Sexual Identify Crisis

[LarryL]

Two very wise women here suggested I write in the Advice board. So I shall.

If any of you have struggled with a sexual identiy crisis, please can you give me any suggestions? This thing is tearing me apart. To question my sexual identity at nearly 53 years old just doesn't seem right, and it is damn inconvenient.
How do I deal with wondering if I have been gay all my life but choose the wrong lifestyle, that is, straight?

If you respond (((((((((((((((((please!))))))))))))))))))) consider that my earliest sexual experiences were gay before I hardly knew what sex was, and used to try on womens clothes as recently as 20 years ago. I've been in and out of adult book stores getting bj's all my life. Hell, I'm answering my own question aren't I? I'm scared people.

P.S. Please, please if I am being a bore, a baby, an ass, whatever and bringing everybody down with my personal crap, tell me. This is supposed to be a fun board, and I'm not always very fun. I ask because I can't see myself as clearly as you can. If I'm turning people off or, worse, chasing people away, please tell me.

[Vullkan]

Larry, it would be cruel that anyone would dare to call you a bore...etc...etc.... Many of us have the luxury of knowing who we are sexually, but to be human, we all have things that are odd or not quite right. Mine is that I don't think I could love again...but that is me.

AS to your situation you need to look within and find the answer. Truth be told we are all lonely inside our own heads (maybe save for those with multipal personalities)--the important thing is to be honest with yourself and not try to fudge the answers to your questions. All I can say is I can be thankful that this isn't one of my problems--haha!

[LarryL]

Thank you?

Good words man. You will probably hate me for this, but I think love is what promped you to respond to my post. So yes, love can touch you, affect you, move you. It may be that you don't "give" love as in loving again. It may be that love gives itself to you. All you need to do is receive. Love loves you.

Told you you would hate me for that crap. :)

Thanks again for caring enough to respond. I appreciate that and you.

[RandyGal]

I don't have any good words of advice for you, but want to offer you lots of *hugs* and a boatload of courage for ya.

Well wait, I do want to say something to you. The trying on of womens clothing could simply be telling you that you have the type of personality where textures and the phsycial sensation of touch means more to you than some.
I had a male friend who felt a bit of agony because he loved...I mean LOVED the sensation of womens pantyhose on his body. I believe he came to terms with it when he was told that he had a tactile nature about him......

does this make sense to you?

Would it be a "crisis" if you were gay?

To be honest, I find women/the female human body to be incredibly sexy and quite a turn on, but I don't feel gay about it at all. I feel very heterosexual and behave that way.
Is the feeling that you ARE gay something you fear, and if so, why?

Did I just overwhelm you with questions? LOL I surely hope not.

[fzzy]

I don't have any real experience in this area, I know that we have a couple of members who come to Pixies here and there who have started here in one "form" and then opened up to share more of themselves with us as time went by. I think whenever that happens it is a great compliment to all, that a person feels able to safely reveal more of themself - it's a great compliment to the person who reveals more of himself as well .... it's not an easy thing to do!!!

Now as to the question about if you are gay .... I'm sure you are the only one who can discover the answer to that, however, I've come to realize that there are more choices that people make that fall in between being strait or gay as well, as a sinewhat related i.e., "cross-dressing" there are those who live that choice full time, part time, occassionally and any of those could be strait, gay or bi-sexual. There are men who don't do cross-dressing full out, but like to wear women's underwear .. sometimes, just as Randygal says, it's a tactile/texture kind of thing and feels sexy to them.

No matter what answer you come to discover about yourself, your life to this point has not been wasted, life is a journey, a time of discovery and in my experience, we discover things about ourselves when it is the right time to do so and when we are able to deal with the issues that come with each new discovery.

The thing that I have come to believe is most important in this life is that we do what we can to help others and love them and ourself along the way .... everything I've learned about you is that you are a loving giving man, still working on the part about loving yourself, but you certainly do much in support of others. That is not wasted time or life! Sending hugs your way!!! :)

[imaginewithme]

I think they all have some good advice for you. I don't know what to tell you about this, maybe I shouldn't even be replying here anyway.

All I have to say is I want YOU to be YOU and do what YOUR heart feels is right.....IN EVERYTHING YOU DO IN LIFE!

I'll always be right here for ya!

Hugs are being sent your way!

