He Doesn't Orgasm!

[kitkate]

Hi! Its been quite some time since I posted but I need some help :(

My boyfriend and I have an AMAZING sex life...we're as compatible as can be and its great. I love him and I have no doubt he loves me. BUT....he can't reach orgasm with me. He has no trouble doing it alone, but during sex, fellatio, handjobs, or even if he masturbates in front of me, it just doesn't work. He gets EXTREMEMLY close...but never orgasms. He is 23 and has yet to even orgasm with another person (I was his first girlfriend...he had a one night stand once that is the EXTENT of his sexual experience.)

He says he's fine with this-that pleasing me makes him happy and that he likes the way it feels and orgasm isn't necessary. And I try and think that "Its ok...as long as I'm pleasing him its fine" but it really does hurt me that I can't make it happen OR that he has some sort of mental issue scaring him. Anyone have this problem or any suggestions, mostly just to keep my hope up? :(

[CunningLinguist]

Sadly, your boyfirend sounds exactly like me. I mean that in a good way because I found it very hard to cum with another person until I was 22 and that was with the first time I was ever in a relationship with a girl where I could ahve sex on a regular basis.

Your boyfriend may be feeling uncomfortable about his body and that can hamper sexual performance. He could be nervous about cumming to quickly or he may even feel some guilt about the act of coitus.

My advice is to let him know what a sexy little cuddle bear he is. It may also help to find out what turns him on. What used to help me was when my girlfriend would keep the lights on so I could watch her facial expressions and ummm getting quite vulgar.

[Aqua]

I would suggest looking for help in the form of therapy. If he can do it alone, then their is not a physical problem so this may be a form of performance anxiety or it could stem from some sort of trauma from when he was a child. A therapist may be able to help in finding out what is causing the issue and provide a solution.
Good luck Kitkate... :)

ps, It's good to see you posting again...

[FussyPucker]

It does sound like performance anxiety as Mr A suggests. An other thing that could be a cause is medication. I'm currently on a certain type of medication that can delay or totaly prevent orgasm. Don't worry though I'm sure he'll become more comfortable and be able to reach orgasm.

[kitkate]

Cunning: sounds just about right...I've got a bit of experience, but honestly I've never dated anyone who I've got to have sex with this much.... And he hasn't either. and I remeber that it took me a LONG time to be able to cum infront of someone, Its getting better...and at least now I know that its not just him. And yes...the more expression, the better he does :) we always have some light. :)

Aqua: I agree too! I am pretty sure its perf. anxiety. If it continues much longer (its only been about 6 weeks since we started having sex) I might suggest it. I don't know how he'd react to therapy :S We're going to try a change of scenery this weekend- which seems to help...maybe I can just "suprise" it out of him.

fussy: gotta rule out meds...that was my first thought knows that some SSRs (depression) cause major delay. But he's med free.

And its great to be back. I feel better already! :)

[imaginewithme]

I do know that while we're having sex if I start to tell my hubby to imagine someone else or to pretend I am someone else (ah hell, just for the hell of it), it throws him all off and there have been times he can't finish. So, I don't do that anymore. I should take that as a good thing but hate that I messed up his time too. What all I am saying is that you both will learn what the other likes and dislikes. Good luck & have fun trying! man...to be in my 20's again......

[denny]

IWM, you have a very naughty mind. I like that in a female.

[kitkate]

IWM: yeah, I was just talking to him about something like that. He thinks maybe its like too much to handle....I mean "If I cum, she won't keep doing these things that feel REALLY good!" I think it might be more of a buffet type thing: on a buffet there might be many things you like and they all taste good, but after awhile when you get USED to it, the buffet starts being comfortable and you find the combo you like. Overwhelming might be a bit of our problem.

But while its happeneing, I'm still lucking out! Three AMAZING orgasms in one session is enough to put me out for the night. I guess I shouldn't be complaining if this is our only problem, huh?

Thanks again for all of your advice, Pixie-ites! :)

[imaginewithme]

Things will be fine for you guys. Lots of people would like for him to take longer so they could enjoy more orgasms. I say enjoy it!

AND DENNY: Yes I have a naughty mind.....keeps things interesting.

[asp]

Are ya sure he's not gay?

[kitkate]

Well, most of my male friends that are gay don't usually want to make out with chicks or get erections from that act. And among several other glaring clues, I'm assuming, due to my experiences, that my boyfriend isn't gay. But thanks for the suggestions...I think. :confused:

[Rick Forbes]

I'm a big fan of therapy. A guide on the path of introspection while trying to overcome an inner obstacle has often been very helpful for me and my partner. Not only can it possibly help him understand himself and why is responding the way he is, but perhaps it can guide you into a helpful role in a way that you might not think of on your own.

Love, peace, and blessings to you both.

[Vigil]

I think we all have issues when developing our sexual character - its not easy and I am impressed with your sensitivity in dealing with it.

Pixies is a pretty good place to come for advice. My thought, as a guy, is that the root may be in associations. In that I associate such and such with one thing and such and such else with something else.

Your guy, may associate ejaculation only with his previous masturbation practises. Is there a bridge or common ground that you can find? For example if he masturbates whilst watching porno - could you watch it together? We guys really do need to get our rocks off - so if we're in the situation that we use to get our rocks off - it would be pretty difficult not to.

Best of luck.

[Cookie]

hey!
even though it could be a serious problem that needs to be treated my a psycologist or any kind of doctor, yo might also consider the fact that comunication is not everything all the time, try relaxing and letting him enjoy the moment by not focusing just in him, if he cant get an orgasm it could also be the fact he knows you are really expecting that to happen. Let him relax, if he werent enjoying he just would have sex with you, let him stop thinking about it and next time you 2 have sex focus a little bit more on what you feel that on what he is feeling, sounds selfish but its like that phrase "i wont wash the dishes i mama tells me to do it". let him look for his own pleassure he might get excited about something that was spontaneous and from that momment and on be able to orgasm.

[kitkate]

Thanks guys and gals! Still in the land of no orgasms, but its getting easier to handle. Sex is becoming more and more about connecting than about orgasms. We're doing better and its going well. I'm not worried about it much.

Thanks for all your kind words!

[imaginewithme]

It'll happen when it's supose to! Just enjoy this great sex for the time being.....

just think of it as......(sorry to gross anyone out).....no mess to clean up.....

[kitkate]

you're not- its part of sex, imagine :) and thanks for all your support! I am enjoying it...and its awesome! He gets closer everytime- starting to get more and more pre-ejac. (not to gross out anyone also!)

btw- you know what I learned? Its NOT uncommon at all....that silly "penis quiz" on the forum had a question about it and now I am starting to be an EXPERT on "retarded ejaculation". There are tons of resources on it.

My guy is great, orgasm or not. All I want is for him to be happy- and I'm convinced he is happy, even though we aren't all the way there yet.

[PocketGekko]

Dont worry about it, enjoy it is what I say. I never had this "problem" (not a problem if you ask me) until I got with my current gf, I was always one to cum quickly (like say, 10-15 minutes MAX) but with my current gf, I can go like a stallion, she cums multiple times from penetration and cunnilingus and if nothing else, I get the pleasure of seeing a woman in bliss for the first time in my life, btw I'm 26.
P.S. I used to post here under a different name, but forgot my username and my email addy has changed, good to be back tho :) Peace out.