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Englishlush
05-03-2004, 03:28 PM
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Aqua
05-03-2004, 03:34 PM
^This is me in about 4 years^

Well, except for the thing about the pot-belly (I hope)

nikki1979
05-03-2004, 03:34 PM
lmao GREAT cant wait for jeepin to see

nikki

GingerV
05-03-2004, 03:40 PM
Those are an absolute riot, Englishlush.....I'm gonna send them home. I know some folks who'd definately recognize the attitude. ;)

Gilly
05-03-2004, 04:45 PM
I've seen this one loads before, and it has never lost it's appeal. My hubby has one thing to add to it:

He expects to proudly display all his martial arts belts over the entrance way, along with a collection of rare, yet sharp and painful looking, swords, daggers, katana's, and scimitars. He plans to be polishing one when ever a guy comes over. ;)

Rae is 8, so we have a few years yet, but none the less... we are drilling her early. ;)

GingerV
05-03-2004, 04:47 PM
The phrase I remember, Dad pointed to a random guy in the grocery store with a shirt held together by safety pins and eyeshadow....and in his big booming voice announced "bring home one like that, and I'll drop it on the doorstep." So much for my options in that tiny little town.

Gilly
05-03-2004, 04:51 PM
-chuckles-

My first real 'date' was my freshmen year homecoming, with a guy who was a junior. My aunt is the family photographer- she has a camera glued to her hand, I swear.

Anyway, so she comes over to my dad's house while I'm ready and waiting for him, and she brings my 9 year old half brother with her. On the way, she coached him nicely.

My dad is rather shy, and was pretty much beet red through the whole introduction, until we got to Kenny, my brother. He promptly stood up, looked the guy in the eye, and asked, "So, what exactly are your intentions with my sister?"

My dad lost it, I must have been the shade of a turnip, and my date's mouth was hanging on the floor.

Great start to my dating career.

BigBear57
05-03-2004, 05:08 PM
Am I to understand some of you think these are funny? I have a 15 yr old daughter.... I'd say that's a pretty good set of guidelines. LOL
I told my daughter she could start to date at 29 only if she was well behaved. If she argues with me she has to wait till she's 39.
Honestly, she's proved I can trust her so I know it's only a matter of time till I have to bite the bullet. Of course it makes me feel pretty good that the first little guy she was gonna introduce me to disappeared after a concert one evening. She saw him the next day at school and asked where he'd gotten off to, she wanted him to meet her dad. Poor little guy said " I saw that big old guy with all that hair... I wasn't going over there!" :P

cowgirltease
05-03-2004, 10:27 PM
OMG BigBear57, That is hilarious! poor kid:D

Gilly
05-03-2004, 10:55 PM
BigBear- I believe I'll have a very similiar set in 6-8 years when Raegan starts going out with friends first, then dates.

Nice Guy
05-03-2004, 11:27 PM
Well if/when I get married, and if I have a daughter that will be me. I can be very protective of the women in my life.

Oldfart
05-04-2004, 01:31 AM
A fine list of things I'd have loved to have said to my daughters'

beaux.

My ex-wife didn't want me scaring the little thugs.....too much.

Shotgun? Baikal IJ-18 12ga single barrel shotgun, but who's counting?

darogle
05-04-2004, 02:20 AM
Nothing better than cleaning a pump action shotgun on the living room couch as they walk in. The sound when you work the action scares the livin' shit outta the little buggers!!!!!!

Hehehe

Steph
05-04-2004, 07:17 AM
LOL BigBear and darogle!

My cousins with young girls might have written those rules!

naughtyangel
05-04-2004, 07:29 AM
That's so funny! I can't imagine what it's like to have such an overprotective dad! My father never knew that I was even dating someone until I brought him home...and I don't think it would have occured to him to be threatening, LOL

Gilly
05-04-2004, 09:58 AM
When I was growing up, I had friends who had several men in the family- brothers, uncles, cousins, etc, who were all rather over protected. Now that I have daughters, I really wish we could have that for our kids, but sadly, my son is the only boy on either sides of the family. A total of 6 girls, and 1 boy for grandkids on both sides.

flutelady
05-04-2004, 10:07 AM
Not being a dad, I can't answer for men....

