I need your help, folks, re: a stalker

[Lilith_82]

Okay, here's the whole story.

There's this guy. Let's call him.. George. George and I have known each other for 10 years, since the 8th grade. In high school, we were very close, we were like brother and sister. We used to hang out, despite the fact that we were in completely different cliques, and he used to stand up for me against the stupid people who decided to call me fat, a brainyac, etc. George was a sweetheart in high school. He was stupid, took drugs, and drank, but he was sweet. When I had a stalker at the age of 15, George protected me. He even took a few beatings for protecting me, but he did it.

Right after we graduated (should mention, we went to Catholic school), George told me that he'd been fantasizing about me sexually since the 10th grade. I was like "why?". He told me it was because he figured that under that Catholic exterior, I was a tiger just waiting to pounce. As I started to be sexually active with other people, George got more insistent that he wanted a piece. He never wanted a RELATIONSHIP, just a fuck. I always said no, because it was GEORGE.. like, it would have felt like incest, we were just so close in high school.

Anyway, 6-8 months ago, we talked for the last time. He asked again, and I said no. I'm in a happy relationship, and I wasn't going to fuck it up for just a lay. He then asked me to keep things to myself, because he didn't want his friends (from high school) to find out. I asked why, and he said "well, you're the fat, dorky chick from high school that nobody wanted... and I have a reputatioin to protect". I told him to fuck off, and then put him on ignore, and blocked as much of his emails, pms, etc, as I could.

Fast-forward to two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, I get a PM on another site that I post at. I hadn't told him that I belonged to that site, and here, he'd found me. His PM asked if I was mad at him, and why I hadn't contacted him. (He never was that smart). I cold-listed him and ignored the PM, and then in the next couple days, he formed 4 or 5 new identities to PM me with. Each of those, I blocked, as well. Today, I logged into ANOTHER site that I use, which he knew I posted at, but had never known my name there.. and found a PM in my box from him.

He's getting creepy. Because we were friends, he knows my phone number, he knows where I live, and he knows a great amount of the details of my life. None of his emails have been threatening, just irritating... what the fuck should I do?

[imaginewithme]

You're doing the right thing! Just keep cool and keep it up.

What a jerk...oh yeah, talk down to me, that'll get me to fuck you anytime!

GEEZ PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID

[Lilith_82]

You're doing the right thing! Just keep cool and keep it up.

What a jerk...oh yeah, talk down to me, that'll get me to fuck you anytime!

GEEZ PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID


I KNOW! I was like.. uh.. I'm the fat, dorky chick that no one wanted... yup, that'll get you in my pants. Mmmhmm. Yup.

Fuck, he's stupid. But he's getting really intrusive.

*sigh*

[sweetlady]

Honey. Right NOW, you go find one of those PMs, and you DOCUMENT it, and you reply with this statement:

The next time that you contact me, I will contact the police. I do not wish any futher contact from you, of any kind. I consider your behavior to be harassment. I do nto want to speak further with you, I do not want to explain, I do not want to be friends. I wish for you to NEVER contact me again. If you do, I will consider it a threat and contact the police.

This is nothing to fool with, and nothing but a direct, blunt, ABSOLUTELY DEFINITE AND FINISHING STATEMENT is good enough. I mean it, rapes are done by people that the woman knows. Put a stop to it now, I cannot stress that enough. TELL YOUR PARTNER. Be sure your partner knows this guy is out there and stalking you. Be sure he knows that a stalker will do or say anything to destroy your life.

And I cannot say it with enough conviction, or with enough force, or enough emphasis. WARN HIM to back off, TELL THE POLICE, and if he contacts you again, GET A RESTRAINING ORDER. Accept that he has crossed the line, the friendship is gone, and he is now like any other criminal. Take that into your mind, and embrace it. HE dropped the ball here. You are worth taking good care of, so go take care of yourself. This is serious stuff, ex friend or total stranger, creepiness is creepiness.

If you feel alarmed now, good. If you don't, you should. Take this serious, it is.

[dicksbro]

Well put, Sweetlady, and I think very good advice.

[Lilith_82]

Sweetlady, both of my rapes were by people I knew.

I've sent him the message you suggested. I know that this is going to explode into something really disgusting. He's got a lot of my pictures that I've posted online saved, and I just know it's going to get ugly.

*sigh*

[Lilith_82]

Sweetlady, both of my rapes were by people I knew.

I've sent him the message you suggested. I know that this is going to explode into something really disgusting. He's got a lot of my pictures that I've posted online saved, and I just know it's going to get ugly.