[Sassy Rose]

Larry, everyone here has given you some wise words that I tend to agree with. I believe that all things happen for a reason whether we like it or not and in their own time. I just want to tell you that no matter what you might discover along your journey, you have friends who love you just the same and will always support you. *HUGS*

[Lilith]

Where in the hell is Tess when we need him/her???????? Larry look up Tess. Maybe she'll be able to tell you about her journey at much the same age you are.


Psychologically speaking, this is actually the age you are supposed to be re-evaluating everything (according to all my development classes), throwing out stuff that is cluttering up your life and wasting time. You are cleaning out your closets. You found a dress in there *shrugs* if it's pretty and it fits, wear it. Or maybe you better show it to me cause you need shoes to match;)

None of the things you fear you may be, make you a bad person. You are filled with love and compassion and show it. Is it that you fear being these things? OR is it that you fear having to tell the people in your life that you are????

Either way you have friends here who will do their best to offer you comfort and support.

[Steph]

Do you have a gay community nearby? It sounds like you're in a rural area but do you have a friend in a bigger city you can visit and visit some bathhouses & bars? Maybe try the "lifestyle" on for size?

Coming out at any age is difficult but when you add a wife into the equation, it's going to be tough. Then again, deep down, perhaps she senses something is wrong and won't be as surprised as you think?

No easy answers.

[scotzoidman]

Definitely not being a bore, Larry...
Liking women's clothes doesn't make you gay, many transvestites are completely hetro...witness a certain member here who has an open obsession with a certain form of women's undergarments, (ah-hem) which is just an expression of how much he loves women...
As for whether having enjoyed a BJ from other guys makes you gay, I can't say, except that you should remember the penis is a selfish little bastard who only cares about having his own fun, with no conscience about whether he's getting you into all kinds of trouble or not...
Finally, I'll echo the other sentiments expressed here to say that if you are gay, it doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't mean your whole life so far has been a mistake...just a part of this steep learning curve we call life...

[huntersgirl]

Life is full of changes. It is what makes it life. Imagine a life where everything stayed the same forever. Imagine how stagnant and boring that would be. I also think somethimes we need to shake things up a bit. Just to remember or find out who and what we are. It sounds to me like you are struggling right now and for that I am sorry and wish you strength and courage. But I also think that all these things happen for a reason, and we are never given more than we can handle. The discovery and questioning will lead you to a better understanding of yourself, whatever the outcome. I am also remined of the Chinese symbol for crisis, which is very similar to their symbol for opportunity! That has helped me enormously at times of turmoil in my life. It can feel overwhelming and difficult but what comes out the otherside almost always makes it all worth it! ((((hugs)))) :)

[GingerV]

Larry, Hon, how do you do it? How on earth do you fit so many big questions into so few words? I'll take my best shot, but I can't hope to cover a fraction of what seems to be spinning through your busy busy mind.

First things first....I don't think I'm speaking just for myself when I say "cease appologising." Two reasons....first, you're wrong. We share the good times here, but we also gear up for the bad ones. Your issues are in NO way inappropriate, what the hell use is an open and accepting site like this if it turns away folks who aren't 100% stable yet. Second reason....if you're anything like me, you're not appologising for what it sounds like you're appologising for. I appologise for bizarre and inappropriate things sometimes...had someone point out to me it was a remnant of a time in my life when I thought I had to appologise for taking up space on this earth at all. Learning what I am and am not responsible for has been a big thing for me, and part of it is learning when I should and shouldn't appologise. If that sounds at ALL familiar....use this as a opportunity to grow. You shouldn't appologise for being yourself, here or anywhere....stopping the behavior is a way to remind yourself to accept yourself.

OK, pop psych over and done with.

The main course of your crisis seems to be an issue with gender issues, if you follow my meaning. And I join Lil in hoping Tes gets his/her lovely ass to a keyboard soon. Till then, I can offer you what little experience I've got. When I first got to Pixies, someone asked me...purely out of curiosity I'm sure...if I was bi. I gave him the most honest and open answer I've got....I don't know, and I don't think it matters a lot if I am. I do so enjoy sex with women, and I fantasize about it one whole hell of a lot....more since I got all monogomous with my guy. But I don't tend to fall in love with women...looking back, as much fun as I've had, and as much as I've loved them...I've never been in love with them. So, in a very real way, I'm straight. And in another I'm happily bi. And in the most important way, I think all those titles miss the point. I'm just me...I like what I like, love whom I love, and I'm not the least bit concerned that no-body has a title for me. Well, hedonist comes close I guess ;).

