advice please?

[littlelass]

hello everyone. i know this may sound a bit strange from someone so new, but i've always had a little problem with it.

i was in a bad situation once where someone forced themself on me. but that is not the topic at hand, just some background. i have a problem with getting aroused sometimes and here is the real question. i was wondering if someone can help me understand why when the only time i get aroused are times when i think about getting hurt. i just find it so disturbing that to turn me on, i have to go to such a bad memory. can anyone relate or know something about this? i want to understand why this is so.

[Loulabelle]

Hmmm - makes me wonder, was this horrible experience your first experience of sexual contact?

[littlelass]

Sadly enough, yes it was.

[GingerV]

There's no question too strange for this place, honest. And truthfully, I'm sure I'm not going to be the only person to tell you that's not a strange question. You're really and truly not the first person to be in that sort of space.

I can't offer you a first hand answer...it's a nightmare that I've never had to live. But I have heard second hand that it's not all that uncommon for people who have been hurt to go back to that place for fantasies. It's not an unnatural or sick thing...it's just that in their minds (possibly your mind), arousal and that sort of pain got linked by experience. It's no different than people who have a striking fondness for the back seats of cars because that's where they had their earliest experiences. Or, in my case, living room couches ;). Your associations are different, but they don't mean you're bent or broken.


That said, forgive me for reading between the lines if I say that it sounds like you'd rather not have this particular kink. If it were me, and it was something I'd "always had a problem with" I'd definately go track down a professional to talk it out with. Information always makes me feel better about things, and it's the psychiatrists/psychologists that have the information you might be after. Believe me, this I DO know, it won't shock them, surprise them, or freak them out. They won't judge, and they can help....if that's a path you want to follow.

But I'd also recommend a book that's helped friends of mine. It's called "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" by Staci Haines. She's not a doctor, but she is a survivor. And I know she talks about exactly the sorts of pain/arrousal connections you're asking about. It's available on Amazon, and easy to get. And to my mind sounds like it's just what you're looking for.

Anyway...that's all off the top of my head. Leaving me to welcome you to Pixie's and congratulate you for starting off with a brave and open post. I'm looking forward to seeing you around the boards!

G

[fzzy]

GingerV is giving some good advice here, many times we connect extreme moments in our lives to our sexual responses - its a subconsious connection and a very human one. It is good that you have come to the point where you are asking the question, usually that means that you've healed enough to be able to move to the next stage of healing. If your finances are no such that you can afford extensive psychological help, you may try contacting the local rape helpline or rape crisis center, they can probably refer you to a "group" that you can meet with and discuss your feelings and hear about what others are experiencing as well ... it is a huge help to come to that full recognition that you are not reacting strangely but that others feel much the same as you and react as you do. It is also helpful to hear the choices that have or haven't worked to help them deal with it.

Best of luck in coming to a place where you can find sexual satisfaction in a way that is acceptable to you.

[flutelady]

I think that you've gotten some excellent advice here. I can't add to it, but I do want to say that I applaud you for not hiding from this and for facing it head on. I think it shows what a very strong person you are, and that you've definitely taken a very real step in defeating this foe.

[littlelass]

I thank you for all the replies so far...I wasn't expecting so much advice but thank you as it helps a lot! Money is a little tight so psychiatric help is out of the question. But, I'll check out that book you had mentioned though. I will take a look for it next time I'm at the bookstore (which is often).

Again, thank you so much!

[littlelass]

I thank you for all the replies so far...I wasn't expecting so much advice but thank you as it helps a lot! Money is a little tight so psychiatric help is out of the question. But, I'll check out that book you had mentioned though. I will take a look for it next time I'm at the bookstore (which is often).

Again, thank you so much!

[GingerV]

Hope it helps, Hon. Wish there was more I could do.

[Lilith]

((little lass))

I understand where you are coming from. My early sexual history mirrors yours and although I don't typically discuss it, something in your plea spoke to me. Because my first sexual experience was date rape I find it disturbing if I stop and think about my non-consent fantasies. Especially when the original incident was so degrading and made such a profound impact on my early sexuality. Here is my theory...and everyone here knows I am full of shit so take it for what it's worth....

Non-consent and pain type fantasies are something you can have control of. It allows you to play with and assimilate something traumatic and make it part of your current sexual make up. It helps restore a sense of control to an aspect of your life, where at one point you were not in control. Did that make any sense? Having those thoughts but still being safe and in control may arouse you and I think that when you relax and allow yourself to just feel whatever it is you feel then you will begin to accept and truly recover.

I have learned that I can enjoy giving and receiving pain or pleasure during sex but I get to make those choices and that makes it feel safe and good. I hope that once you come to grips with and accept whatever your sexuality entails you will feel freed from your early traumatic experiences and begin to enjoy all the pleasure that is available. I would add one more thing.....when you find a lover who is entirely safe, who you can trust with your body and soul, you will probably be more comfortable exploring various aspects of sex play and fantasies.

If even once you are in a safe sexual realtionship you still continue to only be aroused by pain and it continues to trouble you then therapy might be necessary in order to avoid the destruction of good relationships.

To me the problem is not that you like the idea of a little pain with your pleasure. The problem is that you can't accept that as part of who you are and just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel.

[Aqua]

Originally posted by littlelass
Money is a little tight so psychiatric help is out of the question.
Don't be so sure...

Check your phone book for County help lines. There are organziations that accept payment on a sliding scale. I was able to find a therapist for $20/hr. I had to make quite a few phone calls, but I found one I could afford. Do some research, you will probably find someone that can help you. Also, check out your local Catholic Community Services. They won't turn you away if you aren't Catholic and despite the scandals with the Priests, the Catholic church does a lot of good work in communities all across the country.

[rabbit]

<----agrees with what Lil said...and Aqua, too. Listen to them, they're pretty smart.

;)

...and good luck (((littlelass))).



rabbit