual independence vs. emotional attachment phases seem to be flip-flopped.

[Catch22]

Hey! I am in my late 40s and up for anything! Other then dancing naked in warm custard that is.

[BigBear57]

and you dissed Mr Golddick for this? :whack: LMAO (inside joke Y'all)

[Loulabelle]

It's always been my experience that men want 'ownership' of me, in a way that I've not always been comfortable.

It's just how a lot of men are. You'd have no trouble going into a bar and getting a 'one night' quick fix to your problem, but those are the guys who really do treat you like shit, and don't have any respect for you, and it sounds to me like you've had enough of men like that.

I was in a similar situation a little while back myself. I wanted a 'friend' I could have sex with and have fun with, but the truth was, in fact, that at that time I just wasn't ready for a relationship, sexual or otherwise, despite my extreme level of sexual frustration. No guy was quite right for me, and no situation suited me properly, which I now realise was my way of avoiding a relationship of any kind.

In the end, my choice was to put up with the sexual frustration, and hope that my head would soon come to a place which would enable my body to have what it wanted. Sure enough, about a year of being single, I was ready to go into another relationship, unsure of what the future would hold. Thankfully for me, what started out as a fairly relaxed and casual affair, turned into a full blown romance. These things often do, and you can't stop them once you've started. And that's exactly the problem....no matter how casual the relationship is in the beginning, it may develop into something major, and at the back of your mind, you know that. Is it possible that that's why you're pushing away the men you're dating? It's really hard for anyone to maintain the status quo you're after in a relationship, as all relationships develop and evolve.

Perhaps you'd be better off sorting your head out completely alone, and investing in a good vibrator until you're in a position where you feel more comfortable about dating.

[Catch22]

I am just as good as a vibrator. I make a nice hum, not a loud buzz. I also do not cause static if the TV is on at the same time. :)

[cowgirltease]

kathy1
1. I am not drop dead gorgeous! C'mon now, But thanks for the compliment.
2.An independant, kick-ass-and-take-names-later kinda attitude means you aren't weak and clingy. Yeah, I'd say that was probably it. But watch out what you're attracting. It might be guys who want YOU to take care of them and that's no good either. I've been in that kind of a marriage before and it's no fun being mama instead of a wife. :rolleyes:
3.I think you're in the "use and abuse" stage right now. Meaning you need to unload all that baggage you're carrying around and not ready to let go of it.
The "he did this and he did that to me" stage. Go find a real good friend or a psych to talk to and get over it so you can get on with your life. It really does help. You don't need to carry a chip on your shoulder but you do need to hold your head high and take a good look at what direction you want to go now in life. You need to take some "me" time right now dear and heal your wounds. Then later you can make better choices in dating. BTW....... the guys aren't exactly knocking down my door since I'm single now. Yeah the ones who are clingy are. But that's not what I want. I'm glad Darogle got deployed after I met him. It gave me my "ME" time and a year of getting to REALLY knowing him and him getting to know me. We talk every day and I have found out and said things to him that we probably would have learned about each other being face to face.
4. Do you REALLY want a guy who doesn't want any strings attached? Who has no feelings? You better think about that one! There's nothing worse than be with some one and still being lonely.
BTW......I spent a lot of money on toys while he's been gone. But it's been worth every penny. :)

[africandan]

The CowGirl makes some very good points. Though I think Lilith has the closest thing to a general answer. That sort of attitude towards relationships is much more common in younger men - though of course there are some exceptions.

As a rule we have less at stake and a much more, for-the-moment kind of attitude. There's no pressure on us to settle down and we probably wouldn't listen to it even if there was!

I say find yourself some younger men who are capable of a conversation - there are some out there. We'd relish the chance for a bit of fun (especially the 'better fun') with an independent woman who knows what she's doing.

[Steph]

I can see what you're saying but the last two guys I dated who wanted to get serious were younger than me. :)

[cowgirltease]

Funny but, it seems in my situation all the guys come around AFTER I get attached. :rolleyes:

[africandan]

It always seems that way. It's the old waiting for a bus then three come at once feeling. I'm sure it's just a change in attitude that makes it seem that way.

[Vullkan]

(Ms Cowgirltease--indeed you are drop dead gorgious at least to my eyes)



Perhaps you are more comfortable with the earthy and tend to hang around them without realizing it. Hopefully as we men grow older we mature from a basier form to an more evolved stage. In our youth we love to play and look for settling down in our later years.

What is need is to find someone who understands your needs and will accept things for what they are. But regardless whom you are with if you tell them ahead of time of what you want; well if they get their feathers ruffled when you tell them to go pound sand--you can just say I told you so.

But simply the best advise is just to go "hunting" yourself. If your too aggressive the more earthy types who want to settle down will likely walk away from you.

[kathy1]

and you dissed Mr Golddick for this? :whack: LMAO (inside joke Y'all)

*spit.......THUD*
oooooof......owwwww.....aw damn (anudder inside joke)



and ty bear, but i'm sure it was gold plated and only a legend in his own hand

[kathy1]

Thank you to all the wise ones at pixies.....you really have given me food for thought....and honestly, the age comments make the most sense. Maybe they have all reached the age of wanting true commitment and I'm just learning to fly again. And I am taking time for me....that's exactly the reason I don't want to commit when I couldn't give it my all or receive his all. Make sense? Also, this me time includes a little bit of hedonistic pleasures.... sumpin I never had in that dungeon.


Awww Catch22....no warm custard? Even for meeeeeeeee????


Thanks again to you all......and CGT, I am working on cleaning out all the wrong things 'tween me ears.

[Catch22]

Thank you to all the wise ones at pixies.....you really have given me food for thought....and honestly, the age comments make the most sense. Maybe they have all reached the age of wanting true commitment and I'm just learning to fly again. And I am taking time for me....that's exactly the reason I don't want to commit when I couldn't give it my all or receive his all. Make sense? Also, this me time includes a little bit of hedonistic pleasures.... sumpin I never had in that dungeon.


Awww Catch22....no warm custard? Even for meeeeeeeee????


Thanks again to you all......and CGT, I am working on cleaning out all the wrong things 'tween me ears.

As long as it is smooth and not lumpy. It makes ya bum cheeks stick together!

[WildIrish]

I am just as good as a vibrator. I make a nice hum, not a loud buzz. I also do not cause static if the TV is on at the same time. :)

What the hell kind of vibrator are you using? :yikes: Anything that draws enough current to dim the lights or fuzz up the tv should run on gas and have a kickstart!

I say keep doing what you're doing. If you're upfront with guys in the beginning and consistent throughout the relationship then they shouldn't be suprised to see you move on if their needs change midstream. As far as determining what kind of guy is good for Mr. Rightnow vs Mr. LTC...well, I'm afraid there's nothing to do that in advance. Keen powers of observation and good communication is all you've got.

Hey, maybe if you incorporate some penalty? "If you get all :love: on me, I'm gonna :nuts: "

[Steph]

Have you not played with the Oral B electric wunderkind?