I mean, really. Who the hell got up on a tall rock and announced that people had to fit a category? ANY category? Take a good long look at history, sexual categorizations are changing all the time. They're not absolute, not an objective truth, so in a way....they're not real. The way I see sexuality, it's more like a continuum. Girls on one end, boys on the other....and everyone's personal tastes fall somewhere in the middle. Some guys just don't get turned on by women. Some do. Some do both. Some are mostly turned on by women, but occasionally get an itch for a guy. Some of them may be straight as a rod...but one day trip over a picture that just confuses the hell out of them. Are they gay because one day they got a hardon looking at gay porn? I know no gay men who'd say so. They just got a hardon...and if they're lucky, they enjoyed the damned thing while it lasted.

Are you gay? I think you have to get more than a collection of blowjobs to qualify, by the standards of my gay friends. Hell, you'd have to do more than just have experimented in college to qualify. They don't think of gay the way we think of virginity. It's not the result of a single act, it's a standing preference. I don't know what goes on in your head...but you might ask yourself if you fantasize about men, if you ever want to give head as well as receive it, if you prefer it to "straight" sex. It may be that you just like blowjobs, and that the gay scene makes them much more accessable. I dunno. I think it's entirely possible that you fall into a much more complicated category...which is good and bad. It means you don't have to live up to anyone else's standards, but it also means no-one else has pioneered the answers for you.

As far as your life to this point being a waste because you're now questioning who you are and what you've done....Lil makes a great point. Go right now and reread it ;). I'll just add to it that it may be that you needed everything that's happened in those 53 years to get you ready to ask the questions you are now. Or, if you know that you asked them before....maybe you weren't ready to deal with the answers in your 20s. It's all too easy to throw the baby out with the bathwater when you're second guessing decisions made by a different person several decades ago. As hard as it is to let go of the worry that you've wasted time, I think the only potential waste of anyone's life is focusing so hard on the past that they fail to realize that they still have their future to come. If after much retrospection and possibly some experimentation you realize that you are...well...celebrate the fact that you got there in the end. Some people never ever get to a place where they can even ask the question.

And I've rattled on more than my 2cents worth, I know. Hope it made some kind of sense, and possibly helped at all. I'm around and about if you want any kind of clarification...or even just a virtual hug. It sounds like you're going through a rough time....hope you find peace soon.

G

[jennaflower]

LarryL.... You are who you are... we love and accept you here... hopefully you will reach the point where you do so as well... HUGS

[darogle]

LarryL, it's impossible for you to "choose" the wrong lifestyle. You are what you are. Gay, straight, bi....doesn't matter. Live your life without regrets. The years that are past are past, and you made the right decisions for yourself at the times that you made them. Now that you are discovering (or rather, accepting) this side of yourself now, you can continue to make the right decisions for yourself. Just be true to yourself when you do. It's not something to fear, just another facet of yourself that you haven't come to fully recognize yet. You're a great guy with a hell of a good head on his shoulders. I know you'll take the right steps to become the "you" that you need to be. :)

[imaginewithme]

Just in case you check in here....know that I am thinking of you and hoping you're doing well. CHIN UP DAMNIT

:D :D :D

[BigBear57]

Larry just try and relax man. At our age we tend to be in a position to see things with a more open mind. Pixie's presents several views of life from all angles and it's thought provoking as hell. Just chill and decide not what you might be or aren't but what new avenues you're thinking of exploring. The past is done... closed book. Oh and trash the labels too... you're sexual period. Let it be as simple as that.

[LarryL]

I was going to PM a thank-you note but I can never fit all I want to say into 1500 words.

First, GingerV, I love you now. I love you hard and completely. You leave me no choice. Only a dead person cannot help but love you. (Of course, they love you in spirit.) You don't know this but calling my "Hon" truns me on in all ways: emotionally, sexually, mentally, spiritually, absolutely. I just love to read it over and over: "Larry, Hon."

Yea, appologizing for being alone and inflicting my presense in you important life. You know me very well there. I may never get it, but I promise to keep trying.

Your words about labels and enjoying sex in all forms without loving the same-sex is about the best thing I have heard in forever. You make so much sense.

"[Being gay is] not the result of a single act, it's a standing preference." That sentence alone solves most of my problem. You just say it so elegantly, so simply.

Kisses, Hugs, and can I just rest my head on you bossom and sleep in peace for a while?
Larry

Larry, Hon, how do you do it? How on earth do you fit so many big questions into so few words? I'll take my best shot, but I can't hope to cover a fraction of what seems to be spinning through your busy busy mind.

