yet another anal sex question

[cyberkitten]

ok, so my s/o is innocent in many ways about sex (or was, until i got ahold of him :hot: ) and i really enjoy corrupting him and getting to do things with him that are new to him. he's a couple years younger than i am and i guess the vast majority of his exes were pretty much into missionary sex or girl riding the boy sex and that was about it. some fingering and oral occasionally, but not alot of new things or a wide variety of positions (i've gotten to introduce him to showering together, sex in the shower, doggy style sex, mutual masturbation...fun fun!). so here's the problem... none of his exes were willing to try anal sex, and he's very curious about it. i, on the other hand, have experienced it more times than i care to and the experiences have not been good. after drinking quite a bit one night, we played around a little and there was anal penetration, but it didn't last very long, not because it was bad, but because it brought up some old feelings/associations that were starting to make me nervous and he was very understanding and gentle and reassuring that we should stop until i was comfortable with it, and that it was no big deal that it didn't last long and that he didn't cum. it wasn't as bad as i was afraid it was going to be, and was actually quite different than with former partners. i'd really like to do it again with him, to give him the full experience, and for myself, i'd like to 1. not be terrified it's going to hurt and turn into a display of how much power he has over me and what he can do to me to show that he's strong and i'm weak (i can't imagine him ever actually being like that with me, but like i said...i've had some BAD experiences with exes where it turned extremely violent and painful and into a "look what i can do to you and you can't do anything about it" sorta thing) and 2. have it feel good (cuz i know a lot of people, male and female, actually find it to be an enjoyable experience they WANT to have as part of their sex life).

i feel like i'm missing something for myself that can be fun, and i want to share that with him as a good thing for both of us. if it turns out that it's not his thing or not my thing...fine. but i want to give it a fair shot and find out what i'm missing out on since i've come to associate the act with pain/violence/etc with past partners.

we've broken through a LOT of my mental blocks and fears (hell, i could admit to him that i was afraid of some things...that was a HUGE deal) together sexually (i'm starting to relax and enjoy oral sex, i looooove when he fingers me and i used to tense up and freak out when i was touched or licked) and emotionally (i love snuggling and close physical contact with him like kissing, holding hands, sitting together on the couch to watch a movie, giving massages, sleeping in the same bed...up until very recently, it scared me and i didn't like to be touched at all by anyone) and this is like...the last big thing. the psychological issues are being addressed in therapy and one on one with him...i know i'm not the only person to have ever been in one or more abusive relationships and i know that professional help can often help ALOT. but on the physical side...i'd like to know more about anal sex and how to do it properly so that it's a good experience for both partners. i know he won't pressure me physically or emotionally and he's repeatedly made it clear that he loves me and that we can stop anytime i want for any reason and that he won't force me or be angry with me and that it's not a big deal if we don't "go all the way" with it. mostly now what i'm worried about is the mechanics of it. i know..use lots of lube and go slowly. start with fingers...teasing...slow penetration with a single finger and then more as your body adjusts to the new sensations. i've found when masturbating that toys aren't painful....particularly vibrators. sometimes i'm suprised when i realize they're inside me...i guess the buzzing sensation helps me relax and there's been no pain at penetration. so i know it's possible...i'd just like to know if anybody has any other advice or techniques or specific things they find enjoyable so you guys could sorta help me along with this one.

hope i didn't ramble too much, and thanks for listening. mad kitty lub to all of my new pixies friends :)

[jentheredhead]

you're not ready for anal and putting too much emphasis on fulfilling a fantasy. reality is you have a wonderful man there and you have a lot of sexual growth with him yet to come. stick to the love making you BOTH find rewarding and the comfort will come for the other stuff later.

don't ruin what you have for ass banging - no matter what you hear about anal orgasms they are not going to help you after you lose the vaginal ones you loved so much if the relationship goes bust because of a hang up.