*sigh*


ANd now I'm fucking terrified. God, I hope this doesn't get worse.

Oh, and to clarify, my S/O knows who this guy is. He knows what has passed between us, he knows everything. And when he gets home today, I have to warn him about what could turn out to be very ugly.

[sweetlady]

Go to the police now, then. It's that simple. Ugly, or dead?

If you have told him you will get a restraining order, and you feel threatened by his behavior already, and he still persists, you go to the police, and you tell them, "I want you to be aware. I know you can't do anything, but I need you to know about it." and be honest with them and up-front. Tell them you're worried about pictures you have posted that are a bit revealing (they don't need to know more than that). Tell them you are scared of the harassment. Tell them you think he is tracking your IP address. Then, tell your IP provider that you need a new IP address IMMEDIATELY because you are being harassed, see what they can do for you.

If nothing else, if he does contact you further, you should begin to save the PMs and emails.

Your life, or a potential mess? We care which choice you make. We are here for you in the ways we can be, we support you as much as we have ability to.

[gekkogecko]

What SL said. Really can't be emphasized enough. Especially the part about documentation.

[Belial]

Also, check or have your computer checked for spyware, and be *thorough*. You may wish to tell your ISP that you believe someone is stalking you online as they may be able to notice anomalous traffic to your machine (such as spyware, intrusion attempts, etc) and it may also motivate them to keep relevant logs longer for a possible future investigation.

[scotzoidman]

An excellent suggestiom, Belial...in fact, everybody should check for spyware regularly...I recommend Spybot, it's a free download, & they don't junk up your machine with their own advertising, like some others I could name...

And I'm glad lil82 is taking this stalker seriously...

[Lilith_82]

I have ad-aware on my computer, which does a good job of keeping me spyware-free... I'm meticulous about cleaning my computer thorougly once or twice a week.

I haven't heard from him since I sent that message to him, and have had all my pictures removed from the internet, changed names everywhere (except here, cus I'm pretty sure he doesn't know I'm here)... *sigh*

[Hocque]

I would also get a firewall. You can do this with software or hardware. I would use black ice (http://www.digitalriver.com/dr/v2/ec_MAIN.Entry17c?SP=10007&PN=5&CID=63268&SID=773&PID=259499&DSP=&CUR=840&PGRP=0&CACHE_ID=63268) or Zone alarm (http://www.zonelabs.com).

I would start to document and save everything that is being sent to you. I am sorry to hear of your problem. Just be safe!!!

Hocque

[dreamgurl]

Recently i've had a simmilar problem. I would check first with your local police to see what exactly has to be done to obtain a restraining order. In my state you must press criminal charges in order to reciece one but you must fill out a complaint when you ask at the station. that is then kept on file incase something does happen. If it's just on the computer i reccomend you change your screene names and e-mail addresses, if he is saying threating things to you. SAVE THOSE and print them if you do press charges. this way you will have proof. I hope things get better for you and if you ever need to talk, just PM me i'm here several times a day. *huggles*

[Grumble]

((((((((Lilith_82)))))))))

I fully endorse what SL and Belial have said.

You are being brave and practical, the only way to rid yourself of this interference in your life. This is abnormal probably obsessive behaviour and must be stopped.

It must be frightening and I am sending warm hugs your way.

[Concubine]

WEll I'm going to play devils advocate here and be the troubled roll,

now first off I understand everything you did and you have every right to be pissed at this guy, but I would also like to make a few points in his defence, since this really seems to be unpopular to side with this guy

first of all, your relationship with him spans 10 YEARS , this is not a minor friendship he has obviously been a big part of your life, and yes he cares about you and fantasized about you, friends often have that happen when your so close to each other, but personally if I had to take a guess I'd have to say he had his ego bruised with your repeated rejections (not saying it was bad to reject him) that he defended himself by attacking you personally, again not the right thing but not everyone responds in the most logical manor when hurt.

Second of all, I must say that although that single insult may have hurt it seems a little extream to throw away a 10 year friendship over it, I personally, and I know this is gonna be a really unpopular opinion think it was rather cruel of you to cut him outta your life over it without a word to him, you never discussed how hurt you were, you simply banned him from your life... a ten year friend who stuck up for you and took beatings for you and with one single misspoken line outta anger you cut him outta your life without so much as a word to him,

I don't find it strange at all that he is attempting to gain some form of closure , desperatly trying to get you to talk to him, I mean you never even gave him so much as a chance to appologize, I'm sure sometime in your life you have done something you regretted in the heat of the moment.

so while I agree with everyone that what happened was certainly in bad taste, I also agree that you yourself have handled it badly, I mean a ten year relationship shut down over a single line without so much a goodbye or giving him a chance to redeem himself, I mean hasn't 10 years earned the guy a second chance??

