A Special Thread for a Special Day

[PantyFanatic]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
:cheers:

[PantyFanatic]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"


The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
:cheers:

[Oldfart]

Two Irishmen, recently arrived from the old Country, wandered

the wharf in New York. To feel truly American they each bought a

hot dog and a cup of Coke.

Paddy looked at Sean and said, "Paddy, what part of de dog did

you get?"

[PantyFanatic]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
:cheers:

[Oldfart]

Two Irishmen walked into a Bar.

You'd have thought at least one would have seen it.

[Oldfart]

Paddy, mate. About last night.

Yes?

Paddy, mate. You left the Three Leeks at about 10pm.

So?

Paddy, mate. You took a bus home because you were drunk.

So?















Paddy, mate.





The bus company want it back.

[PantyFanatic]

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar....












WELL! ……….. it COULD happen. :mad:
:cheers:

[Oldfart]

How do you drive an Irishman insane?

Show him two spades and tell him to take his pick.

[Oldfart]

PF, naaaaaaah.

[FussyPucker]

Paddy decides to phone up his mate Mick (Irish people have no other names) to see if he fancied watching the rugby. "Ah, I can't Paddy, I'm doing this jigsaw. It's got me really puzzled!"

The next week Paddy phones up again to see if he fancied watching the football. Again the answer was, "I can't, I'm still stuck on this jigsaw".

So again the week after Paddy phones up again to see if Mick wanted to go down to the Guiness festival. "I'd love to Pad, me ol' mate, but it's this jigsaw, it's got me really puzzled". Paddy just could not believe it that he was still stuck on the same jigsaw. "Haven't you finished it yet?" he bellowed down the phone. "How long will it take you?" "I'm not doing to badly", Mick replied,"I've almost finshed, and probably in record time" "What?" said Paddy, "How the heck do you work that out? It's taken you 3 weeks now!" "Ay, but it says 3 to 5 years on the box"

[FussyPucker]

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor, "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a $20 note lodged up here"

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 note appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?."

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man," shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit amount. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand." !!

[Oldfart]

An oldie. I think this was told a few months ago.

Paddy was on his death-bed. As the angels gathered and the

bright light started to show, he smelled the irresistable aroma

of his favourite food, party beef and guinness pies for which his wife

was justifiably famous throughout the county.

Gathering his last strength, he crawled down to the kitchen and

struggled to the table where the treasures lay. He reached for the closest,

body trembling at the supreme effort.

As his fingers touched the pie, a wooden spoon smashed them away.

"Fuck off, Paddy, they're for the feckin funeral!"

[FussyPucker]

one of my all time favourite jokes !!!

Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem".

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500 foot drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.

"I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he,walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'.

He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.

SPLAT!. He joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrot shooting nider"

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff. With the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you fockin' hen gliding".

[flutelady]

What do you call an Irishman who lives outside?


Paddy O'Furniture :p

[PantyFanatic]

England, indeed! :rolleyes:
Are you sure you’re Irish FussyPucker? Only I can tell Irish and bald jokes. ;) LOL


An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
:cheers:

[campingboy]

Thank-you both. Those were good.

[FussyPucker]

England, indeed!
Are you sure you’re Irish FussyPucker? Only I can tell Irish and bald jokes. LOL Didn't a tell you my name is really FussyO'Pucker? I watched the Irish beat England at Rugby the other week so I'm entitled to tell a few jokes ;)

[PantyFanatic]

This one’s for Steph ;)

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull finally broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
:cheers:

[Bardog]

I think I posted this one befor, but it seems to fit here also.


The Irish Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my ownself." About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[Steph]

ROFL!!! The Murphy Twins!

Two grand!!!

I guess I should post some drinking jokes, seeing as who I am. :D

O'Connell was staggering home with a small flask in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

[Steph]

For those who date/are married to people who don't like Guinness:

She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"

"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

[Steph]

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

[Steph]

An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!" The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

[Steph]

After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[Steph]

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?""That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...""Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...""Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?""It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guineas Stout and drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?""Well, no Brenda......no.""No?""Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[dicksbro]

A passerby watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. "Tell me," said the passerby, "What on earth are you doing?" "Well," said the digger,"Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn't mean Mick and I get the day off, does it?"

[Steph]

ROFLMAO DB!!!

[PantyFanatic]

LMFAO- :D
"...if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[Teddy Bear]

ROFLMAO!!

They're all great! TY!

HAPPY ST PATRICKS DAY!

[BIBI]

:cheers:

Why did God invent Irish whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.

Billy and Pa were walking in the woods and saw a sign saying, "Tree Fellars Wanted".
Pa looks at Billy and says...Tis a shame Paddy isn't here. We coulda had a job.

When the Irish tell ya that St. Patrick chased the snakes outa Ireland, they don't tell ya that only he could see them.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the copper. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years replied Finnegan.


How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb.
Four to remark how grand the old bulb was.

What is black and blue and found floating in up sidedown in the Irish Sea?
Someone who tells a stupid Irish joke.....

:p

[LixyChick]

OMG!

<-------peeing pants!

I just came in here to say Happy St. Panties Day to PF! I ended up telling hubby all of the jokes posted!

Gotta go pee and then eat some cabbage! TY all for the laughs and wet pants!

One for the road......What do you call a leprechaun with no arms and no legs.....in a swimming pool?




































BOB!!!
















OK, it sucked.....but I suck at telling jokes anyway! TeeHee!