Disappointing others

[Belial]

A while ago, probably..mid-late March I think, I started on a project at uni. The project was very much non-trivial (for those to whom this makes sense, it was porting a driver from one OS to another). I had never worked with the target OS before. I was getting paid by the hour, too. This was in addition to studying two subjects as part of the tail end of my degree. As I went I was vaguely aware that I was not progressing well, but this week my supervisors told me that, having only completed the driver to the point where the device is initialized, my lack of progress was a real concern as they had hoped to have the driver complete at the end of semester and one of them would have to help pick up some of the slack. I now have more additional work to cope with than before and so it's only going to be more difficult.

The result is that I feel terrible for failing (hugely) to meet their expectations. I feel terrible for making more work for them. I feel terrible for betraying their trust in my ability, of which I now hold an extremely low opinion. I feel terrible for having been paid to do something and failing to deliver. And now it is time to select a thesis topic - as in, the next day or two. Right now I don't feel up to anything. Right now I wish I was so obviously incompetent that no-one trusted in my ability to do anything, so I would never disappoint them.

I'm struggling for ways of dealing with this. Hence this post.

[PantyFanatic]

It sounds like you just got you doctorate in “knowing your limit”. That course is one that most people never attend, let alone get their diploma from. This thread tell me you are doing something many students at uni haven’t done….. Learned something important for life.


;)

[Casperr]

Right now I wish I was so obviously incompetent that no-one trusted in my ability to do anything, so I would never disappoint them.

Nope, you sooo don't want that mate! Far worse than letting someone down is the feeling of being no good at anything - that feels like you're letting EVERYONE down.

How to handle it? Look at it sensibly. You were given something to do, and you had a shot at it and found - lo and behold, you ain't perfect. You make mistakes. You can't meet everybody's expectaions every time. There's a word for people like you: human.
If it's really bugging you, writing a letter to them apologising for having not come up with the goods they were hoping for. Explain the pressures you're under, and I'm sure they'll understand.
What matters is how you let this affect you. Is this particular incident a reflection of your real personality? I don't think it is. But in case it is, what're you gonna do about it? It's simple really - a golden rule. Never undertake a project you're not sure you can complete. If that means you have to research new OSes or learn new stuff, make sure you do that before saying Yes i'll do it.
Don't let it get you down - getting depressed just complicates things. Take a step back, look at the big picture and go "Phew, that wasn't good. But I'm still alive, I've still got my wits about me, and I'm still capable of great things".
And you are. You're not great at porting drivers, but you'll learn.

Relax, smile, watch some footy. What've you got to complain about when the Mighty Blues get a win over the Bombers? Life rocks mate!

CasperTG
<Wanders off whistling to Monty Python's Always Look on the Bright Side of Life>

[rockintime]

Belial…You’re not alone in doing something that doesn’t turn out as well as you would like it to have...that happens to EVERYone at times. And I don’t think you failed, you did accomplish some parts of the project…it’s further along than it was before you started…you either just didn’t have enough time to do it or needed some more experience or training to complete it in the timeframe desired by your supervisors. View it as a learning experience…if you want or need to develop your skills more in that area, you will.
Additionally, this also points out something else EVERYone needs…the ability to prioritize. When given more to do than the time available to do it, prioritize…get the most important things done and if you determine there are things that you can’t complete in the time they need to be done, let those expecting it to be done know so other arrangements can be made. For example, since it appears that you have a short deadline for selecting a thesis topic, that would appear to be a high priority right now…and that might mean that there a few other things you are doing that may slip lower on your set of priorities.
Don’t let this one setback keep you from moving on with your life…refresh your mind, think positively about yourself and move forward.

[GingerV]

Hey there....I aint gonna thank you for the flashback, cause I sure as hell didn't enjoy it. But boy oh boy do I know where you are and what you're talking about.

I'm not going to say anything to take away from what you're feeling right now, and I'm certainly not going to say something that implies that you're feeling one fraction less shitty than I was when I failed to do well in my first year of grad school. There were reasons, there were medical things going on behind the scenes, my advisor seriously dropped the ball and didn't give me the background info I needed....but basically, I screwed up and did I really half assed job on something that mattered. And I questioned whether I should be allowed to do anything else. 'Cause no matter how I cut it, I thought I could have done better.....and although I didn't realize it at the time, I was MORE disappointed in myself than my boss was in me.

But here's the thing. Years later, looking back on it, I was coping with a lot of other crap. Yes, I could have done better...if I had it to do over again TODAY, as the person I am now. Then, as the person I was, I couldn't. Today, I'd recognize sooner that I was in the weeds, I'd know how and whom to ask for help. And those are lessons I could only have learned BY screwing it up the first time. If you want to appologise to your bosses, do that. It may or may not make you feel better. But if you want to pay them back for the work they're about to put in to pull you out of trouble....take a deep breath, and LEARN from this. If you do nothing, crawl back into your shell, lower your sites, and give up on yourself.....you fail yourself. If you learn from this that failure sucks but doesn't kill, that people are human...and you should give them some slack when they fail you in turn, and that everyone benefits if you're honest about what you can do and adult enough to ask for help when you can't cope with what you've taken on......well.....then you MORE than anyone else should keep going on your path. Cause if you do all that, you'll never ever feel this bad again.

