Can't(won't?) orgasm during sex...

[Pandas]

Alright, a little of my sexual history first I suppose.

I'm 18, and I've been with three women. My first time was when I was 16, with an older and more experienced woman. In anticipation for the event, I didn't whack it for two weeks. In all honesty when it came down to the night I thought to myself "Oh shit, I haven't beat off for two weeks...I'm going to pop the second she touches me". Well, as you can tell by my thread title, it didn't happen. Second relationship..*shudder* Oops, is all I can say about that.

In my current relationship, the sex is very, very intense. In my limited experience It's never really been quite like this, and of course I love it. But that's not the point. In short I just plain don't cum during sex. I do when I masturbate, or when I get a blowjob. But no dice when we're having sex. As it is, I know I derive my pleasure from pleasing the person I'm with. If I've ever felt close to an orgasm it's when I hear her gasp "Oh god I'm cumming" and see that look on her face, hearing the sounds coming from her.

I can't say I'm really complaining about the situation, I know she isn't. ;) I still feel *extremely* satisfied after sex and I'm not dwelling over the fact that I didn't get off. I just know it's something I'd like to experience sometime. I guess I'm just curious if anyone else has been in this situation, and has it changed for you?

Sorry for the long post.

[Lilith]

Great first post and welcome. Not sure if this would help but have you ever abstained from masturbating surrounding a period when you assume you will have sex? Like for several days to a week before?

[WildIrish]

You might be psyching yourself out. Thinking and worrying about it might be taking precedence over allowing yourself to enjoy it on a deeper level. Relax...it'll come. Meanwhile, your partner is satisfied and you are too, so keep on enjoying each other.


And practice safe sex...nothing kills the mood like a crying baby.

[Oldfart]

I suspect that WI has hit the nail on the head.

Perhaps your fear of getting her pregnant is getting in the way.

Is she on the pill, diaphragm, fem-dom or other anti-descendant tactic?

Define the target range, set up the safety protocols and then you can shoot to your

heart's content (and hers).

[sweetlady]

I had a lover who couldn't cum during sex. I was very very understanding about it, and eventually, it came out that he felt like it was expected, and in some way something was wrong with him that he wasn't able to. He was finally able to cum with me because there was nothing at all wrong with him not cumming in my mind.

Allow yourself to be fine with it, let go of the pressure to perform. It's okay either way. Don't think of it as you denying her something, think of it as "just the way it is" instead of thinking of it as a performance. And there's also a thread in the advice area about a person who could only cum while he masturbated because basically he trained himself to do that. Just be patient with yourself, reassure her and yourself that it's nothing to do with her, and it's just an odd thing about you.

Heck, if she ever mentions it at all, just tell her she's SO sexy you can't bring yourself to put an end to your sessions by cumming, but you're trying to get over that. ;)

[Loulabelle]

When Fussy and I first got together, he would often find it difficult to achieve orgasm (partly because of the medication he was on - not sure if that might apply to you?) but we didn't let it bother us on the times it didn't happen....we just enjoyed the pleasure we were able to give each other and in time, I learned which of his buttons to press to send him over the edge (mainly psychological things, I might add....what things to say, what positions to move into and how to use the tone of my voice etc).

In our case, while it was sometimes difficult to get him to cum through intercourse, it was impossible for me to relieve him by hand or mouth, and it was only after about a year that I succesfully managed to make him cum with just my hand (although I think the porn and the dirty talk helped a little too). I have still not managed to make him cum with my mouth, but that does mean that we have fun with prolonged oral sex sessions, before moving on to more, er, fruitful sexual activities.

A quick question for you: have you masturbated and cum with her in the room with you? If not, that would probably be the first thing you should aim for. Sometimes men get nervous about letting go that first time in front of a woman.....it's a kind of performance anxiety. It's also a good way for her to learn how you touch yourself so that she might emulate your hand movements when she's pleasuring you. I know I never would have been able to make FussyPucker cum if I hadn't watched him do it himself. Plus it's such fun to add a little voyeuristic/exhibitionistic kink to your sex life. ;)