Oldfart
05-21-2004, 07:30 AM
President Bush is proud to introduce an ambitious new phase in the
fight to preserve all that is decent in America. Conceived and championed by
the revered Republican think tank Americans for Purity, "Operation Infinite
Purity" is dedicated to the complete eradication of masturbation from
American soil by the year 2005.
Masturbation is more dangerous than atheism. Doctors of a generation
ago knew this, but over the course of recent Democratic administrations, and
their prevailing philosophy of "if it feels good, do it" - this problem has
spiralled out of control.
Myth: Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Medical science proves that chronic masturbation causes
weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.
Myth: There are bigger problems than masturbation, like drugs and
AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans
masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least
$3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!
Myth: Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his
seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't
masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no
matter what the reason.
Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on masturbation have come to the
conclusion that masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means
that masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all
rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as
Masturbators.
Myth: Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for
masturbation being outlawed.
Reality: Masturbatory devices are already illegal in President Bush's
home state Texas. The police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively
enforced this law.
Myth: But everyone's doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans
don't masturbate.
How to stop the current epidemic of Democrat-approved self-abuse in
America? We will employ precisely the same tactics, legislation, and
get-tough attitude that has been so successful in the War On Drugs.
Control of Paraphernalia: Drug abuse has been slashed by the outlawing
of drug accessories such as syringes and marijuana pipes. In order to get
tough on masturbation, we will eliminate masturbatory paraphernalia. This
means outlawing such things as:
1.. "Personal Vibrators" and other masturbatory devices such as
dildos and blow-up dolls.
2.. ALL indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and
photographs. We don't need the Victoria's Secret catalog! Simple, modest
underwear would sell itself and minimize unGodly temptations.
3.. Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages,
cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for
the women among us to resist the temptation to masturbate.
Intensive Urine Testing: Science has discovered that men produce sperm
cells constantly. All that sperm has to go somewhere! If an unmarried man
doesn't masturbate, all the sperm cells he produces end up in his urine.
Going forward, all unmarried men will be required to submit frequent urine
samples, which will be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried man has
a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has been having
orgasms - and therefore is guilty of either masturbation or fornication and
should will be incarcerated. Random urine testing in the War On Drugs has
been a very powerful weapon. We will not hesitate to harness it for use in
the War On Masturbation!
Zero Tolerance: Just as police departments seize the cars and homes of
people who are caught with drugs, Operation Infinite Purity calls for the
homes and SUVs of people caught masturbating to be taken away without due
process and auctioned off, with all proceeds going to augmenting similar
anti-masturbation law enforcement.
Certain supposedly "primitive" tribes in Africa have completely
eliminated masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat
accomplished? Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which
is analogous to circumcision in the male. (Clitoridectomy has gotten a bad
reputation in the West, but only because in Africa it is often done with
crude instruments, without anesthesia, and under unsanitary conditions. Up
until recently, this proud and noble procedure had been outlawed in the
United States by the ruling hedonists and sodomites of the Democratic party.
President Bush is proud to unilaterally overturn this law by the power of
Executive Order #13252-V, thereby clearing the way for safe and effective
Clitoridectomies for all American females - performed in sterile, modern
operating rooms with plenty of soothing anesthesia. A woman who has had a
Clitoridectomy is permanently cured of masturbation and other lascivious
behavior, and is ready to resume her life as a decent and productive member
of American society. Furthermore, Operation Infinite Purity makes
Clitoridectomies mandatory for female children (who will never miss the part
that is removed if it is done early enough). And surgery isn't just for
females! Castration for adult males will become the standard punitive
measure for repeat masturbatory offenders.
fight to preserve all that is decent in America. Conceived and championed by
the revered Republican think tank Americans for Purity, "Operation Infinite
Purity" is dedicated to the complete eradication of masturbation from
American soil by the year 2005.
Masturbation is more dangerous than atheism. Doctors of a generation
ago knew this, but over the course of recent Democratic administrations, and
their prevailing philosophy of "if it feels good, do it" - this problem has
spiralled out of control.
Myth: Masturbation is harmless.
Reality: Medical science proves that chronic masturbation causes
weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness.
Myth: There are bigger problems than masturbation, like drugs and
AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans
masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least
$3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!
Myth: Masturbation is not immoral.
Reality: Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his
seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't
masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no
matter what the reason.
Myth: Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime."
Reality: Theological experts on masturbation have come to the
conclusion that masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means
that masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all
rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as
Masturbators.
Myth: Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for
masturbation being outlawed.
Reality: Masturbatory devices are already illegal in President Bush's
home state Texas. The police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively
enforced this law.
Myth: But everyone's doing it!
Reality: Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans
don't masturbate.
How to stop the current epidemic of Democrat-approved self-abuse in
America? We will employ precisely the same tactics, legislation, and
get-tough attitude that has been so successful in the War On Drugs.
Control of Paraphernalia: Drug abuse has been slashed by the outlawing
of drug accessories such as syringes and marijuana pipes. In order to get
tough on masturbation, we will eliminate masturbatory paraphernalia. This
means outlawing such things as:
1.. "Personal Vibrators" and other masturbatory devices such as
dildos and blow-up dolls.
2.. ALL indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and
photographs. We don't need the Victoria's Secret catalog! Simple, modest
underwear would sell itself and minimize unGodly temptations.
3.. Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages,
cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for
the women among us to resist the temptation to masturbate.
Intensive Urine Testing: Science has discovered that men produce sperm
cells constantly. All that sperm has to go somewhere! If an unmarried man
doesn't masturbate, all the sperm cells he produces end up in his urine.
Going forward, all unmarried men will be required to submit frequent urine
samples, which will be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried man has
a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has been having
orgasms - and therefore is guilty of either masturbation or fornication and
should will be incarcerated. Random urine testing in the War On Drugs has
been a very powerful weapon. We will not hesitate to harness it for use in
the War On Masturbation!
Zero Tolerance: Just as police departments seize the cars and homes of
people who are caught with drugs, Operation Infinite Purity calls for the
homes and SUVs of people caught masturbating to be taken away without due
process and auctioned off, with all proceeds going to augmenting similar
anti-masturbation law enforcement.
Certain supposedly "primitive" tribes in Africa have completely
eliminated masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat
accomplished? Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which
is analogous to circumcision in the male. (Clitoridectomy has gotten a bad
reputation in the West, but only because in Africa it is often done with
crude instruments, without anesthesia, and under unsanitary conditions. Up
until recently, this proud and noble procedure had been outlawed in the
United States by the ruling hedonists and sodomites of the Democratic party.
President Bush is proud to unilaterally overturn this law by the power of
Executive Order #13252-V, thereby clearing the way for safe and effective
Clitoridectomies for all American females - performed in sterile, modern
operating rooms with plenty of soothing anesthesia. A woman who has had a
Clitoridectomy is permanently cured of masturbation and other lascivious
behavior, and is ready to resume her life as a decent and productive member
of American society. Furthermore, Operation Infinite Purity makes
Clitoridectomies mandatory for female children (who will never miss the part
that is removed if it is done early enough). And surgery isn't just for
females! Castration for adult males will become the standard punitive
measure for repeat masturbatory offenders.