Sorry it's crappy, do please stick with it though. The people who should quit are the ones who would be making excuses right now, instead of giving themselves a kick in the ass.

G

[Teddy Bear]

((((Belial))))

What has already been said is great advice!

You failed at one thing, that does not make you a failure!! What you need to do now is pull yourself together and charge forward. Do what you need to do to learn more in your field and be confident that you can do it!! I think almost everyone has had something like this happen. Use it as a stepping stone to become the best you can be! Don't be a quitter and don't sit around being sad/mad.... "Today is the first day of the rest of your life". Make the most of it. You only go this way once!!

:) :) :)

[Irish]

Belial---As you get older,you realise,that you mostly dissapoint yourself.I wish
that I had realised,this earlier.Try to keep your self confidence.I would finish
things & it was never quite good enough.One day my wife said to me-You're
a perfectioist & you always think that you could do better.Try using the motto,that I have used for the last few years!" A winner never quits!A quitter never wins!"It has helped me greatly,I hope it helps you! Irish :rolleyes:

[Vullkan]

Truely it isn't over till its over and the dust settles. Come what may you need to not only learn from this venture but also have peace of mind at closure.

Till its over give it a 110%, fight for every little victory, ever measure of success. At the journeys end it will become time to take stock and reflect and for what its worth if you can say you gave it your all, even still smarting from defeat, you can at least have a clear conscience.

And if you have to do this over again, perhaps better prepared, you should be able to give it both barrels. The important thing for now is never surrender to despair.

[Loulabelle]

((((((Belial)))))))

I'm sorry to hear you're having problems honey. I'm afriad career things are not my forte (I'm far more suited to sex and relationship advice, I'm afriad - my own career's a disaster zone!) so I'll just give you a big hug and say I'm thinking of you. x

[Belial]

Thanks guys :)

I'm not feeling so bad about it now. The supervisors are going to supervise my thesis, on what is not exactly a simple topic, so they must think something positive about me, I guess. I have a fair amount of work to do for the next few days but as soon as I can I'll get back on to the driver. As that will pretty much be part of "the honours student's lot", I won't have the pressure of being paid to do it I guess, as I did when I was an undergrad (which was until mid-July). I also came to the realisation that I'm studying in the sort of environment that I've always wanted to, which is pleasing :)

*big hugs* :)

[BadChicken]

Partner, you better get back on that damn horse!! You know, if at first you don't succeed......... Just remember that the only way you will truly fail is by not trying again.

[Incubus255]

Yeah you can be really critical on yourself thats for sure, I know myself as I started as my new job just recently, although I've only been there three weeks my results were within the top of my division, as in being in the top three scoreing people right up there with people who had been there for nearly a year and I was already equaling there level, but now I find if I even have a slow night and do anything below the best I get real down on myself

although I"m doing great in everyone elses eyes , I know myself I"m capable of keeping up with the best people there and when I screw up I take it out hardest on myself, all the compliments I"m getting from coworkers and the higher ups don't really help cuz I know I have more potential than i'm taping into

lol for one of the first times I've become concerned with showing my abilities to others rather than just being fine with quietly accepting my own limits and knowing how far I can go, now when I fall short I take the hardest hit from myself,

I guess the point is that, hey your not alone , everyone hits there limits sometime and realizes they could do better if they did things different , the main thing is to turn the results into something that you can actually use, to learn from the mistakes and use it to bounce back, but hey, easier said then done eh?

[snaf]

I've been in so many situations like that its hard for me to compile what i've learned that may be helpful to you. Lets see... First of all, if you can't do a task, identify why and identify what you need to enable you to do it. It may be that your other responsibilities take precedence and there's nothing you or "they" can do to change it, but if you say " Hey, these are my responsibilities, when those are taken care of, here's the time I have left for this project. In order to complete the project I need more time." or perhaps its not time but some other resource. Like a helper or some documentation or a contact that you can call for support. Sometimes letting a superior handle gathering the resources while you work helps a ton. Or if some of your responsibilities can be pushed on someone else, your superior might make that happen if your project is important enough. But to accomplish that your superiors need to know the truth and the factors for your success.

You may not want to say to them "i cant do X, i thought i could, sorry". Instead say "to complete X I need the following things to happen" and let them decide how to get those things for you. One of those things may be pushing the deadline out to give you more time. Approach them with confidence and you may all come out ahead. If given all the factors they decide you can't complete the task, they may hand it off to someone else and at least you got the initialization done right? That's a start. And in that event did you fail? No, you did what you could with your resources, you truthfully made your superiors aware of the situation, and they took whatever steps they needed to manage the project. I don't see that as a failure at all. I see that as great experience, a beginning for the project, a step towards taking responsibility for yourself, and lastly and my favorite.. you got out of a situation on a positive note rather than negative. Saying you "can't" is negative. You can, just not with your other responsibilities.