Divorce

[imalikalotapuss]

getting a divorce
HI fellow pixie guys and gals..I am going through a divorce and would like any advice that any of you might have..one coping with it. It has been harder on me than i thought..without the support of a few SPECIAL Pixies i think i wouldve lost my mind..Kisses and Hugs to you..you know who you are.And i thank you from the bottom of my heart. So please i would really appreciate, comments, feedback or just plain old advice. Thanks

[PantyFanatic]

I’m not sure ANYBODY can say words that will make sense at this time. It will be the most difficult thing you will ever go through. …… but like EVRYTHING, it ends! I don’t know or want to know your particulars, but try to remember that the situation NOW is the bad part and not EVERYTHING was always bad. That would be the ultimate insult to you from the beginning if it had been. Just get through it and good luck with your sanity.:cool:

[imalikalotapuss]

Thanks PF..you're right it wasn't all bad. I now am finding out a lot of things that happened that i didn't know was happening. I guess you really never know what the other person is thinking

[jennaflower]

my only advice would be to allow yourself to go thru all the emotions.. don't attempt to cover things up within yourself.. if you do so, it will eventually result in a valcano effect... and you don't need that.

Take your time to grieve... yes.. grieve... divorce is like death in many ways.. even harder. In death.. you can funnel your anger or unresolved feelings towards many things.. often deflecting them... but unfortunately.. in death.. those targets are REAL.. and often blame and hurt become internalized...

take your time... BUT.. don't hold on to it.. you need to choose a moment.. a time.. when moving forward (no matter how difficult it might be) feels RIGHT... listen to your heart.. your soul.. your entire being...

BECAUSE... when all is said and done.. .the one person in this world that will NEVER turn their back on you... is YOU.

HUGS..

[imalikalotapuss]

Jennaflower..Thank you. You're excat when you say it is a grieving process..right now i am feeling like, that i'm not sure about what's next. I mean 15 years is along time to be with some one and now there gone. Once were friends and lovers and now hating each other and are enemies. I greatly appreciate the advice.

[cowgirltease]

Darlin, I'm still here for you! :love:
((((((BIG HUGS))))))):)

[Sugarsprinkles]

I really don't have any advice, since I've never been through a divorce. But if you ever just want to talk, I'm a very good listener. My messenger ID's are on my profile, hun. ;)

[imalikalotapuss]

Cowgirl..thank you..you are sweet and you now what i am going through, i appreciate the kind comments.

Sugarsprinkles..thank you..i helps to talk about things..i hope you never have to go through a divorce..it has sucked.. i may bother your listening skills..(((hugs)))

[LixyChick]

When I went through a divorce (of my own initiative) I felt like a failure. I don't accept failure very well....especially in life altering choices I make. Marriage is one of the biggest life altering choices I've ever made!

After the final papers arrived, I cried and had a pity party for myself. It was pathetic! I was the one who wanted this and now I was crying about it! Later, I realized that this was exactly what jennaflower explained as grieving (mourning a death), and I wasn't any different than anyone else in feeling a loss....even though I initiated it.

I thought of it in this manner........I "pulled the plug" on a dying relationship because it had no hope of ever having normalcy again! In that way, I could let go of the grief and go on with my life without feeling all the guilt I was bound to carry if I continued to pity myself about the broken relationship.

It's so true that there will be stages of mourning before, during, and after a divorce. When it all comes to an end, you'll be a stronger person for the life lesson this has taken you through!

Good luck hun! Keep an eye on that light at the end of the tunnel!

[imalikalotapuss]

Lixychick.. Thank you for some good advice. It helps to listen to someone that has gone through a divorce. I think my relationship died along time ago and was afraid to admit it. Now that reality is sinking in I feel a whole range of emotions. Most of which you know. I really do appreciate the personal viewpoint that you gave me.:)

[Loulabelle]

The only advice I can give you is, if there are kids involved:

1) NEVER ask your children to keep a secret from their other parent (i.e. your ex)

2) Don't bitch about your ex to your kids, and don't allow any new partner you have to bitch about your ex in front of the kids either.

3) DON'T expect your children to be 'grown up' about the situation while you and your ex are fighting and behaving like kids.


As a child of divorced parents I speak from experience.

[imalikalotapuss]

Loulabelle,
thank you for giving me a different perspective.Unfortunately there are kids involved. I at least am trying not to say anything bad about her in front of them. Can't say the same for her though. I appreciate your comments..

[Gilly]

Originally posted by Loulabelle
The only advice I can give you is, if there are kids involved:

1) NEVER ask your children to keep a secret from their other parent (i.e. your ex)

2) Don't bitch about your ex to your kids, and don't allow any new partner you have to bitch about your ex in front of the kids either.

3) DON'T expect your children to be 'grown up' about the situation while you and your ex are fighting and behaving like kids.


As a child of divorced parents I speak from experience.


I can whole heartedly agree with that. Parents divorcing tend to forget that the kids DO see AND hear everything you say.