BUT...

I've got 4 beautiful daughters, the youngest having turned 13 two days ago. I'm also 5 ft. tall. The boyfriends have been very very afraid of me, and that's just the way I intend to keep it. I've said it before and I'll say it again... do NOT fuck with a short, middle aged gemini woman!

wyndhy
05-04-2004, 10:43 AM
my dad used to show his gun collection to boyfriends. he never said a word but the action spoke for itself! lol reminds me of a quote from the movie Clueless... "I have a 45 and a shovel. I doubt anyone would miss you."

jay-t
05-04-2004, 11:52 AM
I have 3 daughters all married now to the ones I didnt scare. Living in the country has its advantages when dating starts just tell them we"re banding calfs sat. would you like to join them.

Bardog
05-04-2004, 01:20 PM
I'm gonna have to use these in about 12 years when my 9 year old daughteris old enough to date!

Gilly
05-04-2004, 01:50 PM
If you think you're going to be able to wait 12 years for your 9 year old, then she's going to teach you a few things. ;)

I fully expect my 8 year old will be asking to go out on dates when she's about 14. My plan so far, is that when she turns 14, she can go out in large groups to things like the movies. Boys and girls can bot be there, but it can't be just boys, and it can't be just her and one other.

When she gets her full, unrestricted liscence at about 17, she can go on boy/girl dates, IF she drives. I don't trust guys to bring her home when she's supposed to, so if I tell her she has to drive, then any lateness is all on her shoulders. She'll have a full tank of gas, and I'll check the milage. ;)

If she's late once, then she won't go out with anyone for 2 weeks. If she's late twice, she won't be going out with anyone for a month, and if she's late a 3rd time, she has no car, and no dating privlages.

Ok, it's a bit harsh, but I'll still be a young mom. I remember VIVIDLY what happens on dates, and how it feels to go out, and think you can do things and get away with them.

I also have cousins, sisters, and neices who are going/will be going through all this. My husbands cousin just turned 17, and we have gotten stories out of her. She sneaks out all the time, has been busted with drugs, smokes, drinks, etc. And she's actually quite a good kid. She graduated in December, a year and a half early. She holds two part time jobs for her own spending money. She bought her car, and pays the insurance on it.

Moral of that story? No matter how 'good' a kid is, it doesn't mean they will always do the right thing, or that they even understand that what they are doing is wrong.

So, my kids will definatly be grilled regularly. Not because I don't trust them, but because I don't trust society, or the feelings that happen when you try something new.

Bardog
05-04-2004, 04:02 PM
Originally posted by Gilly
If you think you're going to be able to wait 12 years for your 9 year old, then she's going to teach you a few things. ;)


My wife tells me the same thing

Coaster
05-04-2004, 04:15 PM
Gilly i like the way you think!!! We did the same things.... and the kids thought we were sooo cruel and mean. Then we got a real nice letter from daughter as she left for college.

Oh and I really did show off my gun collection.... it's a very SUTTLE message!! hehe

WildIrish
05-04-2004, 04:46 PM
My daughter will be a nun. Either that or I'm gonna be on drugs. I'm convinced it's the only way to survive the teenage years.

littlelass
05-04-2004, 06:34 PM
My father passed away when I was quite little so I had no such experiences as everyone has described but found the rules quite amusing. :) Mind, my mother was quite overprotective...that and my grandparents. I still remember the first time I had brought my beloved to their place for the first time, one of the first thoughts that came out of her (grandmother) mouth was "(his name)...isn't that the name of a gangster?" . I almost killed myself laughing right there.

Gilly, I'm thinking along the same lines in regards to rules/privalages. We don't have any children so that is far off for now. :)