if and when you are both ready

get yourself a small sized butplug and stimulate your own anus in the shower, baby oil gel is a great thing to use. this will help you teach your mind how to relax your sphincter muscle. imagine it is he inside you slowly spreading you. go extremely slow. also as you feel him or the toy push in you have to actually push to open the muscle to allow him in. make a tight fist, see the closed fingers forming a tight hole. try shoving your finger in there. ouch, no go but as you thrust your finger inward try relaxing your grip for a second then let it tighten around the tip of the finger. now do it again and as you loosen penetrate your fist deeper. again grip it tight quickly. this is the action your ass takes as he is trying to get in. anal is NEVER something that should be taken too quickly in the begining, hell i HAVE to prepare before i do it and i HAVE to be more mentally ready than physically for it to happen. the stretching burn is what scares me. i have to really want it and i have to think and tell myself to allow him in there, i have to bare down and open my ass for him.

if he is willing to take the time here have him insert a finger while he eats you out. after a few times with one finger he could try two VERY well lubed fingers. let him play in there, lick you from crack to crack...... again after time he could try three fingers or just his index finger from both hands. he can use them to spread you. you're ready when you can let him fuck you slowly with four fingers (both index and middle fingers) spreading as they slide in and out of you. again i cannot express how important lube is. my god when we were getting started we went through bottles lmao.

man i am horny now.......damn


oh well i hope something here helped.

[jentheredhead]

i'm still horny

[skipthisone]

Yep, I read it and it had the same effect on me.

[imaginewithme]

Gulp........someone fan me a bit.


Anal is only good for me when I want it...simple as that. Maybe selfish..but I LOVE IT...when I am up for it. I am the one that says "stick it in me" or pushs it there most of the time because he knows I have to want it there. It's all up to you, every single thing you do is up to you.

Don't pressure yourself hon!

[Coaster]

Ok Jentheredhead.............. I just can't read that again cause if i do I'll need a cigarette.......... and I don't smoke!

We've tried it too cyberkitten.... butt it doesn't work if she just isn't into it. Good advice from those above.

[cyberkitten]

thanks grrls and guys, i'm feeling a lot better about it now. sometimes i really really want it and sometimes i'd rather be stapled to a tree, and i was thinkin there was something wrong with me for feeling that way. and the more technical side of it helps alot too jen.. thank you *so* much for explaining things in detail. good to see others enjoyed the description too :D

[katekate42]

I've been there. I dated a guy for a while who happened to be my first anal experience and it did turn into a huge control issue. So much so that when I first tried it with my guy, I freaked out for about a month and lost all interest in sex. Take it slow, girl. He's willing to wait and that's great. When you do decide to go for it (because it sounds like you are pretty interested in trying again) wait for a time when he's done something really sweet for you- it'll help prove to yourself that he's nothing like the bad guys in the past. Best of luck :)

[sweetlady]

As someone who was also abused in past relationships, this is my suggestion for you. Please understand, this is coming from someone who now LOVES anal.

The most important thing for you is that you are in control of the initial penetration. After that, well, it's more of a equality, but during the first penetration, it's all about you, and he needs to know that 100%. You impale yourself onto him, he does NOTHING you don't tell him to.

Now, if anyone else tells you anything besides what I am about to say, you tell them sweetlady says they're a fucking bullshit liar.... you need to use lube. Astroglide, hon, astroglide is the greatest gift of the gods to anal sex. Lube. Lots. more than lots. Tons. SPIT IS NOT ENOUGH. PUSSY LUBE IS NOT ENOUGH. EVER. Lube. Slippery, sleek, sexy, yummy, feels soooo good LUBE. When he thinks there's too much, he is just getting started!

Now, to start, you want him to just run it up and down your asscrack. Gently, lovingly. Like he's worshipping it. Reverently, tenderly. With a great deal of sensitivity and kindness. Then, he can begin to put a litle pressure on you... then slip it up and down along your crack again. Stimulate you, relax you, it's safe, it's sweet, it's loving. It's his gift to you, not yours to him. He is paying homage to you, lovingly. Keep this in your mind. You need this thought in your mind, for your sake. It's not an act of sex, it's not for him, it's for YOU. It's an act of him giving you pleasure. Believe me, dear, if you control it, if you keep the pain away, it will become a great pleasure for you.