I'm sorry if I'm the only one who sees the need to point out that things could have been handled better instead of offering pure support, but I don't think problems are always solved by being a Yes Man.

[scotzoidman]

Well, I'm all for playing the Devil's advocate when it's called for, but I think this bozo blew all his future chances when he called her fat & dorky cuz she wouldn't let him tear off a piece...I don't take rejection well, either, but geez loueez...

[Concubine]

well yes I'll give you that I certainly agree that it was uncalled for, but it seems like such a small thing in the grand scheme of things to blow 10 years off, is friendship really so easily shattered nowadays? I don't know maybe I just have higher expectations in true friends ability to have friendship survive a few fights involving crossed words, let alone just a single incident.

While I would say that certainly his words hurt and hit below the belt, and the fact that he was so close to you I"m sure made it hurt just that much more, but if thats the case, I find it more bizzare that it sets down the ideal that as you get closer to someone they have to be more and more careful lest they act out of anger, and the closer they are to you the higher the chance of a bad decision shattering the relationship, I've always been under the impression that as a friendship grows it should become stronger, not more fragile

EDIT: I find it important that I point out the error I made, after rereading the previous post, I reaized I had originally overlooked the fact taht you eventually DID send him a message, which I suppose gives at least an alotment of closure, although the way you went about it I still find questionable.

[scotzoidman]

Ok, go easy on him ladies...I don't think he knows what he's doing...



[ducking outa this thread before the slamfest begins....]

[Concubine]

it's ok lol I expected to get the pants flamed offa me for having an opposing opinion, but I still believe that had someone come here looking for how to get over feelings for a girl he cared about that alot of people would suggest trying to get closure for the whole event, something that was denied to this guy.

[Lilith_82]

No, it is NOT just one comment that made me cut him from my life. It was that comment that was the last straw, but he'd known that he was on thin ice from the get-go when he started suggesting sleeping with me. I have been in a very committed relationship for the last three years, and was in a monogamous relationship before that, as well, and this particular person refused to respect those relationships. He would phone me at my home and my boyfriends homes (whose numbers he got from other 'high school friends' of mine), and he would attempt to engage in phone sex, sending me dirty emails, etc.

Now, I admit, when he first told me, I was flattered, but I told him RIGHT THEN AND THERE that it would never happen, because I felt close to him as a friend, and because I loved someone else, etc. And then he continued to pursue the issue for FOUR YEARS. So yes, I've KNOWN him for 10 years, but the last 4 have not so much been a friendship, but me saying no to his disrespectful desires. He often stated that he didn't even want a relationship, just a fuck, and then reiterated how he needed to keep it quiet. And that comment about me being the smart fat girl that no one wanted was just IT.

He did email me a few times after that, and I did respond, but his emails were getting worse and worse as he tried to explain himself, and merely dug himself into a deeper hole. I told him then, I would have nothing more to do with him, as it was now more obvious than ever what his level of respect was. That was like, 6 or 8 months ago.

Now, out of the blue, he has been resurfacing. The first few messages were innocent enough, "are u mad at me", but it's that he found me on websites that I never told him I was on that is disturbing to me. It's made me take down all of my pictures everywhere, because I don't even want to encourage either a fantasy, or saving them for retributional uses.

Believe me, I don't give the silent treatment without explaining WHY. I told him that I was in a relationship with the man I plan to marry (And we still do plan to marry), and he couldn't just say "okay, I respect that.. " but no. He spent 4 years asking, begging for sex, for me to ruin my relationships for JUST sex, while at the same time, hiding this from his girlfriends, etc.

Like I said, the last 4 years haven't been much of a friendship. If he could have ACCEPTED my rejection and my relationship, and just left me the fuck alone in that regard, sure, we could have been friends. But he didn't.

So, Devil's Advocate, did this explain things a little more?

I generally try to not post EVERYTHING, and get helpful answers on that before I go and post every detail, when it seems needed. I don't LIKE posting every single detail of this story, it makes me feel upset and makes me think worse on the guy.

[Concubine]

Actually yes it answered and clarified quite a bit, I'm not sure if you were being sarcastic or not in tone with that statement but with that information things do make alot more sense now, I can understand your wanting to hold back on all the details like you said but it's obviously hard for others to give clear advice while knowing only the details you put forth

Anyway, Cheerio