First things first....I don't think I'm speaking just for myself when I say "cease appologising." Two reasons....first, you're wrong. We share the good times here, but we also gear up for the bad ones. Your issues are in NO way inappropriate, what the hell use is an open and accepting site like this if it turns away folks who aren't 100% stable yet. Second reason....if you're anything like me, you're not appologising for what it sounds like you're appologising for. I appologise for bizarre and inappropriate things sometimes...had someone point out to me it was a remnant of a time in my life when I thought I had to appologise for taking up space on this earth at all. Learning what I am and am not responsible for has been a big thing for me, and part of it is learning when I should and shouldn't appologise. If that sounds at ALL familiar....use this as a opportunity to grow. You shouldn't appologise for being yourself, here or anywhere....stopping the behavior is a way to remind yourself to accept yourself.

OK, pop psych over and done with.

The main course of your crisis seems to be an issue with gender issues, if you follow my meaning. And I join Lil in hoping Tes gets his/her lovely ass to a keyboard soon. Till then, I can offer you what little experience I've got. When I first got to Pixies, someone asked me...purely out of curiosity I'm sure...if I was bi. I gave him the most honest and open answer I've got....I don't know, and I don't think it matters a lot if I am. I do so enjoy sex with women, and I fantasize about it one whole hell of a lot....more since I got all monogomous with my guy. But I don't tend to fall in love with women...looking back, as much fun as I've had, and as much as I've loved them...I've never been in love with them. So, in a very real way, I'm straight. And in another I'm happily bi. And in the most important way, I think all those titles miss the point. I'm just me...I like what I like, love whom I love, and I'm not the least bit concerned that no-body has a title for me. Well, hedonist comes close I guess ;).

I mean, really. Who the hell got up on a tall rock and announced that people had to fit a category? ANY category? Take a good long look at history, sexual categorizations are changing all the time. They're not absolute, not an objective truth, so in a way....they're not real. The way I see sexuality, it's more like a continuum. Girls on one end, boys on the other....and everyone's personal tastes fall somewhere in the middle. Some guys just don't get turned on by women. Some do. Some do both. Some are mostly turned on by women, but occasionally get an itch for a guy. Some of them may be straight as a rod...but one day trip over a picture that just confuses the hell out of them. Are they gay because one day they got a hardon looking at gay porn? I know no gay men who'd say so. They just got a hardon...and if they're lucky, they enjoyed the damned thing while it lasted.

Are you gay? I think you have to get more than a collection of blowjobs to qualify, by the standards of my gay friends. Hell, you'd have to do more than just have experimented in college to qualify. They don't think of gay the way we think of virginity. It's not the result of a single act, it's a standing preference. I don't know what goes on in your head...but you might ask yourself if you fantasize about men, if you ever want to give head as well as receive it, if you prefer it to "straight" sex. It may be that you just like blowjobs, and that the gay scene makes them much more accessable. I dunno. I think it's entirely possible that you fall into a much more complicated category...which is good and bad. It means you don't have to live up to anyone else's standards, but it also means no-one else has pioneered the answers for you.

As far as your life to this point being a waste because you're now questioning who you are and what you've done....Lil makes a great point. Go right now and reread it ;). I'll just add to it that it may be that you needed everything that's happened in those 53 years to get you ready to ask the questions you are now. Or, if you know that you asked them before....maybe you weren't ready to deal with the answers in your 20s. It's all too easy to throw the baby out with the bathwater when you're second guessing decisions made by a different person several decades ago. As hard as it is to let go of the worry that you've wasted time, I think the only potential waste of anyone's life is focusing so hard on the past that they fail to realize that they still have their future to come. If after much retrospection and possibly some experimentation you realize that you are...well...celebrate the fact that you got there in the end. Some people never ever get to a place where they can even ask the question.

And I've rattled on more than my 2cents worth, I know. Hope it made some kind of sense, and possibly helped at all. I'm around and about if you want any kind of clarification...or even just a virtual hug. It sounds like you're going through a rough time....hope you find peace soon.

G

[GingerV]

Nope....the little cursor keeps on flashing at me and I have no idea what to say....there's a first.

Larry, Hon (and if you think I'm going to stop chaining those two words together any day soon you're very much mistaken ;) )....I'm just glad if anything I said struck the chord you needed. And you're hereby welcome to rest your head on any piece of my anatomy you see fit.

G