Now, when he presses his dick against your opening, press against him, and he has lost all control, it's all yours now. That's your dick, you are going to use it for your pleasure. Let yourself press against it, thinking about using it for pleasure, let your ass start to part, then push out against him (yes, like you're trying to poop, but only with the opening, not from the inside, you'll know what I mean). As you push against him, that will actually allow his head to ease in further, when you feel the ridge inside (or if you feel a bit of pain), stop. Just stop and let your ass get used to the feeling... then slowly work it in and out, not so much that it pulls the lip out. Just a tiny motion. It will begin to feel erotic to you.

Ask for more lube, ask him to rub it around the tip of his dick that's inside you, then ease yourself back a bit futher. Now it's time to reach down between your legs, and rub your clit. Start feeling the excitement of both areas being stimulated. Move slowly, and each time you get a bit more of him in you, ease it in and out a tiny bit in a short, sweet rocking motion. HE MUST BE STILL, you are in control.

As you work him slowly into you, ask for more lube if you want it. When he gets buried into you, you will start to feel even greater pleasure. You will know when the time is right, when you start to move fast against him, you can release him from his being still, and let him have some control back.

If you're anything like me, at that point, you are going to want him to go hard and fast. And instead of fear, you'll be thinking how good he's loving you, how sweetly he's worshipping your ass, and how FUCKING GOOD! it feels...

;)

(the penetration should be done on your sides. Once that's done, however, my favorite is for him to roll me over on top of him, and flick my clit quickly with his other hand [NOT the one that lubed your ass] and if you have one, a vibrator or dildo in your pussy at the same time will drive you absolutely wild. Try that sometime, and you may never go back :D )

[WildIrish]

*faints*

[Lilith]

While I agree with some of your post sweetlady, there are no absolutes, that is simply your style... I prefer intial penetration from behind. Preferably him standing on the floor, me kneeling on the bed. I can still be in control of how much and how fast.

While I agree lube can be the key to an initially enjoyable experience, I have had wonderful needy, urgent anal with spit and cunny juice as the lube. Usually when he has licked me to a frenzy and I'm just wanting it in and wanting it NOW!!!!

The key, for me, is to be relaxed and to have clit stimulation throughout.

[Aqua]

Originally posted by sweetlady

The most important thing for you is that you are in control of the initial penetration. After that, well, it's more of a equality, but during the first penetration, it's all about you, and he needs to know that 100%. You impale yourself onto him, he does NOTHING you don't tell him to.
I agree with this 100%. As a guy, the most important thing about anal to me is making it enjoyable for my partner. I know I'm gonna love how it feels, but that won't matter if she's in pain. It has to be all about how YOU feel, Cyberkitten.

Now, if anyone else tells you anything besides what I am about to say, you tell them sweetlady says they're a fucking bullshit liar.... you need to use lube. Astroglide, hon, astroglide is the greatest gift of the gods to anal sex. Lube. Lots. more than lots. Tons. SPIT IS NOT ENOUGH. PUSSY LUBE IS NOT ENOUGH. EVER. Lube. Slippery, sleek, sexy, yummy, feels soooo good LUBE. When he thinks there's too much, he is just getting started!

Ok, I don't appreciate being called a 'fucking bullshit liar'. I know you weren't addressing me personally with that statement but it applies to me nonetheless. My wife and I love anal and use what comes from my mouth and her pussy ONLY and it works great for us.
Having said that... I will agree that astroglide is a great idea and I fully and completely recommend it, especially for someone new to anal.
Good luck Cyberkitten!

[sweetlady]

You guys have to remember. She's been abused. Anal without lube for someone who has had it used against them, and being in a vulnerable position (him towering over her from behind) will not promote the sense of safety that she needs.

Lube for someone who has experienced things forced painfully into their ass is the ONLY way to ensure that she feels pleasure from it. Without lube, there are times where there is a bit of pain. Now, a bit of pain can be pleasurable, UNLESS it dredges of flashbacks of horrifying memories.

For someone in this situation, I repeat. LUBE IS A MUST!! The incidents of possible pain will be reduced dramatically. It is absolutely important that it have as little pain (even pleasant pain) as possible associated with it.

And having a man towering behind her is the same way. If he is on his side, and she is, it's less intimidating.