[Grumble]

I am going through a divorce with my wife of 16 years.

It was very hard to do and has caused pain on both side and it made me feel a failure.

I have since met Curvy and through her I have gained a better insight on things. Curvy is a perceptive and intelligent woman
and she discussed how if you are unsuited to each other then you cannot meet the others needs nor have yours met.

My wife and I came together because we both thought we had missed the boat relationshipwise and we fulfilled the immediate need. The cracks soon appeared because we were so unsuited in many ways, libido, interests, outlook so many things. We did make 2 lovely children that we both love tremendously. We still go as a family to athletics and she and I are friends. We never run each other down and co- operate to ensure the children are properly cared for and nurtured.

Sometimes couples grow together and sometimes they grow apart. That a divorce happens is tragic but to make it world War 3 is compounding the misery for everyone especially children who love both their parents.

[Justin]

Grumble..Very astute you are!..A friend of mine has divorced the very same way, however another buddy has had to spend $180,000 in legal bills to fight the ex-wife..I have been tempted to divorce/separate but, the benefits of staying together out-way the other..Having 2 beautiful children, a great home, you get the picture...But the relationship is why I'm still here....When a child is used a s a pawn in a larger game of Life, the players really need to give their collective heads a shake...And so should the F*&cking lawyers!!!...

[Justin]

Grumble..Very astute you are!..A friend of mine has divorced the very same way, however another buddy has had to spend $180,000 in legal bills to fight the ex-wife..I have been tempted to divorce/separate but, the benefits of staying together out-way the other..Having 2 beautiful children, a great home, you get the picture...But the relationship is why I'm still here....When a child is used a s a pawn in a larger game of Life, the players really need to give their collective heads a shake...And so should the F*&cking lawyers!!!...

[cyberkitten]

aww, sweetie i'm sorry you're having to go thru this too. i'm also in the process of getting a divorce. next month will be our 10th anniversary. he had a choice between me and his drug habit and apparently it won.

i'm finding there isn't a statute of limitations on when people will stop asking you how you and your husband are doing. you just have to keep telling them that you're no longer together and watch their faces as they try to figure out how to remove the foot from their mouths. information on things he was doing behind my back keeps surfacing...still. even though i threw him out the first week of august - his bad decisions are coming back to haunt me. i've found if you are the partner who was financially responsible, don't be suprised if the other has been robbing peter to pay paul and you're going to be the one left under the pile of bills once his tricks and money games have been played out and everything just collapses. i'm discovering there are too many "what if's..." and if you let them play over and over in your mind, you'll eventually drive yourself nuts. it's not your responsibility to shoulder all the blame, or to think you could have singlehandedly "fixed" your relationship.
feelings were hurt. mistakes were made. these things happen. we're human. try not to beat yourself up over it, and if you need to talk to someone, PM me or work it out with yourself and your friends here on the board. this doesn't have to follow you and drag you down for the rest of your life. it IS possible to cut the ties and move on, and that's what you should do. it hurts, but it's over and there are all kinds of new friends to meet, new experiences to be had (no matter how old or young you are) and a life that YOU have a right to live and enjoy. i feel for you honey, hang in there. you're definately not alone.

luv ya
-ck

[GingerV]

Oh man....I've never been divorced, but I was at ground zero for several other very ugly ones. I have to echo everything Lou said about the kids.....they're gonna suffer through this. Your job right now is to minimize it, you can't emilinate it. Just remember that they love you both, they can't help it. They also see themselves in both of you....anything negative you say about their mom, they'll hear as a criticism of themselves. You can't help or control what she does, let that go. If they bring it to you, just remidn them that she's hurting too...and sometimes folks say things when they're hurting that they wouldn't under other circumstances. Be the grownup...it sucks, but it has to be done.

Also, make sure they know that it's OK for them to love you both. That they're not betraying you by loving her, or vice versa.

In the end, I've always believed that having two happy parents in different houses is infinately better for the kids than two miserable parents in the same one.

But I kinda know that's not the part you wanted to hear. Because to be good for your kids, you gotta figure out how to be good for yourself. And that's even harder. I distinctly remember phoning home from college to tell my dad that some days he just had to keep breathing. On the bad days, just get through the day however you can. Ask your friends for help, cry when you need to. On the good days, smile when you can, laugh when you're ready. In time, the good days will outnumber the bad ones. With enough time, the bad days will just be a thing that happened. But time is the only way to get there.

Time, and letting go, I guess I should say. The part my Dad never figured out was how to let the past go. Whatever it was, good things and bad things, is gone. That's the part you have to grieve. But to get out of the limbo I imagine you're in, you have to build a new life. And the more you manage to focus on that (when and only when you're ready), the more control you'll have over what that new life is going to be like.

But it's ok if you're not there yet. Stick with just getting through more days, and getting hugs from friends if that's what you need right now. And on the days you can't believe there's going to be an end...have faith in your friends, let them know it for you.

All my best,

G