What I am trying to do here is to offer her ways to remove the negatives, which are psychological.

You guys (and me now) have built up a psychological "cache" of positives with anal. She has a huge bank of psychological negatives. It is those that I am addressing.

also, with lube, it can be distracting. Which is also important. Plus, she will come to associate that feeling with a positive, it makes it different from the other experiences. Being DIFFERENT is of utmost importance.

[Lilith]

Frankly...whether it be anal or any other sexual contact if there is fear or a lack of trust, especially with someone who has been abused, the experience may be difficult and less pleasurable. No amount of lube or any position can exhaust those demons.

These are two very different things, one involves physiology and the other emotional security. And there is no one-size-fits-all answer for either.

[sweetlady]

Actually, there are some standard ways of dealing with these fears. Making it less intimidating, making it different, and practicing to desensitize youself are among those things that are standard psychological tools. Understanding where the difference is between not trusting your partner and a general distrust of the act itself will help her heal. The basics of overcoming these sorts of fears is that she must be in control. This is nothing to do with her current partner, and everything to do with her need to be safe. While each person is an individual, somethings do not vary.

Men who use sex to abuse do so to humiliate and control. No matter that he is a unique individual, the factors of his dysfunction are the same.

Each woman who is abused has been humiliated and controlled. The woman is unique, the factors involved in abuse NEVER CHANGES.

In time, she will definitely find a position more suited to her pleasure. You have found one suited to the pleasure, because you didn't have psychological factors involved. The things I have said are based upon basic principles of how abusive relationships operate. I can almost guarantee that the men who abused her using anal did NOT use lube. It would be considerate of her, it would allow her to think her pleasure (or lack of) mattered. Which, according to the principles of abuse, no abuser would tolerate.

I'm not being argumentative, and there are wonderful wonderful other ways to do anal! I am simply explaining why I gave the specific advice I did. :)

[Sassy Rose]

cyberkitten, the comments above are all good, you must do what YOU are comfortable with. The only other comment that I have is a suggestion for another very good lube that I found to be helpful to me...as I too have had serious pain involved in anal. The lube is called Anal Ese and it is sold at good sex stores. It has an ingrediant that is slightly numbing. No you will not lose all sensation but it is numbing enough to help you relax, for me it helped me to realize that pain does not have to be involved and the pleasure is wonderful. Just remember, take your time and don't forget to talk to your partner, but it doesn't sound like that is a problem for you :) Good luck sweetie!

[Jude30]

http://www.sexuality.org/l/incoming/aanal.html

That site is very informative.

But to tell the truth the thing that helped my wife really enjoy anal sex was the book "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women", by Tristan Taurmino. That book will help eliviate any fears or concerns you might have about anal sex, I would highly reccomend getting it and reading it WITH your partner. It's important that he know what to do.

The biggest mistake I can see you made was being drunk, while playing around. Anal sex requires more trust and tenderness than vaginal sex. If you're drunk it dulls your senses and it's harder for you to tell if he's hurting you, which can lead to some severe problems later. Plus if he's drunk he is more likely not to stop if you tell him to.

[jentheredhead]

Originally posted by Jude30
http://www.sexuality.org/l/incoming/aanal.html

That site is very informative.

But to tell the truth the thing that helped my wife really enjoy anal sex was the book "The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women", by Tristan Taurmino. That book will help eliviate any fears or concerns you might have about anal sex, I would highly reccomend getting it and reading it WITH your partner. It's important that he know what to do.

The biggest mistake I can see you made was being drunk, while playing around. Anal sex requires more trust and tenderness than vaginal sex. If you're drunk it dulls your senses and it's harder for you to tell if he's hurting you, which can lead to some severe problems later. Plus if he's drunk he is more likely not to stop if you tell him to.

this man taught me EVERYTHING i know about anal pleasure!

i am not kidding. i love this guy, i'd so fuck him. and GIRLS OH MY GOD he has a nice cock!

[Jude30]

:D you're too kind to me Jen.

[Casperr]

Originally posted by Jude30
:D you're too kind to me Jen.


LOL!!! Good call :)

CasperTG